Thursday, February 28, 2013

'BIDDLY BIDDLY BONG .......... YO'

Ricky Gervais revives David Brent for Comic Relief.

He will reprise his role as the former manager of Slough paper merchants Wernham Hogg, in The Office Revisited, for Red Nose Day on 15 March.


It has been 10 years since Gervais has been seen on British TV as David Brent. "I thought it was time to revisit my most famous comedy creation to find out what he's been up to for the last decade," Gervais said.

David Brent will be seen starting a new career as a talent manager in the music industry, as he tries to help urban solo artist Dom Johnson secure his big break.

"He is passing on his wisdom to younger would-be rock stars now. Well, really he is trying to worm his way back into rock and roll," said Gervais.


Brent has funded his new sideline as an impresario by selling cleaning products as a door-to-door salesman.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

HMMMMMMMMMM .........


ANTHONY HOPKINS ... THE MAN OF 1000 FACES

You've seen him play Richard Nixon in 'Nixon', you've seen him play Alfred Hitchcock in 'Hitch' ..... he's played John Quincy Adams, Pablo Picasso, Dr. Kellogg and even Hitler .. he played the role of King Richard the Lionheart and even some bloke from New Zealand who liked to ride motorcycles really fast ........ Yes .... he's the 'Biopic' king ........................ So ..... who's next ????


Here's a chap who recently passed ...... Richard 'Dickie' Briers, wonder if he'll have a go, they could call it 'Good' ..... with Hopkins as Tom, Helen Mirren as Barbara, Russell Brand as 'Gerrah' and Anne Hathaway as Margot.


Or perhaps he's waiting for Peter Sallis to pop his 'Cleggs' to make his life story ............... 'Clegg'


With our old friend Russell Brand as 'Foggy' and Hugh Grant as 'Compo'.

Whoever he decides to play next ................. I'll be waiting.

Monday, February 25, 2013

WRECK-IT RAPHA




'Ode to Rafa' to the tune of House of the Rising Sun

There is a Scouse at Stamford Bridge
he weighs a couple of ton
And hes been the ruin of many a good team
And Chelsea are just one.

His mother was a tailor
She made poor Rafas Jeans
She used the lounge room curtains
Yet he still had bulging seams.

Now the only thing that Roman needs
Is to win with Barcas style
And the only time that he'll be satisfied
Is when Chelsea play with guile.

So Rafa, tell the players
to forget their golden run
now here comes years of misery
til the waiters race is run.

Well, one hand on my cell phone
Jose's number I must dial
Please return to Stamford Bridge
and make the blues fans smile.

Yes there's still a Scouse at Stamford Bridge
but the end is drawing near
Mourinhos coming home again
to kick the Spaniards rear !

Sir Les

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Morning Murders

CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced. “As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again.” 


Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.” At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side./b>

GAME OF THRONES - SEASON 3

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I KNOW IT'S WRONG ................. BUT


A closer look at the Google Glass experience

The wait is finally over to see what it will really be like to use Google Glass. Google has released a video showcasing the headsets initial features, user interface, and the overall experience of using Google Glass in everyday life.

As we already knew, voice recognition will be the primary method for interacting with the headset, in conjunction with a small gesture-based touch pad and button on the side of the device, but now we are starting to see how these input methods will actually work in practice.



By speaking the phrase “Ok Google”, followed by one of the pre-set commands, you’ll be able to perform a Google search, take a picture, record a video, send a message, or get directions to a location. This appears to be the full list of supported features for Glass thus far but Google has mentioned in the past that they are experimenting with many different ideas. This is just the initially supported feature set.

Back in January Babak Parviz, head of the Google Glass project, described the features as “still in flux” and mentioned that they are “experimenting with a lot of things. The feature set for the device is not set yet”. Now, just a few weeks later, we have a much clearer idea of what to expect from the first iteration of Google Glass, despite not knowing when we’ll finally be able to get our hands on a pair of our own.


For a lucky few however, the wait will not be very long at all.

Today Google announced a ‘Glass Explorer’ initiative aimed at creative individuals based in the US. It will give the general public a chance to get early access to Google Glass and offer feedback for how to better develop the hardware, its features and the overall experience.

Being a Glass Explorer will not be cheap though. You’ll need to purchase your own headset for $1,500 dollars plus tax and that’s only if Google accepts your application to take part. So, for the time being, we’ll just have to sit back and enjoy the shiny press shots and inspirational videos, while Google drums up excitement and developer interest for the wireless headset of our dreams.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

African American Man Tries To Return Ownership of Self To White Family.

NP- Jasper GA.

In what some African American comunity leaders call a disgusting spectacle beyond words, a local black man Henry Simms tracked down the decendants of slave owners who owned his ancesters in an attempt to return himself as 'lost property' in order to collect room and board.

"Times are hard.Henry said as he set up a tent on the vacant lot across from the home of Fred and Lara Duncan.I lost my job last year at the factory,and had to live out of my car." Things looked bleak until Henry saw an episode of ROOTS on BET last summer and decided to track down his family tree.

"I learned that my great,great,Grand father was a slave owned by the Duncans,he told our reporter pointing at the home across the street.I figured 'what the heck' I'll just return myself to them."

The Duncans would not return our calls,but put out a statement which read "We do wish for any troluble,and the actions of Mr.Simms are very disturbing."

