GREEDY ? ..... MP's weren't claiming nearly enough ! ..... by ALAN B'STARD

Yesterday morning, I awoke with a strange, unsettling sensation. I couldn't recall ever feeling this way before. I just lay there, staring up at the Michelangelo fresco and trying to identify the nature of this unease.
Then a dim childhood memory surfaced, something to do with setting fire to a cat, and I realised the feeling was - guilt. I turned over in the huge four-poster bed, accidentally knocking two Brazilian pole dancers on to the floor. I felt dreadful - not about them, obviously, but about the fate that has befallen our once proud nation.
But why? It's not my fault the House of Commons is full of flippers, chancers and sneaks. I can't be entirely to blame for the grim standard of MP that has swarmed in to our ancient legislature over the past few decades. But I do have to take some responsibility for their antics. After all, they were only trying to emulate me.
The master: A second house? I had nine second houses, one of them a yacht moored off Macauto for change
I admit that when I was first elected as an MP, back in the Eighties, I quickly became infamous for the scope and imagination of my expense claims. A second house? I had nine second houses, one of them a yacht moored off Macau, and all paid for by you - my grateful, if uninformed, people.
And then there were my highly paid girls Monday to Friday, all 100 per cent subsidised, and renowned worldwide for their beauty and double-jointed flexibility. They made the inmates of the Playboy mansion look like arthritic nuns.
But I soon matured and realised that massaging my allowances - and being massaged on allowances - was small beer.


That's when I invented financial derivatives and set out on the path to unimaginable wealth. But, as we all now realise, my derivatives played no small part in the worst recession we've known. And, regrettably, my resulting losses made rather a dent in said unimaginable wealth. I needed to find new revenue streams in which to dip my toes.
And so I admit that it was I who leaked - all right, sold - every sordid detail of the MPs' expenses claims. In my defence, I had no choice. I needed to lay my hands quickly on a modest wad - my bank accounts having been outrageously frozen by the Serious Fraud Office pending their investigation into how, allegedly, I managed to divert £50billion worth of Alistair Darling's fiscal easing into my personal piggy bank.
Naturally, as a life-long Tory, I had assumed that the expenses coverage would focus exclusively on Labour Party misdeeds, while soft-pedalling our own people's minor accounting errors.
And at first it seemed I was right, as analysts gleefully recounted such scandals as John Prescott's two replacement toilet seats.
I have to say I was astounded. Only two? I'd have thought Prezza crushes the loo seat to dust every time he visits the smallest room.

After all, I discovered Tony BlairAs the litany of Labour outrages unfolded, I felt a quiet satisfaction. The vision of Michael Martin and Hazel Blears fighting to be first in the JobCentre queue was politically delightful and oddly arousing.
Then, to my horror, the fire was turned on the Tories. Why? I suspect some still don't trust dishy Dave Cameron, believing him to be a clone of Tony Blair. He is, of course, but what they don't realise is that Tony was a Tory all along.
I should know - after all, I discovered T. Blair. When I first encountered him, he was just a second-rate lawyer with almost no interest in politics. Yet I could see his potential as a promising young actor with bags of ambition.
And when I realised John Major's mob were doomed, I trained up Tony and insinuated him into Labour, so there'd still be someone who believed in unfettered capitalism at the helm of Great Britain PLC. Someone I could control.
The plan worked a treat. On election, I - or rather Tony - promptly slashed taxes, dismantled banking regulations and unleashed the City of London wide-boys. For five or six years we all had a great time.
Unfortunately, the moment I took my eye off Blair he decided he really was a politician - and next thing we're fighting simultaneous wars against insane dressing-gown-wearing suicide bombers.
But I digress. Back to the current expenses business. No sooner had Labour's disgrace been reflected in a joyful collapse in their polling than the honourable and totally justifiable claims of Conservative MPs came to light.
Take Douglas Hogg. He is the latest in a long line of Hoggs who have served the nation for centuries, and all he wants in return is the right to retire behind castle walls and have nothing to do with the common herd.

