Glorious Master Translator

Original ad:

I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!

From Me to ************@***********.org:

Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?

From Me to Scott *******:

Ok, I find three thing may help you:

"Failure of Sound from Device"
"Skipping of disc for poor sound"
"Sound volume low very much"

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?

From Me to Scott *******:

"Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:

1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in"

I hope this help!

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?

From Me to Scott *******:

Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf? does it really say that?

From Me to Scott *******:

I just translate what you give.

From Scott ******* to Me:

no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?

From Me to Scott *******:

Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?

From Scott ******* to Me:

did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one

From Me to Scott *******:

That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!

From Scott ******* to Me:

..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass

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LATER, FROM ANOTHER EMAIL ACCOUNT

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From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?

From Me to Scott *******:

You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?

From Me to Scott *******:

Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says "Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?"

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

well that is dumb...whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?

From Me to Scott *******:

Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

yea i did that. nothing. is that it?

From Me to Scott *******:

Well, you're not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or "audio demon." You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.

Mike

From Me to Scott *******:

Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?

Christmas Dinner

Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY


From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hello,

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

Thanks,

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

Dessert

Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

La Pâtisserie Bourrée
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

Thank you,
Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

what the fuck you actully cater that shit to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you fuckin kidding me. my son in college could make that shit!

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

cut the bullshit fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

Michael

DISHWASHER CONFUSION

            

Original ad:
I need a dishwasher dont care what color so long as it is a good working dishwasher that is cheap. I have a truck and can pick it up if necessary.

From me to ********@*********.org:

Hello! My name Miguel, I am good working dishwasher. I work at Ricardo's Pizza as dishwasher for 5 years- me top dishwasher. Leave your dishes very clean and work for cheap. I have no driving license. You pick up, yes?

Miguel

From John ******* to Me:

haha I want a dishwashing machine not a person who washes dishes. thanks though.

From Me to John *******:

Yes, I wash dishes like machine...even better! You want, yes?

From John ******* to Me:

No! No want!

I want THIS



That is called a DISHWASHER. I don't want a porto rican who washes dishes!

From Me to John *******:

Oh noooo, I no Puerto Rican. Puerto Ricans very bad dishwashers - no work ethic. I Mexican - very good work ethic! You no worry, Miguel wash all dishes on time, with pride!

Is that your dishwash machine? I use sink and soap but can use machine too.

Miguel

From John ******* to Me:

NO dude I want to BUY a machine. i dont know if i can be any clearer. you dont understand me do you?

From Me to John *******:

No worry, I leave dishes clear, clean and sparkle!

Miguel

From John ******* to Me:

dude you obviously have trouble reading english. here. i used a translater.

NO QUIERO CONTRATARLE. QUIERO COMPRAR UNA APLICACIÓN DEL LAVAPLATOS.

you comprende?

From Me to John *******:

que?

From John ******* to Me:

oh for crying out fucking loud dude why did i even bother

fuck this

Wood Chipper Rental

Original ad:
670cc commercial wood chipper/shredder for sale. Little bit of rust but works great. Contact Joe - ***********@gmail.com
$4000 OBO

From Me to ***********@gmail.com:

Hi Joe,

Is the wood chipper still for sale?

Thanks,

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

Yes, I still have the wood chipper.

From Me to Joe ******:

I don't have $4000, but what I do have is $200 and a need for use of a wood chipper for about half an hour. Would I be able to rent it from you for $200?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

I don't see why not. What are you using it for?

From Me to Joe ******:

Don't worry about that. So would I be able to swing by and pick it up in my truck, then bring it back about an hour later? I can leave my driver's license as collateral.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

First you need to tell me what the chipper is being used for or you can find someone else.

From Me to Joe ******:

Okay, I'll try to explain my situation. My cat just had a litter of kittens, and I can't get rid of them. I tried giving them to my friends and putting ads online, but nobody wants them. I even tried releasing them into the wild but they keep coming back to my house. I can't stand these little fuckers pissing everywhere and clawing up my furniture. So I figure my next option is to put them down. I can't afford to have it done professionally, so I think a wood chipper would be the next most humane way. I looked up your model and saw it has a 6 inch input, which I think will be perfect for me.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

.......................................wow. No.