Police were called an Mr.simms recived a restraing order keeping him 50 feet from their home. Henry decided to pitch a makeshift camp on the edge of that boundery in a vacant lot.

"They will take ownership of me! If I have to wait all winter out in the cold I will." Henry replied in a determined voice.

RUN FOR YOUR WIFE

Danny Dyer's 'Run For Your Wife' flops with £602 at the box office

Dyer's adaptation of the long-running West End play has been widely panned by critics, and also failed to connect with UK audiences.

Its taking of £602 from nine cinemas translates to an average of £67 per cinema, plus preview takings of £320.


The film is set to expand to a further 65 cinemas across the UK this week, playing mainly at late morning and early afternoon screenings.

Run For Your Wife stars Dyer as a taxi driver who must prevent his two wives (played by Sarah Harding and Denise Van Outen) from coming face to face.

HOW TO ........................


'KISS HIS BALLS'

The story goes that during a Tonight Show appearance, Arnold Palmer was asked by Johnny Carson if he has any good-luck rituals, The golfer replied, "Yes, my wife kisses my balls.". To which Carson supposedly quipped, "I bet that flutters your putter."

Anecdotal evidence suggests that it was in fact Mrs Sammy Snead who made the famous comment to Steve Allen on the same show in the mid 1950's.

Audrey Snead with son Jackie posing with some of Sam's Trophies --- >

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

AT LEAST THEY DON'T USE FALSE ADVERTISING

A Las Vegas man who was the unofficial spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, a medically themed restaurant that embraces monstrous hamburgers, died Monday after suffering a massive heart attack.



John Alleman, 52, who had come to the restaurant to eat every day, was on life support at the Las Vegas Sunrise Hospital after he had a "massive" coronary at a bus stop last week. He was taken off life support Monday.

Heart Attack Grill owner Jon Basso, who was in Alleman's hospital room when he died, told ABC News that Alleman said both his parents had died in their 50s of heart attacks.

Basso said Alleman, who worked the graveyard shift as a night watchman for a nearby skyscraper under construction, had been coming in every day for the past year and a half. He would order a "Single Bypass Burger," fries and a drink, usually staying up to six hours. Even though Alleman was never on the restaurant payroll, he came so often that Basso put his caricature on their menus and merchandise.

Basso goes by "Doctor Jon," but he is not a real doctor. Waitresses are "nurses" and orders are called "prescriptions." Customers, who have to don a hospital gown when they walk in the door, are called "patients." Those who weigh more than 350 pounds eat for free but only after they get up on a scale in front of the whole restaurant for a pre-meal weigh-in.



"I absolutely think the food I'm serving is unsafe," Basso said. "The only way what I'm doing would be immoral would be if I were to market it as healthy by throwing a cute little side salad on the menu. ... The Heart Attack Grill is the most moral restaurant on the planet Earth because we are absolutely here to make a statement about obesity, about coronary issues, about death and dying and all those things that are prevalent in the society."

The 8,000-calorie Quadruple Bypass Burger, with four half-pound beef patties, eight slices of American cheese, a whole tomato and half an onion served in a lard-coated bun, has been called one of the "world's worst junk foods." Other menu items include butterfat milkshakes and "flatliner fries" cooked in lard.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Peter Odemwingie ‘turned away from Vatican’

West Brom striker Peter Odemwingie has been criticised after turning up at the Vatican unannounced for discussions about the Pope job.

It is understood that the footballer believed that a transfer to being head of the Catholic church had been agreed, only to be turned away at the gates by cardinals.

The Vatican later described the episode as ‘an unfortunate misunderstanding’.

Pope quits

The news emerged after the existing Pope, Benedict XVI, handed in a surprise transfer request. Odemwingie’s agent later put out a statement, attempting to repair the damage done to the striker. “Peter Odemwingie genuinely believed that he was in the running to become Supreme Holy Father, Most Beloved Pontiff, successor of Saint Peter and Head of the Catholic Church Worldwide,” it read.

“But for now he is very happy at West Brom.”

and in other news ..........................................................




The alternatives ......................................................


Friday, February 8, 2013

WHAT NEXT ?



'Findus products are still popular' ... according to the latest Gallup poll

Thursday, February 7, 2013

THE MANE COURSE



A horse I tipped won today.

Made mincemeat of the rest of the field !

STEWART LEE DOES MICHAEL McINTYRE


GUESS WHO .............

Nope ..... it's not Neymar ..... it's the new Neymar, this is Neilson.

Footballers are getting to be like mobile phones ... as soon as you think you know which one is best, the next generation is already on the way.


Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is trying to set up a cut-price deal for the next big star of Brazilian football. The Blues are watching Santos sensation Neilton, who made headlines by scoring a hat-trick against Palmeiras in the semi-finals of the Copa Sao Paulo Under-19s' tournament. It is believed there is a £5million buy-out clause in the 19-year-old's contract, and Santos are now trying to renegotiate the deal to stop him escaping on the cheap. European champions Chelsea and Manchester United are closely watching developments with a player already dubbed the "new Neymar" in Brazil. Abramovich previously became embroiled in a bidding war for superstar Neymar, who is now tipped to go to Barcelona.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

YOU'RE SOOOO BANE


TODAY'S JOKE


Mate of mine went to jail ...... Hated it ........... depression, fighting, smearing shit on walls .............

Last time I invite him round to play monopoly !


I'll get me Top Hat !

Friday, February 1, 2013