BETFRED PAID OUT ON MANCHESTER UNITED WINNING THE TITLE WEEKS AGO

Manchester United-mad bookie Fred Done has paid out on the Reds winning the Premier League. The Salford-based millionaire, famous for his early payouts on his Old Trafford heroes, announced on Twitter on April 3rd that he is handing over winnings to punters who backed Sir Alex Ferguson to take the crown for the 20th time - with seven games still to play.

Fred Done said: "Even with the Derby to come a five point lead is just too much for City, so once again I’m letting my United punters have their dough early to the tune of just over half million quid. “Back in 1998 Fergie told me to never pay out early again but Sir Alex need not worry, I’ve not got it wrong this time, United are past the post for a record twentieth Premier League title.” Fred said that despite writing off City for this season, he thinks the Blues will win it next season - he has installed them as 7/4 favourites for next season’s Premier

DID YOU KNOW ................

THAT 'TORCHWOOD' IS AN ANAGRAM OF 'DOCTOR WHO' ?

Alex Ferguson drops Howard Webb for crucial derby match

Alex Ferguson has controversially dropped talismanic referee Howard Webb from Man Utd’s starting 12 for the crucial Premier League clash with Man City, and will instead hand a start to Andre Marriner.

Early reports indicated that crowd favourite Webb would line up for the league leaders, but news has now surfaced that Ferguson is to take a gamble on Marriner.

Marriner, who has only made 3 starts for Man Utd this season, is a surprise selection by Ferguson, given Webb’s ability to pull highly contentious decisions out of the bag in big matches.

“Webby has put in some great performances for us in the past, but I feel the expectation levels of supporters could be too much for him on this occasion,” revealed Ferguson.

“I might put him on the bench as an impact referee in case we need one of their players sending off or a penalty deep into stoppage time.”

Last time out

After suffering their biggest home defeat earlier in the season since 1955, Sir Alex Ferguson had blamed his side’s humiliating 6-1 defeat by Man City on the Premier League’s inability to field a referee who is a Man Utd fan.

Speaking after that match, he blasted “They outplayed us in all areas of the pitch when the referee didn’t intervene.”

“There were times when they made us look stupid and yet the referee’s done nothing to protect us.”

“Their lad David Silva was a different class, but the ref’s blatantly allowed him to stay on the pitch.”

“It’s an absolute disgrace.”

Ferguson highlighted the absence of their talismanic decision maker, Howard Webb as a key factor in the outcome of the game.

“If Webbsy had been playing then Balotelli would have been sent off for blatantly getting into numerous goal-scoring positions,” Ferguson insisted.

Manchester Derby

The news of Marriner’s inclusion has left United fans miffed given Ferguson’s criticism of his performance in a 2-0 defeat to Liverpool in 2009.

“It doesn’t make any sense not to include Webbo,” said avid fan Gideon St Clare, who has lived in Plymouth all his life and who only started supporting United last year when they won their 19th League title, before that he supported Liverpool, and before that .... Nottingham Forest.

“In games like this you want your best performers on the pitch, and Webbsio pulling the strings is as good as going into the game with a two-nil lead.”

“I hope that our manager, a Mr Ferguson,  has seen something in Marriner in training that suggests he can rise to the occasion.”

“If City have still got eleven men on the pitch at half-time then I’ll be singing Webbsyio’s name.”

“I’ll be singing it at the TV, but rest assured that the wife will be left in no doubt about how angry I am.”

THE ROAD TO MUNICH

WONDERFUL

Sivert Høyem is a Norwegian singer, best known as the vocalist of the rock band Madrugada. After the band broke up due to the death of Robert Burås in 2007, he has enjoyed success as a solo artist and is also a member of The Volunteers with whom he released the album Exiles in 2006.

PRICELESS

THIS VILLAGE WILL NEVER WANT FOR LUGGAGE AGAIN

The people in a village on the Niger River in Africa were losing fellow villagers at such a rapid rate, that they had to call in the Army to hunt down the culprit. A 22 foot, 2500 pound Crocodile.

