92-year-old refused service at off-licence

A 92-year-old woman was refused service at an off-licence because she was unable to prove she was over 18.

Diane Taylor, who is a great-grandmother, was unable to provide photo identification at a One Stop Shop in Essex while trying to purchase some alcohol for her son.

"It seemed so stupid, I thought the cashier was complimenting me," Taylor told The Mirror. "But then I realised that she was being serious so I pulled out my bus pass, my blood donor's card but it was no good, she said she wanted proof of age.

"I was so taken aback I didn't know what to do."

Taylor said she refused to believe she looked under the age of 25 and has since received an apology from a spokesperson for One Stop Shop.

TODAYS JOKE

Whats 6 inches long and won't be getting sucked on tonight ?


Jimmy Saville's cigar.


I'll get me badge.

ADMIT IT .... YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR XMAS

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WALKING DEAD ?

In the Season 2 opener of The Walking Dead, our group of terrified zombie apocalypse survivors found themselves ambushed by a herd of walkers on a highway that looked like it was the scene of a demolition derby. With the meatbags closing in on them, Rick Grimes decided the best way to keep everyone alive was to forgo the weapons and get out of sight, so he ordered everyone to duck under cars, as the herd o' dead guys shuffled past, clueless to the fact that lunch was right at their decaying feet.

This raises a very interesting questions: "Wait, what?" In Season 1's "Guts," Rick and Glenn made a big deal out of covering themselves in zombie innards so the walkers wouldn't smell them. It worked, until a downpour of rain washed off the zombie intestine cologne. After that, Rick's plan became "shoot them in the head and run," because the zombies were starting to smell the human stink on them.

1. Why didn't the zombies sniff out the survivors hiding underneath the cars ?

2. What's up with all the dead people in cars ? Did something happen ? Did they get bored to death ? Why didn't the zombies eat them ? Why were they just... dead ? ... The cars are perfect, they didn't die in accidents.

AMC's Zombie Rules for The Walking Dead, as Tweeted before the Season 1 premiere:

Zombie Rule #1: Ability to run is based on the amount of time a zombie has been undead, and how much decay has set in.
Zombie Rule #2: Zombies decay but at a much slower rate than humans, and it's still possible to differentiate between young and old zombies.
Zombie Rule #3: Zombies are like lions: if they've eaten, you can walk by them without fear, but a pack of hungry zombies will attack you.
Zombie Rule #4: The quickest speed of any zombie is a shambling run. see Night of the Living Dead. NO sprinters exist.
Zombie Rule #5: Zombies are not dexterous. They cannot pick up or use any items more complex than a rock or a stick.
Zombie Rule #6: Zombies have poor eyesight but they do have a strong sense of smell.
Zombie Rule #7: Zombies cannot speak but can communicate by pack mentality. The herd tends to move together if they sight food.
Zombie Rule #8: There is no overt recognition of people or places, there is a sense of familiarity that can dictate where a zombie moves.
Zombie Rule #9: There's no known cause of the zombie mutation, but it's suspected to be a virus or infection.
Zombie Rule #10: Once you're bitten you'll die and reanimate as a walker. How long it takes is related to the nature your bite.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE - PLEASE TRY NOT TO WEAR INAPPROPRIATE COSTUMES

Wolves - Phosphorescent

Michael Myers having a quiet one this Halloween

IMPLACABLE serial killer Michael Myers has announced plans to spend Halloween relaxing with friends instead of doing his usual murders.

Resilient giant Myers has become well-known for his annual October 31 killing sprees, which typically result in around 20 deaths.

However, this year the seemingly unkillable killer will forego his murderous routine in favour of a quieter night watching DVDs with a handful of close friends and a Grab Bag of Doritos at the facility where he is incarcerated.

Myers said: "Maybe it's an age thing, but I just don't feel the desire to relentlessly stalk teenagers with a variety of bladed weapons like I used to. Perhaps because I've been there and done it so many times.

"I do think when you lose the passion for something it's better to just stop.

"Plus physically it's a lot harder to bounce back from being shot, stabbed, set on fire, thrown off a roof, then shot some more, then impaled on a weathervane, then stabbed in the head, then set alight, then shot a couple more times when you're just two months' shy of 56.

"So we're going to watch some spooky movies at the unit where I am incarcerated. Nothing too intense, maybe Beetlejuice or Gremlins.