From Me to Joe ******:

Why not? It is an easy $200 for you. Can't you just pretend I took it to mulch some wood?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

No. You are a sick sick sick sick sick person.

From Me to Joe ******:

I'll give you $250 and throw in a free kitten (not mulched, of course). Plus, I thought about my plan some more, and I decided to put meow mix all around the input, and just leave the kittens near it. That way, if they get shredded, it is their own damn fault, and my hands are clean.

Mike

HOT TUB REPAIRMAN

Original ad:
We are in need of someone who can fix our hot tub. If you know what you are doing, it is probably a fairly easy fix. The hot tub is about 11 years old and has a cracked pipe and a broken pipe. Also, some of the jets are not working (may be related to the pipe). We will pay for the parts. Please respond with an estimate for the cost of labor.

From Me to ********@**********.org:

Hello,

I am a certified hot tub repair technician and would be happy to help fix your hot tub. Please let me know if you are still looking for someone.

Thanks,

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

How much will you charge to fix it?

Ellen

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

It seems like a simple fix, but it will be time consuming. I could charge you money, but I am more interested in barter, if you are willing to hear me out.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

What are you looking to barter?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

All I want in return for fixing your hot tub is to let me use it occasionally when I am on a date.

I find it much easier to get chicks from the bar to come back to my place if I tell them I have a hot tub. The problem is, I live in a basement apartment and do not have a hot tub. Hot tubs are great for getting chicks drunk; something about drinking in a hot tub makes them get completely shitfaced without even knowing it. I don't know the science behind it, but it is a proven fact that bitches get more drunk in a hot tub. Before you know it, these chicks are passed out drunk and ready to fuck.

Don't worry, I won't need to use your house or anything when I get my fuck on; I usually just bang them in the back of my truck and drop them off at a McDonalds.

So basically, in return for fixing your hot tub, all I ask is that you let me use it for 2-3 hours about four or five times a week.

Please let me know if this sounds fair to you.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Absolutely not. Are you joking?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

Why not? I promise I won't pee in the hot tub. If I accidentally do, I promise I will add extra chlorine to balance out the urine levels. I won't shit in your hot tub either. If I have to take a shit, I'll do it in your bushes. Shit makes for great fertilizer.

Please help me out here. I can't use the old hot tub I used to go to because I was informed that I would be arrested if I stepped foot on that property again. I assure you I will have your hot tub running like new once I fix it.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

The concern of you pissing in my hot tub didnt even cross my mind, but I'm just going to add that to the list of reasons why I am against this. Most importantly - I will not let some creep bring women back to my house to rape them in my hot tub!

From Me to Ellen ******:

Whoa there, who said anything about rape? This is purely consensual.

From Ellen ****** to Me:

You said you wait until they pass out to have sex with them!

From Me to Ellen ******:

In the state of Pennsylvania, the law states that if you can get the girl back to a hot tub, it is considered to be sexual consent.

Look Helen, I'm just trying to fix your hot tub. Not get a lecture on ethics. Do you want your hot tub fixed or not?

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Not by you, you creep! and my name is ELLEN not Helen, you fuck!

From Me to Ellen ******:

My apologies, Ellen. I assumed you had made a typo when writing out your name. Now how about answering my question?

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Go fuck yourself, loser.

BE A MAN

Original ad:
Old/used soccer equipment wanted for my kid. Will drive to pick up anywhere near Malvern. No calls, email only: ************@verizon.net
From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Hello,

I have a bunch of old soccer equipment that would be perfect for your daughter. I have soccer balls, nets, cleats, etc. Let me know specifically what you need and we can talk prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Actually the stuff is for my son because I want to get him started in soccer. I'm in need of a practice net, soccer ball and kids size 6 cleats if you have them. Thanks.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

My mistake, I assumed it was for your daughter because it is soccer. If that is the way you want to raise your son, I have some other items you may want to buy for him. I have a pink twirling baton with silver ribbons, and a cheerleader set consisting of two pom-poms, pink cheerleader bloomers, and a toy megaphone.

