Friday, January 29, 2010

GLOBAL TERROR THREAT LEVELS RISE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
Is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

A BIT OF HANKY PANKY

A motorist was fined by police for blowing his nose while at a standstill in traffic.


Michael Mancini, a father of two, said he put the handbrake on before wiping his nose but was asked to pull over by officers who were standing nearby.
He was told he was not in control of his vehicle and was handed a £60 fixed penalty and three points on his licence.
The 39-year-old, who runs a furniture restoration business in Ayr, said: ''The traffic was nose to tail in the high street and the traffic stopped and I thought that was quite a good time. I stopped the van and put the handbrake on. I saw four police officers nearby.
''The traffic moved on and I was waved across by an officer.
''He said I was not in control of the vehicle.''
Mr Mancini went on: ''I was absolutely stunned.
''I said to the officer 'You're joking, you're having a laugh'.
''I've never been in trouble with the police. I was just completely gobsmacked. I honestly thought someone was going to run out with a camera.''
Mr Mancini, who lives in Prestwick, Ayrshire, was fined on October 26 in the High Street in Ayr but has not paid the penalty.
His solicitor, Peter Lockhart, said he had written to the procurator fiscal on January 18 but a letter arrived on January 19 stating that if the fine was not paid the case would go to court.
Mr Lockhart said: ''In the letter I said 'It should have been obvious to the officers what was going on and it beggars belief a ticket was issued'.''
''I also wrote 'We cannot see, given the circumstances of this case, that it is in the public interest'.''
Mr Lockhart said he was waiting to hear if a court date has been set.
''We will be pleading on his (Mr Mancini's) behalf not guilty,'' he added.
A Strathclyde Police spokesman said: ''A 39-year-old man is the subject of a report to the procurator fiscal in connection with an alleged traffic offence on October 26.''

AUDIENCES EXPERIENCE 'AVATAR' BLUES

(CNN) -- James Cameron's completely immersive spectacle "Avatar" may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora.
On the fan forum site "Avatar Forums," a topic thread entitled "Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible," has received more than 1,000 posts from people experiencing depression and fans trying to help them cope. The topic became so popular last month that forum administrator Philippe Baghdassarian had to create a second thread so people could continue to post their confused feelings about the movie.
"I wasn't depressed myself. In fact the movie made me happy ," Baghdassarian said. "But I can understand why it made people depressed. The movie was so beautiful and it showed something we don't have here on Earth. I think people saw we could be living in a completely different world and caused them to be depressed."
A post by a user called Elequin expresses an almost obsessive relationship with the film.
"That's all I have been doing as of late, searching the Internet for more info about 'Avatar.' I guess that helps. It's so hard I can't force myself to think that it's just a movie, and to get over it, that living like the Na'vi will never happen. I think I need a rebound movie," Elequin posted.
A user named Mike wrote on the fan Web site "Naviblue" that he contemplated suicide after seeing the movie.

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "
Other fans have expressed feelings of disgust with the human race and disengagement with reality.
Cameron's movie, which has pulled in more than $1.4 billion in worldwide box office sales and could be on track to be the highest grossing film of all time, is set in the future when the Earth's resources have been pillaged by the human race. A greedy corporation is trying to mine the rare mineral unobtainium from the planet Pandora, which is inhabited by a peace-loving race of 10-foot tall, blue-skinned natives called the Na'vi.
In their race to mine for Pandora's resources, the humans clash with the Na'vi, leading to casualties on both sides. The world of Pandora is reminiscent of a prehistoric fantasyland, filled with dinosaur-like creatures mixed with the kinds of fauna you may find in the deep reaches of the ocean. Compared with life on Earth, Pandora is a beautiful, glowing utopia.
Ivar Hill posts to the "Avatar" forum page under the name Eltu. He wrote about his post-"Avatar" depression after he first saw the film earlier this month.
"When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed ... gray. It was like my whole life, everything I've done and worked for, lost its meaning," Hill wrote on the forum. "It just seems so ... meaningless. I still don't really see any reason to keep ... doing things at all. I live in a dying world."

THE FA CUP (2010) JOKE

Carlo Ancellottil, Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson & Rafael Benitez are in a pub.

Carlo gets up and buys a round, Wenger gets the next, then Ferguson and then Benitez. Carlo gets up and buys himself a pint and sits down, the others ask what the fark is going on.

Carlo replies "this is the fifth round, and you're not in it!"