Can you do anything with a moat for two grand?
But because he claims £2,000 for a moat, everyone turns on him! I mean, 2,000 measly pounds! Does anyone think you can do anything with a moat for two grand, beyond perhaps restocking it with goldfish?
Obviously, Douglas has massively subsidised the public purse by refurbishing his moat with his own money, and probably the £2,000 is simply for signs saying 'Private property - keep out', which should be paid for by the public, as they are aimed at the public. Another fine man unfairly besmirched is Alan Duncan, one of our few remaining Right-wing ideologues.
Alan is criticised for reclaiming £600 or £700 for a sit-upon lawn mower. What on earth is wrong with that? Have you seen Alan Duncan? He's tiny. We can't expect him to mow his garden on foot! He'd be out there until midnight.
I still clung to the hope that the spotlight would switch to the Lib Dems to take the heat off us Tory big beasts.
Sure enough, Ming Campbell was caught out paying a grand or so to an interior decorator, which at least shows some class compared with Chris Huhne's trouser press - which, to judge by his crumpled attire, he clearly never uses. But overall the Liberals turned out as dull and unimaginative as ever.

What, then, is behind this collapse of Parliamentary probity, other than the impossibility of living on an MP's pathetic stipend? Are our members morally inferior to their predecessors? Is Expensesgate the symptom of a deeper malaise?
I think the answer, one that politicians fear to acknowledge, is that MPs are powerless.
Once in No10, the PM immediately sets out on the path of ignoring his or her backbenchers. These poor worms are kept in place by vague promises of future advancement - and the fear of losing their cushy positions the moment they show any independence.
So cowed and pathetic is today's Parliamentary Labour Party that nobody of stature had the guts to stand against Gordon Brown for the leadership. Thus we have a Prime Minister chosen neither by the voters nor his own party members. Even President I'm A Dinner Jacket of Iran has a more democratic mandate than Gordon!

I think the answer is that MPs are powerless
Besides, even if Parliament tried to hold the Government to account, they'd have little impact, since 70 per cent of our laws are made in Brussels and merely rubber stamped in Westminster.
I suspect you are wondering why on earth I care. Surely, I hear you say, Sir Alan B'Stard (I received the knighthood in Blair's retirement honours, but we kept it out of the papers, obviously) has no interest in this once great country other than to pillage it for his personal benefit?
I admit that is, to a great extent, true. Yet I consider myself to be the equivalent of a proud Masai warrior.
The Masai keep cattle and live off their blood by piercing a bull's vein and draining off a pint every now and then. The warrior doesn't kill the bull, however. He looks after the bull, and the bull repays the favour.
Likewise, I will not allow the beast that nourishes me - the Westminster establishment - to become so sick there is no blood left to tap. I'd be a very foolish parasite indeed.
Therefore I have no choice but to return to public life. Indeed, I'm already building a new party.
Even had Parliament not lost all respect, I fear my services would still be needed, following the worldwide financial crisis that Gordon Brown is in no way responsible for. Everyone knows hard choices must be made and that no mainstream party has the nerve to make them.
My manifesto is simple. We'll save billions by cancelling Trident, our 'independent' nuclear deterrent, on the grounds of cost and the fact that it isn't independent - we'd have to get America's permission to fire it.

We'll lease East London to the French so they can have the bloody Olympics after all
We'll save further fortunes when we scrap plans for ID cards - the Civil Service would either lose our details or misfile them, anyway.
We'll abolish the Department of Trade, the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, and we'll sell off the BBC. We'll lease East London to the French so they can have the bloody Olympics after all - and pay for them.
We'll slash top-rate income tax to 20 per cent to encourage the super-rich to come back and live here. Then we'll triple VAT on luxury goods. Millionaires love spending money, and if designer handbags and posh restaurants shoot up in price, the plutocracy will merely value these things more.
Finally, we'll grant full independence to Scotland and Wales. We might be worse off if Scotland keeps the oil, but in the long term, we'll be well rid of the tartan spongers. I wouldn't mind making the North of England independent, too, but that might be harder to arrange.
You're probably quite excited now and want to know what my new party will be called so you can vote for us. Well, I think there's only one possible name: The Honesty Party.
Will I be leader? Or course not. I intend to auction the leadership to the highest bidder. I will have a far more important position. I'm going to be Speaker.

Tw@ of the week

It's no surprise that this weeks Tw@ of the week is from the Afternoon Show on RTE ........ as it probably should be every week.
This week its Trevor Keegan , the guy who took over from the woman who took over from the other woman who replaced the presenter who ...... oh lets just say it .... he's the next in a long line of people who are having dental problems while trying to work alongside Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh .

This week our Trev informed the public ( through grinding teeth ) that he made his own Garlic Bread ..... when questioned further by the chef de jour ... " Oh , you made your own bread ? , thats very brave " ... he replied " oh no ... I bought the bread ! " ....... and in conclusion ... it seems that this week Trevor Keegan buttered a piece of bread folks , is there no limit to the talents of RTE presenters ?

