XMAS JOKE

Santa ; " I do hate this time of year "
Elf ; " Why's that Santa ? "
Santa : " Having to dress up in this red uniform year after year and having to run
around the place like a fool "
Elf ; " Well , now you know how Steven Gerrard feels "

NOTHING LIKE A XMAS CLASSIC ..............

..... and this is nothing like a Xmas classic ............. Ba Boom !

XMAS AT LAST

''Doing a Liverpool'', definition of....

LIVERPOOL n {Latin: Historia} Anachronism, ancient history, antiquity, bygone days, bygone times, days of yore, dead past, deceased, finished, former times, historic, history, irrelevent,memorabilia, memorial, obituary, old hat, outmoded, past, past historic, past history, past times, pre-historic, relic, remains, the ...irrevocable past, the past, thou unrelenting past, times past, token, trace, yesterday, yesteryear.

And now for a Liverpool joke :

Which is the odd one out between a crab , a lobster , a shark and a scouser ?

The shark .... the other 3 pinch everything and wear shell suits !!!!!!!!!!!

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ......

Store stocks 'inflatable boob job

Debenhams has announced the launch of inflatable pads that can enlarge the appearance of the wearer's breasts by up to one cup size.

The air pads are placed between the breasts and bra, and can be activated by a button-operated pump.

Head lingerie buyer Annette Warburton said: "Moving on from traditional silicone and oil inserts, the lightweight and adjustable nature of the air version lends itself to every occasion, whether it's a va-va-voom effect needed or a just natural enhancement.

"Costing just £5 a pair, tests showed that when fully inflated, the pump-up air pads gave women a boost of a whole cup size."

She added: "We predict women all over the UK will be storing these in their desk drawers ready for the mistletoe moment with the office hunk.

"Plus, they're easily and quickly deflated when Nigel from accounts approaches after a few glasses of mulled wine."


10,000 starfish wash up on Norfolk coast

Over 10,000 starfish have died after washing up on a beach in North Norfolk.

The creatures are believed to have been forced onto the land by high tide during heavy storms. They can only live for a few hours out of water and are thought to have gathered in shallow waters to feed.

Local pharmacist dispenser Margaret Wright told The Times: "The sight of all these little creatures dying on the beach was horrendous. We only went on a short walk and found a starfish graveyard.

"It's a long stretch of beach and there were just thousands of them littering the shore line for as far you could see.

She added: "The funny thing is that further down the beach we found a starfish which was still alive and put him back in the water.

"Now he's not going to have any friends - he's going to be floating around out there by himself."

Nigel Croasdale from Hunstanton Sea Life Sanctuary, explained: "This type of thing may happen once a year, depending on the weather. When the tide returns, the bodies are usually washed back into the sea."




Married couple 'jailed for reuniting'


A husband and wife in Spain have both been sent to prison after reuniting following a break-up.

The unnamed couple were found guilty of breaching a distancing order which forbade them being within 500 metres of one another following their separation last year, The Daily Telegraph reports.

Using laws designed to tackle domestic violence, the court had previously banned the husband from approaching or contacting his wife, but the couple decided to get back together after their year-long split.

However, Civil Guard officers spotted the married pair with one another in Motril in Andalusia on Spain's southern coast and arrested them, despite their protestations that their reunion was by mutual consent.

The man was sentenced to six months in jail for breaching the order and the woman was given a four month sentence for being his accomplice.





Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly announced plans to offer their services for free to UN climate summit delegates.

The move has been outlined to protest anti-prostitution initiative undertaken by Copenhagen city hall over the course of the December 7-18 summit in the Danish capital, AFP reports.

Postcards have been distributed to the city's hotel reading: "Be sustainable: Don't buy sex." Letters have also been sent to hotel managers to discourage prostitutes meeting clients on their premises.

Susanne Moeller of the Danish association for the defence of sex workers said: "All delegates who come to Copenhagen for the world climate summit will be able to use the postcards for payment after making a request on our website.

"We do not expect many delegates [to make use of the offer] but we want to protest what we consider discrimination."

Prostitution was decriminalised in Denmark in March 1999, though the operation of brothels and other types of pimping remain illegal.



Shoe thrown at Bush shoe-thrower

A man claiming to be an Iraqi journalist-in-exile has thrown a shoe at the protestor who flung his own footwear at the then-US president George W. Bush a year ago.