That's nothing ..... there's a dog in our park who barks all night, now that's annoying !!

NOT FOR THE SENSITIVE AMONG YOU

Click here for the link -> http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

POTTY !

The Dutch government is about to ruin one of the great attractions of post-adolescent wanderlust: the opportunity to smoke pot and get silly, legally, in an Amsterdam coffee shop.

On Friday a judge upheld a government plan to introduce a “weed pass” that will sharply restrict foreigners from access to “coffee shops”, the term used for a variety of drug-friendly outlets around the country. The plan will turn coffee shops into private clubs with membership restricted to Dutch residents and a limit on membership. Although still highly tolerant of drug use, the government wants to curb a thriving illegal trade in which residents from neighbouring countries stock up in the Netherlands before heading home to sell the drugs illegally.

A lawyer opposing the move argued that it’s discriminatory to have one drug policy for residents and another for visitors, but the real pain from the ruling will be felt by the tourism industry, which profits mightily from tourists attracted by the ability to sit around smoking dope without getting arrested. (Though marijuana is technically illegal, police ignore its use in small amounts in designated outlets.) Amsterdam alone has 220 “coffee” shops, and attracts 16 million tourists a year, up to 40% of which are estimated to be drawn by the lenient approach to pot, and its famous red light zone (where most of the coffee shops are located.)

“In order to tackle the nuisance and criminality associated with coffee shops and drug trafficking, the open-door policy of coffee shops will end,” the Dutch health and justice ministers wrote in a letter to the country’s parliament.

New cannabis-for-residents-only laws are due to roll out on 1 May in three provinces and nationwide in 2013.

FERGIE, MANCINI, McCARTHY, JOL AND REDKNAPP

TODAYS JOKE

I read an article in the paper today about a woman who has been awarded £6,000,000 for a 'botched' face lift.

She did not look happy.


I'll get me scalpel !

DO YOU THINK THEY KNOW ?

THIS IS FOR THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL ON THE 17th OF MAY

BAYERN MUNICH ADVANCE TO PLAY CHELSEA IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL

BARCELONA - CHELSEA SETS TWITTER RECORD

Move over, Super Bowl. The Champions League is taking over Twitter.

The social-media company said Wednesday that Tuesday’s Champions League semifinal second-leg match between Barcelona and Chelsea broke the tweets-per-second record for a sporting event.

Twitter said activity during the game — a 2-2 draw that saw Chelsea progress to the final after winning the first leg in London 1-0 — peaked at 13,684 messages per second. That beat out the previous record for a sporting event, the 12,233 tweets per second during the climax of February’s Super Bowl between the NFL’s New York Giants and New England Patriots, which saw New York win 21-17 after scoring a touchdown with less a minute remaining.

Still, sports still have some way to go before setting the all-time record. That belongs to a Dec. 9 television broadcast of the movie “Castle in the Sky” in Japan, which saw a peak of 25,088 tweets a second.

THE NEVILLIZER

DO NOT WATCH THIS IF YOU SUFFER FROM VERTIGO

CHELSEA DID NOT KNEED THIS

SOME WILL SAY THAT IT DESERVED A RED CARD ..... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE KICK IN THE A*SE BARCELONA GOT FROM THE MIGHTY BLUES ?

GEOFF SHREEVES IS ON A ROLL

HAVING BROKEN BRANISLAV IVANOVIC'S HEART WITH THE NEWS THAT HE IS OUT OF THE FINAL ...



GEOFF CONTINUES TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT THE CAMP NEU



Geoff is expected to interview Fabrice Muamba later this week when he shall inform the Bolton player that he will not be able to play the professional game again.

Geoff is not only a SKY TV reporter ....... he is also the man who goes round to Kindergartens to inform the kids that there is no Santa Claus when they reach the age of 4.

CHELSEA FANS ARE JUST HAPPY THAT HE DIDN'T GET TO INTERVIEW FRANK LAMPARD AFTER THE GAME ............ 'Well done Frank, you may get to lift the Trophy in Munich yourself now .... can I just confirm that your Mother won't be watching ?'

