Footballers uncouth - 'SHOCK REPORT'

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.


Examination of the television footage of recent matches has shown some of the leading players using words like 'poo', 'knob', 'heck' and 'panties'.

Roy Hobbs [29], an interior decorator and lifelong subscriber to a front row seat at The West Ham, said: "I had recently witnessed a young fellow called Rooney - of the Lancashire Rooneys, I believe - complete a trio of goalifications against our young gentlemen.

"I happened to comment, as he celebrated in front of me, that it was an excellent performance for a man of his frame.

"He immediately told me to go to heck or he would poo in my panties. I fainted dead away."

Martin Bishop [26], a local flower seller and a supporter of The Chelsea, added: "I recently watched my team play The Liverpool. It had been a lovely match until young Mr Gerrard failed in his attempt to gain a penalty when he tripped over his own bootlaces in the The Chelsea's box, then shook his fist and said 'knob'. Luckily. his pal Mr Carragher told him to calm down, calm down and so the incident didn't escalate into an all out riot.

"I've never seen so many people drop their ice creams."

He added: "I blame the schools. I remember the days when Asa Hartford would go in hard on Trevor Francis and Trevor might say, 'excuse me Asa, that was jolly sore' or 'crikey, you've had your porridge'."


Footballologoist and Pugilist, Wayne Hayes [42], said: "It is indeed a shame that the sort of fine, decent Britons who like nothing better than to sit in a public house watching Sky Sports shortly after midday with their numerous children weaving between the alcohol-covered tables like shaven-headed sharks, have to have their ears assailed by such filth.

"I too blame the schools. Panties indeed."