The man, known only as Khayat, accused Al-Baghdadia reporter Muntazer al-Zaidi of "working for dictatorship in Iraq" during a conference in France, AFP reports.

During a question and answer session at the Foreign Press Welcome Centre in Paris, Khayat threw his shoe and yelled: "Here's another shoe for you!"

Zaidi responded: "When I used this method, it was against the occupation. I did not use it against a compatriot. I always knew the occupier and his lackeys would stop at nothing to get to me."

As with last year's incident, Zaidi dodged Khayat's boot, which then bounced harmlessly away. Zaidi's brother grappled with the man and venue staff later took him away.

Zaidi was jailed for nine months after his own shoe-throwing, before being flown out of Iraq by his employers on his release.



Celebrity 'DNA perfume' goes on sale


Perfume made from the DNA of celebrities has gone on sale.

The Sun reports that My DNA Fragrance claims to make the scents out of DNA taken from the stars' hair.

The company has joined forces with John Reznikoff, who has the world's largest collection of celebrity hair.

Fragrances have already been concocted using the DNA of stars including Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe and Napoleon Bonaparte.

The firm's chairman Carlton Enoch said: "We use the genetic code to formulate the fragrance. If you are putting on MJ's perfume, it's a unique fragrance to him. The biggest seller is Elvis, but MJ is selling very well too."

Enoch added that the scents are "strong", contain no alcohol, and use aloe vera so that the smell lasts all day and is good for the skin.

He continued: "We had the actor Samuel L. Jackson call up to get his own perfume made - it's so unique and special that he wanted it."

DECISIONS , DECISIONS , DECISIONS .

Now dont get me wrong , I actually like Queen ( The Rock Band ) , I think Freddie Mercury was a very talented guy , wrote great songs , great musician , great showman and so on .......... but really ..... how many times do record companies expect fans to buy the same album ?




1981 ( GREATEST HITS )
Bohemian Rhapsody,Another 1 bites the Dust,Killer Queen,Fat Bottomed Girls,Bicycle Race,Your my Best Friend,Dont stop me .now,Save me ,Crazy little thing called Love,Somebady to Love,Now I'm here,Good ol' Fashioned Lover boy,Play the Game,Flash,Seven Seas of Rhye,We will Rock you,We are the Champions,

Ok so far ...........








1991 ( GREATEST HITS 2 )
A Kind Of Magic,Under Pressure,Radio Ga Ga,I Want It All,I Want To Break Free,Innuendo,It’s A Hard Life,Breakthru,Who Wants To Live Forever,Headlong,The Miracle,I’m Going Slightly Mad,The Invisible Man,Friends Will Be Friends,The Show Must Go On,One Vision.


Yup , thats fine







1992 ( CLASSIC QUEEN )
A Kind Of Magic,Bohemian Rhapsody,Under Pressure,Hammer To Fall,Stone Cold Crazy,One Year Of Love,Radio Ga Ga,I’m Going Slightly Mad,I Want It All,Tie Your Mother Down,The Miracle,These Are The Days Of Our Lives ,One Vision,Keep Yourself Alive,Headlong,Who Wants To Live Forever,The Show Must Go On.



Eh ......... Hello !







1999 ( GREATEST HITS 3 )
The Show Must Go On,Under Pressure,Barcelona,Too Much Love Will Kill You, Somebody To Love,You Don't Fool Me,Heaven For Everyone, Las Palabras De Amor,Driven By You May,Living On My Own,Let Me Live,The Great Pretender,Princes of the Universe,Another One Bites The Dust,No One But You,These Are the Days Of Our Lives, Thank God It's Christmas.








2000 [( GREATEST HITS 1, 11, and 111 )The Platinum Collection]
1. Bohemian Rhapsody
2. Another One Bites the Dust
3. Killer Queen
4. Fat Bottomed Girls
5. Bicycle Race
6. You're My Best Friend
7. Don't Stop Me Now
8. Save Me
9. Crazy Little Thing Called Love
10. Somebody to Love
11. Now I'm Here
12. Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy
13. Play the Game
14. Flash
15. Seven Seas of Rhye
16. We Will Rock You
17. We Are the Champions

1. Kind of Magic ............... Takin' the piss now !
2. Under Pressure
3. Radio Ga Ga
4. I Want It All
5. I Want to Break Free
6. Innuendo
7. It's a Hard Life
8. Breakthru
9. Who Wants to Live Forever
10. Headlong
11. Miracle
12. I'm Going Slightly Mad
13. Invisible Man
14. Hammer to Fall
15. Friends Will Be Friends
16. Show Must Go On
17. One Vision