I'm charging $100 for the practice net, $20 for the ball, $25 for the baton, and $30 for the cheerleader set. I don't have kids size 6 cleats, but you don't really need cleats for soccer anyway. Your son could probably just use his bunny slippers.

Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Well I'm definitely interested in kicking your fucking ass. One question, asshole: if you think soccer is so gay, why do you have soccer equipment, and a cheerleader set and baton?

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Please, you aren't kicking anyone's ass. The fact that you are getting your son started in soccer instead of football says a lot about you as a man.

To answer your question, I have the baton and cheerleader set as trophies. When I was a kid, I used to go around the neighborhood and beat up all the other kids who played soccer and steal their stuff. I acquired the cheerleader set and baton from this one kid in the neighborhood, Caleb. I always knew that kid wasn't right - he used to ride around on a pink bike and always wanted to have tea parties with the other kids. I tried to help him by beating him up and stealing his baton, but I don't think it worked. I saw him in Philly a few years ago, blowing some guy in an alley. Anyway, I kept my gatherings in my shed out back as a testament to my manliness, but I need to make room for my new shotgun and power saw.

So do you want the stuff or not? I also have Brokeback Mountain on DVD. I ordered Die Hard, but that was sent to me in error. It sounds like a movie that you and your son would enjoy watching.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

You must be so proud of what a big man you are with your shotgun and power saw.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

You're goddamn right I am. It's just part of being a man, which you apparently know nothing about. Tell you what - forget the baton and cheerleader set. I want to help you. I'll sell you my shotgun for $1,700. It is a 10-gauge Remington that'll put some hair on your chest. Take your son hunting with it. There is nothing more manly than blowing a deer's head off and eating the raw venison from its neck.

Then, after you are done manning up, you can come back and I'll sell you some football equipment for your son. I'd hate to see him blowing Caleb in an alley in Philly some day.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

How about you take your shotgun and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger? Go fuck yourself.

Angry TV Buyer

Original ad:
i want a flatscreen tv. at least 40 inches and under $500. hit me up if you got what i want

From Me to ***********@**********.org:

Hey,

I am selling my 42" Westinghouse plasma TV for $400. It is in excellent condition. I'm just selling it because I got a bigger one and don't need this one anymore. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

yeah man thats perfect. ill buy that as soon as possible. would you be able to bring it to my house? i dont have a car. im home pretty much all day every day

you can call me if you want 610-***-****

From me to jim ******:

No problem, Jim. I could bring it by tomorrow after work. Are you sure you want to buy it though? I don't want to bring it there and have you decide you don't want to buy it.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

no i definitely want it. just bring it over man

my address is 415 ********* rd, ******, PA
just call me if you have any trouble

From me to jim ******:

Okay, I'll be over tomorrow.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm very sorry I was unable to make it to your house today. I had the TV loaded in the back of my pickup truck, and I was all set to go to your house. I just decided to make a quick stop in Chester to buy some stuff from a friend, and when I got back to my truck, the TV was gone. I can't figure out what the hell happened to it. I'm thinking maybe I hit a bump and it slid out of the truck, because I do forget to close my tailgate sometimes. I don't really remember if it was in the truck when I parked it, so I am baffled.

Anyway, this is totally my fault. Seeing as how I promised you a TV and lost it, I am going to help you out. I signed you up for a 2 year subscription to Plasma TV Enthusiasts Weekly. It is an excellent magazine that will give you a lot of information on plasma TVs to help you make the right decision when buying one. It is normally $84.99 a year, but I hooked you up with my referrer discount so it will only cost you $63.50 a year. I had it sent and billed to the address you gave me, and you should get your first one in a week or two.