HOW TO SHAVE 10 SECS OFF YOUR DAILY GROOMING

STRIKING SUICIDE BOMBERS

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
next January from 80 to only 60. The rationale for cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage
of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 80 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities
of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on
orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the
strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be
using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

SAT NAG

"In 100 meters, I'm going to talk to you in that special voice, which should let you know you've upset me in some way that is bound to be your fault," so says the Sat Nag which shows you'll never need to be without your partner again as you struggle to find your way on the road.

Yes, your car journey will never be devoid of the feelings of anger, frustration and near-on divorce. Just pop the Sat Nag on your dash and your marriage will feel right on track even if your way through the traffic isn't. Absolutely no GPS use whatsoever but an incredibly patronising female voice and a bloody good laugh for £7.99.

"I know you're a man, but it's been 35 minutes now, so can you please admit you're lost and ask someone the way," and many more classics.

LOST CHARACTERS EXPLAIN HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH

How To Make a Sandwich on the Island:





Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout “HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?”
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly .





Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger .




Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering “I don’t need no sandwich”
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one’s looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite .




Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone’s knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time .





Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum .








Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like .





Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich “brother”
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly .





Ben
1. Steal someone else’s sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you’ll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like .







Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot .









Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich .







Claire
1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter .










Charlie
1. Make sandwich.
2. Fall in love with sandwich.
3. Spend several months trying not to let anyone else get near sandwich.
4. Right before eating sandwich, drown.







Sun
1. Make sandwich.
2. Don't tell anyone you have a sandwich for a really, really long time.
3. Suddenly explosively reveal that you have a sandwich.
4. Look hot in a bikini.






Michael
1. Make sandwich.
2. Lose custody of sandwich.
3. Spend the rest of your life running through the woods yelling, "SANDWICH! SANDWICH! SANDWICH!!!!!"
4. Become hated by everyone.






Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it’s a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other shit, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts .

ANOTHER SILLY JOKE

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the
salesman will know it was her who vented to the atmosphere.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

SPOT THE 3 DIFFERENCES IN THESE PICS

COPY AND PASTE ( NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART )

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

Thursday, January 21, 2010

MOVIE TRAILER PARODY

A touching story about 4 men stricken with tourette’s who have become lost, until one man comes to give them hope.














VALENTINES DAY

STAR WARS NONSENSE




(PG 13)

TEVEZ REWARDED WITH FOOD AND DRINK

CARLOS Tevez was rewarded for his two goals against Manchester United last night with an entire Targ carcass all to himself washed down with a barrel of Chech'tluth.
The Manchester City striker jumped up and down with excitement as his handlers tossed the still writhing animal into his cage just minutes after he had helped secure a vital Carling Cup semi-final win over his former club.

The Argentinian used his massive teeth and claws to tear chunks from the Targ as Man City coach Roberto Mancini reached through the bars and stroked his blood-soaked head.

Mancini said: "Carlos is a great asset to the club and just wants to play football, when he's not terrifying villagers and dismembering livestock by moonlight."

Meanwhile experts studying last night’s Manchester derby have discovered that conditions on and off the pitch combined to create the 'perfect storm' for a Ferguson enpurplement.

Analyst Tom Logan said: "Everything just at the right time. A hopeless referee and an ex-player scoring two controversial goals just days after the Glazers told him he would have to take in lodgers to help service the club's £500m debt.

"I will be amazed if Roland Emerich does not make a film about this."

In the past 120 years of professional football, only three matches have had the perfect collision of events necessary to make a manager reach maximum levels of testicle-rupturing fury.

The last occasion was in 1961 when 15 Ipswich Town players called in sick on a Saturday morning just hours after the manager’s wife had left him and he dropped his pipe down a drain.


United did win the 2nd leg and went through , Tevez scored a goal in the 2nd leg .

Sunday, January 17, 2010

SARCMARK

Now a US firm has come up with an ingenious solution to this very real problem – a new item of punctuation.
The SarcMark, as it has been named, is designed to be used in the same way as an exclamation or question mark.

