Wenger celebrates aesthetic qualities of the number three

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase '3rd place'.

Speaking after a performance against Tottenham that football biologists have reclassified as a form of jellyfish, the Arsenal buffoon-wrangler compared sport's obsession with number one with the fashion for size-zero models.

Wenger said: "Mr Ferguson may enjoy the soulless, sexless lines of the number one but for me the callypygian contours of a '3' are much more intriguing. So to have two of them in a scoreline is very pleasing for me.

"And if we can persevere with the likes of Eboue and Clichy, we even come to know the forbidden delights of a round, juicy 8th place."

Arsenal's inability to hold on to a lead has been criticised this season but Wenger insisted that the order of the scoreline in last night's match was a tribute to the time signatures used in John Cale's 1973 song cycle Underachievement In C Minor.

He has also claimed that his selection of goalkeepers reflected his love of the work of Jacques Tati and that Nicklas Bendtner has borrowed heavily from the Absurdist writings of his fellow countryman Kierkegaard when claiming to be one of the best strikers in the world.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: "Arsene has always traded on his professorial, intellectual image and as a result, he's managing his team in an incomprehensibly awful way that has your Nick Hornby-style Arsenal fan saying it's brilliant for fear of sounding like a working class fucknut."

But club chairman Peter Hill-Wood said: "I suspect Arsene is now about three weeks away from pondering the stark, brutalist contrast between the Rubenesque roundness of the letter 'P' and the Picasso-like angularity of the numbers '4' and '5'."

LOL

DID YOU KNOW ................

What could be simpler than taking a good crap ? Even babies are good at it. You might be surprised, then, to find out that even millions of us who can burp without throwing up get this wrong every single day.


Chances are the pooping facility nearest you is a sitting toilet, a relatively recent invention that flushed its way into mankind's heart with the advent of indoor plumbing in the 19th century. Indoor plumbing has turned out pretty well for the most part, but the pooping style that came with it definitely has not. Pooping on a modern sitting toilet is a big part of where hemorrhoids come from, and it can also cause diverticular disease, an age-related condition that pretty much only occurs in parts of the world where sitting toilets are used, and which can lead to a range of pleasantries up to and including colonic obstruction. And things aren't getting better: The last few decades have seen a rise in popularity of "comfort height" toilets that sit two to four inches higher off the ground than older models and that make our pooping predicament even worse.

So how the hell are we meant to do it?

Luckily, there's a relatively simple way to end this poop dilemma. A 2003 study observed 28 people pooping in three positions: sitting on a high toilet, sitting on a lower one and squatting like they were catchers at a baseball game (catcher's mitt optional, but encouraged). After initially being mistaken for a German porn company, the researchers found that pooping took about a minute less when done squatting and that participants rated the experience as "easier" (God, I hope they were getting paid).
In fact, toilets that require you to squat that way have been the standard for most of human history and are still widely used in the non-Western world.

According to proctologists, "We were not meant to sit on toilets, we were meant to squat in the field." When you're in a sitting or standing position, you're forming an angle between the where the poop is and where the poop's gotta come out. There's even a muscle that's purpose is to tighten things up when we're sitting or standing to prevent accidents. Squatting straightens out this angle and removes the chokehold.

If the thought of squatting awkwardly on top of your toilet seat isn't for you, you can produce a similar poop-enhancing angle by resting your feet on a footstool (or anything handy) and leaning the top half of your body forward.

MY MUSICAL MEMORIES

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOOOOO CUTE

MY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY WORKED A TREAT

A BIT OF CHELSEA HUMOUR

Is Sexually Transmitted Gonorrhea Becoming a 'Superbug?'

USA: In 2009, nearly a quarter of strains tested in a nationwide surveillance project of gonorrhea were resistant to penicillin, tetracycline, fluoroquinolones, or a combination of these antibiotics that are typically used to treat the STD. And early data from 2010 indicate resistance to another type of antibiotic, cephalosporin, is emerging. That's concerning because cephalosporins are the only class of antibiotic left that doctors recommend to treat the disease.

If resistance to cephalosporins develops, gonorrhea could develop into a superbug, and have a catastrophic effect on our ability to control the disease in the country, researchers say. A superbug is a strain of bacteria that has become resistant to antibiotics and is very difficult to kill. Other examples of superbugs include methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA ) and some strains of tuberculosis.

More than 301,174 cases of gonorrhea were reported to the CDC in 2009, though the agency estimates more than 700,000 people become infected with the disease each year in the United States. It is the second most common infectious disease that is required to be reported to the U.S. government.

COME ON NANDO

REAL MADRID'S CUP RUNNETH OVER !

Cristiano Ronaldo's extra-time header gave Jose Mourinho his first trophy as Real Madrid coach as his side beat Barcelona 1-0 to win the Copa del Rey, and then Sergio Ramos drops it under the team bus and it gets crushed !



A genuine El Clásico

420

420, 4:20 or 4/20 (pronounced four-twenty) refers to consumption of cannabis and, by extension, a way to identify oneself with cannabis subculture. The notable day for these is April 20.

The term was allegedly coined by a group of teenagers in San Rafael, California in 1971. Calling themselves the Waldos, because "their chosen hang-out spot was a wall outside the school," the group first used the term in connection to a fall 1971 plan to search for an abandoned cannabis crop that they had learned about. The Waldos designated the Louis Pasteur statue on the grounds of San Rafael High School as their meeting place, and 4:20 p.m. as their meeting time. The Waldos referred to this plan with the phrase "4:20 Louis". Multiple failed attempts to find the crop eventually shortened their phrase to simply "4:20", which ultimately evolved into a codeword the teens used to mean pot-smoking in general.

April 20 (4/20 in U.S. date notation) has evolved into a counterculture holiday, where people gather to celebrate and consume cannabis.[1] Some events have a political nature to them, advocating for the decriminalization of non-medical cannabis in the United States.

DID YOU KNOW ..................

