Juan Mata to celebrate every time ball crosses half way line

After Chelsea’s Juan Mata ‘scored’ a ‘goal’ in the FA Cup semi-final even though it's not clear if the ball had gone over the line, Chelsea have urged him and his team-mates to do the same every time the ball goes over the half way line tonight.

This is the Blues’ best hope of overcoming European champions Barcelona, and they will be praying for a referee with eyesight even worse than Martin Atkinson to give them a fighting chance of beating the Catalans.

Manager Roberto di Matteo said, “We’re on form as far as dodgy decisions go and we are confident we can get at least one more tonight.”

“Mata’s technique in conning the referee on Sunday was world-class and now we expect him to perform against the best side in the world.”

“I tried signing Ashley Young on an emergency loan to help out if we ever get into their penalty area but Sir Alex Ferguson was adamant he needed him to keep diving for United during the title run in.”

“It’s going to be hard, but if the whole team can celebrate fake goals with certainty, we could fool the referee.”

Midfielder Frank Lampard assured journalists during a press conference that the whole squad were ready to try to con the referee at every opportunity.

“We still remember the match here in 2009 so what better way to get revenge than by claiming more phantom goals?”

“In training this week Petr Cech’s been chipping in by celebrating a goal every time he takes a goal kick.”

“Anyone who watched Bayern v Real Madrid last night would have seen 22 men cheating their hearts out and that’s the level of performance we have to reach if we’re going to make it through.”