G20 Summit

It was more like the Oscars than a summit for people who are supposed to be working for us .
1st mistake we all make is to call them our leaders !!!
These people are our " representitives " , they are not superstars , and they are certainly not the smartest people on the planet , haven't we learned that yet ? .
To see these people jockeying for position at every event , be it a dinner or a round table meeting is a little embarressing , turning every meeting into a photo op and spending money like its going out of fashion is absolutely appalling .
Obama brought an entourage of 600 with him to the G20 ....... I could be sarchastic now but it just isn't funny , not only did he bring his own Limousine with him , he brought Marine 1 ... his personal helicopter ... and wait for it .... he also brought Marine 2 .... his " decoy " personal helicopter . [FYI ( President George W Bush ordered a new fleet of 28 helicopters in 2005 at a cost of $6.1 billion , at the moment the estimate for these aircraft has risen to $11.2 .... thats $400mil each !!! ) President Obama is reviewing the situation ] .... I suppose that if you consider that Marine 1 often travels with 5 other " Marine 1's " when it fly's domestically , the G20 is getting a bargain !!!
At what point does this become a negative event ?
Why cant these people do this using the available technology and save the taxpayers around $300million everytime they meet ? . I've seen the conferencing that can be done today , the technology is amazing and the money saved could be used for better purposes ..... what would John Lennon have made of all this nonsence ?

CIVILIZATION

We like to refer to ourselves as a civilized species , as opposed to " savage " or " barbaric " ........ but of course that is nonsense , we are savage and barbaric by nature . We shouldn't appologize for this , what we should do is acknowledge it . How can we ever hope to improve if we keep denying what we truly are ?
This world is becoming increasingly crowded , and a consequence of this is violence , it makes perfect sense for humans to have some sort of culling system , to thin the herd ...... but instead of that , we are trying desperately to do the opposite .
We are trying to find a cure for cancer ..... why ?
Cancer is nature's way of keeping numbers dawn , yes ... it is an awful disease and it is harrowing to watch someone die from it ( anyone , not just a loved one ) but the reality is that 30,000 children die in Africa every day from disease and hunger , the disease being malaria .... which we can cure , which we HAVE cured in the developed world and hunger which we can stop tomorrow if we choose .
Why are we now going to spend billions on Stem Cell research to try and cure Altzheimers , Parkinson's and Spinal cord injuries ? ........ well the answer is simple .... and its the same answer to all these ethical questions ........ Money , the almighty dollar . It has nothing to do with us being civilized , caring , concerned ..... there's money at the end of this rainbow .
There's no money to be made from saving 30,000 african babies a day ......... so ... we dont , but if we could prolong the life of the rich and famous , if we could clone designer babies for people who can afford it , then it will be worth it .
Its nice that Madonna has adopted children from developing countries , but its a little creepy that she picks " physically beautiful " kid's . now I'm not having a go at Madonna but she does buy kids like people buy cars ( Have you got this one in different colour ? ) ....... we all know where this is headed ... dont we ?
Fast-forward 20 years and the rich will no longer be " giving birth " , they will design the baby they want and pay with cold hard cash .
The rest of us will have babies the " old fashioned way " .... just so they can be disposable in case of war or global catastrophe , something the children of the rich and famous never have to worry about ...... bless !
Our kids will be brought up by parents who watch " Strictly Come Dancing , Little Britain and Eastenders " ..... of course there are parents out there who have a higher level of inteligence than that , but they are becoming the minority .
We are a strange species with strange priorities ... we would rather spend countless millions keeping Charles Manson alive for 60 years behind bars , with the best of medical care than to spend the same amount on saving childrens lives .
We allow the media to bombard us with bad news 24 hours a day rather than make a stand and demand that thay behave in some sort of ethical way . Forensic psychiatrists and psychologists tell us that the worst thing we can do in regard to serial killers and mass murderers is to " cater " to them ..... to lawd them on the news , to make them into a kind of anti-hero , to go on about the body count , this story should be made as boring as possible to all but the community involved ... if the media go on and on about the incident , the odds increase that another such event will occur within 3 to 5 days , this is the professional advice , this advice is of course never taken .
It used to be that Lawyers were the scum of the earth ......... but not anymore .. the new scum is The PR men , the people who can spin any story any way they want , and then you have the Media men , the people who will desparately try to drain every second of air time from the nonsense spun . When was the last time you saw footage of a peace rally ? ........ Exactly ! ...... Unless there is a protest at a pease rally , it doesn't get air time .
The " News " loves mass shootings at schools , they can fill our screens for days with footage of the victims , the witness's , friends of the killer , class mates of the killer , shots of the school , CCTV footage of the killing , mobile phone footage of the killer when he was 12 playing " in happier times " ...... photographs of the killer himself , graphic reconstructions of the events , pictures of the weapons used .......... I could go on and on ....... its called " media frenzy " and it turns sad pathetic losers into heroes for the disenfranchised section of our community , and all this is done in such a way that we are led to believe that the media is looking for an answer .... Why did this happen ? ... What turned this young man into a crazed killer ? ...... How can we spin this story out for the next week ?