There is a persistent myth that that all the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are set to 4:20 (although, certainly all the clocks on the wall in the pawn shop are set to 4:20). However, in at least two scenes it is obvious that this is not the case. In the "Bonnie Situation" while Jimmy, Vince and Jules are drinking coffee in the kitchen, the clock clearly reads 8:15. Secondly, when Vince and Jules go to retrieve the briefcase, it is "7:22 in the a.m.". The significance of the time 4:20 is that it is slang for smoking marijuana.

Liverpool fans query own penalty

Arsenal 1-1 Liverpool: Robin van Persie broke the record for the latest-ever Premier League goal…then Dirk Kuyt broke it again.

As their 1-1 draw against Arsenal helped Manchester United toward their 19th title, the club's lachrymose supporters have asked whether they can play the game again without fielding any defenders.

GERRARD STEVENS

Perspective-lacking Liverpool fundamentalist Gerrard Stevens said: "How about we invoke the age-old law of goalie-wasn't-ready? I'm also willing to sacrifice a couple of family pets."

But he added: "I'd like to think that gifting Arsenal the three points would be enough, but this season has proven that Arsenal grasp opportunity about as well as Almunia grasps things that are spherical."

Gerrard is a third generation historical anomaly, " I often listen when my Grandfather tells of a time when we won the English League and have my fingers crossed that my own Grandchildren will live to see such a sight in their lifetime."

Dirk Kuyt's 342nd-minute penalty sparked a furious touchline row between the two managers over who was angrier about the decision.

Wenger claimed the trucks arriving for the double-glazing conference in the stadium the next day distracted Wojciech Szczesny during the penalty kick, prompting Dalglish to shout: "Piss off, you don't have to live up the road from the miserable, ex-Rangers bastard that I've just given the title to."



Dalglish should escape any FA sanction after studies showed it was impossible for laboratory beagles to listen to more than four seconds of Wenger's whining, self-justifying horseshit without developing the rudimentary language skills to tell him to piss up a rope.

Stevens said: "This is really going to bugger up the official Liverpool DVD of the season, which generally shows United not being awarded throw-ins or losing the coin-toss.

"I'm starting to wonder if crowing over their minor setbacks can still distract us from the fact they're much better than us and have been for a very, very long time."

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN GARETH BALE IN A MONKEY SUIT

THAT REMINDS ME ....................... COMING SOON

ROYAL WEDDING [Friday, April 29]

COMING SOON TO AN ABBEY NEAR YOU

TOM LEHRER - I Got It From Agnes

Little girl joins the Dark Side,and is promptly kicked out of the Jedi Academy

Watch as one brave young Padawan publicly pledges her allegiance to Darth Vader, causing a befuddled Mace Windu to escort her off stage and send her to the "Sith Academy."

While on a family trip to Disneyland, one little girl [Sariah Gallego] was asked to battle Darth Vader on stage — but she turned the tables, realizing the power of the Dark Side!



Sariah Gallego, Prince of Space is disappointed.

GOOD ADVERTISING ?

A funeral home in Consett, County Durham asked Clear Channel to remove an ad for The Walking Dead — Frank Darabont’s critically acclaimed zombie TV series — that was placed on its wall.

“It is disappointing that we were not consulted as this advert could cause unnecessary distress,” a Co-operative Funeralcare spokesman is quoted as saying.

Mortal Kombat: Legacy - Ep. 1

MID MORNING MATTERS WITH ALAN G [Gordon] PARTRIDGE

ABOUT TIME I SAY ..........

Watchmen writer adapting Anne McCaffrey’s Dragonriders of Pern to film

Anne McCaffrey's Dragonriders of Pern book series has garnered generations of fans. Now it's about to be translated for the screen by the screenwriter for Watchmen and X2, David Hayter.

David Hayter, screenwriter of the first two X-Men films, has been tapped by a consortium of production companies headed by Steven Hoban's Copperheart Entertainment to bring "The Dragonriders of Pern," the long running classic science fiction/fantasy franchise to the big screen. Hayter will adapt the first novel in series: "Dragonflight" in which an army of elite warriors ride a telepathically commanded fleet of firebreathing dragons in order to defend the planet of Pern from an insidious menace.

The "Dragonriders of Pern" has long been a favorite of science fiction and fantasy readers since "Dragonflight" was published in 1968. Over the years author Anne McCaffrey has won almost every award imaginable and was the first to crack the New York Times Best Seller List with a science fiction novel: "The White Dragon," also a 'Pern' book, in 1978. LIterary success has not meant a smooth transition to tv or movie screens, with only aborted efforts up until now.

This will no doubt be a hugely expensive movie, since in McCaffrey's world the dragons are different colors, shapes and sizes. Plus they speak through their minds and depend on the humans just as much as the humans depend on them. In the first few books, the dragons are tasked with saving the world of Pern from an airborne attacker in spore form called the Thread. But the McCaffrey books are set after dragon-riding has fallen out of favor.

Is this the first of many more lavish book adaptations to come ? Andrew Stanton's John Carter of Mars will be out in 2012, Game of Thrones premieres this month, and now dragons? Could Hollywood be hitting a fantasy boom soon ?

REASONS TO FEAR THE GOOD OL' USA

 LITTLE MISS PAGENTS [ The cult of beauty ]

Little girls dressed up with false eyelashes, rouged cheeks and Vegas style clothes .... creepy ?

Slightly overweight housewives are trying to recapture (gain?) the glamorous life they never had and get rich off the backs of their babies, through this vicarious medium ?

Kids who are pathetic emotional wrecks trying desperately to please increasingly insane adults they are forced to live with and obey ?

' Don't worry Dear, we'll get you breast implants for your 12th birthday and you'll be perfect '

Save me all the “she loves it, and the minute she doesn’t we will stop” nonsense. No kid “wants” to do this. Ever seen the “behind the scenes” drama of these events ?,  it is obviously not true that the kids “love it.”

