Wednesday, February 29, 2012

MEN IN HIDING

THOUSANDS of men left for work at 5am this morning to avoid being proposed at.

Tradition dictates that on 29 February women are allowed under the ancient rites of common law to corner their partner and force him to stop fucking about.

Historians date the practice back to AD 61 when Queen Boudica told her boyfriend she would not lead a single Iceni to revolt until he explained why he never left any tunics or even a toothbrush round at her place.

Carlisle office manager Nikki Hollis said: "I'm actually on the brink of breaking up with my partner for a number of compatibility, emotional and cock-related reasons but I bought a ten quid Argos ring just to see the look of horror on his face this morning.

"Having the bedroom window reglazed is going to cost two hundred quid but it was totally worth it to watch his pale, flabby arse flying out of it."

FACHTNA O'SHAUGHNESSY SAID: 'I'D
RATHER WATCH MAMA MIA AGAIN'
Offices were opened first thing by security guards who are perfectly happy the way things are without having to complicate matters and productivity has soared as male staff get on with their jobs rather than risk seeing an email entitled 'A Very Special Question'.

Fachtna O'Shaughnessy, a Llama herder from Carrigaline, said: "Like most men I'll instantly answer 'yes' to anything that avoids sobbing, a conversation or being called a prick by somebody's mother.

"Therefore I have eaten the sim card from my phone, I've made a nest under my desk out of printer paper and I'm wearing a camouflage onesie.

"I don't have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of needing to give a monkey's fuck about floral arrangements."

OUR CRAZY WORLD

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS ...........

Krysten Ritter, who plays the B**** also starred in Breaking Bad, season 2 as Jesse's girlfriend/landlord ...... and Bryan Cranston/Walt was responsible for her death ... lol

Ritter moved to New York City at the age of 18 and established an international modeling career in print ads and on television. She did magazine, catalog, and runway work in New York, Milan, Paris and Tokyo. Ritter modeled for about 5 years.

She now juggles careers as a writer, a musician and an actor ..... She sings and plays guitar in a band named "Ex Vivian" in her spare time.

This is one very busy lady.

Monday, February 27, 2012

FINALLY .... A MOVIE EVERYONE CAN ENJOY

DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS ?

OR COULD IT BE THAT HE REALIZES THAT THIS PICTURE COULD END UP ON SOMEONES BLOG ?

'SPRING IS COMING'

USE MORE ELECTRICITY .... OR PAY THE PRICE

MORE THAN 100,000 domestic customers of Electric Ireland have begun receiving higher electricity bills – because they are not using enough electricity.

A new “low user standing charge” was introduced by the ESB-controlled supplier with effect from February 1st, targeting customers who “use an average of 2 units (2 kWhs) or less per day in any billing period”.

Households not using enough electricity are seeing their bills increase by 15.5 cent a day, or €9.45 per two-monthly bill, or €56.70 per year.

Domestic customers have been informed of the increase in bill inserts, in some cases by letter, in the past fortnight.


Among them was Philip Campbell, who lives in Harold’s Cross, Dublin, who has cut his electricity use dramatically in the past few months to save money.

“My bills used to be about €250 but I have got that down to between €80 and €125 per bill, just by being a lot more careful.”

He says he was alarmed when he got the letter last Thursday. “It’s just annoying to think that I’ve been making all this effort to save electricity and now I might be charged more. I think I would easily sometimes use less than two units a day.”

However, an ESB spokesman said the increase was “really aimed at vacant dwellings and premises, or holiday homes that are vacant most of the year”. The average daily use over the billing period would be measured, he said.

“Two units per day would be consumed by, for example, a small fridge-freezer on all day, by cooking on a small plate for 20 minutes, by having four 60W bulbs on for three hours, or by running a cycle on a washing machine.”

He said the company was incurring losses on dwellings with “very low consumption” of electricity.

“There are ongoing costs, including meter reading, sending out bills, administration, customer service, which are associated with providing electricity and we have been making a loss on about 10 per cent of our accounts.”

The company has 1.3 million domestic accounts. The average household uses 14 units per day.

“This extra charge will enable us to recover these losses. This is not about discouraging energy-efficiency. The other option was to increase all customers’ standing charges.”

The extra charge will only apply to electricity accounts and not gas.

Asked if someone could save money by having their electricity disconnected while their dwelling was vacant, the spokesman said it would be matter for the individual. “They would have to bear in mind there is a charge for disconnection and reconnection of about €70 each, plus VAT.”

Both Airtricity and Bord Gáis said they were not planning an increased low-user standing charge for energy. In urban areas, Airtricity’s daily standing charge for electricity is 36.3 cent per day, and Bord Gáis’s is 32 cent per day. This now compares to 48.3 cent per day for Electric Ireland.

