Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon

Maybe I'm weird ..... but I like this movie .


African-American action legend Black Dynamite goes after 'The Man' for killing his brother Jimmy, for pumping heroin into local orphanages and for flooding the ghetto with hopped-up malt liquor.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


MEN are still really trying to find the constantly-naked Lady Gaga attractive, it emerged last night.

In recent weeks, the American singer-attention seeker's ubiquitous breasts and buttocks have been causing increasing tension among British men, many of whom are struggling to understand why they do not find them even remotely arousing.

Man Tom Logan said: "They are perfectly good, female human breasts and buttocks. Normally that combo alone, even if grafted onto a toad's back, would be sufficient to heat my juice.

"Plus in her new video she wanks a marmoset while dressed as a kind of fetish combine harvester, or something.

"And yet... and yet, try as I might, I simply cannot muster any sexual enthusiasm for La Gaga. It's weird, it's not like I'm sophisticated enough to be deterred by her intensely irritating personality or the fact that she has the aspect of a young Pauline Fowler."

He added: "There's just something about her that's subtly revolting, like Ginster's Buffet Bars."

Teacher Norman Steele said: "I'm a bit of a pervert and also a keen amateur oceanologist, so Gaga – a dirty girl who frequently dresses like a crustacean – should be right up my staircase.

"Yet somehow I can't even crack a semi over her, it's most perplexing. Am I on the turn?"

Dr Nikki Hollis, of the Institute for Studies, said: "My guess is it's probably because she looks like the personification of some weird STD from the 23rd century.

"Plus she's got that Peaches Geldof thing where her face looks like it's been painted onto a deflating balloon."

Monday, March 22, 2010


CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the summer of 1980, MIT graduates Donald Faber and Peter Haberle moved into an empty two-car garage and started work building their first ever personal home computer. Almost 30 years later, what began as a humble two-man operation has since grown into an even more humble, even more cramped computer company, based out of an even smaller single-car garage.

"We started out with pretty much nothing," said Peter Haberle who, along with Faber, sat down with reporters on Monday to reminisce about the early days of Xalaga Technologies. "I remember we had this old workbench, which we called our development station. And we got our hands on a few wooden chairs from this dumpster across the street. Donald even had to borrow an air mattress so we'd have somewhere to sleep at night."

Added Haberle, letting out a deep sigh, "That place was a palace compared to today."

According to Faber and Haberle, a lot has changed since Xalaga was first founded. What was once a struggling $7,500-a-year business with only a dozen or so paying customers is now a desperate $6,400-a-year business with only a half dozen or so paying customers.

An ad from the days when Xalaga Technologies was just getting off its feet in far more spacious surroundings.

Indeed, long gone are the dark days of scraping together donations from friends, and applying to banks for loans, as those channels have completely run dry and Faber and Haberle were forced to take on second and third jobs to finance their dream venture nearly a decade ago.

Faber, who turned down a promising position with GE in order to start Xalaga, a decision he now says he regrets each and every waking day, told reporters that he knew almost immediately that his company had something not-at-all special on its hands.

"We sold only one computer that first year, then the following year it was three computers, then suddenly 10 computers, then just as suddenly five computers, then back down to three computers again, and finally only one or two machines every other year for pretty much the next decade," said Faber, standing up from the plastic milk crate that now serves as his desk. "Had someone told us when we first started that we'd be here today, operating out of a much smaller, somehow less expensive garage, we probably would have laughed right in their face."

"Well, nobody's laughing now," Faber added.

Despite their eventual lack of success, and the complete absence of any recognition whatsoever, those early days didn't always go as planned. In 1986, Haberle was left with no choice but to move permanently into Xalaga's garage-headquarters after his then-fiancée left him and he was evicted from his one- bedroom apartment. Then in 1993, the pair saw months of exhausting work go up in flames when an electrical fire destroyed dozens of circuit boards, driving Xalaga Technologies even further into debt.

Still, it was those initial setbacks that made all the setbacks still to come that much more painful.

"I'd be lying if I said Donald and I didn't have doubts—heck, those first 30 years were pretty tough for us," said Haberle, who recently celebrated his 53th birthday. "But trust me, places like Google and Apple went through the exact same thing when they began…."

"Hold on just a second," continued Haberle, quickly gathering up a number of unfinished microprocessors, memory boards, and other belongings piled high on the ground. "Looks like the owner wants to park his car" .


Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves

If you think you've saved enough benefit from your 4 children before your 20, this could be the answer to your prayers.