They whine, they cry, they fight with other kids. They know they are being treated as pampered pets shown off for filthy lucre. End of story. Stop the abuse. Stop showing these things on TV. Stop promoting them in your town. Call protective child services.

TODAYS JOKE

I bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calender for christmas last year, the thing is ........... everytime I opened one of the doors ..... a voice told me to f*ck off !!



I'll get me sleigh

DID YOU KNOW ................

'No tactical role', is an anagram of Carlo Ancelotti

The President's Speech

NATURE

Pakistan’s Flood Lands Overrun by Thousands of Spiders

A few weeks after water from the devastating floods in Pakistan began to recede, photographer Russell Watkins traveled to the Sindh province to document humanitarian relief work funded by the UK’s Department for International Development. As he photographed the return home of the 10,000 people who had been displaced across an area the size of Lousiana, Watkins heard about an amazing phenomenon. In the absence of people, spiders had taken up residence in the trees to escape the floodwaters, creating a bizarre and dramatic scene. On visiting the area Watkins found that every single piece vegetation was covered with arachnids. “No one,” says Watkins who has traveled the world photographing relief work, “had ever witnessed anything like this before.” The rainy season dispatched most of the webs, but not before many of the trees, suffocated by the cocoons, had been killed. But there was one benefit. The risk of malaria was much reduced. Presumably most of the disease-carrying mosquitoes had been by caught amongst the spiders’ webs.

CHP arrests man named Eric Estrada

The California Highway Patrol arrested a man named Eric Estrada for drunken driving through Lemon Grove on Thursday.

No, this Eric Estrada, whose middle name is Michael, is a 29-year-old Brawley resident and is not related to his famous namesake.

The Eric Estrada arrested Thursday briefly landed in a San Diego County jail on charges of drunken driving and having a blood-alcohol level over .08, according to jail records. CHP spokesman Brian Penning said the Estrada in question was arrested during a traffic stop on eastbound Highway 94 at Lemon Grove Avenue.

Website dedicates itself to drought

It's the £50million question everyone at Stamford Bridge is wanting to know - Has Fernando Torres scored yet ? No is the answer but the most simplest of websites had dedicated itself to providing the latest updated information once it comes to hand.


Torres wears the number nine shirt for Chelsea, has played nine games but still the goals haven't flowed for the Spaniard.

Once considered one of the greatest scoring threats in world football, Torres is now considered one the great 'unluckys' to grace the Premier League.

The 27-year-old's time in blue was summed up perfectly in last night's Champions League loss to Manchester United when he had a header tipped around the post by Edwin Van Der Sar and hit the upright only to see the ball rebound back out into play.

But Chelsea fans can rest easy for when Torres eventually scores www.hastorresscoredforchelsea.com will be on hand to provide the definitive answer.
Currently the crisp white website reads in bold No, but hopefully as soon as he hits the back of the net it will read, Yes.

Click here to find out now - > www.hastorresscoredforchelsea.com

Footballers uncouth - 'SHOCK REPORT'

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.


Examination of the television footage of recent matches has shown some of the leading players using words like 'poo', 'knob', 'heck' and 'panties'.

Roy Hobbs [29], an interior decorator and lifelong subscriber to a front row seat at The West Ham, said: "I had recently witnessed a young fellow called Rooney - of the Lancashire Rooneys, I believe - complete a trio of goalifications against our young gentlemen.

"I happened to comment, as he celebrated in front of me, that it was an excellent performance for a man of his frame.

"He immediately told me to go to heck or he would poo in my panties. I fainted dead away."

Martin Bishop [26], a local flower seller and a supporter of The Chelsea, added: "I recently watched my team play The Liverpool. It had been a lovely match until young Mr Gerrard failed in his attempt to gain a penalty when he tripped over his own bootlaces in the The Chelsea's box, then shook his fist and said 'knob'. Luckily. his pal Mr Carragher told him to calm down, calm down and so the incident didn't escalate into an all out riot.

"I've never seen so many people drop their ice creams."

He added: "I blame the schools. I remember the days when Asa Hartford would go in hard on Trevor Francis and Trevor might say, 'excuse me Asa, that was jolly sore' or 'crikey, you've had your porridge'."


Footballologoist and Pugilist, Wayne Hayes [42], said: "It is indeed a shame that the sort of fine, decent Britons who like nothing better than to sit in a public house watching Sky Sports shortly after midday with their numerous children weaving between the alcohol-covered tables like shaven-headed sharks, have to have their ears assailed by such filth.

"I too blame the schools. Panties indeed."

LOL

When Harry Met Sally 2 with Billy Crystal & Helen Mirren from Billy Crystal

HISTORY REPEATING

It only takes one movies success to start a trend. In December, True Grit made over $240 million, and kicked off what appears to be the rebirth of the western, which is the only explanation for two Wyatt Earp movies to be in development since Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner went head-to-head in the early 90s.

THR reports that Warner Bros. has picked up a spec script called Wild Guns, a project described as having "shades of Tombstone and Sherlock Holmes." The project, which centers on the legendary Earp as well as Doc Holliday, is the second to be set up with the characters to in the last month, The First Ride of Wyatt Earp having been announced last month. In the story, written by T.S. Nowlin for Gianni Nunnari, Earp and Holliday are hired to rescue the daughter of Sitting Bull after she is kidnapped by a powerful Shaman who is believed to have mysterious powers and is terrorizing the Western plains.

As mentioned in the first paragraph, the last time this happened both Tombstone and Wyatt Earp were in development, and while the former got the early release date at earned $56 million at the domestic box office, the latter, which really isn't as good a film and was released the next year, only made $25. Something tells me we are about to see history repeat itself.

THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOU WANTED

YOUR VERY OWN LOCKHEED SR-71 BLACKBIRD

FEEL GOOD STORY

When Tracy Forrest overheard her 10-year-old son Cliff on the phone trying to explain to someone that he wanted to give William Perry his Super Bowl XX ring back, she could tell Cliff was having a hard time being believed



After all, what 10-year-old would give away something like a Super Bowl ring for nothing?