Once again, I am very sorry that I lost the TV that I was going to sell you, but hopefully this magazine can help you out.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

are you out of your fuckin mind i dont want any fuckin magazines!!! what the fuck.. you better fuckin cancel that shit. what the fuck were you thinking dude, im not paying for that you fuckin dumbass

From jim ****** to Me:

and its obvious YOUR TV WAS STOLEN YOU FUCKIN RETARD. why the FUCK would you leave a tv in the back of your truck in chester?

cancel the fuckin magazines..NOW.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

Why do you want me to cancel the magazines? It is a great magazine and I got you a great deal for it. You won't find it cheaper anywhere else. Also, to put it frankly, if you were going to buy a Westinghouse plasma TV from me without even looking at it, then it is clear you still have a lot to learn about plasma TVs. Reading this magazine will make you an expert in no time.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

you fuckin asshole i dont want to pay for some stupid magazine! i just want a goddamn tv. who the fuck would want to read a fuckin weekly magazine about tvs?! cancel it right now. im serious

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm sorry you feel that way about the magazine. I was just trying to help. Unfortunately I cannot cancel the magazine. When I signed you up on the phone, they gave me a confirmation number I could use to cancel the subscription. I couldn't find a piece of paper to write it on, so I wrote the number on a napkin. I think I accidentally used the napkin to wipe my face after eating wings last night, and then threw it out. I'd look through the trash to find it for you, but the garbage truck already picked it up this morning. I think they take it to the dump/recycling center in Media if you want to go look for it. It was a napkin from Taco Bell, if that helps. I usually get all my napkins there.

If you think it would be easier, you could just cancel it once you get your first magazine in the mail. You'll probably be billed for the first month, plus a $75 cancellation fee because I didn't sign you up for cancellation insurance. I just assumed you would want to keep the magazine.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

i cant believe i just read all that shit because i should have known from the first few lines that you were a fuckin idiot

i dont care if you have to blow the fuckin editor, you better find a way to get it cancelled because i am not spending a goddamn nickel on that magazine!

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

If you don't pay for it, that may screw up your credit. I remember one time I forgot to pay my TV guide subscription for about 14 months, and that really messed up my credit. I had trouble buying a house because of that. You should be careful.

Since you seem to not know a lot about the importance of your credit, I signed you up for a year subscription of In Debt Weekly, a great magazine that can teach you a lot about credit. Don't worry, I got you the same discount as before, and this magazine is actually a little bit cheaper. It is only $34.99 a year. It came with a discounted subscription to Card Times, another magazine about credit cards. That one is only $25 per year, so I signed you up for that as well. It is a decent magazine for the price.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

GL4KJHSGSKFKJS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE STOP SIGNING ME UP FOR FUCKING MAGAZINES!!!!

CANCEL THOSE RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

There is no need for that kind of language. Please do not talk to me anymore.

Unless you would be interested in a subscription to Anger Management Journal. I can sign you up for that if you want to learn how to control your temper.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

FUCK YOU

Paying by Prayer

Original ad:
Help me! I'm in desperate need of a Blu-ray player. I don't have a lot of money so if you want to give me one for free, that would be great. In return I will say many prayers for you! Please e-mail me @ ***********@verizon.net

From Me to ***********@verizon.net:

Hey there,

I have an old Blu-Ray player I don't use anymore. Are you interested?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Yes I am very much interested! What brand is the player and is it free?

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

It is a Samsung player, and whether it is free or not depends on you...how many prayers are we talking about here?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I will say many prayers for you!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Yeah, I got that. Specifically, how many prayers? This Blu-Ray player wasn't cheap. I'm thinking, 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys every day for a year. Does that sound good?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Mike, the quantity of prayers is not important - it is the sincerity and power of the prayer that matters. I will be genuinely thankful and show this through my prayers!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Sorry, but I'm not settling for anything less than 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys per day. The last guy I gave my plasma TV to gave me that "sincere prayer" crap but I don't it worked at all. My wife's breasts still aren't bigger and my lottery tickets still aren't winning. The only thing that matters is the amount of prayers that you say. It is your choice; 100 prayers a day or no blu-ray player.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I think you are misunderstanding the purpose of prayer. Surely you can't expect me to say that many prayers - it would take all day!

From Me to Cathy ********:

I'm willing to cut you a deal, Cathy. I'll only ask for 50 prayers a day, but in return, you have to come say grace whenever I eat dinner. I'll accept you saying grace for me over the phone if I happen to be eating at a drive-thru fast food place.

