Tuesday, October 27, 2009


McDonalds launches ‘Fat Patches’ for lazy eaters

High-street fast-food retailer McDonalds today launched a new range of fat patches for people who can’t be bothered to walk all the way to their local restaurant. The new patches release 100% saturated fats and additives, and allow the wearer to enjoy the complete McDonalds experience without leaving the comfort of their armchair or hoist.

Eileen Mahoney, 23 stone, said ‘Before these wonder patches were available I had to get dressed, have a shave and walk 200 yards to my local burger outlet where I would order 45 chicken nuggets, eight portions of fries, six milkshakes and five McFlurries for breakfast. Even going to the Drive-In Burger King meant walking to the car. Now I simply reach across to the fridge next to my armchair and unwrap a giant fat patch – it contains the same amount of transfats, modified starch and artificial sweeteners, without all that effort!’

Other fast-food outlets are said to be watching the latest development with interest. A spokesman for KFC said ‘This will not affect plans for our new ‘fat-laden chicken lardy-bucket by post’ initiative which we are launching in partnership with Amazon in an effort to deliver delicious fried chicken soaked in transfats with extra salt to buyers within eight days of ordering’.

.......... and also in the news this week

FAST food chain KFC is to be sued for animal cruelty after a swarm of mice was poisoned by a deluxe boneless box at its Leicester Square branch.

A court heard yesterday how dozens of mice were found badly dehydrated after vomiting for hours, while a colony of emaciated cockroaches was discovered just inches away from untouched piles of chicken-like produce.

The insects were subsequently removed to an entomology shelter in Sussex where carers are nursing them back to health.

Insect handler Nikki Hollis said: "It breaks your heart to see these wonderful little creatures in such distress. They obviously thought that at some point there would be something edible, but it just never happened."

She added: "One cockroach we've named Russell was all thorax and feelers, but we've started feeding him up on a diet of rancid milk and tiny spoonfuls of shite."

The RSPCA said: "Bovine drunken London tourists can puke spicy wedges through their eyeballs for all we care. But expecting innocent insects to eat barbecue twisters is cruel and unacceptable."

Environmental health inspectors were alerted to problems in the KFC branch after several people reported an unusual amount of flavour in the Zinger burgers.

Regular patron Stephen Malley said: "I normally bite into a KFC with a sense of resigned fatalism and a toilet within easy reach. But I noticed this one had nuggets of unusual piquancy that turned out to be a large bluebottle."

He added: "It appears that the Colonel's recipe, whilst still a secret, certainly contains insect legs and essence of rodent colon."

Noted animal welfare campaigner Carla Lane has called for a boycott on KFC for their animal cruelty, adding: "Subjecting countless dumb animals to lukewarm tasteless dreck is fundamentally wrong, as anyone who remembers Bread will no doubt confirm."

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