So Tracy got on the phone and lent an adult voice to her child's gesture of goodwill and generosity. That gesture culminated in Chicago on Saturday when Cliff handed the ring to the former Chicago Bears defensive tackle, whose battle against Guillain-Barre syndrome has been well documented.

"My son said he knew he had problems," Tracy said Monday. "I myself have MS, and my son Googled and saw Perry also had an autoimmune disease.

"He said Perry lost the ring through hard times, and that he only had one ring. He said, 'I want him to have the ring back.' That's pretty special for a 10-year-old to want to do that."

DID YOU KNOW ................

The census requires us to truthfully answer personal questions about our lives. As you will hopefully know by now, the CSO have being employing a company called CACI to work on our censuses since 2002. CACI have a sullied name due to their involvement in interrogation in Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and have been accused of torture in 260 cases brought against them so far. They now claim immunity from questioning on these matters, granted to them by the US government, as they are considered part of the military chain of command.

>>>>> http://www.petitiononline.com/Census11/petition.html

People’s reactions to scare tactic are priceless

WARNING: If you don’t like screaming and an occasional kid crying, this video is NOT for you. For everyone else, you’re welcome.

HOW BIG WAS THE TSUNAMI ?

IS BILL ODDIE DEAD ALAN ?

THEY'RE BACK

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO DIDN'T KNOW THIS ?

HBO - APRIL 17 - GAME OF THRONES

This is big, this is epic ...... 4 civilizations fighting for one throne.
There are knights, dragons, warriors and a touch of the supernatural .... filmed in Northern Ireland and Malta simultaneously .... we meet peoples who inhabit worlds of snow and ice and forest and desert.
Love, betrayal, greed and murder ........ it's about a power struggle set in the fantasy kingdom of Westeros.

EDDARD STARK [SEAN BEAN] SITTING ON THE IRON THRONE

A Song of Ice and Fire is a series of epic fantasy novels by American novelist and screenwriter George R. R. Martin. Martin began writing the series in 1991 and the first volume was published in 1996. Originally planned as a trilogy, the series now consists of four published volumes with three more planned. There are also three prequel novellas available, with several more planned, and a series of novellas consisting of excerpts of the main novels. One of these excerpt novellas has won a Hugo Award. The series has been translated into more than twenty languages and the fourth volume reached the top of The New York Times bestseller lists upon its release. Overall, the series has more than 4.5 million copies in print in the USA and sold more than 7 million worldwide.

Game of Thrones Exclusive Preview

The story of A Song of Ice and Fire takes place in a fictional world, primarily upon a continent called Westeros but also on a large landmass to the east, known as Essos. Most of the characters are human but as the series progresses other races are introduced, such as the cold and menacing Others from the far North and fire-breathing dragons from the East, both races thought to be extinct by the people of the story. There are three principal storylines in the series: the chronicling of a dynastic civil war for control of Westeros between several competing families; the rising threat of the Others who dwell beyond an immense wall of ice that forms Westeros' northern border; and the ambition of Daenerys Targaryen, the exiled daughter of a king who was murdered in another civil war fifteen years previously, to return to Westeros and claim her rightful throne. As the series progresses, all three storylines become increasingly interwoven and dependent on each other.

The first series will consist of 10 episodes.

HOUSE STARK

The Stark family traces its lineage back to the First Men, who landed in Westeros more than 10,000 years ago and eventually forged a lasting peace with the continent’s druidic natives, the Children of the Forest. The Starks still worship the Old Gods of their forbears at the heart tree in Winterfell, one of the last vestiges of their faith on Westeros. The Starks ruled as kings in the north (beginning with Bran the Builder, who erected the Wall) until the Targaryen conquest.

Their Words: “Winter Is Coming”



HOUSE BARATHEON

The House of Baratheon was founded after the conquest of Aegon Targaryen, by the conqueror’s general (and rumored bastard brother) Orys Baratheon. The blood of the Storm Kings – a line of royals dating back to the Age of Heroes – has run through the Baratheon line ever since Orys killed the final Storm King, Argilac the Arrogant, and took his daughter as a wife. Recently, following Robert’s Rebellion, the Baratheons seized the Iron Throne from the Mad King Aerys Targaryen and have ruled the Seven Kingdoms since.

Their Words: “Ours Is the Fury”


HOUSE LANNISTER

The Lannisters descend in part from a group of Andal adventurers who invaded Westeros more than 6,000 years ago and settled at Casterly Rock. The Andals married the daughters of the King of the Rock (an ancestor of Lann the Clever, the legendary trickster who acquired the Rock through his wiles during the Age of Heroes). The Lannisters ruled as kings in their realm until the Targaryens brought dragons to conquer the continent, placing all the lords of Westeros under control of the Iron Throne.

Their Words: “Hear Me Roar”



HOUSE TARGARYEN

The Targaryens came to Westeros from the ancient civilization of Valyria, bringing dragons from the eastern continent and settling on the island of Dragonstone in the Narrow Sea. After an unknown disaster known as the Doom of Valyria wiped out their ancestral homeland and killed most of the world’s dragons, the Targaryens invaded the mainland of Westeros. Aegon the Conqueror ruled from King’s Landing, where his family lived on for generations, marrying brother to sister to preserve “the blood of the dragon.”

Their Words: “Fire and Blood”




HOUSE ARRYN

Located in the Vale, the Arryns serve as wardens of the East. The Arryns’ ancestry lies in the first Andals to arrive in Westeros. According to lore, the knight Ser Artys Arryn took the Vale from the First Men, fighting from the back of a giant falcon.

Lord Jon Arryn (225 AL - 297 AL) was Lord of the Eyrie, Defender of the Vale and Warden of the East. He served as Hand of the King to Robert Baratheon from 283 AL until his death in 297 AL.

Their Words: “As High As Honor”

FIRST THERE WAS SHARKTOPUS .... NOW THERE'S

THE MILLENNIUM BUG



B-MOVIES ARE BACK FOLKS

Rooney hit by FA charge

Manchester United's potty mouthed star Wayne Rooney is facing a two-match ban after being charged by the FA for swearing in the win at West Ham.

