“ Children need encouragement . If a kid gets an answer right , tell him it was a lucky guess . That way he develops a good , lucky feeling .”
Monday, May 31, 2010
JACK HANDEY QUOTE OF THE DAY
“ Children need encouragement . If a kid gets an answer right , tell him it was a lucky guess . That way he develops a good , lucky feeling .”
WORD on the STREET with PATRICK TRUEMAN
" The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished ...... mon ".
TODAY'S TOP TIP
BASEBALL CAP MANUFACTURERS : Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the back.
AMAZING (untrue) FACTS
If a cross eyed person or a cross eyed member of any species for that matter tries to cross their eyes ......... it results in them looking quite normal .We have tried this on a member of our own staff [who shall remain nameless] and its an Amazing (untrue) fact.
The truth behind what's inside hot dogs
Hamburg - Whether you call 
it a frankfurter, hot dog or wiener it's a cooked sausage and a year-round favorite. They can be made from beef, pork, turkey, chicken, or a combination- the label must state which. But does it always? What exactly is the ingredient MSM?
Planning on tossing some hot dogs on the grill for the holiday weekend cookout? Are you wondering whats in that frankfurter you're going to feed to the kids? Curious about how sausages are made? Take a look inside a wiener manufacturing plant and the slaughterhouses those 'meat trimmings' arrive from that are used to make those delicious grilled favorites you've been eating since you were a child. So what is this all-American fare made from?
SICK BAGS AVAILABLE HERE ---- >>
According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council:
"All hot dogs are cured and cooked sausages that consist of mainly pork, beef, chicken and turkey or a combination of meat and poultry. Meats used in hot dogs come from the muscle of the animal and looks much like what you buy in the grocer's case. Other ingredients include water, curing agents and spices, such as garlic, salt, sugar, ground mustard, nutmeg, coriander and white pepper."
However, there are a couple of things they don't talk much about- Like "Variety meats," which include things like liver, kidneys and hearts, may be used in processed meats like hot dogs, but the U.S. Department of Agriculture requires that they be disclosed on the ingredient label as "with variety meats" or "with meat by-products."
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY Y'ALL
it a frankfurter, hot dog or wiener it's a cooked sausage and a year-round favorite. They can be made from beef, pork, turkey, chicken, or a combination- the label must state which. But does it always? What exactly is the ingredient MSM?Planning on tossing some hot dogs on the grill for the holiday weekend cookout? Are you wondering whats in that frankfurter you're going to feed to the kids? Curious about how sausages are made? Take a look inside a wiener manufacturing plant and the slaughterhouses those 'meat trimmings' arrive from that are used to make those delicious grilled favorites you've been eating since you were a child. So what is this all-American fare made from?
SICK BAGS AVAILABLE HERE ---- >>
According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council:
"All hot dogs are cured and cooked sausages that consist of mainly pork, beef, chicken and turkey or a combination of meat and poultry. Meats used in hot dogs come from the muscle of the animal and looks much like what you buy in the grocer's case. Other ingredients include water, curing agents and spices, such as garlic, salt, sugar, ground mustard, nutmeg, coriander and white pepper."
However, there are a couple of things they don't talk much about- Like "Variety meats," which include things like liver, kidneys and hearts, may be used in processed meats like hot dogs, but the U.S. Department of Agriculture requires that they be disclosed on the ingredient label as "with variety meats" or "with meat by-products."
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY Y'ALL
AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS .................
A redneck was
stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '
' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '
' Pet fish? '
' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '
' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '
' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '
' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.
The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '
' Call who back? '
' The FISH ' , replied the warden!
' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing.The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '
' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '
' Pet fish? '
' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '
' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '
' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '
' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.
The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '
' Call who back? '
' The FISH ' , replied the warden!
' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
Nearly 29,000 people deactivating accounts on Quit Facebook Day
Toronto - The same day Americans everywhere remember the fallen on Memorial Day is the same day thousands of people plan to deactivate their Facebook account on Quit Facebook Day.
Nearly everybody you meet uses Facebook and some might consider you weird or out of the loop if you don’t have a Facebook account. But recent actions by Facebook led to the creation of Quit Facebook Day.
It was reported that founder Mark Zuckerberg called the first few thousand users of the website “dumbf**cks.” Facebook has also been in the media about concerns over its security settings.
Quit Facebook Day was created by two Torontonians: Joseph Dee, a web technologist, and Matthew Milan, a partner at Normative Design. According to PC World, Milan tweeted, “I personally never expected high numbers [for Quit Facebook Day]. But something doesn't have to be viral to be successful.”
The website states that they care and are concerned about the future of the World Wide Web and feel Facebook will not have any positive impact on the future of the Internet, “so we’re leaving.”
Exactly 28,682 people have committed to leaving Facebook but it’s unclear if they will actually deactivate their account due to its importance in social circles.
The Globe and Mail reports that there have been numerous attempts by many people to quit social media networking. In 2008 and 2009, Jeffrey Sass set up a blog called 28 Digital Days and then established a 140-step to quit social media.
Pakistan lifts ban on Facebook
Bloomberg reports that a Pakistani court has lifted a restriction that saw Facebook banned in the country for the past 12 days.
