Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Top Gear Aimed At Viewers 'With Mental Age of Nine' Says Producer

The BBC show's aim, according to Andy Wilman, is to provide "an hour a week where absolutely nothing is achieved" but which provides a method of escapism for middle aged men. 

Having watched the majority of the show's upcoming nine episodes, Wilman found that "almost everything we'd filmed was, once again, aimed at people with a mental age of nine".

"I gave that last point some thought," he added during an interview with the Radio Times magazine. "And quickly realised that it was too important to mess around with.

"If you're actually nine, you need something to watch that isn't a computer screen," he said. "And if you're 29, 39 or 59, part of your brain will most likely still have a mental age of nine, and that part struggles to get nourishment.

"Modern life for adults is, after all, bloody hard. The workplace is not freer, but more regimented by management systems and nonsense enforced by going on "courses". Email hasn't decreased the workload but in fact piled it on.

"The demand to be accountable and produce results hangs heavy over every worker, and by the weekend they need a release valve. That's where we come in – an hour a week where three badly dressed middle-aged men bicker, fall over and catch fire.

"This is an important service we provide, and therefore essential that being nine should remain a massive remit of our films." Series 21 of Top Gear stars Sunday, 2 February, and Wilman promised that it would not contain any "grown up" content.


Mata Has Gone !

Monday, January 27, 2014

Samuel ETO'O's supercars

After spending a few years being the best paid player in the world; a reported £350,000 per week after tax, it appears Samuel decided to splash a large amount of that on a dazzling fleet of cars. These were scattered across Europe during his time at Anzhi for security reasons, but now he has moved to Knightsbridge, it would appear that he has decided to bring some of his cars with him.

4 of his finest ‘rides’ have already been spotted in London (which also happens to be my home). These are an Aston Martin One-77, an Aston Martin V12 Zagato, a Bugatti Veyron and a Xenatec Maybach Coupe. These may be like words on a page to most people, but when you realise that these 4 cars add up to a total of over £3million, you can understand why the arrival of Eto’o came to great excitement to car fans in the English capital.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Nick Santonastasso zombie pranks Norman Reedus

Eden Hazard Presented Award By Chelsea Teammates

It looks as if Chelsea's current crop of first teamers has a bit of a sense of humor. This week, the Ballon d'Or was awarded to Real Madrid's Ronaldo after the Portuguese international put in an incredible shift for both club and country in 2013.

FIFA displayed fantastic transparency in the voting process for the prestigious award, publishing all the votes and where they came from. Way down near the bottom of the list for total votes was none other than Chelsea's in-form star Eden Hazard. The Belgian international has enjoyed an excellent couple of weeks for the Blues and continues scoring and being incredibly influential in Jose Mourinho's attack.

Not to be outdone by the real award going to Ronaldo, Hazard's Chelsea teammates awarded the Belgian with a wooden replica of the Ballon D'Or complete with the team's signatures.

Hazard posted a photo of his new trophy on Instagram with the following caption: Its not ballon d'or for me its ballon wood. Hahahaha

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Only Fools And Horses actor Roger Lloyd-Pack dies aged 69

Only Fools and Horses star Roger Lloyd-Pack has died after losing his battle with pancreatic cancer aged 69, his agent said.  

The actor, best known for playing Trigger in the long-running comedy, died at home in London on Wednesday night.

Sir David Jason told of his 'fondness' for his sitcom co-star and described him as a fine actor. He said: 'I was very saddened to hear of Roger's passing. He was a very quiet, kind and unassuming actor who was a pleasure to work with. 'Although he played the simple soul of Trigger in Only Fools And Horses, he was a very intelligent man and a very fine actor capable of many roles

Saturday, January 4, 2014

“What’s wrong with us?” demand Government as Romanians fail to arrive

The Romanian and Bulgarian ambassadors to Britain have been summoned to Downing street for urgent talks this morning following the complete absence of the stampede of immigrants expected on New Years day. 

Prime Minister David Cameron explained “We were supposed to wake up on New years day to find them all camping on roundabouts and mugging pensioners. Looks like they’ve all gone to France or Spain instead. Or even worse stayed at home. How dare they not come here and piss on our sanctimonious bonfire like that.”

The lack of expected mass immigration, which has caused both the Daily Mail and Daily Express to have blank covers this morning, is thought likely to result in legal action. A spokesman for both papers explained ”We rely on immigration so we can make a living demonising it. So we want compensation for them not coming over here and they’re going to have to pay up. And if they need to come over here to work or claim benefits in order to raise the money to do that then so be it. And then we won’t rest until they’ve left.”

One disappointed British citizen told us “I haven’t worked for years. I was hoping I could put this down to an army of eastern European immigrants coming to take all our jobs or claim all our benefits or something. In the clear absence of such an influx I am being forced to finally admit to myself that the reason that I am not in gainful employment is because I’m a bit lazy. So I’m joining the English Defence League instead where I can convince myself that it’s not me being lazy or at fault in any way .............. it’s Muslims.”

Friday, January 3, 2014

SO TRUE ........ SO TRUE

Fast Food Fasting

So I kick back, relax and try to chill,
my belly rumbles once or twice – perhaps I’m ill?
Nah that’s a grumble not a rumble – I’m hungry still,
what’s easiest? a £3.79 extra value meal …

So yeah, another thing threatening my sanity
is the reality that fast-food is ruining humanity.
Statistics show this ‘food’ is nutritionally crude
and bad diet affects your mood but nothing changes general attitude
towards the companies selling it.
The largest being The Golden Arches,
who keep on clogging arteries everywhere with their modified starches.
How many people died before eyes were opened and fries
and other sides were criticised and no longer sold in supersize?
and since when did apple pies provide a fifth of my daily slice
of fat? despite how nice they taste, there’s clearly something wrong with that.

Macdonald had a little farm,
And a need to fill menu pages.
So he built a fuck-off shed
and filled it with chickens in tiny cages.

Now that chicken ain’t the chicken that is sitting in your cupboard.
The meat in your McNuggets is ‘mechanically recovered’
I discovered that the bones are pressed and squashed
and all the slosh that’s left is off to be re-dressed
and then it’s coated in some bread.
And salt is added, again more salt, and finally some more.
Then some sugar, chemicals, more salt – preservatives galore.

All that I’ve stated is well substantiated
but I’m aware you might be sitting there feeling slightly irritated
because despite eating this shit for years – admittedly uneducated -
you actually feel satiated, not emaciated.

Well, here it is you see, I’ll tell you this for free,
Mcdonalds, Burger King, Dominos, KFC…
Their food isn’t meant to keep you alive or healthy…

It’s meant to be cheap to make, quick to fill you up – and make someone far more wealthy.