I wrote this piece after the mass killing in Germany ........ 3 days later there was a mass killing in The USA .

Surely in a civilized society , we would try to minimize the damage , not exaggerate it , but where's the money in that ?

http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org

September 10th, 1945 finds a strapping (but tender) five and a half month old Wyandotte rooster pecking through the dust of Fruita, Colorado. The unsuspecting bird had never looked so delicious as he did that, now famous, day. Clara Olsen was planning on featuring the plump chicken in the evening meal. Husband Lloyd Olsen was sent out, on a very routine mission, to prepare the designated fryer for the pan. Nothing about this task turned out to be routine. Lloyd knew his Mother in Law would be dining with them and would savor the neck. He positioned his ax precisely, estimating just the right tolerances, to leave a generous neck bone. "It was as important to Suck-Up to your Mother in Law in the 40's as it is today." A skillful blow was executed and the chicken staggered around like most freshly terminated poultry.

Then the determined bird shook off the traumatic event and never looked back. Mike (it is unclear when the famous rooster took on the name) returned to his job of being a chicken. He pecked for food and preened his feathers just like the rest of his barnyard buddies.

When Olsen found Mike the next morning, sleeping with his "head" under his wing, he decided that if Mike had that much will to live, he would figure out a way to feed and water him. With an eyedropper Mike was given grain and water. It was becoming obvious that Mike was special. A week into Mike's new life Olsen packed him up and took him 250 miles to the University of Utah in Salt Lake City . The skeptical scientists were eager to answer all the questions regarding Mike's amazing ability to survive with no head. It was determined that ax blade had missed the jugular vein and a clot had prevented Mike from bleeding to death. Although most of his head was in a jar, most of his brain stem and one ear was left on his body. Since most of a chicken's reflex actions are controlled by the brain stem Mike was able to remain quite healthy.



In the 18 MONTHS that Mike lived as "The Headless Wonder Chicken" he grew from a mere 2 1/2 lbs. to nearly 8 lbs. In a Gayle Meyer interview Olsen said Mike was a "robust chicken - a fine specimen of a chicken except for not having a head." Some longtime Fruita residents, gathered at the Monument Cafe for coffee, also remember Mike - "he was a big fat chicken who didn't know he didn't have a head" - "he seemed as happy as any other chicken." Mike's excellent state of health made it difficult for animal-rights activists to garner much of a following. Even now the town of Fruita celebrates Mike's impressive will to live, not the nature of his handicap. Miracle Mike took on a manager, and with the Olsens in tow, set out on a national tour. Curious sideshow patrons in New York , Atlantic City , Los Angeles , and San Diego lined up to pay 25 cents to see Mike. The "Wonder Chicken" was valued at $10,000.00 and insured for the same. His fame and fortune would earn him recognition in Life and Time Magazines. It goes without saying there was a Guinness World Record in all this. While returning from one of these road trips the Olsens stopped at a motel in the Arizona desert. In the middle of the night Mike began to choke. Unable to find the eyedropper used to clear Mike's open esophagus Miracle Mike passed on.

TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED.

I'm not one for taking the Lords name in vain at the drop of a hat ........ but .... sometimes a story comes along that is sooooo surreal that words absolutely fail me ........ of course this is the perfect oppertunity to cuss and swear , I believe thats what cussin' and swearin' were invented for in the first place , but the truth is that some stories are not covered by simple cuss words , you need to resort to blasphamy to get the point accross ......... you'll understand when you hear the stories .

Jordan ( Katie Price ) may represent the UK in the 2012 Olympics in the field of dressage ............... ( insert appropriate expletive here )

Dickens couldn't have made it up .