Pakistan blocked the world's most popular social networking website, Facebook, on May 19, after a user on the service created a page asking other Facebook users to draw their version of Muhammad, the Prophet of Islam.
Late today however, Bloomberg reported that the U.S. special envoy for Afghanistan and Pakistan, Richard Holbrooke, had "spoken" to Facebook who had assured him that no "blasphemous" material would be available to Pakistani visitors.
The news comes following the unblocking of YouTube in the country on May 27, which was blocked a day after the ban on Facebook was imposed.
Facebook unveils new one-click privacy settings
Facebook has today unveiled new, simplified privacy settings changes which it hopes will ease pressure regarding user privacy controversies on the social networking site.
In a media event held earlier today, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed the changes will be rolled out in "the next few weeks", and that the company has sought to simplify user privacy settings following a severe backlash in recent weeks.
The update comes just days before the first official "quit Facebook day", which will see up to 30,000 Facebook users delete their Facebook account in response to the recent privacy uproar.
Nearly everybody you meet uses Facebook and some might consider you weird or out of the loop if you don’t have a Facebook account. But recent actions by Facebook led to the creation of Quit Facebook Day.
It was reported that founder Mark Zuckerberg called the first few thousand users of the website “dumbf**cks.” Facebook has also been in the media about concerns over its security settings.
Quit Facebook Day was created by two Torontonians: Joseph Dee, a web technologist, and Matthew Milan, a partner at Normative Design. According to PC World, Milan tweeted, “I personally never expected high numbers [for Quit Facebook Day]. But something doesn't have to be viral to be successful.”
The website states that they care and are concerned about the future of the World Wide Web and feel Facebook will not have any positive impact on the future of the Internet, “so we’re leaving.”
Exactly 28,682 people have committed to leaving Facebook but it’s unclear if they will actually deactivate their account due to its importance in social circles.
The Globe and Mail reports that there have been numerous attempts by many people to quit social media networking. In 2008 and 2009, Jeffrey Sass set up a blog called 28 Digital Days and then established a 140-step to quit social media.
Pakistan lifts ban on Facebook
Bloomberg reports that a Pakistani court has lifted a restriction that saw Facebook banned in the country for the past 12 days.
Pakistan blocked the world's most popular social networking website, Facebook, on May 19, after a user on the service created a page asking other Facebook users to draw their version of Muhammad, the Prophet of Islam.
Late today however, Bloomberg reported that the U.S. special envoy for Afghanistan and Pakistan, Richard Holbrooke, had "spoken" to Facebook who had assured him that no "blasphemous" material would be available to Pakistani visitors.
The news comes following the unblocking of YouTube in the country on May 27, which was blocked a day after the ban on Facebook was imposed.
Facebook unveils new one-click privacy settings
Facebook has today unveiled new, simplified privacy settings changes which it hopes will ease pressure regarding user privacy controversies on the social networking site.
In a media event held earlier today, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed the changes will be rolled out in "the next few weeks", and that the company has sought to simplify user privacy settings following a severe backlash in recent weeks.
The update comes just days before the first official "quit Facebook day", which will see up to 30,000 Facebook users delete their Facebook account in response to the recent privacy uproar.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
TODAY'S TOP TIP
HUSBANDS : Tired of sleeping with the same wife ? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb , and Hey Presto ! She'll feel like someone else's wife.
JACK HANDEY QUOTE OF THE DAY
“ Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead . No , wait , not me , you.”
Saturday, May 29, 2010
RIP DENNIS HOPPER
Dennis Lee Hopper (May 17, 1936 - May 29, 2010) was an American actor, filmmaker and artist.The actor starred in such classic movies as Rebel Without a Cause (1955) , Giant (1956) , Easy Rider (1969) (Director) , Apocalypse Now (1979) and Waterworld (1995).
RIDE EASY DENNIS
OUCH !
Gone are
the days when bullies merely gave wedgies. The newest fad in schoolyard violence? A quick slap to the testicles.
In the game of "sack tapping" or "ball tapping," as it is called, a boy will try to slap or flick the groin of another boy to inflict discomfort or pain.
The "game" has gotten out of hand, however, according to Dr. Scott Wheeler, a pediatric urologist in Minnesota.
In recent years he's seen an increasing number of young boys coming in with serious damage to the testicles because of a "tap" that hit too hard.
"For some reason, [this game] is popular," Wheeler says. "It's not just bullies, it's kids doing it to their friends. It's rare that bullies target the testicles, they just beat up people."
the days when bullies merely gave wedgies. The newest fad in schoolyard violence? A quick slap to the testicles.In the game of "sack tapping" or "ball tapping," as it is called, a boy will try to slap or flick the groin of another boy to inflict discomfort or pain.
The "game" has gotten out of hand, however, according to Dr. Scott Wheeler, a pediatric urologist in Minnesota.
In recent years he's seen an increasing number of young boys coming in with serious damage to the testicles because of a "tap" that hit too hard.
"For some reason, [this game] is popular," Wheeler says. "It's not just bullies, it's kids doing it to their friends. It's rare that bullies target the testicles, they just beat up people."