A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran's idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. you just ain't gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I've made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already.

Dig out yer favourite unwashed "Umbro" hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the "Street Pharmacist" and other suitably attired twats. Your gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way. What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot outta this pocket rocket.
Worried about the Babylon spotting ya, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with yer ugly chav kids and knowone'd see 'em. doesn't get much better boys. Ah, but it does. It does. To show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you'll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Gran's inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new "wheels" then taking her down the post Office flat out over the speed humps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her? Might need 2 laps but god damn them single teenage mums smoking Marlboro Lights outside the chippy will be impressed fella's. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible "Drum & Bass" Cd and the throbbing out the 6x9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time.

To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from the front to the rear. Finished in "Air Max" white it really doesn't complement the car in any shape or form. Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You'll also enjoy the totally pointless but ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn't get where you are today by being helpful, did you?
I'm quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of shit and look a complete prick. I'd much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you've made it. cocaine and skunk selling is never gonna get any easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram's of smack or coke, but ideally I'd need to get a serious drug habit before hand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I'm easy really. Bring along your mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier.

For any female buyer I'm offering a free Tatoo of something utterly meaninless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven't already got your "Tramp Stamp" that is.

If your an under-age drink driver, or under-age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn't going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all. you'll drift pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, Splif in hand. If your driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic "LIDL" brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain't never gonna take you alive in this.

The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. don't forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this "fanny magnet". You can almost bet your last eighth of puff your gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few STD's as well. your gonna get a proper bird with this motor.

For the disqualified driver I'll even offer to recover it from outside the local Magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO?

Don't let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid.

Nuff said, innit.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births

WASHINGTON—A coalition of the nation's most fervent bigots convened in Washington Monday to address growing concerns that the production of hateful new racial slurs has failed to keep pace with the rise in mixed-race births.

According to representatives from the American Racists and Bigots Council (ARBC), the growing number of children born to parents of different ethnicities has posed a real challenge to the nation's hate-speech developers—a challenge they say threatens their way of life.

"The world is changing, and we, the hateful and ignorant of America, need to change with it," ARBC chairman Tom Branson said at a rally Monday. "The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in."

Added Branson, "In order to continue going backward, we first have to move forward."

According to statistics provided by the coalition, a rise in the birthrate of mixed-race Americans has left millions of confused racists with absolutely nothing prejudiced to say when confronted by a person of indeterminate or complex background. What frightens the coalition most is data suggesting that by 2015, ignorant bigots everywhere could be powerless when it comes to reducing mixed-raced individuals to profoundly uninformed cultural stereotypes.

In response, a number of prominent bigots have proposed steps for developing new slurs and counteracting what many in the racist community believe to be the greatest obstacle to the advancement of racially motivated vitriol.

"It all starts with education," ARBC strategist Michael McNeil said. "If you are at a bar drinking boilermakers in a desperate attempt to quell your rage and self-hatred and an Armenian- Brazilian man walks in, you have to be able to swiftly formulate the most vile and thoughtless way to demean him as a human being. Yell out an outdated or inaccurate slur in a situation like that, and you just wind up looking ignorant."

"The mind is an incredibly powerful thing," McNeil continued. "But it must be fed new and better ways to hate, or it will fail to grow."

According to coalition representatives, the country's top racists are working to create a multi-tiered strategy for the coming decade, including seminars on mixed-racial profiling, after-school programs designed to teach children the latest in ethnic stereotyping, and a campaign to provide poor, underprivileged white people with new state-of-the-art racial epithets for daily use.

"We all know that they are here to steal our jobs, marry our children, and take away everything we so desperately cling to, but who are 'they' really?" McNeil asked reporters. "If we can't answer that simple question, then there's no way we can go on blindly persecuting those who are different from us. To tell you the truth, I don't understand how we ever fell so far behind in the first place. Damn Nigerian Jews probably behind it, I bet."

Although many have expressed doubt over whether the nation's bigots will be able to remain as effective in this century as they were in the past two, Branson contended that the difficulties of navigating the country's so-called post-racial landscape are temporary and will soon be rectified.

"This is just a minor setback," Branson told reporters. "Our new and improved slurs will soon tip the balance of power back into the hands of honest, hardworking white citizens, and all of the other breeds and half-breeds living within what was still called the United States of America, last time I checked, will go back to whatever dirty little heathen countries they crawled here from and never come back. Oh, they think they're so smart, see, but no, they're not smart at all, none of them, all they are is just a bunch of stupid…goddamn…they're nothing, do you see what I'm saying? They're just a dumb…fucking…bunch of…of…."

