PREMIERSHIP REACHES NEW HEIGHTS OF EPIC 110 PERCENTNESS

THE Premier League has seen its biggest weekend of epic, 110 percent giving since it was scraped off a wart on Rupert Murdoch's back.

Every team managed to score at least one empty, windswept cliché, with Manchester United's Dimitar Berbatov racking up five pages of tabloid alliteration.

He becomes the first top flight striker to grab such a haul of overly-effusive folderol since Alan Shearer did something that everyone has forgotten about in 1999.

Footballologist Boggeen O'Toole said: "The sheer volume of commentators saying it's the greatest league in the world shows that it's the greatest league in the world for hearing how it's the greatest league in the world.

Boggeen, who played for The Inniscara Eagles during the their golden era in the early 70's went on to say "While the Spanish press may have more technically-gifted sports journalism you cannot beat the English league's coverage for sheer excitement. Assuming you're also fond of devastatingly poor sentence construction."

Boggeen will always be fondly remembered as the player who got pulled off by his manager at half-time in the semi final of The West Cork Local and District Cup against Blarney United, his uncle Bob was manager of the team at the time as well as being his agent, in fact, Bob handled all the players during his tenure at the club. Blarney United won 7 nil on the day.

Boggeen retired from the professional game in 1997 at the age of 53 [the second youngest player on the '97 team] to spend more time with his pals down the pub. He still holds the scoring record for The Inniscara Eagles of 32 goals in 612 appearances, a record he says " Gary Neville would be proud of ".

Meanwhile more than 90% of managers described various things as 'epic', while the alleged magnificence of their players was up 262% from this time last year.

Arsene Wenger topped the league by describing Arsenal's 4-2 win over Aston Villa as 'the encapsulation of 10,000 years of civilisation and the shining moment that, when the universe finally fizzles into cold oblivion, will mark out humanity's existence'.

But Wolves boss Mick McMarthy is likely to face an FA investigation for bringing the game into repute after describing his side's last-minute winner against Sunderland as merely 'smashing'.

The weekend's perspective-free balderdash was rounded off by the FA Cup third-round draw, which saw dozens of relatively-impoverished teams given the opportunity to not win the trophy by beating fourth-string versions of teams that couldn't give a tinker's tuppence if the trophy was melted down and turned into a statue of Wayne Rooney blowing his muck up a strumpet ... at the end of the day.