The sports pundit impersonator and flexi-time Jedi claims the Youtube account leaking footage of him chasing secretaries around a desk is the work of the Sith Lords.
Using home-made equipment fashioned from an old BskyB squarial, he claimed the leaked footage is teeming with bad midichlorians.
Keys said: "Women lead to bras. Bras lead to breasts. Breasts lead to making 'flubalubaluba' noises whilst shaking your head back and forth.
"A very serious conversation with Human Resources where they ask you to hand back your security pass, that way lies."
He has asked his former employers to be on the lookout for a woman named Darth Sexual Grievance filing harassment suits while ancient men in hooded robes look on and cackle before saying: "Good... good. You have controlled your fear of being groped, now unleash your claim for compensation!"Rumours have already surfaced that Keys will retire from broadcasting altogether, after he told friends: "Excitement? Adventure? A sporting anchor craves not these things. Especially when presenting a Wednesday night League Cup tie between Swindon and Ipswich you are."
But most insiders suggest he will hide away on the unregarded backwater station of Talksport and await the arrival of a young punditry apprentice whom he can instruct in the ways of calling women 'Tittyfolol'.
Keys added: "With this new apprentice and the spectre of my former colleague, I will rid the sporting galaxy of the Sith feminists forever.
"When Sky struck Andy Gray down, they made him more powerful than they could possibly imagine."
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