"God…damn it," a red-faced Branson added. "God…fucking…damn it.

Proud Of His Irish Heritage

KENOSHA, WI—Despite being just 1/16th Irish, Dennis Kroeger, a 27-year-old marketing manager whose great-great grandmother hailed from County Cork, is fiercely proud of his Irish ancestry.

Kroeger proudly wears the green.

"Dennis sure loves playing up his Irishness," said Lisa Biederman, a friend and coworker of Kroeger's. "When he gets mad, it's his Irish temper. When he drinks, he's got a powerful Irish thirst. When he's being sappy, it's his Irish poet's soul. I'm like, 'Dennis, you're not even Catholic.'"

"Mary Gaughan, my mother's father's mother's mother, was from a tiny village called Ballydesmond," said the brown-eyed, brown-haired Kroeger, who is half German, one-quarter Swedish, one-eighth Dutch, one-sixteenth Belgian, and one-sixteenth Irish. "She married a sailor who was traveling from Rotterdam to America, and they settled in Milwaukee. Ever since, my family's been proud to be Irish."

Kroeger, who cites Man Of Aran as his favorite movie and Seumas MacManus' The Story Of The Irish Race as his favorite book, takes his Irish heritage seriously. He says he is saddened by the number of Irish-Americans who celebrate their culture only once a year, dismissing such less-than-reverent individuals as "green-beer Irish."

"Every St. Patrick's Day, it's the same thing," said Kroeger over a "correct" room-temperature Guinness at Noonan's, a Kenosha bar he praised as authentically Irish. "Everyone puts on green hats and spray-painted carnations and wears 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish' pins and gets drunk and makes fools of themselves. That's not what being Irish is about. That's an exaggerated, stereotyped version of our culture."

"How many of these people know the first thing about their history?" Kroeger asked. "How many of them know anything about the potato famine, much less the Downing Street Declaration?"

Jessica Kroeger, 23, is mystified by her older brother's identification with the Irish people.

"I have no idea where he got this whole Irish fixation from," Jessica said. "I mean, Dad's mostly German and Mom's some kind of European mongrel. He never gave a shit about it in high school, but at some point in college it just suddenly kicked in."

Padraig O'Riordan, a senior fellow at the Hibernian-American League in Boston, was bemused by Kroeger's eagerness to associate himself with the Emerald Isle.

"I suppose if being 1/16th Irish is the most interesting thing about the man, he has the right to flaunt it," O'Riordan said. "But he probably doesn't realize that what he's really telling the world is that he's desperate for an identity. I mean, I'm 100 percent Irish, but I don't run around telling every single person I meet."

"I just don't get what Dennis thinks is so thrilling about being part Irish," Jessica said. "I mean, sure, it's nice, but it doesn't exactly make you exotic. My boyfriend, now, he's 1/8th Cherokee."


She will get you barred from Woodies !

She thinks doing this sort of thing is veeeeeeeeery funny

Cant even go to the Supermarket with her .........

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


But not a patch on my favorite T-Shirt ...... the slogan of which is

" Is it still pedophilia if the child is dead ? "

And Yes ..... one would have to be very brave indeed to wear it .

But ................. it's just a t-shirt !


Chelsea confirm a club steward suffered a "badly bruised leg" after being knocked down by the captain's car outside Stamford Bridge last night.

The 29-year-old club captain struck the official as he was driving out of the ground at 11pm onTuesday night, when his car was surrounded by a crowd of photographers.

His side had earlier been knocked out of the Champions League by Inter Milan.

Terry, who was in the vehicle with his wife Toni, was not aware of the incident until he was contacted at his home in Surrey.

He was breathalysed by Surrey police officers several hours later, but was within the legal drink limit.

The 35-year-old steward was taken to hospital for treatment.

Overheard at the Bridge : ......... I remember the time John Obi Mikel hit a fan
right in the face .............. serves him right for sitting in row Z :-)


These are a bit of fun ..............
Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

RIP PAULINE LEVY ( The Badge Lady )

Chelsea fan all her life , she was quite a character, and that scarf must have been heavy. She used to go home and away and hang the scarf over the hoarding from her East Stand seat.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Henry Ford. You wouldn’t want him on your pub quiz team but he certainly knew how to run a business. It must go forward. It must be evolving and improving constantly.
Football clubs are the same. Everyone knows Ford’s pithy history quote, but he regularly expanded on the subject to great effect. ‘We don’t want tradition,’ he said. ‘We want to live in the present and the only history worth a tinker’s damn is the history we make today.’
And this brings us to Javier Mascherano. Last month, when Liverpool were playing Manchester City in what some misguidedly believed was a decider for the fourth Champions League place, Mascherano had some interesting things to say. He joined in a familiar Anfield refrain and announced City had no history.