"I'm definitely not going to escape this year. Even if the orderly carelessly forgets to check my harnesses then goes off and sits in his office reading adult magazines and listening to loud music with his back to the door, as tends to happen.

"Although that is kind of difficult to resist."

Mario Balotelli sets fire to his own house

Head the Ball

Mario Balotelli's remarkable capacity for self-inflicted problems resurfaced on the eve of the Manchester derby when he had to escape from his burning house after a fire caused by letting off fireworks in the bathroom in the early hours of Saturday morning.

Two fire crews using breathing apparatus put out the flames after being called to Balotelli's house just before 1am on Saturday to deal with what has been described as "a substantial fire" on the first floor. The property, in Mottram St Andrew, Cheshire, sustained serious fire and smoke damage and the police were also called – in part to ensure Balotelli did not go back into the house. The striker is said to have been reluctant to leave his belongings and, at one point, to have run back inside to recover a quantity of money and a suitcase.

MANCHESTER FOOTIE FANS WON'T WANT TO SKIP THIS ...... ERRR ......... SKIP

On Sunday at 10am in the Old Trafford area there will be a giant skip. This skip will be dedicated to disposing both Manchester City and Manchester United shirts with 'Tevez' written on the back.



By disposing of said shirt you will be handsomely rewarded with a new shirt! The unwanted shirts will then be nobly dispatched to his native Argentina and dished out to local charities.

What an Eco-Friendly way of showing your feelings towards Mr Tevez!

*Please note that this deal is skip specific. Throwing away your shirt in your own bin/skip will not make you eligible for this deal

Edit - You do get a brand new sparkly official Shirt of your respective colours.

Take note Liverpool fans .... ex players shirts don't have to be burned ..... and there are times when things can be put INTO skips.

Clarkson sues Gervais for schtick theft

TOP Gear lynchpin Jeremy Clarkson is to sue Ricky Gervais for trying to steal his personality.

Sources claim Clarkson flew into a blind rage after the The Office star used marketing tool Twitter to lampoon a minority group and then deride critics as jealous, sour-faced killjoys - a method copyrighted by Clarkson in 2003.

A Top Gear insider said: "Jeremy went mental, storming out to the rusty shed where Richard Hammond is kept chained up and giving him twice his normal daily quota of inner-thigh cigarette burns while bawling sweary legal threats into his Nokia."

He continued: "You don't have to be a genius to figure out Ricky's game.

MURRAY CLARKSON

"Why do you think he's spent years cultivating a comic triple act that includes a tall, quieter one and a court jester-whipping boy who's forever being pushed out of his comfort zone with hilarious results?

"It's an open secret in TV that Gervais's most cherished goal is to commandeer Top Gear and see Europe's middle-managers swap their blazer-and-jeans ensembles for tight black v-neck tees that will make them look like portly cat burglars."

Clarkson enthusiast Murray 'No relation' Clarkson said: "Perhaps they can do another special edition of The Office - which was always a little esoteric for my taste - with a load of gypsy gags.

"I'm always looking to expand my cultural horizons, as long as whatever I'm watching or reading is based largely on hate."

IS HE OR ISN'T HE ?

As my Mother used to say ..... if you can't say something good about someone, say nothing


COLONEL MUHAMMAR GADDAFI IS DEAD ..... GOOD.

FUGITIVE Colonel Muhammar Gaddafi was “killed” yesterday during a final rebel attack on his birthplace.

The toppled Libyan leader was badly wounded in both legs and shot in the head as rebels backed by NATO attacked a convoy fleeing the coastal town of Sirte, it was claimed.

He is said to have died shortly after rebel fighters finally overran his loyalists defending the coastal town of Sirte - finally ending the last remnants of his 42 year hold on Libya.

Libyan National Transitional Council official Abdel Majid Mlegta said Gaddafi was captured and wounded in both legs at dawn today as he tried to flee in a convoy which NATO warplanes attacked.

“He was also hit in his head.” the official said. “There was a lot of firing against his group and he died.”

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS ?

Westlife to split after 14 years

The Irish boyband, which was formed in 1998 and has inflicted more than 20 top five hits on the general public since then, will no longer be releasing records as relentlessly creative, not to mention downright influential, as Unbreakable, Fool Again and Flying Without Wings. We must, however, keep our champagne corked for now – the band are threatening a farewell arena tour and greatest hits album before they are finally on their way.