Rooney swore into a television camera after his third goal in the 4-2 win over the Hammers at Upton Park on Saturday.

The England international later issued an apology for his offensive remarks into the camera.

However, The FA have decided to act with Rooney being charged using offensive, insulting and/or abusive language.

The charge holds a two-game suspension and Rooney has until 6pm on Tuesday to respond to the charge.

If Rooney decides to accept the ban it means he will miss this weekend's home clash with Fulham as well as the FA Cup semi-final against local rivals Manchester City.

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Mohamed Al Fayed attacks fans for criticising Michael Jackson statue

Mohamed Al Fayed has told Fulham fans they can "go to hell" if they do not appreciate the new Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage.

The Fulham chairman, a close friend of the late singer, has caused controversy after announcing he had decided to place the tribute to Jackson outside the west London club's ground. The statue was commissioned following Jackson's death in June 2009 and was due to be erected at Harrods before Al Fayed sold the Knightsbridge store.

Jackson's links to Fulham are tenuous to say the least – he watched a game there as a guest of Al Fayed in 1999 – while the singer was also dogged by controversy during his lifetime. Despite this, the Fulham chairman has denied claims that the memorial is bizarre and hit back at fans who have spoken against it.

"Why is it bizarre?," he said after the unveiling. "Football fans love it. If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift they can go to hell.

"I don't want them to be fans. If they don't understand and don't believe in things I believe in they can go to Chelsea, they can go to anywhere else. People will queue to come and visit it from all over the UK and it is something that I and everybody else should be proud of."

WINNING ?

Overwhelmingly negative responses are emerging from the first-ever live show from former Two and a Half Men star, Charlie Sheen, which happened on Saturday at Detroit's Fox Theater.

The twenty-date "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour - with the sub-heading of "Defeat is Not An Option" - had sold out many of its dates well in advance, without any specific information of what the show would actually entail.

As it turned out, it was a pastiche of the kind of eccentric behaviour well-documented within the media this year, as well as a series of seemingly unrelated video clips - amongst them violent imagery from Apocalypse Now, Die Hard and Platoon, which Sheen himself starred in.

Sheen burned a shirt similar to the ones worn by his character in Two and a Half Men, stood on a podium with the words "Warlock States of Sheen" and mumbled his way through several rants in relation to his current situation.

It was around an hour into proceedings that mass walkouts ensued, with the crowd booing Sheen's disjointed and confusing show.

Sheen, 45, responded to the heckling and abuse with taunting such as "I've already got your money, dude!" and insulting the Detroit area.

It is unclear as to whether the remainder of the "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour will go ahead.

ESCOLAR - WHITE TUNA

The escolar, Lepidocybium flavobrunneum, is a species of fish in the family Gempylidae. It is found in deep (200–885 m) tropical and temperate waters around the world. It is also known as Snake Mackerel, and sometimes marketed as "butterfish" or "white tuna", a controversial practice due to potential health problems related with consumption of the fish.

Escolar is consumed in several European and Asian countries, as well as in the USA, sometimes raw as sushi or sashimi. It may be sold as "white tuna" - a term also used for the albacore - or as "super white tuna" to distinguish it from the albacore. Escolar is also sold misleadingly as "butterfish", "oilfish" and "Hawaiian butter fish"; in Fiji, it is known as Walu. Like oilfish, a related species with similar consumption consequences, escolar is also sometimes deceptively sold under the name of an entirely different species of fish, most commonly "codfish", "orange roughy" or "sea bass".

In 2009, as part of a project to create a DNA database of every fish species, scientists from Columbia University and the American Museum of Natural History tested tuna samples from sushi restaurants in New York City and Denver, Colorado. They discovered that five out of nine restaurants serving fish labeled “white tuna,” “white tuna (albacore)” or “super white tuna” were actually serving escolar.

Because of the possible effects of consumption, escolar has been banned from consumption in Japan since 1977, as the Japanese government considers it toxic. It has also been banned in Italy.

A Nova Southeastern University genetics class this semester tested fish advertised as white tuna from 10 sushi restaurants in Broward, Miami Dade and Palm Beach counties. The results showed eight were improperly labeled, said Professor Mahmood Shivji. A similar study last fall involving 10 restaurants in South Florida and Orlando, showed all 10 served escolar that was sold as white tuna.

A 2009 study, conducted by Columbia University and the American Museum of Natural History, found that 19 of 31 restaurants visited in New York and Colorado either misrepresented or were unable to clarify which species of fish they sold. Five out of nine samples sold as a variant of "white tuna" were actually escolar.

PATIENTS REQUIRED

"A former NHS director died after waiting for nine months for an operation--at her own hospital"

Margaret Hutchon, a former mayor, had been waiting since last June for a follow-up stomach operation at Broomfield Hospital in Chelmsford, Essex.

But her appointments to go under the knife were cancelled four times and she barely regained consciousness after finally having surgery.

Her devastated husband, Jim, is now demanding answers from Mid Essex Hospital Services NHS Trust--the organisation where his wife had served as a non-executive member of the board of directors.

He said: "I don't really know why she died. I did not get a reason from the hospital. We all want to know for closure. She got weaker and weaker as she waited and operations were put off."

Winning

Lionel Messi Scores Two Goals With One Shot

Before Argentina’s friendly against the USA on Tuesday evening, L’il Lionel Messi somehow pulls off the impressive feat of notching a brace of goals despite only launching one shot goalwards – thus explaining how he keeps managing to rake in a 75-goal haul every season in the process…

Jose Mourinho's first league home loss in 9 years

Miguel de las Cuevas scored in the 79th minute to give Sporting Gijon a stunning 1-0 win over Real Madrid on Saturday and deal coach Jose Mourinho his first home loss in league play in nine years.

