Friday, June 26, 2009


MICHAEL Jackson, the King of Pop, shocked the world last night by dying in an incredibly ordinary way.

You can finally admit to knowing all the words again His millions of fans were stunned after the singer died of a very normal heart attack instead of electrocuting himself while re-enacting scenes from The Wizard of Oz with a cast of under-age giraffes.

The heart, Jackson's last original body part, was due to perform in London next month where it was expected to pump blood to a pair of new legs, a borrowed arm and the 14th version of the singer's face.

In Los Angeles, as preparations began for the funeral, a spokesman for the Jackson family said: "While we want to respect Michael's wishes we may have to abandon his desire to have the coffin carried by eight chimpanzees. I don't think he really thought that through."

But it is understood Jackson will be buried in his favourite Peter Pan costume in a bid to ensure that his last journey is as weird and freaky as possible.

Uri Geller, Jackson's friend and now acting King of the Freaks, said: "I feel so desperately sorry for all the freaks today. He was their Diana, their Elvis, their Mother Theresa and their Jade Goody all rolled into one. Which is actually what he looked like too. Check out this spoon."

In Hollywood dozens of other stars paid tribute, describing him as a genius, an inspiration and the sort of very close friend you did not need to have your picture taken with.

Later today thousands of fans are expected to gather outside Neverland, the singer's former home and shout 'ee-hee' in unison, while in London, tabloid newspaper editors are bidding over a grainy image, supposedly taken this morning, showing Jackson still very much alive and part of a travelling band of Bulgarian circus folk.

Meanwhile at Madame Tussauds wax museum, security guards are standing by to prevent visitors poking the Michael Jackson statue amid rumours the singer had finally found the perfect hiding place.

On the internet, chat forums were awash with Jackson tributes from people who were convinced he was a pervert and wanted him strung up but who were now desperate to tell the world that he was a victim of the media and that Thriller was a ground-breaking work of genius.

Jen, from Milwaukee, said: "As you said Michael, Billie Jean was not your lover and neither was McAuley Culkin, regardless of what I may or may not have written on my blog four years ago. I hope you find peace in freak heaven."

Pete, from London, wrote: "The way you danced like a zombie changed the way people thought about dancing like a zombie forever. Rest in Pop."

And Sam, from Rio de Janeiro, said: "You were my heart. I love you sing. You make special times but now you in heaven with all the children. Try not feel them up. God can see your hands now."

" The Daily Mash "

Friday, June 19, 2009

Tesco displays Josef Fritzl book in Father's Day display

Shoppers were amazed to see the title detailing the gruesome crimes of the Austrian billed as a suitable present.

In The Crimes of Josef Fritzl, the true depravity of the man who locked up his daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for 24 years and fathered seven children with her - murdering one of them - is detailed.

And amazingly the chain has defended its decision to stock it in the promotion.

One female shopper, who asked to remain anonymous, said: "Am I alone in feeling appalled to see a book entitled The Crimes of Josef Fritzl on display as a suggested gift for Father's Day? "It's hardly an appropriate Father's Day gift, I would have thought."

But Tesco has hit back at the complaints, saying it would smack of censorship to remove certain books because some people found them offensive.

A spokesman said: "It's a book about a true crime and fathers and people in general are interested in things like this, books about the war, serial killers etc.

"It's not a vulgar or grotesque book. It's a serious book about a very serious crime.

"It would be touching on censorship if we removed it. Where would we draw the line? Would you like us to go through every DVD we sell removing those that some may find offensive?

"Tesco are comfortable selling this book. Crime fiction and non-fiction are very popular. This was a high-profile case that occurred in recent times.

"I wouldn't be comfortable buying it as a Father's Day gift, but I wouldn't want to tell other people not to. No-one is being forced to buy it."