There are on average 100 gas and electricity disconnections everyday in Ireland.

WE ALL KNOW ONE

Sunday, February 26, 2012

HE'S AT IT AGAIN

If you saw someone with a facial disfigurement walking down the street, would you A) Laugh at them B) Point at them C) Call them names or D) Carry on walking ? If your answer is D then you shouldn’t have found Jeremy Clarkson’s latest comments the least bit funny.


In a recent episode of Top Gear, Clarkson compared the size of a new Japanese car to people with growths on their faces; mimicking Joseph Merrick (the Elephant Man) in the process: “You know sometimes you meet someone and they have a growth on their face and it is bigger than their face… one of those really ugly things”. The audience laughed, and the so-called joke was included in the Thursday repeat. It was an odious TV performance. Further into the joke he said the car looked like something you wouldn’t speak to at a party unless you were looking at something else.

REALLY JEREMY .... THIS FROM A MAN WITH THAT GROWING OUT OF HIS NECK ?
DOES JEREMY CLARKSON OWN A MIRROR BY ANY CHANCE ?

THE REAL FACE OF LIVERPOOL AT WEMBLEY

An emotional Kenny Dalglish described Liverpool's Carling Cup final victory as the start of a new era of success for the Anfield club after they overcame a late scare and dramatic penalty shootout against Cardiff City to collect their first trophy in six years.

Dalglish was visibly moved after Anthony Gerrard's final spot-kick flashed wide of José Reina's goal – one of five penalties missed in total after the game finished 2-2 after extra time. He admitted the victory was a repayment to supporters for the troubled times of recent years. "I was emotional. This means a lot to an awful lot of people and that is what this club stands for. All we try to do is make them as happy as we possibly can and hopefully this makes up for the days when it hasn't been like that."

AND HERE ARE SOME OF THOSE TROUBLED LIVERPOOL FANS

3 AGAINST 1 IS THE LIVERPOOL WAY

THE UNLUCKY CARDIFF SUPPORTER WHO WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME

And in other news ....... Charlie Adam's penalty just landed in my back garden !

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN CARRYING 10 MUGS AND NO CUPS ?






GANNICUS RETURNICUS !

Felicitations and salutations brothers ...... Gannicus returns in Spartacus: Vengeance and sets to purpose.

Gannicus has been wandering over the years and indulging to the point where he is quoted to be "light in coin". This prompts him to return to Capua, the place where his prestiege and reputation was established in search for means to finance his endeavors. In exchange for fighting in the arena once again, he is given an amount of coin by a local organizer of the games who is thrilled by his presence.

After making his extravagant reintroduction in the arena, he is comfronted by Oenomaus who questions him about having an affair with Melitta. Upon hesitation, Oenomaus is enraged and begins to deal heavy blows against him.

Shortly after Spartacus and his men begin their assault on the colosseum, Gannicus continues to fight Oenomaus is single handed combat with short instances of interruptions from other Gladiators. The battle continues and it seems as though both fighters are equal in skill until Gannicus is able to disarm Oenomaus who is at a disadvantage from being chained and equiped with a badly damaged sword. As Gannicus is about to deal the fatal blow at Oenomaus, the stands collapse on top of them and they are buried underneath.

Like many of the main (or highly skilled) gladiator characters, Gannicus fights in the Dimachaeri class, which uses two swords for fighting.

Friday, February 24, 2012

GHOST RIDER FANS WARNED NOT TO SET THEIR HEADS ON FIRE

FANS of the character Ghost Rider have been warned to stop emulating their hero by setting their heads alight.

The comic book character is also the subject of poor quality films starring Nicholas Cage, the latest of which Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance has just been released in the UK.

A & E doctor Emma Bradford said: "Since the Ghost Rider sequel came out we've seen a huge increase in people who've deliberately set their own heads on fire.

"They failed to understand that, as well as being a fictional character, Ghost Rider's Johnny Blaze is supernatural in origin.

"My advice to anyone considering setting their own head on fire is to ask themselves, are you an undead former stunt biker escaped from Hell in a desperate bid to win your soul back, or are you the actor Nicholas Cage, playing that character?
TOLIVER BOONE III

"If the answer to both those questions is 'no', do not strike that match."

Ghost Rider fan Toliver Boone III, a native of Fayette in Tennessee, whose head was on fire, said: "It hurts, it hurts so very much."

Fellow fan Nikki Hollis said: "Of course I wouldn't set my head on fire. I'm a woman, the character is male, therefore it wouldn't be logical."

It is not the first time Nicholas Cage films have triggered self-harming acts among viewers.