IT'S A TRICK QUESTION - THEY'RE ALL GAY.

Westlife have sold more than 40m albums during their career and the tour will be a chance for their fans to hear some of those 14 No 1 hits nobody can quite recall the name of for one last time. After that, the foursome, which comprises Nicky Byrne, 33, Shane Filan, 32, Mark Feehily, 31, and Kian Egan, 31, have promised to explore "new ventures". Whether this means a sonic exploration along the fringes of underground electronica or just some charity work and crap solo albums remains to be seen.

Unfortunately for those of us trying to spin a news story out of this event, there are no reported fights, affairs or even creative differences to attribute the split to. Rather, it seems their parting is "amicable" and quite possibly based around the fact they can't believe they're still getting away with this rubbish after 14 years so best quit while they're ahead.

NO WONDER THEY CAN'T KILL THE DINOSAURS

Redditor Drahos spotted something familiar on the set of Terra Nova: barely-disguised Nerf guns standing in for high-tech weaponry.

He writes, “You can nab these things for $40 retail!”

Elsewhere in the thread, theartfulcodger, a self-described “Property Master with 30 years experience,” suggests that most of the budget for the show went to its 16 (!) producers, leaving the prop department with Nerf-level money to spend, add in the cheap Fox motorcycle jackets and glue some tat onto some trail bikes and voila .......... 22nd century tech.

Still, he says, they should have done more than paint the weapons, because “showing it unmodified is breaking copyright, unless they acquired permission from Hasbro in advance.”

Whether he’s right or not, would anyone but a huge Nerf fan even notice?

No 1 - THE MOTHER ROAD

ALAN 2011

As we all know, Alan is a man with his finger on the pulse of what the common man would like to see in TVLand ...... and like any good Doctor, he would like to write you out a prescription for  ......... MORE ALAN !!

HERE'S A FEW OF HIS NEWER IDEAS .........

Stutter Nonsense

A no holds barred gameshow where people with speech impediments have to recite poetry for cash.


A History of Iceland

Alan sets forth on a journey around the British Isles unwinding the history of the frozen food outlet, starting with BirdsEye frozen chicken pies and ending with a special on their 'Easy Meal' range.

Pop Idle

Alan looks at a series of lazy fathers, starting with Ozzie Osbourne in episode 1 and finishing the series with Ringo Starr in episode 62.

THE WALKING DEAD - SEASON 2

Rick Grimes and his ragtag crew of zombie apocalypse survivors are back on the small screen Sunday night for “The Walking Dead” Season 2 90-minute premiere [actual running time - 1HR 3 MINS]

Based on “The Walking Dead” comics by writer Robert Kirkman and artists Tony Moore and Charlie Adlard, the AMC television series made basic-cable history last season as the most-watched drama when 6 million viewers tuned in for the finale. The new season jumps from six episodes to 13, and executive producer Glen Mazzara is taking the reins from former showrunner Frank Darabont.

The new season follows Rick Grimes as he leads the group out of Atlanta, to possible sanctuary (and new characters) at Hershel’s farm.



WHAT DID WE LEARN THIS EPISODE ?


1, Don't let ' Squinty McOld Dude [Dale] in charge of keeping lookout ...... even with binoculars, on top of the RV .... 50 zombies marched down the highway to within 20 yds of the group before Dale spotted them ...... and then, having allowed the 'not very stealthy' herd of zombies sneak up to within touching distance ...... DON'T allow him to be the moral compass when others want some more control over their own lives.

2. The group still haven't found a replacement hose for Dale's RV.

3. Daryl would rather drive a 1960's British chopper [sans baffle] than any number of  modern motorbikes that the group pass on their journey.

And to those at HITFLIX.COM who wrote " A MASTERCLASS IN SUSPENSE FILMMAKING " ..... I suggest you watch Season 4 of Breaking Bad if you want to see real suspense.

CLASSIC ALAN .......................

MY MUSICAL MEMORIES

Ian Dury (12 May 1942 – 27 March 2000) was an English rock and roll singer, lyricist, bandleader and actor who initially rose to fame during the late 1970s, during the punk and New Wave era of rock music. He is best known as founder and lead singer of the British band Ian Dury and the Blockheads, who were one of the groups of the New Wave era in the UK.

CLASSIC ALAN .......................

                                             

MACCA HOPING THIS ONE ISN'T MAD

SIR Paul McCartney toasted his new bride saying, 'I really hope you're not a complete nutcase'.

