PAUL GASCOIGNE was left disappointed last night after his attempts to help the Dutch football team failed to prevent a grim end to their recent reign of intimidation and violence.
Stewards outside Soccer City were shocked to see Gazza arrive at the stadium just before extra time carrying a box of fried chicken, a crate of beer, a fishing rod and a plastic mould of some tits.
The former England midfielder pleaded with FIFA officials to let him speak to the Dutch team, claiming he could bring about a peaceful end to their violent rampage in the final.
“I’ve known the Dutchies for years, man. They’re a lovely bunch of lads,” said Gascoigne. “If I could give them a teamtalk and have a quick fish with Mark van Bommel I could stop all this anger and violence. This isn’t the Holland I know.”
A clearly worse-for-wear Gascoigne said he knew the Dutch team from Italia ’90, adding that it wasn’t too late for them to repent their actions and enjoy a “lovely can of Heineken”.
Sadly for Gascoigne he was only able to watch helplessly as Holland went down in a hail of bookings, with Howard Webb delivering a red card to John Heitinga that brought to justice a team many had previously thought would forever evade the law.
The previously mild-mannered Dutch team had apparently been pushed over the edge weeks ago when they found out that Germany, a team they shared a complicated history with, had a new young rival – Spain.
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