Friday, September 30, 2011

JEDI KITTENS

SURPRISED HE MANAGED TO HOLD ON TO IT !

Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea has found himself in a sticky situation after being warned for allegedly eating a Krispy Kreme doughnut at a local shop without paying for it.

De Gea, who joined United this summer from Atletico Madrid, earns around £70,000-a-week but apparently decided that he wasn't willing to shell out £1.19 for the sugary treat and, according to the Sun, ate it in store, before attempting to leave.

The Spaniard was tackled by security staff, who showed him CCTV footage of the incident in the store's "stop and search" room.

STICKY FINGERS
A source told the paper: "They [De Gea and his two friends] weren't very subtle. They swaggered in chatting loudly in Spanish. The security guards who monitor the CCTV watched two of them take a doughnut each out of the Krispy Kreme cabinet. Incredibly, they then appeared to try to leave without paying - or buying anything else for that matter."

De Gea avoided a jam as he was given warning and police were not called to the scene. On Thursday night a Tesco spokesman said: "A customer was spoken to by our security team and the issue was resolved."

The worlds funniest commercial

Thursday, September 29, 2011

DID YOU KNOW ................

Apparently if you extract the venom from a million daddy long legs, and fill a bath with it, a human being can drown in it, if you hold his head under for 15 minutes, lethal they are !

What is it you c*nt face?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

TERRA NOGO

The year is 2149 and the Earth is on the verge of destruction due to the greed, hatred, and war that humans have inflicted upon it. A grey Gotham-like city, reminiscent of the dreary megalopolis in Blade Runner, is home to the surprisingly cheerful and functional Shannon family. Dad Is a cop, mom is a doc, there are two teens, and a toddler [lots of hugging goes on, a bit like Falling Skies].


The family is celebrating dad’s procurement of a real orange when the population police arrive - no more than two children are allowed. But toddler Zoe cries for mommy after being secreted in an air vent and dad Jim has to punch out the policeman who finds her. That means two years of prison for Jim.


Fast forward and doctor mom has been offered a work assignment in Terra Nova, a prehistoric world that waves of pilgrims have time-traveled to in a bid to start over. Jim breaks out of prison and now the entire family is in a green, tropical setting (actually Australia) where dinosaurs roam.

For the settlers who’ve journeyed back through the space-time portal, Terra Nova is a chance to get it right. “We’re fighting for a new beginning,” states Commander Taylor. And fight they will - against huge, vicious dinosaurs and a renegade group of pilgrims called Sixers. It doesn’t help that the new world’s teen inhabitants invite even more danger by sneaking outside the perimeter to leap into beautiful waterfalls and make moonshine from fruts [neither fruits nor nuts].

OH GOD ! ..... WHO CARES ? .... THERE ARE SO MANY PLOT HOLES AND MISTAKES THAT IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER ...... THIS IS A CLICHE RIDDEN HUGGINGFEST LIKE ANY NUMBER OF AMERICAN SHOWS OF THE LAST DECADE.

THE SHANNON FAMILY WILL SURVIVE EVERY WEEK WHILE NONENTITIES WE DON'T KNOW WILL DIE WITH GRIM REGULARITY. THERE WILL BE NO SURPRISES FROM THIS SHOW ..... UNLESS THE ACTING OR PLOTLINE IMPROVES.

THE NONSENSE STARTS EARLY [2 minutes in]

Dad : ' How was your day ? '
Mom : ' Not great, three more patients with Pulmonary aplasia '

WHO TALKS LIKE THIS ? ..... IN THE REAL WORLD WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS, THERE IS A KIND OF SHORTHAND, A COMMON NICKNAME THAT WOULD BE USED ..... NO DOCTOR COMES HOME AND TELLS THEIR SPOUSE THAT THERE WERE NEW CASES OF 'ACQUIRED IMMUNE DEFICIENCY SYNDROME' TODAY ....... THEY SAYS 'AIDS' ....... THAT'S HOW REAL PEOPLE BEHAVE.