He last experienced a league defeat in front of his own fans when Porto lost to Beira Mar on Feb. 23, 2002. He went on to coach Chelsea and Inter Milan before joining Real at the end of last season.

The loss also spoiled Real’s perfect home record in La Liga this season. They had won all 14 of their previous matches at the Bernabeu.

De Las Cuevas broke free on the edge of the area and fired in a right footed shot off the post for the winner.

The absence of Cristiano Ronaldo, Karim Benzema and Xabi Alonso showed as Madrid struggled to create chances.

Madrid striker Gonzalo Higuain returned to the pitch for the first time since last November as a second-half substitute but could not spark his team's attack.

DID YOU KNOW ................

IF YOU RUN FOR 30 MINUTES AND THEN DRINK A CAN OF COKE, YOU WILL HAVE  LOST NO CALORIES AT ALL

A 330 ml can of Diet Coke contains around 1.3 Calories (5 kilojoules) compared to 142 Calories (595 kJ) for a regular can of Coca-Cola. But that doesn't mean that Diet Coke is healthier.

For one thing, the sweetener in Diet Coke is Aspartame, and has been under controversy for some time as to whether the FDA should ever have approved it.

From Wikipedia: "Some studies have also recommended further investigation into connections between aspartame and diseases such as brain tumors, brain lesions, and lymphoma. These findings, combined with notable conflicts of interest in the approval process, have engendered vocal activism regarding the possible risks of aspartame."

Aspartame is NOT a natural substance!
Aspartame was originally BANNED by the FDA
Aspartame is NOT a diet product!
Aspartame can actually make you GAIN weight.
Aspartame is NOT safe – for ANYONE!
Aspartame is NOT a food additive
Aspartame is an UNREGULATED and UNSAFE DRUG!
In liquids aspartame turns to FORMALDEHYDE above freezing!
Aspartame is even worse for diabetics!
Aspartame poisoning is cumulative (it adds up!)


But health risks of Aspartame aside, the illusion that it provides a healthy alternative for dieters is a false one. Diet Coke produces a sharp spike in insulin, which blocks the breakdown of fat. The fact of the matter is that if your goal is fat loss, sweet products of any sort will block your path, regardless of their associated calories. Secondly, aspartame interferes with the bodies feelings of satiety by disrupting the chemical processes that use the mouth to calculate how much you've consumed. Basically, Diet Coke makes you keep eating longer than you would have without it.

Click her to learn more about Aspartame -> http://www.dorway.com/

LIKE LEGO ? ................. LIKE STAR WARS ?

Webcam lets you watch massive Lego Star Wars exhibit being assembled

The biggest ever collection of Star Wars Lego sculptures — including the biggest Lego Millennium Falcon ever — is being assembled at Legoland California. And you can watch it all happening, via a webcam.

Click here -> http://california.legoland.com/about_us/Press/star-wars-miniland-webcam/

How Mass BitTorrent Lawsuits Turn Low-Budget Movies Into Big Bucks

On March 7, Camelot Distribution Group, an obscure film company in Los Angeles, unveiled its latest and potentially most profitable release: a federal lawsuit against BitTorrent users who allegedly downloaded the company’s 2010 B-movie revenge flick Nude Nuns With Big Guns between January and March of this year. The single lawsuit targets 5,865 downloaders, making it theoretically worth as much as $879,750,000 — more money than the U.S. box-office gross for Avatar.

At the moment, the targets of the litigation are unknown, even to Camelot. The mass lawsuit lists the  internet IP addresses of the downloaders (.pdf), and asks a federal judge to order ISPs around the country to dig into their records for each customer’s name.

It’s the first step in a process that could lead to each defendant getting a personalized letter in the mail from Camelot’s attorneys suggesting they settle the case, lest they wind up named in a public lawsuit as having downloaded Nude Nuns With Big Guns.

A hearing on that request is set for April 13. In all probability none of the alleged downloaders know it’s happening.

Welcome to the future of Hollywood, or at least the less glittery outskirts of Tinsel Town that produce art films, exploitation flicks and porn. Over the past year, small-budget film producers have nearly perfected a slick, courtroom-based business strategy that’s targeted more than 130,000 suspected movie downloaders.

The types of films include the Oscar-winning Hurt Locker, the less-critically acclaimed Nude Nuns, and dozens of adult movies.

In contrast to the the RIAA’s much-criticized and now-abandoned war against music pirates — which targeted 20,000 downloaders in six years — the movie lawsuits appear to have been designed from the start as for-profit endeavor, not a as a deterrent to piracy.

They differ from the music litigation campaign in another significant way, as well. Civil defendants are normally sued in the courthouse nearest to where they committed the alleged wrongdoing — in this instance on computers in their homes or work. It’s a bread-and-butter legal precept meant to prevent people who live in California from having to answer to lawsuits in Texas, for example.

Following that standard — more or less — the RIAA generally targeted dozens or so defendants in each suit, not thousands, and filed each case in the jurisdiction of the users’ ISP. The RIAA lost millions of dollars with this strategy, which required them to pay individual $350 filing fees for each case, and sometimes engage local counsel.

The movie studios, in contrast, often are suing thousands of people at once, in a total of just about three dozen lawsuits (.xls) often filed in the plaintiff’s lawyer’s backyard and far from the defendants’ homes.

This strategy was pioneered last year by the U.S. Copyright Group, a coalition of indy film producers formed explicitly to make money by suing downloaders. It’s now being mimicked by individual production companies.

The Nuns lawsuit, “Camelot Distribution Group Inc, v. Does 1 through 5865″, is the most recent. A February 2 lawsuit filed in Illinois, “Openmind Solutions, Inc. v. Does 1-2925,” (.pdf) is targeting alleged downloaders over adult titles like Throated, 1000 Facials Britney Beth and Stuffed Petite.

Portugal 'sells' Ronaldo to Spain in €160m deal on national debt.

Weighed down by debt, and reeling from the latest downgrading of their country's credit status, Portugal's finance ministry has secured the co-operation of football's highest-paid player in an audacious bid to draw the nation back from the brink of economic collapse.