AND ........ Samuel " Joe the plumber " Wurzelbacher is to go to Gaza as a war correspondent for Pajamas TV .

"I get to go over there and let there 'Average Joes' share their story, what they think, how they feel, especially with world opinion, maybe get a real story out there, Wurzelbacher (said).

Thousands have died in the (recent) fighting. Joe knows the danger is very real, but believes his civic duty is once again calling him to do something bigger than himself.

"Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance," Wurzelbacher (added).


CHRIST ON A BYCYCLE !!!!!!!

TV Chefs

I am a little fed up of TV chefs telling me " when your finished with the vanilla pod , what you can do is put what remains into your sugar and this will give it a lovely taste " ......... I KNOW , HEARD IT 40 TIMES THANK YOU !

Fact is , most folks dont have vanilla pods , fresh Fennel or goose fat lying around their kitchens , so please .... dont patronize us .

How addictive is this song ?

This is quite rude , so people with a delicate disposition should avoid it . on the other hand ... if you and your mates like to go out for a drink and a laugh now and then and you ever find yourself in a late night taxi stop waiting for a taxi and you are bored ........ then this is definately the song for you .

Hollywood

Why oh why does Hollywood have to make the same movies year after year ?

The other evening I watched about 10 minutes of a movie entitled " Two Weeks Notice " with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant , it didn't take me long to figure out it was just another version of the same movie Hollywood makes every year ........ Pretty Woman , Maid in Manhattan , Sleepless in Seattle etc . Where's the originality gone ?
If it's not that movie rehashed every year , it's a movie about a group of misfits who go on to win some title or another by bonding together and beating the odds , it doesn't matter if its " The Mighty Ducks " or " Dodgeball " ............ they're all the same .
Trying to find a movie with a new story is becoming increasingly difficult these days , I find that I have to look for independant movies more and more , Hollywood has given up , it doesn't even bother anymore to try and bring something new to the screen , re-makes of old movies and TV shows seems to be the easier option , its bad enough that TV itself is dumbing down ... now we get the same with the movie industry .................... thank God for books.
The problem that Hollywood has with books is that they want happy endings and so change these fabulous stories and in the process ... ruin them . One of my favorite books of recent years was " Hannibal " . the third ( and final ) in the Hannibal Lecter series ........ the ending was beautiful and fitted the completion of the story so well ......... but when Hollywood got hold of it they ruined it , presumeably to leave the door open for another sequel ....... shame .
Trying to sanitize wonderful works of fiction should not be allowed , Hollywood should only be allowed the rights to books if they are going to be faithful to the story, sometimes the book and the movie bear no relationship to one another as is the case with Hannibal .
As a fan of The Lord of the Rings for thirty odd years I was dissappointed with some of the omisions from the original book , I understand that the story is so vast that to put everything in would have meant a forth movie , but some characters and storylines are so important to the overall tale that they should have been included , I refer to Tom Bombadil and the destruction of the shire at the end of the tale , dont get me wrong ... I enjoyed the Trilogy very much and never thought I'd see the day when this story would be so beautifully brought to the screen ....... and yet ...... to leave out such crucial parts and to change other crucial parts however minutely was a strange decision in my view . It was my version of Star Wars or Harry Potter and I didn't want it changed just for the sake of it . I still prefer to read the book to get the complete story and maybe thats not such a bad thing , but I wonder how many people feel that they now know the story having seen the movies .
I often say to people who have seen the movies but not read the books that they should never enter a LOTR's quiz ..... the two are very different , I'm still glad that Peter jackson made the movies , the amazing scenery puts pictures to the words I've read at least a half a dozen times over thirty years .

Here's hoping that a new generation of film maker will be faithful to the words created by the authors in modern fiction , I know that " Life of Pi " and " The Time Travellers Wife " are being brought to the screen soon ......... I have read both and am very fond of them , I will be very dissappointed if they are changed for some sort of dumbing-downess by the time they arrive on the screen , Hollywood shouldn't always make something simpler to make sure that a mass audience " gets it " .......... sometimes its more important to be faithful to the words and if some movie goers dont get it ........ perhaps they should read more !

MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA

. Now , dont panic ..... this young lady is very attractive and will have no trouble at all finding herself a rich husband some day, in fact I'll go so far as to say , most 45 year old millionaires would gladly dump the mother of their children in order to wed this young lady .
The world is full of rich middle aged men who want nothing more from a partner than a mouth that works , the lack of a functioning brain is not a problem and is in fact more desirable .

