The player's controversial handler and Countdown conundrum Kia Joorabchian has been blamed for the unrest after poking Tevez with a stick during feeding time and showing him photos of Madrid abattoirs.
City manager Brian Mancini said: "He has the finest straw to line his bed, which needs changing every four hours because he shits like a tiger eating curried goat, and every year we toss in a maiden from the village.
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| Paparazzi shot from Manchester |
"I don't know what more he expects, not least because we're still confused about how many grunts mean he's angry and how many mean he wants fresh water."
Tevez angered many in Manchester by escaping from his United enclosure during a thunderstorm that shorted out his security system and eventually settling in the boiler room in the City Of Manchester stadium, living off rats and chunks of Shaun Goater.
His latest anguished cries for release may see him driven out of the city altogether by torch-wielding locals who have repeatedly warned City's management that by signing the striker they were meddling with forces they did not understand.Meanwhile Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho has employed a gypsy peasant girl to entice Tevez to the Bernabeu before a squad of marksmen sedate him with tranquiliser darts.
Mourinho said: "Capturing Tevez will be our biggest coup since luring Ronaldo with a trail of mirrors and pots of over-priced hair-gel."
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