BARTON APOLOGISES FOR NOT PUNCHING ALLARDYCE IN THE KIDNEYS

NEWCASTLE'S Joey Barton has issued a public apology after failing to assault Sam Allardyce on Sunday.

BARTON - SORRY

Barton blamed the pressures of looking increasingly like Midge Ure for the lapse in judgement and apologised to fans upset by the Blackburn manager's unpunched face and kidneys.

He said: "One minute I was playing a game of football, the next I was in the dressing room and it was only as I was filling Andy Carroll's shoes with everyone's semen that I realised I hadn't twatted that fat bastard.

"That evening, I was so mortified I couldn't even finish my three-way Dutch Steamboat."

The FA has handed Barton a three-match suspension for the incident, seen as an unusually heavy punishment given the midfielder's reputation as a violent psychopath.

ALLARDYCE - UNSLAPPED

An FA spokesman said: "I once saw Joey trying to kick the arse off his own shadow for following him around, so what kind of example is he setting when he walks past Sam Allardyce and doesn't rearrange his double-glazing-factory-manager face?"

Barton has had a troubled history of neglecting to use his boundless reserves of funk, most notably at Manchester City when, despite featuring in 10 derby games, he never once hit Alex Ferguson with a bike chain or swung Gary Neville around by the moustache.

He admitted: "I need to start channeling my episodes more productively, so the next time I'm up against somebody like John Terry I'll just imagine he's a team-mate or some bloke who was walking past McDonalds, minding his own business."