I'm sure that we'll hear alot more from this young lady in this Z-list celebrity driven crazy world of ours soon , who knows ... she may have already been offered her own reality show on MTV ...................... another fine role model for the youth of today ................. Bless .

THE PLAN by Jack Handey

The plan isn’t foolproof. For it to work, certain things must happen:
—The door to the vault must have accidentally been left open by the cleaning woman.
—The guard must bend over to tie his shoes and somehow he gets all the shoelaces tied together. He can’t get them apart, so he takes out his gun and shoots all his bullets at the knot. But he misses. Then he just lies down on the floor and goes to sleep.
—Most of the customers in the bank must happen to be wearing Nixon masks, so when we come in wearing our Nixon masks it doesn’t alarm anyone.
—There must be an empty parking space right out in front. If it has a meter, there must be time left on it, because our outfits don’t have pockets for change.
—The monkeys must grab the bags of money and not just shriek and go running all over the place, like they did in the practice run.
—The security cameras must be the early, old-timey kind that don’t actually take pictures.
—When the big clock in the lobby strikes two, everyone must stop and stare at it for at least ten minutes.
—The bank alarm must have mistakenly been set to “Quiet.” Or “Ebb tide.”
—The gold bars must be made out of a lighter kind of gold that’s just as valuable but easier to carry.
—If somebody runs out of the bank and yells, “Help! The bank is being robbed!,” he must be a neighborhood crazy person who people just laugh at.
—If the police come, they don’t notice that the historical mural on the wall is actually us, holding still.
—The bank’s lost-and-found department must have a gun that fires a suction cup with a wire attached to it. Also a chainsaw and a hang glider.
—When we spray the lobby with knockout gas, for some reason the gas doesn’t work on us.
—After the suction cup is stuck to the ceiling, it must hold long enough for Leon to pull himself up the wire while carrying the bags of money, the gold bars, and the hang glider. When he reaches the ceiling, he must be able to cut through it with the chainsaw and climb out.
—Any fingerprints we leave must be erased by the monkeys.
—Once on the roof, Leon must be able to hold on to the hang glider with one hand and the money and the gold bars with the other and launch himself off the roof. Then glide the twenty miles to the rendezvous point.
—When we exit the bank, there must be a parade going by, so our getaway car, which is decorated to look like a float, can blend right in.
—During the parade, our car must not win a prize for best float, because then we’ll have to have our picture taken with the award.
—At the rendezvous point, there must be an empty parking space with a meter that takes hundred-dollar bills.
—The robbery is blamed on the monkeys.

The New Yorker ( Nov 24 2008 )

THATS RICH !

Ringo Starr has announced that he is no longer going to reply to fanmail ........... for a guy who stumbled into a career on the back of some of the most talented musicians in Music history , that is a little patronizing ........... how dare this talentless git ( once voted the 3rd best drummer .......... in the Beatles ......... by the band members ) announce such a thing , there are few examples anywhere in popular culture where someone with so little potential has risen to such dizzy heights by having the right haircut at the right time . On the singles " Dear Prudence , Back in the USSR and The Balled of John and Yoko " Paul McCartney played drums , not that anyone would have noticed that Ringo was missing .

John Lennon , Sir Paul McCartney and George Harrison inspired a generation with their musical achievements , rarely has there been a Band with such an amount of musical genius within it and for the dross of such a band to now say to his fans that it's too much trouble for him to respond to those who thought that he had any input at all in this Supergroup ( apart from keeping the beat and stumbling across some song titles ) called The Beatles is insulting to all music lovers worldwide .

Its a pity that Heather Mills didn't run into him at a charity bash instead of Paul ........ If there is any justice in the world , he will end up in a Celebrity show in the future and be voted off first .

I hope his tombstone reads " Here lies the voice of Thomas the Tank Engine " ......... the only memorable thing he's ever done .
When you consider that he has many homes paid for by his fans , one would expect more .

I didn't think he could go down further in my estimation .......... I was wrong ! .