WE SEEM TO HAVE BULLETPROOF DINOSAURS ALSO ..... OR PERHAPS OUR WEAPONS TECHNOLOGY HAS GONE BACKWARDS SOMEHOW IN THE 22nd CENTURY.

THERE SEEM TO BE DINOSAURS ON THIS SHOW ...... PERHAPS ONE OR TWO SPECIES PER EPISODE, BUT HONESTLY ..... ONE 'BUG' IN AN ENTIRE 1HR 30MIN EPISODE IS POOR ... SEEING AS A LARGE PART OF THE PILOT IS SPENT IN A FOREST ........ YES, WE SEE SOME BRACHIOSAURUS THAT PREFER TO BE HAND-FED RATHER THAN EAT FROM AN ENTIRE FOREST CLOSE BY ...... AND A FEW CARNOTAURUS  [THE BULLETPROOF KIND] ...... BUT THIS WORLD NEVER REALLY FEELS LIKE IT IS FILLED WITH DINOSAURS.

THEN THERE'S THE HUGGING ......... ALWAYS WITH THE HUGGING !!

I just know I'll be rooting for the Dinosaurs by episode 3 the way I was rooting for the Aliens in Falling Skies.

ONCE IN AWHILE ..... A MOVIE COMES ALONG ..............

.... THAT IS SO BIZARRE .... SO RIDICULOUS ..... THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT IGNORE IT ..... THIS IS ONE SUCH MOVIE.

Julian Perez, Mexico's most notorious leader of organized crime, must embark on a mission given to him by the only authority he respects... his mother. Joined by a colorful band of infamous criminals, Julian must risk his life to fulfill his mother's wish & rescue his brother from the war-ridden bowels of the most treacherous land in the world, IRAQ.

THIS SEASON .. I WILL BE MOSTLY WATCHING DEATH VALLEY

Friday, September 23, 2011

' BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE ALDERAAN '

IRISH SPACE AGENCY PREDICTS THAT SATELLITE WILL BREAK UP OVER IRELAND

NASA says its defunct satellite will crash to earth sooner than expected, some time Friday night or Saturday morning. According to estimates the huge satellite will miss North America after re-entry and break up into fragments.


NASA has revised its predictions and now says its defunct Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite will enter the atmosphere some time late September 23 or the morning of September 24. The 7-ton UARS satellite, the size of a school bus, is expected to break up into 26 pieces that will survive re-entry. NASA says the pieces have a 1 in 3200 probability of hitting a terrestrial inhabitant, but believes that the pieces will miss North America. A more accurate prediction will be issued within 12 hours of the projected breakup.



NASA says in the 50-plus years since Russians sent Sputnik 1 into space, it only knows of one person that has been hit by space debris, Lottie Williams of Tulsa, Oklahoma. She was hit on her shoulder by a piece of burnt foam from a rocket. When an ABC reporter interviewed her she said “I was a little disappointed — well, I was a lot disappointed because, you know, I was thinking I had something celestial,” she said. “And here I got something man-made, you know? And nobody even knows anything about it.”

As they say, nothing happens in Oklahoma except tornadoes

A British scientist has issued his own projections, estimating a splash in the southern ocean, but Dr. Eves says the satellite’s orbital decay can only be predicted with a 10-percent accuracy and four different scenarios within a 6-hour window are possible. The satellite completes its orbit around the earth every 1.5 hours.

Fox News has reported that FEMA, the Federal Emeregency Management Agency, is prepared in the event that the satellite crashes on U.S. territory.

Texas jails abolish last meals after uneaten banquet

Prison officials in the US state of Texas have abolished the traditional last meal request for inmates who are facing execution.

The move came after a prisoner requested a huge meal then did not eat any of it, saying he was not hungry.