In a move which some observers claimed "will lead to the destruction of the World Cup", Cristiano Ronaldo has agreed to "act like a patriot" and be sold to neighbouring Spain for €160m.

Last week, Prime Minister José Sócrates resigned after his government's latest austerity package was rejected by parliament. His move followed the downgrading of his country's credit rating to the category above "junk". While Ronaldo's fee, though double the current record (paid by Real Madrid to Manchester United for Ronaldo's club affiliation in 2009) barely dents the €12bn Portugal owes, Mr Socrates, now caretaker premier, believes that the international bond markets will take it as a symbol of Portugal's determination to tackle the crisis, and respond accordingly.

Although no footballer has ever previously been "transferred" between countries, there is extensive precedent for changing nationality, especially in Spain. Two of the greats, Alfredo di Stéfano and Ferenc Puskás, played for the Spanish national team after representing other countries and then taking Spanish citizenship. Di Stéfano – who is still involved at Real Madrid and is thought to have influenced Ronaldo's decision – had played for Argentina and Colombia. Puskás even played in the 1954 World Cup final for Hungary but went into exile after the crushing of the 1956 revolution. As recently as Spain's 2008 European Championship triumph, Marcos Senna, Brazilian by birth and parentage, was a key player.

Senna, however, had not played for Brazil. Since Puskás' day, Fifa, the world governing body, has tightened its rules. Once a player has played a competitive international for one country – at any age group – he cannot switch allegiance unless he had dual nationality at the time, and was educated in the second country. Mikael Arteta, Everton's Spanish midfielder, abandoned an attempt to play for England because he had played competitively for Spain under-21s. But Fifa's secretive executive committee is expected to meet today, in extraordinary session, to adapt its statutes to permit such moves in circumstances where both governments agree.

"It's insane," said a spokesman for the Bruges-based Keep Football Pure organisation. "Those idiot administrators have not thought it through, as usual. There's now nothing to stop Qatar buying a World XI. It'll destroy the World Cup, it will turn it into another Champions League – only worse."

Opinion is divided in Portugal. While many see Ronaldo's agreement to the move as the "ultimate patriotic gesture" others regard the transfer as a "surrender". Paolo Fril, professor of political economics at Lisbon University, told The Independent: "We were ruled by a Spanish king for 60 years [1580-1640] and had to go to war to win back our independence. This is not about Spain saving us –they are restoring the Iberian Union by the back door."

There are doubts in Spain, too. The issue is not naturalising Ronaldo, but whether he is needed. Spain are the current world and European champions, with a style of play that relies more on passing than the soloist skills for which Ronaldo is known. "If we are going to buy foreigners we should buy Lionel Messi [Barcelona's Argentinian star]," said one fan.

But if Ronaldo is unappreciated in Spain, his skills may be in demand elsewhere. Late last night, reports suggested that David Cameron was preparing a counter-offer, of £200m, to persuade Ronaldo to play for England. "The Premier League is where Ronaldo became a star," said the Prime Minister, "so it is only right and proper he should play for England." He added that Vince Cable had proposed a "Ferrari tax" to pay for it, though Ronaldo himself would be given exemption.

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Torres to enact ancient Spanish ceremony today to end Chelsea goal 'curse'


Fernando Torres is resorting to desperate measures in order to break his Chelsea duck - and he wants Blues fans to help him achieve his goal.

The Spanish hitman has fired blanks in each of the six games he's appeared in since Chelsea paid Liverpool a record-breaking £50m for his services back in January.

And with the once-prolific forward's form and character now being called into question, Torres is turning to the traditions of his homeland in order to solve the crisis.

At precisely one minute to midday today, he will carry out an ancient Iberian curse-breaking rite called the 'Dia de los Inocentes' at Stamford Bridge.

The procedure will start off with Torres leading a goat - taken from a herd in his hometown of Fuenlabrada and flown to the UK specially earlier this week - around the pitch.

The well-fed animal will then be encouraged to defecate in each of the goal-mouths so as to ward off any malicious spirits that might be blocking Torres' shots.

After a brief visit to the Chelsea trophy room for luck, Torres will then 'run' the goat through the Chelsea Village complex before closing the ceremony by ritually launching the animal from the roof of St Mary's Roman Catholic Church in Cadogan Street, SW3.

As per Spanish tradition, the 'Dia de los Inocentes' may only be performed on the first day of the fourth month of the year.

It also demands that at least 12 people take part in the 'running of the goat', which is why Torres has appealed to Chelsea's fan-base for help.

The first dozen to turn up at Stamford Bridge on Friday April 1 before midday will not only be able to take part in this historic event, but will also be able to take home choice cuts of goat meat afterwards.

A spokesman for the striker said that Torres was confident the goals will start flowing following the ceremony:

"He first performed it in 2001, shortly before his Atletico Madrid career took off, and he's hoping for similarly spectacular results this time round," he said.


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Prem clubs set for battle over FEMALE Brazil star


A host of top Premier League clubs are ready to battle each other - and FIFA - in a bid to sign top WOMAN Brazilian footballer Marta Vieira da Silva.

MirrorFootball can reveal that Liverpool, Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea are locked in a six-way fight with Spanish giants Real Madrid and Barcelona for the 25-year-old, who is a five-time winner of the FIFA Player of the Year award and is known as "Pele in a skirt" in Brazil.

But whichever club wins the race will then have to persuade FIFA to allow her to compete in men's competition, in what would be an astonishing first for top flight professional football.

Scouts from a raft of clubs have been watching Marta, 25, play in the Women's Professional Soccer (WPS) league in the USA and are convinced that not only could she cut it in the men's game in England, but that she could be a top star.

An insider from one of the clubs chasing her said: "She is a really exciting player with some typically-Brazilian tricks and flicks - but above all she's a goalscorer and we think she could make a big impact once she gets used to the pace and physicality of the Premier League."