JACK HANDEY QUOTE OF THE DAY
“ When I found the skull in the woods , the first thing I did was call the police . But then I got curious about it . I picked it up , and started wondering who this person was , and why he had deer horns .”
A BIT OF MOLEARCHY
What happened to Sarah Jessica Parker's famous mole? Photos show it disappeared from her chin sometime during the summer of 2008 after she filmed the first 'Sex and the City' movie.
Parker told David Letterman on his Late Night chat show that she had it removed by her plastic surgeon brother-in-law. It was no biggie, she said.
"I didn't have strong feelings," she said. "I didn't object to it. I just didn't care for it. And I had about six free days when I could be bloody and stabbed and no one will care and honestly I didn't think a thing about it and then apparently it turned into mole-gate."
A statement to the media later read " I'm better off without the useless lump " ........... said the mole .
Parker told David Letterman on his Late Night chat show that she had it removed by her plastic surgeon brother-in-law. It was no biggie, she said.
"I didn't have strong feelings," she said. "I didn't object to it. I just didn't care for it. And I had about six free days when I could be bloody and stabbed and no one will care and honestly I didn't think a thing about it and then apparently it turned into mole-gate."
A statement to the media later read " I'm better off without the useless lump " ........... said the mole .
AMAZING (untrue) FACTS
Christine Baranski who plays Cybill Shepherd's hard-drinking friend Maryanne Thorpe in the CBS sitcom Cybill is in fact the mother of actor Kevin Bacon.
TODAY'S TOP TIP
MOTORISTS : Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.
Athletic Pubalgia
Athletic pubalgia, also called the sportman's hernia or sports hernia, Gilmore's groin or groin disruption, is a medical condition of the groin affecting athletes. Jerry Gilmore recognized the syndrome in 1980 and developed a surgical repair technique.
It is
a syndrome characterized by chronic groin pain in athletes and a dilated superficial ring of the inguinal canal. Soccer and ice hockey players are affected most frequently, and both recreational and professional athletes may be affected. A hernia cannot be found on physical examination or medical imaging, and is not revealed during surgery. The term hernia thus is a misnomer, but has persisted, as surgical reconstructions similar to those performed for inguinal hernias are often effective for "sports hernias" as well.
This condition has been linked with Kaká of Real Madrid and to a lesser extent to Fernando Torres of Liverpool FC , both of whom had an on/off season in 2009/2010 .
It is also believed that AC Milan knew about this condition when they sold Kaká to Real Madrid last summer for close to €70m . Some experts think that this is the reason that Real Madrid could be left with a €70m turkey come the end of the summer .
'It was a tough season for me,' Kaká said. 'But there is a lot of time until the World Cup for me to get ready. We have examples of players who were not physically fit going into the World Cup but eventually played well, so it's not a concern.' The 28-year-old Kaka was sidelined for 45 days at one point and played sparingly with Real Madrid when he returned to action.
The playmaker is expected to be one of Brazil's main leaders in this year's World Cup, along with Robinho and veteran defenders Juan and Lucio.
It is
a syndrome characterized by chronic groin pain in athletes and a dilated superficial ring of the inguinal canal. Soccer and ice hockey players are affected most frequently, and both recreational and professional athletes may be affected. A hernia cannot be found on physical examination or medical imaging, and is not revealed during surgery. The term hernia thus is a misnomer, but has persisted, as surgical reconstructions similar to those performed for inguinal hernias are often effective for "sports hernias" as well.This condition has been linked with Kaká of Real Madrid and to a lesser extent to Fernando Torres of Liverpool FC , both of whom had an on/off season in 2009/2010 .
It is also believed that AC Milan knew about this condition when they sold Kaká to Real Madrid last summer for close to €70m . Some experts think that this is the reason that Real Madrid could be left with a €70m turkey come the end of the summer .
'It was a tough season for me,' Kaká said. 'But there is a lot of time until the World Cup for me to get ready. We have examples of players who were not physically fit going into the World Cup but eventually played well, so it's not a concern.' The 28-year-old Kaka was sidelined for 45 days at one point and played sparingly with Real Madrid when he returned to action.
The playmaker is expected to be one of Brazil's main leaders in this year's World Cup, along with Robinho and veteran defenders Juan and Lucio.
Silly Oirish Joke
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly three months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl! The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother! He's a clueless gob-shoite!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother is totally relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew".
After being in the coma for nearly three months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl! The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother! He's a clueless gob-shoite!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother is totally relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew".
Friday, May 28, 2010
These Golden Books Are Not For Children
Most, if not all of you, will at some stage of your life been read to from a Golden Book. They're a childhood staple. But what if there were Golden Books that, uh, weren't exactly suitable for the little ones?
They'd look like these! Josh Cooley, an artist at Pixar, has been whipping these up in his spare time for the past two years, and they're amazing. Most are pretty self-explanatory - and if I have to tell you the movie, you won't get the joke - but if you're finding yourself lost by most of them, you might want to catch up on your 70's movies. Maybe start with Apocalypse Now and The Graduate.
They'd look like these! Josh Cooley, an artist at Pixar, has been whipping these up in his spare time for the past two years, and they're amazing. Most are pretty self-explanatory - and if I have to tell you the movie, you won't get the joke - but if you're finding yourself lost by most of them, you might want to catch up on your 70's movies. Maybe start with Apocalypse Now and The Graduate.