POLAR BEAR THEFT RING UNCOVERED

In Churchill, Manitoba, the polar bear capitol of the world, a mysterious crime spree has apparently been solved.
(Churchill, Manitoba) Here in the polar bear capitol of the world, living with polar bears is never boring. In late summer everyone is on edge as hundreds of polar bears come into town after the sea ice melts on Hudson Bay. Because the bears are so dangerous to humans, people leave their doors unlocked in case someone gets chased by a bear, and children are not allowed to walk to school alone. Contrast this fearsome reputation of the adult polar bear, weighing up to 1,500 pounds and possibly the most dangerous carnivore on Earth, with cuddly-looking polar bear cubs and one might wonder, "when do the bears go 'bad'? What causes these innocent cubs to grow up to be so vicious?" The answer to this mystery might be found in another mystery that has plagued Churchill for years. Even though everyone knows each other in this sleepy little town, there have been an unusual number of thefts. Cars, boats, and even garbage cans have been taken. But the stolen items always seem to turn up again. For instance, cars and trucks usually have been driven to the edge of Hudson Bay, and then left there with their motors running and with the doors open. Boats are taken, but they usually end up being found pulled up upon an ice floe out in the bay. Garbage is actually stolen out of the cans. The thefts have pitted neighbor against neighbor, and have made the residents of Churchill suspicious of everyone. But then a group of townspeople decided to install a few security cameras to try to catch the culprit. The plan paid off when two bear cubs were caught stealing a boat (see picture above). "It appears that the young cubs simply have too much time on their paws, and without close parental supervision, they go out in search of thrills", explained Manitoba Provincial Police officer Ursula Merrytime. "When the cubs are left unsupervised, anything can happen." Instead of walking the distance between town and the bay, the bear cubs steal rides in boats, cars and trucks. Since most people do not lock their vehicles, and keys are often left in the ignition, they are easy targets for roving gangs of juvenile bear thugs. When the cubs get hungry, rather than chase seals, they simply steal the nearest garbage can along with its tasty contents. Now that the mystery is solved, the residents of Churchill have a new problem: how to keep the cubs from continuing with their troublemaking. Talking with the cubs' parents has gotten nowhere since the parents respond very defensively, even aggressively. The local bear jail, used for the most troublesome adult bears, could possibly be used for confining cubs as well, by many residents are offended by cute bear cubs being locked up in the slammer. A Bear Youth Center has also been discussed as a way to offer more wholesome activities to the cubs to occupy their idle time. "But something has to be done", said Officer Merrytime, "I just can't bear many more of these thefts…I'm already covered up in paperwork as it is."

BASIL-GATE

THE Madrid government last night sprang to the defence of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross hailing them as the new heroes of anti-Spanish racism.

'My Eeengleesh is a very gooood' Prime minister José Luis Zapatero said the assault on Andrew Sachs was 'measured' given the actor's portrayal of a halfwit Spaniard who thinks a rat is some kind of Siberian hamster.Zapatero said Sachs, banned from entering Spain since 1976, was single-handedly responsible for the country's image as a nation of greasy-haired chimpanzees who have to have everything explained to them twice.
A spokesman for the Spanish embassy in London said: "We've been leaving dirty messages on his answerphone for years.
"And every Sunday we camp outside his house and chuck handfuls of paella at his front door."Spain's biggest newspaper El Pais said: "Señors Ross and Brand are the champions of every waiter who has ever served a table of drunken English tourists who find it amusing to answer all of his questions with 'Qué?' until one of them finally comes out with 'I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona'." Meanwhile, as Russell Brand admitted he had been 'caught up in the money', jumped-up researcher Jonathan Ross was last night told to apologise 18 million times over the next three years.The BBC has also offered Brand's £200,000 salary to the Treasury to help pay down the jaw-droppingly out-of-control national debt that everyone seems to think is irrelevant compared to some swear words on an answering machine.

The DailyMash.co.UK

MORE NONSENSE FROM PALIN

If she's going to lie to the electorate during the election , what makes you think it will be any different if she gets into the White House ?
[Lesson in life no.6 ........ When someone shows you their true self ... dont make them show you twice . ]
Or as Bush would say ...... " fool me ..... eh ...... fool me eh once , eh ............. eh ........ you wont fool me again ! "

