AGENT COLE

Comrade Cole, you have done well in you first two missions.


The red card you got was so clever and I really liked the timing, just at the stroke of half-time. Genius !

Your penalty miss against Trabzonspor last night was so impressive. I love how you managed to look sad despite all the joy you had in passing the penalty to the keeper.

I have also noticed you have been taking massive strides off the pitch as well.

You were found guilty on Wednesday of speeding at 105mph and face a ban obviously trying to fit in with the locals.

You have also managed to convince the captain to compare you to Messi or preferably, Joe 'Messi' Cole. What a tremendous way to start your secret mission over there !

Agent Joe, I am not trying to remind you how to go about your job but you must remember that the real skill is in seamless integration; become your role, know your enemy - they won't suspect a thing (Just look at the job Special Agent Gallas did at Arsenal.)

Put their trophy winning years well and truly in the past and keep calling them the greatest club in England while you secretly make further progress with your mission.

I'm sure you still have some secret weapons in your arsenal (own goals, long term injuries, etc) so I will write you another mission statement when you pull off another spectacular move.

Just remember, if you ever feel your mission is being compromised at any point - GET OUT OF THERE !