TEVEZ REWARDED WITH FOOD AND DRINK

CARLOS Tevez was rewarded for his two goals against Manchester United last night with an entire Targ carcass all to himself washed down with a barrel of Chech'tluth.
The Manchester City striker jumped up and down with excitement as his handlers tossed the still writhing animal into his cage just minutes after he had helped secure a vital Carling Cup semi-final win over his former club.

The Argentinian used his massive teeth and claws to tear chunks from the Targ as Man City coach Roberto Mancini reached through the bars and stroked his blood-soaked head.

Mancini said: "Carlos is a great asset to the club and just wants to play football, when he's not terrifying villagers and dismembering livestock by moonlight."

Meanwhile experts studying last night’s Manchester derby have discovered that conditions on and off the pitch combined to create the 'perfect storm' for a Ferguson enpurplement.

Analyst Tom Logan said: "Everything just at the right time. A hopeless referee and an ex-player scoring two controversial goals just days after the Glazers told him he would have to take in lodgers to help service the club's £500m debt.

"I will be amazed if Roland Emerich does not make a film about this."

In the past 120 years of professional football, only three matches have had the perfect collision of events necessary to make a manager reach maximum levels of testicle-rupturing fury.

The last occasion was in 1961 when 15 Ipswich Town players called in sick on a Saturday morning just hours after the manager’s wife had left him and he dropped his pipe down a drain.


United did win the 2nd leg and went through , Tevez scored a goal in the 2nd leg .