Diff'rent Strokes Star Gary Coleman Dies at 42
Gary Coleman, who by 
age 11 had skyrocketed to become TV's brightest star but as an adult could never quite land on solid footing, has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. He was 42.
As Arnold Jackson, the plucky Harlem boy adopted into a wealthy white household on Diff'rent Strokes from 1978-86 – with his much-mimicked catchphrase of, "What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" – Coleman was pulling down as much as $100,000 per episode, though it was later reported that three-quarters of ended up being shelled out to his parents, advisers, lawyers and the IRS.
As has been chronicled, the three children on the series grew up into troubled lives. Dana Plato, 34, died of a drug overdose in 1999. (Plato's son, Tyler Lambert, never came to terms with his mother's death, and committed suicide on May 6, 2010. He was 25.)
The show's Willis, actor Todd Bridges, now 45, was first arrested in 1994 after allegedly ramming someone's car during an argument, He also has owned up to serious drug habit, which he struggled to beat.
age 11 had skyrocketed to become TV's brightest star but as an adult could never quite land on solid footing, has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. He was 42. As Arnold Jackson, the plucky Harlem boy adopted into a wealthy white household on Diff'rent Strokes from 1978-86 – with his much-mimicked catchphrase of, "What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" – Coleman was pulling down as much as $100,000 per episode, though it was later reported that three-quarters of ended up being shelled out to his parents, advisers, lawyers and the IRS.
As has been chronicled, the three children on the series grew up into troubled lives. Dana Plato, 34, died of a drug overdose in 1999. (Plato's son, Tyler Lambert, never came to terms with his mother's death, and committed suicide on May 6, 2010. He was 25.)
The show's Willis, actor Todd Bridges, now 45, was first arrested in 1994 after allegedly ramming someone's car during an argument, He also has owned up to serious drug habit, which he struggled to beat.
EUROVISION SONG CONTEST 2010
Last night saw the second Eurovision Song Contest semifinal, held in Oslo, Norway, in which the last ten countries qualified for Saturday’s final in the same city.
Eastern Europe demonstrated that it continues to send excellent artists to the popular musical extravaganza, with Armenia, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Romania, Turkey and Ukraine all qualifying for Saturday’s final. Cyprus, Denmark, Ireland and Israel also went through.
In total, 25 nations will compete in the final of one of the world’s most popular and most watched events. The first semifinal – which took place in Oslo on Tuesday – saw ten countries go through. The winning entries were from Albania, Belarus, Belgium, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Iceland, Moldova, Portugal, Russia and Serbia.
The other five countries are Britain, France, Germany, Spain – who are guaranteed a place in the final by virtue of their funding the event – and the host country, Norway, which as the winner of last year’s contest, with Alexander Rybak’s folk-inspired ballad “Fairytale”, is also guaranteed a place.
The annual contest is watched by an estimated world television
audience of more than 100 million people, and the winner gets to host the event the following year. For the first time, the voting for the Eurovision semifinals and final carried out by a 50–50 combination of the public from across Europe and specialist judges.
Each semifinal chose from a shortlist of 17 countries.
JACK HANDEY QUOTE OF THE DAY
“ To me , it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around . That way , if anybody says , Hey , can you give me a hand ? You can say , Sorry , got these sacks ".
TODAY'S TOP TIP
DON'T WORRY : if your kitchen smells of farts when you're boiling eggs. Simply eat the eggs and do a fart. Hey, presto. Your kitchen will smell of eggs again.
WORDS OF WISDOM
If you are ever in a poisition where a fight is inevitable, be chivalrous and say "ok but not here" point at a nearby open space, wait for matey to turn around then jump on them and start swinging like a chimp at a shit throwing party.
Remember , it's better to be convicted by 12 than carried by 6.
Sex and the City 2
Carrie Bradshaw: At the end of the first SATC movie (2008)—after eleventy decades of chasing his emotionally abusive jowls through the streets of Manhattan—Carrie finally marries Mr. Big, the man of her shallow, self-obsessed dreams. It has now been two years since their nuptials. Carrie already hates it. She hates that he sits on the couch. She hates that he eats noodles out of a take-out box. She hates that he wants to spend quality time with her in their incredibly expensive and gaudy apartment. She hates that he bought her an enormous television. When Big suggests that they spend a couple of days a week in separate apartments (they own TWO apartments, because life is hard!), Carrie screeches, "Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?" Congratulations. You have answered your own question.
Miranda Redhairlawyerface: Miranda is a lawyer who has red hair. She also has a child. As a working woman, Miranda is forced to miss every single one of her child's incessant science fairs (as though children know anything of science!). Also, her lawyer boss is a cartoon dick. Miranda quits her job, and everyone is much happier. This is because women should not work. It is terrible for the children.