Anyone concerned that the irony of their email or text message might not be appreciated by its recipient can use the symbol to close their sentence, thereby avoiding awkward misunderstandings.
The symbol – a dot inside a single spiral line – can be installed onto any PC running Windows 7, XP or Vista, as well as Macs and Blackberry mobile devices.
It can then be used in Word documents, instant messenger conversations, Outlook email and other programmes, just by pressing Ctrl and the full stop button.
The Michigan company behind the SarcMark have applied for a patent to protection their invention.
They have even published a sample list of sentences that would benefit from a SarcMark, including the words of British woman who was awarded only half of her National Lottery jackpot by a court after the winning ticket fell from her pocket and was claimed by someone else.
It appears that the irony of her statement – "It's jolly decent of them to let me have a half share of my win" – was lost on some readers.
Paul Sak of the firm said that the new punctuation mark was not a gimmick and had serious potential applications, such as allowing deaf people to pick up sarcasm in subtitles.
The symbol currently costs $1.99 to download – a price that many may think deserves a SarcMark of its own.

Friday, January 15, 2010

CHEEKY SODS



SPECULATION OVER SOL CAMPBELL'S SEXUALITY SORTED .

OH DEAR , WHAT WILL THAT DO FOR THEIR SELF ESTEEM ?

A floor collapsed beneath a group of about 20 members of Weight Watchers as they gathered to compare how many pounds they had shed over Christmas.

Members of the weight-loss club were lining up to compare readings on the scales when they heard a bang as the floor came away from the walls of their meeting room in Växjö in southern Sweden.

“We suddenly heard a huge thud – we almost thought it was an earthquake and everything flew up in the air. The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls,” one of the those present told the Smålandsposten newspaper.

They abandoned the room as the floor started to give way in other areas.

"We are going to have to find a replacement premises," Therese Levin, a consultant for Weight Watchers told the newspaper.

No one was injured in the incident, the cause of which is being investigated. The scales were not damaged and the weigh-in continued in a nearby corridor.

MY NEW THAI BRIDE ..........


Yea , I know what you're thinking ...... but you're wrong















Thats the tip of the saddle ..... Should'a gone to Specsavers !

Thursday, January 14, 2010

WORDS OF WISDOM

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he'll bore you to death for life.

Friday, January 8, 2010

LOL


Not suitable for homes with children , pets , mentally challenged inhabitants , those who value their toes ...............................

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

SO MUCH FOR GLOBAL WARMING :-)

Met Éireann has issued a severe weather warning and said more snow and freezing temperatures are expected overnight.

Sub-zero temperatures and snow falls today resulted in widespread disruption to road and air traffic.
Gardaí urged anyone who intended to travel to consider alternative arrangements, and motorists were asked only to travel if it was absolutely necessary.
Aer Lingus had to cancel all flights to Heathrow from Dublin, Cork and Belfast. Ryanair also had to cancel some flights.









But on a brighter note the 92 year old widow who lives opposite me is being
sensible about keeping heat in the house. She hasn't drawn her curtains or opened the door to get her milk in for almost a week now .

AND THIS SURPRISES WHO ?

World Cup 2010: Sepp Blatter Awards Lucrative Ticketing Contract To Nephew's Company - Report
The FIFA chief has some explaining to do...

FIFA president Sepp Blatter is being urged to come clean about the award of a lucrative ticketing contract for next summer's World Cup finals to a company part-owned by the firm his nephew runs, according to a report from The Daily Express.

Blatter heads the 24-man executive committee which handed a 380,000-ticket hospitality contract exclusively to MATCH Hospitality in October 2007. The deal is reportedly worth £342 million should all the tickets be sold.

MATCH are partly owned by Infront Sports & Media, a Swiss-based marketing company whose president and CEO is Philippe Blatter.

"The decision to appoint MATCH Hospitality followed a public tender and was made by FIFA as a whole, including the 24 members of the executive committee," FIFA spokeswoman Delia Fischer said, according to The Express.
"The rights were awarded to the highest and best bidder."

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

ANYONE NEED TO SEE A TRICKCYCLIST ?

ALL TOGETHER NOW ........... 1 2 3 4 ...

YOU'LL GO SPARE , YOU'LL GO SPARE
WHEN YOU HEAR ... THIS ADVERT .... ON THE AIR
YOU'LL RIP YOUR HAIR , RIP AND TEAR
YOU'D KICK THE CROTCH ... OF AN ANGRY GRIZZLY BEAR
YOU JUST WONT CARE , IT ISNT FAIR
YOU'D HUNT HIM DOWN AND CORNER HIM IN HIS LAIR
SO BEWARE , DONT GO THERE
TURN IT OFF ... GO ONLINE AND GROW A PAIR


I hate the Go Compare Advert - http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=187039512018