GHANA GHANA GONE

URUGUAY 1 - GHANA 1 [AET] 4 - 2 AFTER PENALTIES

Uruguay reached the semi-finals of the World Cup for the first time since 1970, but ended the hopes of Africa after winning a truly extraordinary match at Soccer City on a penalty shoot-out which saw Uruguay win 4-2 at the final whistle.
Sulley Muntari, almost kicked out of the squad after criticising coach Milovan Rajevac earlier in the competition, struck a long-range opener on the stroke of half-time,while the impressive Diego Forlan equalised with a free-kick 10 minutes after the restart.



Ghana seemed certain to become the first African side to reach the last four of the competition when Luis Suarez [now suspended for the semi-final] saw red after handling on the line in the dying seconds of extra-time.
However, striker Asamoah Gyan, who had already converted two penalties in South Africa, skimmed the crossbar with the last kick of the game.
Gyan showed incredible guts to take the first spot-kick of the shoot-out but John Mensah and Dominic Adiyiah both had their low strikes saved by Fernando Muslera.
And Sebsatian Abreu then showed ice-cold composure to dink the decisive penalty beyond Richard Kingson as Uruguay sealed a semi-final tie against the Netherlands.
Suarez's deliberate handball, which came seconds after he had legitimately blocked one goal-bound effort with his knee, was a gamble that paid handsome dividends.

TODAY'S TOP TIP

EXHIBITIONISTS : Strain your eyes until they go numb before spanking the monkey [beating the meat,choking the chicken,jerkin the gherkin,petting the poodle] , then it will feel like someone else is watching you when you play with Palmela Handerson.

TODAYS JOKE

A Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

LONDONS FOX ATTACKS

A WOMAN told yesterday how she was attacked TWICE by a fox as she lay in bed.
Terrified Natasha David was viciously bitten by the animal after it crept into her flat in the middle of the night.
The fox leaped on the bed and sank its razor-sharp teeth into her right foot.
Natasha, 33, had to go to hospital for treatment and was given antibiotics.
Yet incredibly, the animal returned a few nights later around 2am and bit her on the same foot AGAIN.
Both attacks came only weeks after nine-month-old twins Lola and Isabella Koupparis were savaged by a fox in the bedroom of their home in East London.
And Natasha said: "I am really worried now for the safety of our neighbour's kids. I keep thinking about those poor baby girls."



SALES of repellent which keeps foxes out of gardens have soared by 60 per cent following the attack on the Koupparis twins, according to a new High Street study.

Could there be an agenda here , backed by the press to bring back Fox Hunting ? ......... shall we have chavs ' riding to hounds ' on the streets of the capital protecting residents from the scourge of urban foxes ? ......... who knows .. eh .... as long as it gives the papers something to write about .

JAKE THACKRAY - THE BRIGADIER [No 2]

FOOTIE RUMOUR

Now that the Stephen Gerrard rumours have been put to bed ......... a brand new rumour is expected to be unleashed onto the footballing public in the next week concerning none other than Wayne Rooney .

The English press love to build them up just to tear them down .

CAR CRASH WAITING TO HAPPEN

Alex Reid has begged Katie Price {Jordan) not to [sing] her new single at their wedding blessing as it is devoted to Peter Andre.

The cage fighter told Kate he would feel like Pete was haunting the big day if she performed Free To Love Again tomorrow.

Jordan, 32, hit the headlines last week after it emerged the single uses the exact words Peter spoke on the day of their divorce.

The Aussie hunk said in October: “At last, I’m free to love again.”

Either way , I'm sure that tomorrow's bash will be a classy affair .......... I give it a year .

THE ROYAL Wii

Ernst Stavro Blofeld

Ernst Stavro Blofeld is a Polish fictional character and a supervillain from the James Bond series of novels and films . As head of the organization, Blofeld is commonly referred to as Number 1, an official numerical position given to members of SPECTRE. Blofeld is also, arguably, the primary antagonist of the entire James Bond franchise.
Blofeld appears or is heard in three novels: Thunderball, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and You Only Live Twice; and six official James Bond films: From Russia with Love (1963), Thunderball (1965), You Only Live Twice (1967), On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969) and Diamonds Are Forever (1971) and his final appearance is the pre-title teaser of For Your Eyes Only (1981). He also appears in Never Say Never Again, the 1983 remake of Thunderball.
He was played on screen by Donald Pleasence, Telly Savalas, Charles Gray and Max von Sydow, among others. It was initially a convention of the films not to show Blofeld's face, only a closeup of him stroking his white Persian cat.