I'll also throw in my copy of "Drag Me to Hell" on Blu-Ray.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Please stop. You are being preposterous.

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

My apologies. I guess you are right, I am asking for a bit too much. Here's what I'll do. I'll go by what my priest made me do the last time I confessed to stealing a Blu-Ray player. He made me say 20 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers, but I think the Our Fathers were because I pistol-whipped a guy while I was stealing it. Since I didn't have to pistol-whip anyone this time, I'll give it to you for only 20 Hail Marys. How does this sound? This is practically face value in prayer.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Oh my lord, you have lost your mind! I will get a bluray player elsewhere.

Emails from an A**hole

KITTEN RESCUE

Warning: The following post contains graphic images. If you are offended by the sight of food-dye, corn syrup, and ground beef, you may not want to read this.

Original ad:
Humane "hav a heart" traps for kittens needed
There are some kittens in my neighborhood that need to find good homes. I need a trap 4 the cats to help bring them in. Please email me if you have a trap (and a heart)!

From Me to *********@********.org:

Hello,

Are you still looking for a trap for cats?

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Yes I am can you help me?

From Me to Deb *******:

I most certainly can! I believe this trap is for those who want to "have a heart." I used it to catch a stray cat that kept coming into my garage. It is called the KittyHugger. All you have to do is put some cat food on the trigger, and when the cat comes to eat it, the trap gently contracts into a hugging position and comfortably hugs the cat until you come back to deal with the little guy. Please let me know if this will work.

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Mike- I have never heard of a trap like that. I was referring to the "Havahart" traps...you know like the cages for animals?? Do you have any pictures of the trap? I'd like to see how it works before I get it. Thanks.

From Me to Deb *******:

Absolutely. I've attached a picture of it. Sorry if it is a little messy; I haven't cleaned the trap in a while.

Attachment:


From Deb ******* to Me:

YOU'RE SICK!

From Me to Deb *******:

Excuse me?

From Deb ******* to Me:

You killed that poor cat OMG

From Me to Deb *******:

I didn't kill the cat. I told you it was a little messy. The last cat I caught knocked over the bowl of juice I gave him so he wouldn't get thirsty. As you can see, it made quite the mess. I assure you this trap is 100% safe and humane.

From Deb ******* to Me:

IT OBVIOUSLY IS NOT SAFE. IT IS COVERED IN BLOOD

From Me to Deb *******:

You've clearly never seen a juice spill before. You have a twisted imagination if you think that is blood. I guess you don't want the trap.

Before you give up on me, I have one more trap you may be interested in. I actually think it is one of those Have a Heart traps you were talking about, though I've never heard it called that.

Please see the attachments. As you can see from the pictures, the kitty will have plenty of room to be safe and comfortable. It comes with a black tube at the end that is used to pump warm air into the cage to keep him warm while he waits to be released.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to clean the trap. It is still a little messy because the last cat I had in there spilled his bowl of juice and his cat food. It went everywhere!

Mike

Attachment:




From Deb ******* to Me:

Wow can't you read the ad you sick jerk? I DON'T WANT TO KILL THEM

How you managed to turn that trap into a bloody mess is a mystery to me but keep the hell away from me!!!

THE TRADITION OF HENRY ROOT LIVES ON

Charles William Donaldson (4 January 1935 - 22 June 2005) was an English satirist, writer, playboy and, under the pseudonym of Henry Root, author of The Henry Root Letters.

Root's satirical lampooning of the wealthy, famous and influential was retold in the books:

The Henry Root Letters (1980),
The Further Letters of Henry Root (1980),
Henry Root’s World of Knowledge (1982),
Henry Root’s A-Z of Women: "The Definitive Guide" (1985),
The Soap Letters (1988),
Root into Europe (1992), and
Root about Britain (1994).



I myself have always been a huge fan of the Henry Root Letters so it's nice to see his tradition of satire continued on the net.

ENTER Emails from an A**hole.


This is one of a collection of e-mails sent to people who post classified ads. The goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off.

Disguised Weapons

Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter.

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******: 

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about. 

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.