Charlotte Goldsteinjewyjewsomethingsomethingblatt: Life for Charlotte is unbelievably difficult. As a wealthy stay-at-home mom with two children and a live-in, full-time nanny, she sometimes has to bake cupcakes! Also, one time her little child got finger paint on a piece of vintage cloth. Therefore, Charlotte cannot stop crying. "How do the women without help do it?" Charlotte (crying) asks Miranda. "I have no fucking idea," Miranda replies. Then they toast their disgusting glasses of pink syrup. To "them." To the "women without help." "If I wasn't rich, I'd definitely just kill myself right away with a knife!" says everyone in this movie without having to actually say it. Clink!
What is the lubrication level of Samantha Jones's 52-year-old vagina? Has the change of life dulled its sparkle? Do its aged and withered depths finally chafe from the endless pounding, pounding, pounding—cruel phallic penance demanded by the emotionally barren sexual compulsive from which it hangs? If I do not receive an update on the deep, gray caverns of Jones, I shall surely die!
Please don't die. The answer is... fine. Samantha's vagina is doing fine. She rubs yams on it, okay? She takes 48 vagina vitamins a day. It accepts unlimited male penises with the greatest of ease. Now let us never speak of it again.
In order to escape their various imaginary problems, our intrepid foursome traipses off to dark, exotic Abu Dhabi ("I've always been fascinated by the Middle East—desert moons, Scheherazade, magic carpets!"). When they arrive, Carrie, because she is a professional writer, announces, "Oh, Toto—I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" Each woman is immediately assigned an extra from Disney's Aladdin to spoon-feed her warm cinnamon milk in their $22,000-per-night hotel suite. Things seem to be going great. But very quickly, the SATC brain trust notices that it's not all swarthy man-slaves and flying carpets in Abu Dhabi! In fact, Abu Dhabi is crawling with Muslim women—and not one of them is dressed like a super-liberated diamond-encrusted fucking clown!!! Oppression! OPPRESSION!!!
This will not stand. Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs "Lawrence of My-Labia." When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, "I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!" Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square.
At sexism's funeral (which takes place in a mysterious, incense-shrouded chamber of international sisterhood), the women of Abu Dhabi remove their black robes and veils to reveal—this is not a joke—the same hideous, disposable, criminally expensive shreds of cloth and feathers that hang from Carrie et al.'s emaciated goblin shoulders. Muslim women: Under those craaaaaaay-zy robes, they're just as vapid and obsessed with physical beauty and meaningless material concerns as us! Feminism! Fuck yeah!
JUST TO ROUND OFF WITH A SARAH JESSICA PARKER JOKE
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar ...... she clearly isn't getting any better at Show-jumping .
Miranda Redhairlawyerface: Miranda is a lawyer who has red hair. She also has a child. As a working woman, Miranda is forced to miss every single one of her child's incessant science fairs (as though children know anything of science!). Also, her lawyer boss is a cartoon dick. Miranda quits her job, and everyone is much happier. This is because women should not work. It is terrible for the children.
Charlotte Goldsteinjewyjewsomethingsomethingblatt: Life for Charlotte is unbelievably difficult. As a wealthy stay-at-home mom with two children and a live-in, full-time nanny, she sometimes has to bake cupcakes! Also, one time her little child got finger paint on a piece of vintage cloth. Therefore, Charlotte cannot stop crying. "How do the women without help do it?" Charlotte (crying) asks Miranda. "I have no fucking idea," Miranda replies. Then they toast their disgusting glasses of pink syrup. To "them." To the "women without help." "If I wasn't rich, I'd definitely just kill myself right away with a knife!" says everyone in this movie without having to actually say it. Clink!
What is the lubrication level of Samantha Jones's 52-year-old vagina? Has the change of life dulled its sparkle? Do its aged and withered depths finally chafe from the endless pounding, pounding, pounding—cruel phallic penance demanded by the emotionally barren sexual compulsive from which it hangs? If I do not receive an update on the deep, gray caverns of Jones, I shall surely die!
Please don't die. The answer is... fine. Samantha's vagina is doing fine. She rubs yams on it, okay? She takes 48 vagina vitamins a day. It accepts unlimited male penises with the greatest of ease. Now let us never speak of it again.
In order to escape their various imaginary problems, our intrepid foursome traipses off to dark, exotic Abu Dhabi ("I've always been fascinated by the Middle East—desert moons, Scheherazade, magic carpets!"). When they arrive, Carrie, because she is a professional writer, announces, "Oh, Toto—I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" Each woman is immediately assigned an extra from Disney's Aladdin to spoon-feed her warm cinnamon milk in their $22,000-per-night hotel suite. Things seem to be going great. But very quickly, the SATC brain trust notices that it's not all swarthy man-slaves and flying carpets in Abu Dhabi! In fact, Abu Dhabi is crawling with Muslim women—and not one of them is dressed like a super-liberated diamond-encrusted fucking clown!!! Oppression! OPPRESSION!!!
This will not stand. Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs "Lawrence of My-Labia." When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, "I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!" Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square.
At sexism's funeral (which takes place in a mysterious, incense-shrouded chamber of international sisterhood), the women of Abu Dhabi remove their black robes and veils to reveal—this is not a joke—the same hideous, disposable, criminally expensive shreds of cloth and feathers that hang from Carrie et al.'s emaciated goblin shoulders. Muslim women: Under those craaaaaaay-zy robes, they're just as vapid and obsessed with physical beauty and meaningless material concerns as us! Feminism! Fuck yeah!
