SPANISH PROSTITUTES ORDER NEW FITTED KITCHENS

PROSTITUTES across Spain are ordering a range of home improvements after their earning estimates for next year were revised upwards.

According to the Instituto Español de Skankeros, its members can expect at least a 25% pay increase after Sir Alex Ferguson decided Wayne Rooney is too dirty to play for Manchester United.

A spokesman said: "In these straightened times this will give our members much needed security. They can make plans, invest in their homes and pay down debt.

They have a phrase in spanish, I have done you the courtesy of translating it for you .................... THE WAYNE IN SPAIN HAS PROSSIES ON THE BRAIN 

"It is like I have reached into a mountain stream and found a horribly disfigured golden nugget."

Meanwhile Rooney is expected to take a short break from football in the new year to star in the film version of The Hobbit.

From left .... Prancer, Thorin and Dopey

There are of course fifteen dwarves in The Hobbit, errr .... Bashful .... Sleepy ..... Thorin .... Sneezy .... Balin ..... err ... Doc .... oh, and Fili and Kili, then there's erm ...... Dori .... Scholdsie ... Gloin .... Nasty, Stig, Barry .... Prancer ... Blitzen ... Dopey ..... and of course Tom Cruise. Rooney will play either Thorin the Dwarf or the Lonely Mountain or Dopey alongside Martin Freeman's portrayal of Bilbo Baggins as a sightly bemused trainee accountant from Surrey.

Producer Peter Jackson said: "The plot immediately struck a chord with Wayne, focussing as it does on a stumpy bloke with big feet from a backwards part of the world who is obsessed with gold.

"The only thing Tolkien missed out was the bit where Bilbo gets caught up to his hairy Hobbit sack in ancient Middle Earth fanny."