‘Maybe if City got into the top four they would build on that as Chelsea did,’ opined Mascherano. ‘But I will tell you one thing: you can buy players, but you cannot buy history. At Liverpool, we play with the history of the club. We don’t have the money they have, but we are proud to play for Liverpool. I don’t want to play for Manchester City.'
This is an increasingly popular theme at a club where history has been redefined along exactingly narrow parameters to mean not all events that happened in the past, but success attained in a previous existence.
Chelsea do not have history either, apparently, despite beating Liverpool to a European trophy by two years in 1971. Manchester City beat them into being by five years, to the FA Cup by 61 years, to the League Cup by 11 years and to a European trophy by three years.
Liverpool certainly made up for it after that but it is a bit disingenuous to regard history merely as events that took place over two specific decades. Every club has history, even Milton Keynes Dons.
It may not be a history that is particularly memorable — or in the case of MK Dons, palatable — it may not be worth a tinker’s damn as Ford would say, but it is there none the less.

Manchester City are trying to buy success and a slice of what Mascherano calls history, but this is hardly new. Of the 26 players who represented Liverpool in four European Cup finals between 1977 and 1984, only seven were home grown. The stellar names — Kenny Dalglish, Graeme Souness, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson, Ian Rush — were bought. These were different times and many arrivals were relative bargains from smaller clubs but back then that was the way even the biggest teams operated in the transfer market.

The principles were the same. Liverpool bought the best players from Scotland, the smaller First Division clubs and the lower leagues, and the best players delivered the best history. Now City are trying to do the same, but the market has changed so the process is considerably more expensive and scouts now trawl only upmarket shops.
‘We have some very good players and we will fight to the end,’ Mascherano added, prior to the Manchester City game. ‘Then we will see what happens.’
What happened was that Liverpool and City played out one of the dullest goalless draws of the season, while on the same day Tottenham Hotspur defeated Wigan Athletic 3-0 and Aston Villa beat Burnley 5-2. Tottenham have subsequently taken three points off Everton, while Manchester City have achieved their marquee result under the stewardship of Roberto Mancini by winning 4-2 at league leaders Chelsea.
Liverpool squeaked past Blackburn Rovers at home and lost to Wigan away. They are a point behind Tottenham, who have a game in hand, a point behind Manchester City, who have two games in hand, and three points ahead of Aston Villa, who have three games in hand.
Tottenham meet Manchester City for their extra game, so the best-case scenario for Liverpool is that two teams are two points clear and the worst is that one team is six points clear and two are four points clear.
And the strangest twist in the plot is that Mascherano, the history man, is now talking about his career at Liverpool in vague terms. ‘I am very happy at Liverpool,’ he says, ‘but I want to know what the club’s plans are and then we will see if, at this moment in time, I can renew my contract.
Plans, Javier? Aren’t plans the stuff of the future? What about all that lovely history?
Shouldn’t the conversation go, ‘I know we appear to be travelling backwards; that lesser teams present a serious challenge to us, I know we were removed from the Champions League at the group stage and may not even qualify for the tournament next season but, hey — 11 league titles and four European Cups between 1973 and 1990, you can’t say fairer than that. Now, where do I sign?’

History today: Ford
History is more or less bunk, said Ford and, deep down, Mascherano must agree. Barcelona’s interest in him is well known and if he leaves he will no doubt couch his departure in terms that are consistent with his desire for substance and grandeur.
We know the reality, though.
Liverpool have history, yes, but Mascherano also fears they may be history unless the financial fortunes improve, and he has no desire to spend another season skirmishing in the Europa League — or even contemplating it.
Nobody is blaming him, just spare us the lofty dismissals of Manchester City, or any club that dares to have ambition. For a player whose arrival in English football involved him being parked at West Ham United while waiting for a bigger, richer employer to come along, Mascherano appears to have ascended very quickly to the high ground.
One imagines that in his disappointing first season, had Chelsea and not Liverpool expressed an interest, he would have dismissed these tiresome parvenus and returned to the welcoming arms of the West Ham reserve team, where he had been consigned by noted football genius Alan Curbishley.
The reason Mascherano can haughtily turn down Manchester City — apart from the fact that they have not tried to buy him — is that he knows he has a more substantial suitor in Spain.
Rafael Benitez, the Liverpool manager, mocked Sam Allardyce at Blackburn, saying Barcelona were looking to copy his style, but within days the joke rebounded.