In 2006 audience members of The Wicker Man put cages containing angry bees on their heads in a gesture that mimicked the film's final scenes as well as being an emotional response to the experience.

DID YOU KNOW ................

Lobsters may live forever !!

Recent research suggests that lobsters may not slow down, weaken, or lose fertility with age. In fact, older lobsters are more fertile than younger lobsters. This longevity may be due to telomerase, an enzyme that repairs DNA sequences of the form "TTAGGG". This sequence is often referred to as the telomeres of the DNA. It has been argued that lobsters may exhibit negligible senescence and some scientists have claimed that they could effectively live indefinitely, barring injury, disease, capture, etc. Their longevity allows them to reach impressive sizes. According to the Guinness World Records, the largest lobster was caught in Nova Scotia, Canada, and weighed 20.15 kilograms (44.4 lb).

Feb 23 - The biggest lobster ever caught in Maine, a 27-pounder (12.25 kg) nicknamed "Rocky" with claws tough enough to snap a man's arm, was released back into the ocean on Thursday after being trapped in a shrimp net last week, marine officials said.

ROCKY WITH HIS HANDLER MICKEY GOLDMILL
The 40-inch (one-meter) male crustacean, about the size of a 3-year-old child, was freed in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, said Elaine Jones, education director for the state's Department of Marine Resources.

"All the weight is in the claws," Jones said. "It would break your arm."

The lobster was caught near the seaside village of Cushing and brought to the Maine State Aquarium in West Boothbay.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GOOGLE THIS

How to delete your Google browsing history in three simple steps . . . before it's too late to hide your secrets


There is just a week to go until Google controversially changes its privacy policy to allow it to gather, store and use personal information about its users.

But there is one way to stymie the web giant's attempts to build a permanent profile of you that could include personal information including age, gender, locality and even sexuality.

From March 1, you won't be able to opt out of the new policy, which has been criticised by privacy campaigners who have filed a complaint to U.S. regulators.

But before that date you can delete your browsing history and, which will limit the extent to which Google records your every move - including your embarrasing secrets. Here's how:

1. Go to the Google homepage and sign into your account. Use the dropdown menu under your name in the upper right-hand corner to access your settings. Click on 'account settings', like below.



2. Next, find the section called 'Services' and you'll see a link to 'View, enable, or disable web history', shown in the red box below. Click on it.



3. Finally, you can remove all of your search details by clicking on 'Remove Web History', shown in the red box below. Once you have done this your history will remain disabled until you turn it back on.



Although disabling web history will not prevent Google from gathering and storing this information and using it for internal purposes, but it mean the Web giant will anonymise the data in 18 months.

It will also prevent it from certain kinds of uses, including sending you customized search results.

If you don't sign in, Google will track your searches via the computer's IP address. The only way to clear your personal history is by signing in.

While it is not known exactly how Google would use your combined information, the policy has been widely criticised.

The Center for Digital Democracy has filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission.

It has asked the FTC to sue Google to stop the policy change and to fine the company.

If successful, the the FTC can impose fines up to $16,000 per day for each violation.

Privacy problems are particularly pertinent to those who share a Google account with other members of their family.

For example if one person searches for pictures of scantily clad women, the next family member to use the internet may find themselves being recommended a bikini contest on YouTube.

Cecilia Kang, of the Washington Post, described collation of vast tracts of information as a ‘massive cauldron of data.’

‘Privacy advocates say Google's changes betray users who are not accustomed to having their information shared across different Web sites.’ she said.

‘A user of Gmail, for instance, may send messages about a private meeting with a colleague and may not want the location of that meeting to be thrown into Google's massive cauldron of data or used for Google's maps application.’

Technology site Gizmodo said that the change was the end of Google’s ‘don’t be evil motto.

The site’s Mat Honan wrote: ‘It means that things you could do in relative anonymity today, will be explicitly associated with your name, your face, your phone number.

'If you use Google's services, you have to agree to this new privacy policy. It is an explicit reversal of its previous policies.’

Larry Dignan, meanwhile, writing on ZDnet.com, described the new policy as ‘Big Brother-ish’.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

TODAYS JOKE

Condom Factory burns down in Australia!

Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Kevin, its the health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency !!! I've just received word that the Condom factory in Sydney has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week !"

PM: "SNAP !!! - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined !!"

Health Minister: "We're going to have to ship some in from....Britain ?"

PM: "No chance !! The Poms will have a field day on this one !!"

Health Minister: "What about South Africa ?"

PM: "I'll call SA - tell them we need ten million condoms; ten inches long and eight inches thick !! That way they'll continue to respect the wallabies !"

Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds ten million condoms, 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one...

MADE IN South Africa
SIZE: Small