Lawrence Russell Brewer was executed on Wednesday for the notorious hate-crime killing of James Byrd Jr in 1998.

The abolition followed a complaint by Texan Senator John Whitmire, who called the meal privilege "inappropriate".

Senator Whitmire, a Democrat and chairman of the state Senate Criminal Justice Committee, threatened to introduce legislation if the last meal offer was not withdrawn.

"Enough is enough," he said. "It is extremely inappropriate to give a person sentenced to death such a privilege. It's a privilege which the perpetrator did not provide to their victim."

Brad Livingston, executive director of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, replied within hours, saying the tradition would be abolished.

Mr Livingston said the inmates would now "receive the same meal served to other offenders on the unit".

Brewer's massive order arrived at 16:00 on Wednesday but he told prison officials he was not hungry.

It included two chicken fried steaks, a triple-meat bacon cheeseburger, three fajitas, a meat lover's pizza, a pint of ice cream and peanut butter fudge.

Brewer, a white supremacist, was sentenced to death for a high-profile race crime, chaining James Byrd to a pick-up truck and dragging him along a road.

Most US states have a last meal tradition but differ in its implementation. Some have a menu, others, like Florida, impose a cost restriction.

Some requests have been unusual.

In 2007, Philip Workman asked for his vegetarian pizza to be given to a homeless person. The request was denied.

James Edward Smith's request for "a lump of dirt" in 1990 was also turned down.

In 2000, Odell Barnes asked for "justice, equality and world peace".

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I LOVE RECEIVING SCAM MAIL

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, D.C.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
601 4th Street NW
Washington, DC 20535


Tel: 206-495-9765
Fax 0872 111 5935
8/24/2011

Assistant Director in Charge
James W. McJunkin

Special Agents in Charge
- Philip Selton
- Brenda Heck
- John Edward

BANK OF GHANA TRANSFERRED 10,500,000.00 US DOLLARS TO BANK OF AMERICA IN YOUR FAVOR AS THE BENEFICIARY BY INHERITANCE MEANS.BANK OF GHANA USED WHAT WE CALL "SECRET DIPLOMATIC TRANSIT PAYMENT" S.D.T.P METHOD TO PAY THIS FUND BY WIRE TRANSFER. SECRET DIPLOMATIC PAYMENTS ARE NOT MADE UNLESS THE FUNDS ARE RELATED TO TERRORIST ACTIVITIES.

THE QUESTION I ASK YOU IS THIS, WHY MUST YOUR PAYMENT BE MADE IN A SECRET TRANSFER, IF THE TRANSACTION IS LEGITIMATE, IF YOU ARE NOT A TERRORIST, THEN WHY DID YOU NOT RECEIVE THE MONEY DIRECTLY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT? WHY DID YOU INSTRUCT THEM TO USE A CODED MEANS TO TRANSFER YOUR FUND? FUNDS LIKE THIS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN RELATED TO TERRORIST ACTIVITIES/MONEY LAUNDERING, WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO GET INTO TROUBLE AS SOON AS THESE FUNDS ARE CREDITED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT BECAUSE YOU MIGHT BE INNOCENT, WHICH IS MY PRESUMPTION FOR NOW, BUT YOU NEED TO PROOF THIS TO THE FBI.

F.B.I STOPPED THE TRANSFER OF $15,000,000.00 USD THROUGH A SECRET DIPLOMATIC TRANSIT ACCOUNT (S.D.T.A) THAT WAS USED TO WIRE THIS FUND TO YOU. WE ADVICE YOU TO CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY, AS YOUR FUNDS ARE STOPPED AND HELD IN OUR CUSTODY, YOU ARE TO PROVIDE US WITH THE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL OF TRANSFER (DIST) DOCUMENT THAT ACCOMPANIED YOURE FUNDS WITHIN THE NEXT 3 DAYS.