Allardyce responded smartly by producing statistics that showed Blackburn’s pass completion rate was just 0.7 per cent less than Liverpool’s, and his players had spent more time in the attacking third, despite it being an away game.
According to the Prozone figures, Blackburn also had more shots on target, more crosses and more penalty area entries. Blackburn are no Barcelona but neither are Liverpool this season and they haven’t been for some while.
Liverpool play a direct style but with better players and there is not a person in football who would consider Mascherano to be taking a step down by swapping Anfield for Nou Camp. Even Benitez chose Barcelona as his reference point when he sought to belittle Allardyce. If he thoughtLiverpool’s football was in the same class he could have said ‘we’ are looking to copy Blackburn, instead.
There was a time when Liverpool were considered the acme of the European game. This is the era to which Mascherano refers, in which the club made history.
Unfortunately, nothing, even history, stands still. Since then, there has been more history, much of it less than glorious.
And even the events of Monday, March 8, 2010 are part of the annals now. It will go down as the night on which Liverpool lost to Wigan: for the first time in their history, in fact.



Happy birthday Chelsea Football Club
105 years old today.

Founded upstairs at the Rising Sun public house on 10 March 1905. And not looking a day over 100.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


All Thoroughbreds, regardless of their actual date of birth, are given an official birthday of January 1st to keep the age groups easily defined for race conditions. They must be registered with the Jockey Club within a year of their actual date of birth and must be DNA typed to prove their parentage. To be eligible for registration, both parents must be registered and DNA/blood typed and the foal must be the product of a live cover and not artificial insemination or embryo transfer.
A Thoroughbred must be named by February of its 2-year-old year or a late fee will be charged. Six names in order of preference are submitted by the owner and the Jockey Club will decide which they can have. Horse names can be changed for a fee unless it has already raced or been bred. Names can be up to 18 characters, including spaces and punctuation. All horse names must be approved by the Jockey Club and there are a lot of rules about what you can't use: ............ heres one ....... No names that are suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste; or names that may be offensive to religious, political or ethnic groups .
The suggestive horse names restriction is the one many people, like Mike Pegram, try to get around with creative spellings such as Hoof Hearted , and J P McManus got around with Ice Melted .
Unfortunately they never raced each other in the same race .

Liverpool winning the race for seventh

Despite going down 1-0 at Wigan last night, Liverpool still have their noses in front in the race for that much-coveted final Europa League spot.
They obviously like it in that tournament. Despite playing just two matches in the nascent competition, their goal average of four goals scored for every one conceded means it's evidently their kind of place.

Had they managed a smash-and-grab raid for all three points at the DW Stadium, they could have dared to dream about climbing up the table and joining the big guns in the top four.

It's an inspirational example of just what a club lacking in star players and working to a tight budget can achieve.

The Reds are currently sixth in the table, although Aston Villa now have three games in hand with which to overturn a three-point gap.

After that, Rafa Benitez and his boys will be looking over their shoulders at fellow Europa League hopefuls Everton and Birmingham. If the Blues win their two games in hand, they will be just two points behind the Reds.

Things may have been different were it not for a display of Nicklas Bendtner proportions from Fernando Torres. The only difference was that the Spaniard didn't have a high-scoring midfield to cover his tracks.

Instead, in midfield the Reds had Steven Gerrard, the man who led England out on to the Wembley turf last week as their captain. In the tradition of those who wear the England armband in recent times, Stevie G proved himself to be an inspirational figure and role model by appearing to flick a V-sign at referee Andre Marriner, who had the temerity to book him for a scissor-tackle on James McCarthy.

The dreaded 'FA rap' could be on its way to him soon, and no doubt a flea in his ear from Fabio Capello too, who warned his players only last week about their behaviour between now and travelling to South Africa.

As an attacking midfielder with boundless energy, it would be no surprise if Diego Maradona was one of Gerrard's heroes as a boy. However, emulating the Argentina legend's recent penchant for not-so-sly hand gestures in full glare of the media is not the best habit to pick up on the eve of a World Cup.

Monday, March 1, 2010