1. Show Must Go On - Elton John, Queen
2. Under Pressure [Rah Mix] - David Bowie, Queen
3. Barcelona - Montserrat Caballé, Freddie Mercury
4. Too Much Love Will Kill You
5. Somebody to Love - George Michael, Queen
6. You Don't Fool Me
7. Heaven for Everyone
8. Palabras de Amor (The Words of Love)
9. Driven by You - Brian May
10. Living on My Own - Freddie Mercury
11. Let Me Live
12. Great Pretender - Freddie Mercury
13. Princes of the Universe
14. Another One Bites the Dust - Wyclef Jean, Prakazrel "Pras" Michel, , Queen
15. No One But You
16. These Are the Days of Our Lives
17. Thank God It's Christmas





AND NOW 2009 , INTRODUCING QUEEN - ABSOLUTE GREATEST
1. We Will Rock You
2. We Are the Champions
3. Radio Ga Ga
4. Another One Bites the Dust
5. I Want It All
6. Crazy Little Thing Called Love
7. A Kind of Magic
8. Under Pressure
9. One Vision
10. You're My Best Friend
11. Don't Stop Me Now
12. Killer Queen
13. These Are the Days of Our Lives
14. Who Wants to Live Forever
15. Seven Seas of Rhye
16. Heaven for Everyone
17. Somebody To Love
18. I Want to Break Free
19. The Show Must Go On
20. Bohemian Rhapsody


ABSOLUTE PISS-TAKE ..... Whats next ?
THE ULTIMATE QUEEN
THE QUEEN COLLECTION
QUEEN GOLD
QUEEN-ALL THE HITS


and as I said before .... I like Queen , but really , and I havn't even included their Greatest hits I & II or Queen - The Works .

WATCH YOURSELF ROGER

SCANDAL IS A TERRIBLE THING













Gillette have already altered some of the adverts

Arsenal 0 Chelsea 3

Lost.......... One plot. If found, please contact Mr A Wenger at Emirates Stadium, London N5. Small reward on offer (if Arsenal can afford it).
England had the Wally with the Brolly. On Sunday Arsenal had the prat in the Anorak. In his dreadful waterproof hooded parka and straight-out-of-the-box trainers, Arsene Wenger was a pitiful sight on the touchline whether it was sitting on the bench with his head in his hands, gesticulating wildly for another non-existent penalty, or just crouching down on his haunches in an apparent effort to see the game from the same perspective as Sami Nasri.
Whether it was due to water on the brain from standing forlornly in the rain for 90 minutes, the Mad Professor was soon displaying how desperate his grip is on the last vestiges of sanity with his post-match comments.
The scoreline was a very unfair reflection of the game. Drogba didnt do a lot (apart from score twice, obviously) and he didnt mean to put the cross for the first goal into the net (Where did he mean to put it then? Over the bar? Into Row Z??). Absolutely everything went for Chelsea (apart from the stonewall penalty decision, of course). The disallowed Arshavin goal should have stood because I watched it five times and it was a Chelsea player that impeded Cech (try watching it a sixth time, Arsene. See that player with the blue boot kicking it out of Cechs hands? Thats Eduardo, that is). Chelsea didnt impress him (nah, not much) and will drop points (maybe so, but not enough for you to get back in the title race). And on and on and on.
Even the usually adoring members of the press didnt buy it. Risible, they labelled his comments. Wild and deluded. One went so far as to say that Wenger must have been so traumatised he was temporarily incapable of telling the truth. To which the rest of us would respond temporarily???
As far as Im concerned, Wengers relationship with reality has for some time now - been tenuous at best. His legendary inability to see certain incidents on the field can be dismissed as merely laughable. But his insistence that only Arsenal play proper football, and his apparent belief that games should be decided on artistic merit rather than the boring old traditional goals-scored method puts him firmly in the crank category.
He has promised to hold a press conference later this week with the aid of statistics, graphics, pie charts and presumably a Ouija board to show how Arsenal, in fact, dominated the game on Sunday. He will also prove that Chelsea carried out the 9/11 atrocities, that JFK was assassinated by Jose Mourinho, and that Roman Abramovich is single-handedly responsible for climate change.