TO PROOF TO US THAT THE FUNDS YOU ARE RECEIVING FROM GHANA IS TERRORIST/DRUG FREE AND NOT PROCEEDS FROM MONEY LAUNDERING. FAILURE TO PRODUCE THE DIST DOCUMENT, WE SHALL IMPOUND THE TRANSFER AND PROSECUTE YOU FOR CRIMINAL OFFENSE, BUT ON THE CONTRARY YOURE FUNDS WILL BE RELEASED TO IMMEDIATELY WE RECEIVE THE DIST DOCUMENT. WE HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU DIRECTLY BY EMAIL BECAUSE OF TIME AND YOUR PHONE NUMBER HERE ISNT GOING THROUGH, ACQUIRE THE DIST DOCUMENT AS PROOF THAT YOU ARE THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY,

THE DIST IS VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE DIST DOCUMENT GUARANTEES YOU OF THE FOLLOWING

60T YOUR CREDIT PAYMENT IS IRREVOCABLE

61H YOU ARE EMPOWERED TO RECEIVE THE FUNDS WITHOUT FURTHER SCRUTINY

62J YOUR BANK CAN EITHER BE IN USA/UK/OUTSIDE OR ANYWHERE YOU ARE HAVING FULL RESIDENCY

REPLY IMMEDIATELY WITH THIS DIST DOCUMENT IF YOU WANT TO RECEIVE YOUR TRANSFERRED FUNDS WE INTERCEPTED

Robert s. Mueller, iii
Director
Federal bureau of investigation
United States department of justice
Washington, D.C. 20535


cc Canadian police association
cc Asia pacific group on money laundering (apg)
cc international monetary fund (IMF)
cc international organization of securities commissions (iosco)
cc economic financial crime commission (efcc)

Rock and roll band R.E.M. breaking up



I was out having a curry when I heard the news ........ That's me in the korma !

Similar thing happened when I heard the news about Elvis ..... I was out buying a cake for my wife's birthday .... and I ended up face down in the gateaux !

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

TODAYS JOKE

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

TODAYS JOKE

John was going out with Wendy and he loved her so much that he wanted to get her name tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it spelled "Wendy" but when limp it said "W Y". After their wedding day they went to Jamaica for their honeymoon.
One day they went to the beach and Bob went to the public restroom. At the urinal next to him was this tall Jamaican man. Bob looked over the urinal divider, noticed the letters "W Y" on the Jamaican's unerect penis and he asked him, "Oh, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"
The big Jamaican man looked at him and said, "No, man! Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!'"

Saturday, September 17, 2011

DID YOU KNOW ................

Arsenal fans have been dealing with 8-2 jokes 4-3 weeks now !



Friday, September 16, 2011

BELIEVE IT OR DONT



Internet viewers are debating if the video is authentic, or if it has been staged to make it appear as if she is driving. Some viewers offer the explanation that she is driving a car like those used by driving instructors to teach new drivers. Others say the movement of her hands when she is turning the car to drive around a car ahead of her when she changes lane shows that it is her operating the vehicle.

DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ?


Find out here -> http://www.deathclock.com/


May not apply if you reside in a Texas Penal Facility or are a member of a Mexican Drug Cartel.

THERE'S NO NICE TERM FOR LOWER BACK TATTOOS





No 1 ........ ARSE ANTLERS


















No 2 ........ TRAMP STAMP
















No 3 ........ SLAG TAG

Thursday, September 15, 2011

COULD HE BE MORE SLEEEEEZY ?

Not even her position as the world's most powerful woman has prevented German Chancellor Angela Merkel from becoming the victim of playboy premier Silvio Berlusconi's sexist language.

The gaffe-prone tycoon has been overheard referring to the German leader as an "unfuckable lard-arse", according to wiretaps reported by Italian newspapers. The offensive remark is the latest in a string of embarrassing revelations involving the 74-year-old Prime Minister, who three years ago caused a diplomatic incident by describing US President Barack Obama as "suntanned".