JACK HANDEY QUOTE OF THE DAY

" Some folks say it was a miracle , Saint Francis just appeared and knocked the pitch clean over the fence , others say it was just a lucky swing ".

TODAY'S TOP TIP

MOTORISTS : Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving . Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea .

David Beckham cooled England 'war' between Steven Gerrard & John Terry

David Beckham had to intervene in a row between Steven Gerrard and John Terry that threatened to split the England camp ahead of the Three Lions' defeat to Germany .



The Reds captain was reportedly incensed that Terry had called the England players into a huddle after the game against Slovenia.

That was seen as a direct challenge to Gerrard's captaincy of the side, and the row had threatened to spill over until Beckham apparently stepped in as peacemaker.

The two factions [The english speakers on one side and the scousers on the other] agreed to let things rest after Beckham chatted to both sides about their issues .

JAKE THACKRAY - THE HAIR OF THE WIDOW OF BRIDLINGTON [No 1]

I do not profess to be any great hand at writing , and I do not as a rule read poetry , apart from a little McGonagall [whose poetry was so bad , he was once described as " so giftedly bad he backed unwittingly into genius "] now and then .... but , there are artists in the world who may not write Haiku's or Sonnets and yet ...... they are indeed poets , Jake Thackray is one such man . His command of the english language is a pleasure in itself and always reminds me of what can be achieved when one not only puts one's mind to it but does not compromise with the lyrics . I shall be putting one of his songs up everyday for awhile in the hope that he gets a wider recognition from anyone who stops by.

LOL

We call our grandad 'Spiderman'.
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

SARDINE CLASS

Michael O'Leary, the airline's chief executive, will set out proposals today that include charging customers to use the loo.
A standing area with "vertical seats" will be introduced at the back of its fleet of 250 planes.



He said that charging customers £1 to make use of facilities would encourage travellers on one hour flights to use lavatories at the airport instead of on the aircraft.
The Irishman said he intended to introduce coin-operated loos and added: "The other change we've been looking at is taking out the last 10 rows of seats so we will have 15 rows of seats and the equivalent of 10 rows of standing area."
A Ryanair spokesman said that Boeing had been consulted over refitting the fleet with "vertical seats" which would allow passengers to be strapped in while standing up, which would cost between £4 and £8 per person.



Those prices will be very attractive when they arrive. But, here and now, families going on holiday this summer had better beware of the additional costs of taking any bags with them. Online comparison website travelsupermarket.com claims that Ryanair has the lowest hold luggage allowance among Britain and Ireland’s top dozen airlines.
For example, Ryanair sets its allowance for hold luggage at only 15kgs – 8kgs less than British Airways. If a bag exceeds the weight allowance by 10kg, Ryanair imposes an additional charge of £35

At the same time as talking about cutting ticket prices in future, Ryanair is substantially increasing baggage charges with effect from today. Instead of £15 for each checked in bag, Ryanair is charging £20 throughout July and August. Passengers who fail to declare the bag online at check in will see airport bag check in fees rising from £35 to £40 each way.

Safety testing will be carried out next year.
However, a spokesman for the Civil Aviation Authority said the plans would struggle to meet safety requirements.
He said: "It's aviation law that people have to have a seat-belt on from take-off and landing so they would have to be in a seat. I don't know how Mr O'Leary would get around that one. During turbulence passengers also have to have a seat-belt on."

I BELIEVE THIS IS WHATS KNOWN AS A " BRAIN FART "

IT'S SIMPLY SOMETHING SOOOOO BIZARRE .... YOUR BRAIN TAKES A SECOND TO RE-ADJUST .



Yes ..... that is Jim Davidson [racist comedian]

Colour Me Kubrick: A True...ish Story (released in the US as Color Me Kubrick) is a dramedy film released in 2006 (March 23, 2007 in the US). The film stars John Malkovich as Alan Conway, a man who had been impersonating director Stanley Kubrick since the early 1990s. The film follows the exploits of Conway as he goes from person to person, convincing them to give out money, liquor, and sexual favours for the promise of a part in "Kubrick's" next movie. The soundtrack features four songs of Bryan Adams.