JUST TO ROUND OFF WITH A SARAH JESSICA PARKER JOKE
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar ...... she clearly isn't getting any better at Show-jumping .
The £10m Gladiators:
Wayne Rooney will join Cesc Fabregas, Didier Drogba, Steven Gerrard, David Villa and Cristiano Ronaldo on Saturday, July 17 [thats 6 days after the World Cup Final in Johannesburg] at the O2 Arena competing against them in five different skill sets.
The two highest points scorers will progress to a dramatic final test of their abilities. Each player is said to be earning in the region of £500,000.
Ten million pounds has been spent on securing the six players and kitting out the arena with all the necessary lights and pyrotechnics as organisers attempt to produce a footballing equivalent of Cirque Du Soleil.
'Aura Entertainment is delighted to confirm that Wayne Rooney will be the sixth competitor in the inaugural A:3K Football event at the O2 Arena in July,' said director Terry Byrne, who is David Beckham's former agent.
'He will join Cristiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba, Cesc Fabregas, Steven Gerrard and David Villa in a competition that will pit their individual skills directly against each other and test them to the very limit.'
The five challenges will test each player's power, control, precision, attacking flair and ability to curve the ball.
Power will see a speed gun measure how hard the players can strike a ball; control will see them have to pull down a ball shot out of a cannon and volley it towards goal - a la Paul Scholes; for precision the contenders will have to hit a central target from far away, as if delivering a pinpoint corner or free kick; attack will see the six stand in a circle, protecting a goal each and try to score with just two balls between them; and the curve test will be right up Ronaldo's street, a test which sees them try to bend a free-kick around a wall.
The six will be scored on each task and the top two overall will progress to the showdown final.
The event will not cost a fortune to attend. Tickets for the two-anda- half hour show start at £35 but if that is a bit out of your reach, ITV will be showing it all at prime time a few days later.
The two highest points scorers will progress to a dramatic final test of their abilities. Each player is said to be earning in the region of £500,000.
Ten million pounds has been spent on securing the six players and kitting out the arena with all the necessary lights and pyrotechnics as organisers attempt to produce a footballing equivalent of Cirque Du Soleil.
'Aura Entertainment is delighted to confirm that Wayne Rooney will be the sixth competitor in the inaugural A:3K Football event at the O2 Arena in July,' said director Terry Byrne, who is David Beckham's former agent.
'He will join Cristiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba, Cesc Fabregas, Steven Gerrard and David Villa in a competition that will pit their individual skills directly against each other and test them to the very limit.'
The five challenges will test each player's power, control, precision, attacking flair and ability to curve the ball.
Power will see a speed gun measure how hard the players can strike a ball; control will see them have to pull down a ball shot out of a cannon and volley it towards goal - a la Paul Scholes; for precision the contenders will have to hit a central target from far away, as if delivering a pinpoint corner or free kick; attack will see the six stand in a circle, protecting a goal each and try to score with just two balls between them; and the curve test will be right up Ronaldo's street, a test which sees them try to bend a free-kick around a wall.
The six will be scored on each task and the top two overall will progress to the showdown final.
The event will not cost a fortune to attend. Tickets for the two-anda- half hour show start at £35 but if that is a bit out of your reach, ITV will be showing it all at prime time a few days later.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
TODAY'S TOP TIP
POWER COMPANIES : After a blackout, wait until midnight before turning on the power again. That way , everybody's alarm clocks , video and DVD players will be automatically re-set.
BELIEVE IT OR DONT
There is a myth that Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot ........ this is untrue .... she had 10 toes .
US woman Bobbi Ann Finley marries 11 soldiers, steals their life savings
US police have stepped up their hunt for a woman accused of marrying 11 servicemen so she could steal their life savings.
The army has hired a special investigator to track down Bobbi Ann Finley, who is wanted in three US states over love cons dating back to 1993.
She has reportedly had nine children by the men she has duped, with many of the soldiers unaware they have a child.
She has used at least 19 aliases as well as several different social security numbers to help her get away with the scam.
Authorities say Finley has perfected her cruel scam of wooing the serviceman and swindling them of their money.
She allegedly targets lonely soldiers at army bases who are about to be deployed overseas.
Finley tells the men she is the daughter of a high-ranking general and can only claim her substantial inheritance once she gets married.
After a whirlwind courtship, the con artist presses the men to get married.
Police say Finley waits until the men are overseas on deployment before running up monster credit card bills, writing false cheques and fleeing town.
One of the men, Shane Cheeseman, told US television he was devastated after learning Finley had conned him.
“I got married on a Monday, and that following weekend she was gone,” he said.
Police believe Finley has changed her surname several times to avoid capture.
She was last seen in July last year when she was arrested for making a false statement to police.
WORDS OF WISDOM
Never trust a man that ...... left alone with a tea cosy , doesn't put it on his head .
JACK HANDEY QUOTE OF THE DAY
“ There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves .”
50 Cent Loses A LOT Of Weight, Looks Emaciated
50 Cent has lost a shocking amount of weight for his upcoming movie 'Things Fall Apart,' in which he plays a cancer-ridden football player.