The Beatles legend married Nancy Shevell in London on Sunday [John Lennon's birthday] as McCartney's close friends and family scoured her face for even a hint of insanity.

A friend said: "So far, so good. I thought I saw a glimmer of barking but it was just a shadow caused by a pigeon.

"She's very nice and unlike the last one doesn't actually think he's an imposter who replaced the real Paul McCartney in 1966."

At the reception in his luxury St John's Wood home, Sir Paul told his bride: "You're a totally gear chick. I think you're fab and not at all grotty.

"So here's to the ongoing balance of the chemicals in your brain."

Sir Paul then took to the piano and sang Maxwell's Silver Hammer in what guests described as a 'friendly warning' to his latest wife.

Martin Bishop, showbiz relationship analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "The unfortunate thing is Nancy has her own money, so if she is mad and they do fall out there won't be a disturbingly revealing court case.

"She may well be able to keep her bonkers under the radar."

PASS IT ON ...........

CLASSIC ALAN .......................

Holy Flying Circus

In 1979, the film Monty Python's Life Of Brian caused outrage around the world. The film depicted the life of Brian Cohen, a first-century Judean who is mistaken for the Messiah after joining an anti-Roman group.

Nuns with banners picketed cinemas, councils banned the film without even seeing it and the religious group Festival of Light organised a concerted campaign against the film, trying to get it banned.



Against this backdrop Michael Palin and John Cleese found themselves facing prominent society figures Malcolm Muggeridge and the Bishop of Southwark, Mervyn Stockwood, in a television debate in front of a live studio audience to defend their film against charges of blasphemy: but who won?

Written by Tony Roche (In The Loop, The Thick Of It) Holy Flying Circus is a fantastical re-imagining of the controversy surrounding the release of Life Of Brian. Witty and humorous in tone, the comedy drama incorporates surreal cutaways including puppetry and animation in telling its narrative.

BREAKING BAD FANS ...............

‘Breaking Bad’ Screenwriter and Creator Vince Gilligan will take part in a two day Writing for TV Drama event at the Galway Film Centre this October. Vincent will take part in an interview during the event where he will discuss writing for TV shows such as ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘The X-Files’.

Other events will include a workshop with Emmy and IFTA winning Irish director Dearbhla Walsh (The Tudors, Little Dorrit, The Silence) and writer Fiona Seres (The Silence). Industry professionals speaking at the event include BBC Northern Ireland’s Acting Head of Drama Steven Wright, Producer Liz Lewin of Company Pictures and writers Lisa McGee (Raw, The Things I Haven’t Told You) and Lauren MacKenzie (The Clinic, Pure Mule, Na Cloigne).

The event will also have a MEDIA reception evening and screenings of some of the shows of the featured writers will be held over the two days. Galway Film Centre Manager, Declan Gibbons added “we’re delighted that so many high calibre writers are attending this event and that there is so much Irish writing talent doing well in television internationally.”

The event is being run in partnership with GMIT, FÁS Screen Training Ireland, the BAI and TG4. It is taking place from October 20th and 21st and costs €85 waged and €75 unwaged. Places are limited for the event. To attend please send an email with name, address and contact number to info@galwayfilmcentre.ie. Full payment is needed to secure your place.

Alan Partridge Interview Jonathan Ross Show 2011

FORD EXPLORER MADE FROM LEGO

CHARLIE BIRD GETS THE SEAL OF APPROVAL

YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU NEVER TRY

The comedy series Arrested Development, off the air since 2006, will soon give fans up to 10 new episodes and a movie already in the works, according to Mitchell Hurwitz, the creator of the Emmy Award-winning show.

Hurwitz revealed Arrested Development would return for another season, acting as a lead-in to the upcoming film.

“We’re basically hoping to do 9 or 10 episodes, with almost one character per episode,” Hurwitz said at a New Yorker conference reuniting the ensemble cast on stage.

Hurwitz called it "a limited-run series into the movie” but didn't offer a timeline on when the episodes will air. The episodes explain what the characters have been up to since the show last aired, and several storylines will lead into the planned movie.

Jason Bateman, who played one of the Bluth boys in Arrested Development, recently tweeted: "It's true. We will do 10 episodes and the movie. Probably shoot them all together next summer for a release in early '13. VERY excited!

PUPPY ON A STRING