Marta moved to Western New York Flash earlier this year but Albertin Montoya, her coach at previous club FC Gold Pride, is full of praise for his former charge.

“Not only is she the most talented player in the world, she’s the hardest worker,” he said. “I’ve never seen a competitor like her. She’s so creative with the ball, and that’s what draws attention, but underneath that talent, she simply has the will to be the best.”

Marta herself, who has scored 56 goals in just 55 games for Brazil and was the first ever winner of the women's Ballon d'Or, said she doesn't think she would have a problem cutting it in the men's game.

She said: "I play all the time with my male friends who are also professionals. We have the ability, we have the technique, we have the tactics.

"A lot of people say my style is patterned after Ronaldinho's," she added.

But FIFA are blocking any move and insisting the gender-separation principle in football must be maintained.

The rule was tested in 2004 when Mexican club Celaya tried to sign female player Maribel Dominguez.

FIFA's executive committee banned the move, insisting "there must be a clear separation between men's and women's football".

But representatives from the club's chasing Marta are lobbying FIFA in a bid to get them to reverse their position.

The insider said: "Our stance is, if she's good enough, why not let her play?"

In 2003, Italian team Perugia tried to sign German World Cup winner Birgit Prinz, which would have made her the first female player in Serie A, but once again they were thwarted by the governing body.

If any of the Premier League clubs are successful in signing da Silva then they have to register her by midday on April 1, 2011.

A new way to communicate

The mouse and keyboard were invented before the Internet even existed. Since then, countless technological advancements have allowed for much more efficient human computer interaction. Why then do we continue to use outdated technology? Introducing Gmail Motion -- now you can control Gmail with your body.



Safety precautions

Using Gmail Motion is not only safe but also healthy and fun. As with any physical activity, certain precautions are recommended. First, make sure to clear the area around you. Second, try to take short breaks every 30-40 minutes, just as you would if you were typing. And finally, take time to stretch after each session to give the muscles you'll be using some relief.

HOW TWEET IS THIS ?

Ryanair to Offer Child-Free Flights. Real or April Fools Marketing Genius?

Yesterday Ryanair “officially” announced that they will start offering child-free flights starting in October. Is this real or another free-publicity tactic by Ryanair? Well, the catch is that Ryanair might be crazy enough to do this. However, the fact that it is April Fools day tomorrow, makes me suspect this might all be a ruse. Also take into account that they have a history of pulling April Fools jokes in the past, from providing moon flights, offering first class seating and selling porn on board, Ryanair has been a fun little jokster.

RYANAIR TO INTRODUCE ‘CHILD FREE’ FLIGHTS

Ryanair, the world’s favourite airlines, today announced that it will introduce ‘Child Free’ flights from October (winter schedule) after a Europe-wide survey of 1,000 passengers showed that half would pay higher fares to avoid other people’s children. The survey showed that a third of passengers (36%) have had flights ‘ruined’ by other people’s noisy kids with one in five passengers (18%) urging Ryanair to restrict the number of children on flights.

While the survey found that passengers would prefer to avoid other people’s children, it placed ‘blame’ firmly with parents with top gripes being:

50% Parents who expect ‘special treatment’ because they have children.
25% Parents who allow children to annoy those in seats behind.
15% Parents who board late and expect others to accommodate them.
10% Parents who allow children to run in the aisles or kick seats.
Ryanair’s Stephen McNamara said:

“When it comes to children we all love our own but would clearly prefer to avoid other people’s little monsters when travelling. While half our passengers would like us to divide our cabins up into ‘adult’ and ‘family’ areas it is not operationally possible due to our free seating policy, with optional priority boarding. However, with clear demand for ‘child free’ flights Ryanair will introduce child free flights on high frequency routes from the start of our winter schedule in October.”

A BEAUTY FROM THE PAST

2000 - Google released its "MentalPlex" search technology that supposedly read the user's mind to determine what the user wanted to search for, thus eliminating the step of actually typing in the search query.

ANYONE BELIEVE THIS ONE ?

Fergie’s amazing ref peace pact


ALEX FERGUSON has agreed to become the Life President of the Referees' Association.
In a shock move, the Manchester United boss accepted the role in an effort to end his long-running feud with officials.

I RESPECT YOU JIMMY !

Under the terms of his appointment, he must promise to serve as an ambassador for all referees and their assistants - and try not to criticise their performances after matches.

That may be difficult for Fergie, who has had numerous run-ins with officials during his management career.

He is still serving the five-match touchline ban he received, along with a £30,000 fine, from the FA for slating ref Martin Atkinson after United's recent defeat at Chelsea.

But a senior member of the RA said: "Sir Alex does appreciate the work we do, even though we sometimes do get it wrong. It's an olive branch on both sides. Having spoken to Sir Alex, we know he is determined to change his ways and we believe this appointment is a step along the road to doing so.

"He told us he is getting fed up of having to travel down to London to attend disciplinary hearings and says the money he pays out in fines could be better spent on wine."

In yesterday's Sun, Ferguson was complaining about referees again. But a United insider explained: "Those comments were before he had agreed to take on the Life Presidency of the Referees' Association.

"Sir Alex is a changed man. He has seen the light and now realises what a tough job refs have."

Ferguson has also agreed to give a talk to his fellow Premier League managers, including Arsenal's Arsene Wenger, about respecting referees.

The Referees' Association is a voluntary body, run by refs for refs.

OR THIS ?

Planet of the Apps


A GORILLA prods the new toy which scientists hope will transform the way primates are kept alert and happy in zoos - an iPad.

Animal behaviour experts handed out the gadgets to five apes in an experiment.

The super-smart gorillas quickly learned to turn the screens on and off and seem fascinated by the colours and pictures.

Amazingly not a SINGLE one of the five tablets which download apps has been broken since being given out at Port Lympne wild animal park three weeks ago.

Head keeper Phil Ridges said yesterday: "We thought they would bang them on rocks but they carry them round as if they were babies."

Boffins at the University of Kent, Canterbury, are behind the trial, which is being monitored by Apple.