According to ThisIs50.com, he dropped from 214 pounds to 160 over the course of just nine weeks with a liquid diet and working out three hours a day.
"I was starving." Now he's back on tour and says, "I've been eating. I'll be back in shape in no time!"
50 is co-producing the film with Randall Emmett, his partner in Cheetah Vision Films.
According to ThisIs50.com, he dropped from 214 pounds to 160 over the course of just nine weeks with a liquid diet and working out three hours a day.
"I was starving." Now he's back on tour and says, "I've been eating. I'll be back in shape in no time!"
50 is co-producing the film with Randall Emmett, his partner in Cheetah Vision Films.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
EFFIN' POLITICIANS
Because of a precedent set in 1947, a member of the Irish parliament will not be punished for shouting "f*** you" at an opposing political member.
Paul Gogarty of the Green Party swore twice at opposition Labour Party member Emmet Stagg during a rant in the lower house of parliament last December. He then immediately apologized for his "unparliamentary language."
According to Sky News, Gogarty started swearing after being heckled by Emmet Stagg for "bleating and blathering" in a debate on welfare cuts. Gogarty was asking Stagg for the same respect as he had been shown, but Stagg continued being rude, provoking Gogarty to shout "f*** you."
The YouTube video captures Gogarty saying: "With all due respect, in the most unparliamentary language, f*** you Deputy Stagg. F*** you."
But the committee decided to take the same course of action as was taken in a similar incident in 1947. After those involved in the prior incident apologized and continued to carry on reasonably, the matter was considered resolved.
Paul Gogarty of the Green Party swore twice at opposition Labour Party member Emmet Stagg during a rant in the lower house of parliament last December. He then immediately apologized for his "unparliamentary language."
According to Sky News, Gogarty started swearing after being heckled by Emmet Stagg for "bleating and blathering" in a debate on welfare cuts. Gogarty was asking Stagg for the same respect as he had been shown, but Stagg continued being rude, provoking Gogarty to shout "f*** you."
The YouTube video captures Gogarty saying: "With all due respect, in the most unparliamentary language, f*** you Deputy Stagg. F*** you."
But the committee decided to take the same course of action as was taken in a similar incident in 1947. After those involved in the prior incident apologized and continued to carry on reasonably, the matter was considered resolved.
Gambling website takes bets on Gulf oil spill related extinctions
Ireland largest bookmaker PaddyPower offers betting on the species that will first become extinct as a result of the oil spill of British Petroleum plc in the Gulf of Mexico.
The on-line gambling site PaddyPower.com, under its Novelty Bets category called BP Special – "First to become extinct", takes bets on the species that may first dissapear because of the devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Several species are listed as most likely to become extinct. Currently, after about 50 bets received, the odds indicate that the Kemp's Ridley turtle (Lepidochelys kempii), a critically endangered species that migrates to the Gulf at this time of year, would go first. The turtle's range includes the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico and relies on the affected region as its sole breeding ground.
Listed as second most likely to become extinct is the Atlantic bluefin tuna (Thunnus thynnus). Bluefin tuna populations are already at risk because of overfishing in international waters. The species encounter fishing hooks while migrating across the Atlantic to spawn in the Gulf of Mexico, and now the oil spill threatens to kill those that make it this far. Furthermore, marine biologists have warned that the bluerfin tuna are at risk not only from oil but also from oil dispersants.
Other
gulf species like The White Shrimp are getting help from some unexpected sources [ok this part isn't true , but it's a nice pic]
The on-line gambling site PaddyPower.com, under its Novelty Bets category called BP Special – "First to become extinct", takes bets on the species that may first dissapear because of the devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Several species are listed as most likely to become extinct. Currently, after about 50 bets received, the odds indicate that the Kemp's Ridley turtle (Lepidochelys kempii), a critically endangered species that migrates to the Gulf at this time of year, would go first. The turtle's range includes the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico and relies on the affected region as its sole breeding ground.
Listed as second most likely to become extinct is the Atlantic bluefin tuna (Thunnus thynnus). Bluefin tuna populations are already at risk because of overfishing in international waters. The species encounter fishing hooks while migrating across the Atlantic to spawn in the Gulf of Mexico, and now the oil spill threatens to kill those that make it this far. Furthermore, marine biologists have warned that the bluerfin tuna are at risk not only from oil but also from oil dispersants.
Other
gulf species like The White Shrimp are getting help from some unexpected sources [ok this part isn't true , but it's a nice pic]
JACK HANDEY QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside . I knew what was coming . " You don't have to tell me ," I said . " I'm off the team, aren't I ?" "Well ," said Coach , " you never were really ON the team . You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels , and your helmet is a toy space helmet . You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back , or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times ." It was all true what he was saying . And yet , I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me , some kind of raw talent that he can mold . But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on .”
LOOKS LIKE THE MAGNIFICENT 7 ARE BACK ... OR IS THAT THE DIRTY DOZEN ?
THIS TIME THEY INCLUDE ...... SYLVESTER STALLONE , JASON STATHAM , JET LI , MICKEY ROURKE , DOLPH LUNDGREN , STEVE AUSTIN AND RANDY COUTURE .
