TODAY'S JOKE

"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks ................... Where can I see him ?"

 "ICU baby, shaking that ass".

I'll get me dressing gown !

TODAY'S JOKE

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well ....  Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed"

TODAY'S JOKE

Went to the Doctor this morning because I had swallowed some coins ...

He made me take a laxative ....

The nurse just told me there's no change yet ....

I'll get me Hospital gown !

TODAY'S JOKE

What do dwarves and midgets have in common ?


Very little !



I'll get me stool !

TODAY'S JOKE

Papiss Cissé has been fined for refusing to wear a shirt showing Newcastle club sponsor Wonga.

He has been given an initial fine of £5,000, rising to £47,987,654,334 if he hasn't paid by Friday.


I'll get me checkbook !

TODAYS JOKE

Bubba, Cooter and Gomer were buddies, did almost everything together ..... mostly hunting and fishing, so when Bubba died in a fire .... Cooter and Gomer were asked to come to the morgue and identify the body. Cooter arrived first and was greeted by the mortician ...... 'Yep', said Cooter .... 'shore looks like Bubba but his face is burned purty bad

, you better turn him over' ...... The mortician did as he was asked and Cooter took a closer look ..... 'Nope' he said .... 'that aint Bubba' and left the room ......... When Gomer arrived, he was shown in to meet with the mortician .... 'Yep' he said, 'same height, same weight .... but just to make sure, you better turn him over' ....... The mortician obliged and Gomer took a closer look ..... 'Nope' he said ..... 'it aint Bubba'.
The mortician said to Gomer .... 'You and Cooter seemed so sure it was your friend until I turned the body over ... what was it that changed your minds ?'

Gomer replied ...... 'The corpse only had one asshole .... Bubba had two ..... everytime you saw Bubba, someone would say "There goes Bubba with the two assholes"'.

TODAY'S JOKE

Went to see a house today with period features.


 Wife hates it when I call her that.


I'll get on to me solicitor !

TODAY'S JOKE

Mate of mine went to jail ...... Hated it ........... depression, fighting, smearing shit on walls .............

Last time I invite him round to play monopoly !


I'll get me Top Hat !

TODAY'S JOKE

In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ass and said "give me your phone number sexy".

 I said "have you got a pen''. She smiled and said "yes".

 I said "well feck off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".

I'll get me wellies !

TODAY'S JOKE

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond out the back that was the perfect shape and size for a swimming hole, so he fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a BBQ pit and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, just to look it over.

He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket on his way to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard loud noises of people laughing and shouting and the sound of splashing water.

As he approached the pond, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in the pool.

He made the young women aware of his presence and they all retreated to the deep end of the pond  .... 'We are not coming out until you leave !' one shouted.

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or to force you to get out of the pond in the nude' he said.

Holding up the bucket, he said ........ 'I'm just here to feed the alligator'

TODAY'S JOKE

I was listening the 6 Music on the radio earlier on, and Eric Clapton was talking about Jimmy Saville ........ he reckoned that Saville's career really took off in 1967 when, backstage at an episode of Top of the Pops ...... Saville introduced Cream to The Small Faces.


I'll get me 12 inch single !

TODAY'S JOKE

Wish people would shut up about Jimmy Savile.

He was great when I went on Jim'll Fix It when I was a kid.

He fixed it for me to milk a cow .................. Blindfolded.

I'll get me badge !

TODAY'S JOKE

I would like to share with you all an experience that I recently had regarding drinking and driving. As you would know, most of us have had brushes with the law on our way home from some sort of social occasion before. Well I, for one, have done something about it. The other night I was out for dinner and a few drinks with some friends. Having had a few too many drinks and knowing full well I was struggling, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.... I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

TODAY'S JOKE

Abu Hamza's lawyer has just confirmed he is going to appeal his High Court defeat against deportation to America on terrorism charges to the highest court in the land.

He's just waiting on the Football Association to set a date for the hearing.


I'll get me dishadasha !

TODAY'S JOKE

Just back from the hospital...

They reckon I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoscoliosis.

But at the moment it's difficult to say.


I'll get me Hospital gown !

TODAYS JOKE

Husband  to wife:

Husband: "Shall we try swapping positions tonight Dear ?"

Wife: "That's a good idea - Why don't you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart !"

I'll get me prenuptual !

TODAYS JOKE

I ran into a guy outside the Old Bailey today. He had taken Ryanair to court over his missing luggage ........................................................... and he's just found out that he's lost his case.

I'll get me boarding pass !

TODAYS JOKE

I just watched the movie 'Groundhog Day' ..................... again.



I'll get me popcorn.

TODAYS JOKE

A mate of mine has a drinking problem, he's addicted to drinking brake fluid ....

but he says he can stop anytime !



I'll get me racing  jacket !

TODAYS JOKE

I read an article in the paper today about a woman who has been awarded £6,000,000 for a 'botched' face lift.

She did not look happy.


I'll get me scalpel !