So says 'God's gift to Pfizer'

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Burning Car Lifted Off Trapped Man

SO CLOSE I CAN ALMOST TASTE IT

HOLLYWOOD BROMANCE

Seems like Becks just has to buy every motorbike that his buddy Tom Cruise has, here he is on his very own special edition $90,000 F131 Hellcat Combat bike. They also have matching $72.500 Ducati Desmosedici RR's and have recently started the Midnight Boys Bike Club so they can enjoy sessions in the Hollywood Hills together.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

TODAYS JOKE



" Do you know how they separate the men from the boys in the US Navy ?

With a crowbar ! "


I'll get me mop !

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

It’s a hard life for former England left-back Wayne Bridge. Having been left out of Manchester City’s Champions League squad, he currently find himself in a football purgitory and has not played for the first team since last December.

Forced to train on his own, John Terry’s ex-mate must cut a rather lonely, if not tragic figure at City. However, the fact that he is picking up £90,000 a week (£4.7million a year) must ease the pain somewhat (as must his current relationship with Frankie from the Saturdays).




Thursday, September 8, 2011

ARSENAL HAVE FINALLY EARNED THEIR 1ST WIN OF THE SEASON

......... but it's not an on-pitch victory: the club has won a court case in Spain forcing the owner of a hat shop to change the name of her premises.


The Gunners have won their case against Seville resident Alicia Simon, who has now been told by the Spanish Patent and Trademark Office to change the name of her hat shop 'Arsenale'.

ALICIA STICKS TO HER GUNS
Simon registered the name of her shop before she even opened it in 2007 despite protestations from the club, but Arsenal's lawyers have been petitioning the Spanish authorities ever since, trying to convince them that she has infringed their trademark.

The stunned shopkeeper, who admits to having no knowledge of football, pointed out that her shop does not even share the same spelling or pronunciation as the English football club, and that it is a word which carries "more connotations of culture than sport".

But despite the apparent ridiculousness of their case, Arsenal have now successfully persuaded the Spanish authorities that there was a "risk of confusion" between the monolithic English football club and the tiny hat shop.

Simon named her shop after the Italian word 'arsenale', which was the name given to the shipbuilders' yards in medieval Pisa and Venice. Her premises are in Seville's Arenal de Sevilla district, where Seville's ancient shipyards were located - hence her choice of the name.

Simon has no intention of backing down, however: despite admitting that she feels in a 'David v Goliath' situation, she will not change the name of her shop and has already appealed the decision - thanks to a pair of friends who are lawyers - to a Madrid tribunal which will have the final say.

THE REAL PLANET OF THE APES

Amazing clip showing chimpanzees being allowed out for the first time after years of animal testing in an enclosed space


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Top Russian ice hockey club in air crash


An aircraft carrying the players of a top Russian ice hockey club crashed near Yaroslavl on Wednesday, killing at least 43 people including all but one of the team's players and fuelling further concerns about the safety of Russia’s aviation industry.


Wednesday’s crash came a day before President Dmitry Medvedev was due to address an international political forum in Yaroslavl, a plan that was in flux last night, according to the president’s spokeswoman. Vladimir Putin immediately sent Russia’s transportation minister to the scene, while Vladislav Surkov, the Kremlin’s deputy chief of staff and a master fixer, was also reported to be en route to the city.


Details were still emerging about the Yak-42 crash late on Wednesday, with Russian newswires reporting that the aircraft had been unable to reach cruising altitude. The weather in Yaroslavl had been clear and sunny. The aircraft was built in the 1990s.

Passengers included 37 members of Yaroslavl’s Lokomotiv hockey team, which had been on its way to a Kontinental Hockey League competition in Minsk, Belarus. Officials said one player, Alexander Galimov, and a crew member had survived the impact.

Lokomotiv Yaroslavl is a leading force in Russian hockey and came third in the league last year.

Friday, September 2, 2011