NOT ENOUGH ? ...... OH ALRIGHT THEN
HOW 'BOUT ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER , BRUCE WILLIS , GARY DANIELS , ERIC ROBERTS , TERRY CREWS AND CHARISMA CARPENTER .
The Expendables is an upcoming ensemble action film written by Dave Callaham and Sylvester Stallone, and directed by Stallone. Filming began on March 28, 2009, in Rio de Janeiro, New Orleans, and Los Angeles and is expected to be released on August 13, 2010. The film pays tribute to the blockbuster action films of the 1980s and early '90s, and stars an array of action veterans from those decades (such as Stallone himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, and Jet Li) as well as more recent action stars such as Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
An assembly of hired guns are sent on a mission to a South American country, with the objective to overturn the cold-blooded despot in charge. As the mission begins, the mercenaries discover that the situation is not as it appears. The men find themselves trapped in a deadly game of deception with a traitor among their ranks.
Jean-Claude Van Damme was personally offered a role by Stallone, but turned it down because he felt there was no substance to his character [still looking for an Oscar role no doubt] This reportedly led to Dolph Lundgren being cast instead although it is not confirmed whether it was the same part. The role accepted by Forest Whitaker was originally conceived as a role for Stallone's Demolition Man co-star Wesley Snipes but later rewritten for Whitaker. Due to a scheduling conflict prior to filming, Whitaker was replaced by 50 Cent for the role of Hale Caesar. He was then replaced by former NFL player Terry Crews.
Steven Seagal was asked to play a cameo role, but turned down the offer due to negative experiences with producer Avi Lerner. Actor Danny Trejo was rumored to play Emmanuel, but on June 15, he revealed that he was not cast for the role. Instead, both are in the works for Robert Rodriguez's Machete.
On May 29, 2009, the script underwent a few re-writes which ultimately excluded Brittany Murphy's character, which would have been necessary months later due to the actress's death. Liam Hemsworth was also written out. Stallone's Demolition Man co-star Sandra Bullock was rumored to have a role in the film, but revealed that she did not even know about the project. Despite the news, she did express interests in working in another action film and would have liked to appear in the film depending on the storyline.
The role of the man who hires the Expendables, Mr. Church, was very difficult to cast. Initially offered to Schwarzenegger, he declined in favor of a smaller cameo due to his political career. The role was then offered to Kurt Russell whose agent replied that he was not interested in "ensemble acting at the moment." Stallone spent several months after principal photography determined to find a big action name for the part. Rumors suggested that the role had been offered to friend and fellow former Planet Hollywood co-owner Bruce Willis, who was busy filming Cop Out. Willis finally confirmed on August 17, that he would play Mr. Church and that his scene would feature himself, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
On October 26, Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger shot their scene in the Hollywood Presbyterian church in Los Angeles, marking the first time all three have appeared together on screen.
BELIEVE IT OR DONT
Bill Murray (Bruce Wayne In Batman) - Murray was one of the frontrunners to play the Caped Crusader when the studio originally wanted to create a big screen replica of the 1960s TV version starring Adam West. Bill was eventually removed from consideration once director Tim Burton took the helm of the movie and brought Beetlejuice with him.
TODAY'S TOP TIP
DAYTIME TV VIEWERS :.Want to win those phone-in prizes ? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.
MOVIES TO WATCH
Gandhi is a 1982 biographical film based on the life of Mahatma Gandhi, who led the nonviolent [if somewhat foul-mouthed] resistance movement against British colonial rule in India during the first half of the 20th century. The film was directed by Richard Attenborough and stars Ben Kingsley as Gandhi. They both won Academy Awards for their work on the film. The film was also given the Academy Award for Best Picture and won eight Academy Awards in total.
Nonviolent ....... yes , but the language !!!!
Nonviolent ....... yes , but the language !!!!
Gorillaz announced as new Friday headliners at Glastonbury
We're very pleased to announce that the Friday night Pyramid Stage headline slot which U2 have been forced to vacate will now be taken by Gorillaz, who called offering their services once the news about U2 had broken.
Said Michael Eavis: "This is going to be Gorilllaz' only UK festival appearance, and it'll be a massive audio visual spectacle which will really ignite the Pyramid on the Friday night, with Muse, then Stevie Wonder to follow.
"I'm very excited about Gorillaz' show coming here because they're so open to guests and collaborations. The alchemy of Friday's show is going to be astonishing: a perfect, contemporary way to kick off the 40th anniversary celebrations.
"I am so grateful for the enthusiasm of the media and the whole of the music industry for their willingness and eagerness to support us in what could have been a crisis."
Said Murdoc from Gorillaz: "We're like some great big horrible warship pulling in to the Bay of Glastonbury to save the day. It was us or The Beatles and they split up years ago. The previous soldiers got pulled from duty last minute so it's up to my Plastic Beach naval cavalry to sail in and sort the battlefield out. I can assure you though, I'm bringing extra troops. Loads of them. Glastonbury will be ours…cutlasses drawn, trumpets ready. We're coming in … "
Dinner dinner dinner dinner , dinner dinner dinner dinner ...... Fatman
ONLY A MATTER OF TIME I GUESS
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