Now , some of you folks ( wink ) will say .... " She's being fed these lines , she's being told what to say , McCain cannot come out and say these things .... he has a reputation to protect ...... she doesn't " , her reputation is getting muddier by the day , " Abuse of power " is not a term you'd want associated with a VP nominee , and trying to lie your way out of it wont help , suggesting that The Obama camp has something to do with an inquiry that started a month before it was announced that She had been chosen to run as VP for her party is simply ludicrous and smacks of desperation for the Republicans .
But just because her reputation is in question now does not abregate responsibility for saying " untruths " , where is her " Maverick " streak now ? ...... where are her morals ? ......... she could say " NO " , truth is ..... she is being used , she is nothing more than a puppet , a pawn to make McCain look moral .
When the woman supporter says to McCain that she thinks Obama is an arab , this is a direct result of the lies that Palin is spewing at McCains command ......... it doesn't matter that McCain defends Obama at this point ............ its too late , the cat is out of the bag , are we supposed to respect McCain more now for defending an American citizen from slander ?
Is that not what we'd expect from any presidential nominee , aren't they supposed to do the right thing anyway ?
There will always be a bigoted section of the population that will believe any nonsense that the McCain camp pumps out , some of these people still believe that Barack Obama is a muslim , and is not American and will never accept him as a president if he gets elected , it's no coincidense that these people are mostly uneducated southern people ( the Republican fan base ) , the problem is that these people have a vote .......... shouldn't there be requirements in order to vote ?

1 ....... to be able to count to ten.
2 ....... to be able to read
3 ....... to be able to appreciate wildlife in its natural environment without feeling the need to kill it.
4 ....... to be able to see another persons point of view .

I mean ...... really .

Patronising TV

PATRONISE ; (used of behaviour or attitude) characteristic of those who treat others with condescension ( people who talk down to others , people who think they are better than others )

Welcome to Irish daytime TV , the most patronising TV on this planet .......... if you haven't watched it ........... dont waste your time , if you do watch it ................... STOP !!!!

There was a sketch on French and Saunders a few years back that sums up alot of whats wrong with these shows ........... it portrayed a totally vacuous presenter who was more into herself and what freebees she could obtain than the problems of guests on the show . A typical example of this was the introduction .......... " and from 10 till 10:30 , we shall be dealing with fashion , then from 10:30 till 11:00 we shall be discussing cosmetic surgery for the more mature woman , from 11:00 untill 11:05 ..... we shall be having an in depth discussion on depression , does it affect you ? ...... is there help out there ? .......... what can we do to help ? ................. and then from 11:05 till 12 noon , we shall be finding out what's happining in Hollywood !!!!!! "

This is Irish daytime TV .......... psudo-journalists discussing what they did over the weekend , how bad the job market is ( not for them though ) , how the credit crunch is affecting the people of Ireland ( they always have an anecdote to show how it's hurting them , usually something like " I was going to buy a 3rd home in Croatia for cash recently , but now I have to tighten my belt along with everyone else ") and funnily enough .... they always seems to be an overweight presenter who does " the food segment " , for IRELAND AM ...... this is Aiden Cooney , the man who walks the Dublin City marathon ................. Jesus wept !!!

Then we can move onto " SEOIGE AND O'SHEA " ( its very important that these people have Irish names ) ......... " daytime TV duo Grainne Seoige and Joe O'Shea host this increasingly popular entertainment TV show. The programme offers a tantalising mix of real life stories, celebrity revelations and topical reports about what's going on around Ireland. " This show has now been replaced by " SEOIGE " hosted by Grainne and her sister Sile , presumeably Joe's name wasn't " Irish enough " ........ shame on you Joe , apart from that minor change .... its the same nonsense ( I wont bore you ) .

Then we move onto " THE AFTERNOON SHOW " ..... " Hosted by Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh ( note the Irish name )and Sheana Keane , The Afternoon Show offers viewers a feast of entertainmemt. From soap news, cookery, topical discussions and celebrity guests, Blathnaid and Sheana always get your afternoon into full swing. "

( Please note that the presenter on the right is not Sheana Keane , this is Anna Nolan , the only decent presenter that's been on the show , she has moved on to present TV in the UK )

Unfortunately , that leaves the Irish public with the dross . a mother of 4 who thinks that she is a " hockey mom " who , everyday exclaims that every meal she tastes on the show is " only gorgeous !" and thinks that coats for €900 are being " given away ! " ( which of course is true for her ).

Along with many people I know , I have no idea who these programs are directed at , presumably the 1% of Irish women who's husbands earn €1m per anum .

The guy in the middle is the " entertainment guru " in this mess of a show , his information comes direct from the net ( Perez Hilton presumably ) and constantly has trouble answering any kind of direct question at all .

All in all , this kind of television is a visual alternative to a cheap glossy mag , all frills and no substance ............... makes you wonder why we pay a licience fee at all .