The landmark
decision makes sex toy possession a felony punishable by up to five years in prison and/or a $1,000 fine. Once the controversial law passed, Mississippi’s governor, Haley Barbour, authorised dozens of simultaneous sting operations to rid the state of the phallic threat to southern life—a threat second only to terrorism in these dangerous and uncertain times.At Good Vibrations, an adult store on the East Side of Jackson, several undercover policemen witnessed the sale of not one, not two, but eighteen individual vibrators in less than an hour earlier this week. “Things were really buzzing at the store,” commented storeowner Gale McFarland from behind bars in the Jackson state prison for women. “None of us realised the hot men in trench coats were cops. We thought they were Atlanta metrosexuals in the market for some new butt plugs. When they asked to frisk us, we just assumed they were ordinary perverts,” added the 53-year-old grandmother of four. McFarland and her employees are eligible for parole in 2013.
As stunned
Mississippi women picked themselves up off the pelvic floor, 19-year-old Rita Millingham could be heard screaming at police raiding the Pleasure Plaza in the unfortunately named city of Pearl. “You can have my Rabbit Pearl when you rip it from my cold, dead thighs!” She was later arrested and held without bail. Fred Phillips, who was shopping for a new inflatable doll to replace the old one he patched up with duct tape after an unexpected encounter with a hot muffler, witnessed Milligan clenching a 12 inch silicone willy between her thighs, 'as fiercely as a drowning woman would hold a bouy.'The Mississippi law may be rubbing women up the wrong way but it’s not the first of its kind in America. Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas have similar laws on the books, banning the sale and/or advertisement of sex toys for women. South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia are all considering joining them.
But the new laws do allow a little wiggle room, according to Texas based attorney Jack Offalot.“Devices are only illegal to own or sell if their primary use is the stimulation of female genitalia. In other words, if your vibrator performs other functions, it’s completely legal or own or sell under all state statutes,” he went on to explain ........... “Let me get this straight,” I asked him over coffee at Starbucks. “It’s legal to own, sell and masturbate with ordinary household items, as long as they’re sold for other functions?”
“Correct.... Many household tools , for example ”
I was never much on DIY , so I cut him off . “How about vegetables? Cucumbers , pickles ?”
“ As long as you eat them afterwards .”
“ Candles ?”
“ Tapered candles work the best .”
My mind was whirling with ideas. “ A turkey baster ?”
“ It's the only way my wife gets a good stuffing on Thanksgiving ,” he quipped. “Yet another thing to be thankful for. And of course , the electric toothbrush , a staple for any modern woman with a healthy libido.”
Despite the fact that Mississippi residents average the fewest number of teeth in the union, toothbrush sales have always been impressive over the years, which has perplexed out of state marketing executives. Offalot believes the high demand for toothbrushes; particularly battery operated toothbrushes, directly correlates with the state’s anti-sex toy legislation.
For those Mississippians who, rather than brush their teeth, soak them in a glass of water overnight , there are other options. Some clever entrepreneurs have taken advantage of the loose wording of the law by designing undercover vibrators, dildos disguised as normal everyday household items such as the Smith and Wesson Colt 69 . S&W have released the designs for their Colt 69, which will hit the store shelves later this year. Part handgun, part vibrator , the Colt 69 has a retail price of—you guessed it—$69.96, which includes a complimentary round of bullets and batteries.
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