THE TRADITION OF HENRY ROOT LIVES ON

Charles William Donaldson (4 January 1935 - 22 June 2005) was an English satirist, writer, playboy and, under the pseudonym of Henry Root, author of The Henry Root Letters.

Root's satirical lampooning of the wealthy, famous and influential was retold in the books:

The Henry Root Letters (1980),
The Further Letters of Henry Root (1980),
Henry Root’s World of Knowledge (1982),
Henry Root’s A-Z of Women: "The Definitive Guide" (1985),
The Soap Letters (1988),
Root into Europe (1992), and
Root about Britain (1994).



I myself have always been a huge fan of the Henry Root Letters so it's nice to see his tradition of satire continued on the net.

ENTER Emails from an A**hole.


This is one of a collection of e-mails sent to people who post classified ads. The goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off.

Disguised Weapons

Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter.

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******: 

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about. 

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.