TODAYS JOKE

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker... 'Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please !'

 I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, 'Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee !'

 I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: 'Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE !'

 Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back, 'Would the bo**ocks in the clubhouse kindly shut the f*ck up and let me play my second shot ?!!'

CAN NOU BELIEVE IT ?

Pub just opposite Fulham Broadway station 100 meters from Stamford Bridge.. Chelsea fans celebrating the Torres final goal against Barca which makes them through to the final



AND JUST TO SHOW HOW MUCH BARCA WANTED TO WIN ........ THEY EVEN CHANGED THE SCORELINE IN THEIR FAVOUR WHEN FERNANDO TORRES SCORED ....... EPIC FAIL !



FAST FORWARD TO 1:12 WHERE THEY SAY ALEXIS SANCHEZ SCORED FOR BARCA

WOULD YOU ADAM AND BELIEVE IT ?

Fernando Torres scores against Barça to send Gary Neville into raptures and Chelsea to Champions League final

When Gary Neville, finally, hung up his boots last year and announced he was to become a football pundit for Sky Sports few predicted that the former Manchester United full-back would earn a place in our hearts for his honest, informative and occasionally witty commentary.

What is it about Chelsea and the world’s best footballer? For an eighth time, Messi failed to score against them, twice striking the frame of that goal on which the angel apparently perched.

' THIS BLOWS '

Add to that a yellow card, an angry reaction to Frank Lampard’s challenge on Cesc Fabregas — a flash of temper for a second successive match given his reaction in El Clasico last Saturday — and even the fact that it was Messi who had lost possession in the first leg to eventually allow Didier Drogba to score.



It is some strange mix for the Argentinean who has now gone an astonishing, for him, four hours and 48 minutes without a goal. It appears a lifetime given the freedom, the joy with how he has scored so prodigiously and innovatively throughout this campaign in particular.

What was almost as puzzling last night was how belief seemed to drain from Messi once he missed that penalty. It just didn’t look like he felt it could happened for him; that his powers were diminished.

How quickly things can unravel. The Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola appeared on edge on the eve of this encounter and now, perhaps, his career at the club is on a knife-edge. Barcelona didn’t lose last night, but it felt like a defeat.

Guardiola has faced 52 different teams since succeeding Frank Rijkaard and Chelsea are the only one he has not beaten, although a scoring draw at Stamford Bridge in 2009 was enough to eliminate them.

Choice of Champions League second-leg referee for Chelsea semi-final revives 'Barça bias' claim

Conspiracy theorists who share Jose Mourinho's belief that Barcelona's recent success in the Champions League has come with a helping hand from Uefa will feel they have extra ammunition after Erzik Senes, vice-president of Uefa's referees committee, picked fellow Turk Cuneyt Cakir to referee Chelsea's second leg tonight.

 Erzik is a former Unicef employee and Mourinho, the Real Madrid coach, famously suggested Barcelona were favoured by Uefa because of their sponsorship of Unicef in a post-match rant last season, after Pepe had been sent off in the Champions League semi-final first leg which Barça won 2-0.

 Barcelona renewed their sponsorship of Unicef by signing a one-year deal last May and will carry the organisation's logo on their shirts against Chelsea. Erzik is vice- president of Uefa's referee's committee but also worked as a project manager for Unicef. Add to that the fact that one of FC Barcelona's sponsors is 'Turkish Airlines' and a picture starts to emerge.

We can but hope that history doesn't keep on repeating itself.

THIS IS NOT A FAKE ADVERT

My favorite bit is 'The Comfort Wipe allows you to maintain your dignity' .... because there's nothing quite as dignified as a 250 kilo American sitting on the loo.






Imagine all the lives that could have been saved since the 1880's !!

SUPERHERO MOVIES ARE LIKE BUSES, YOU WAIT ALL YEAR FOR ONE TO COME ALONG ... AND GUESS WHAT ?

MAY


JULY

JULY

STAYING ALIVE ... AH, AH, AH ,AH

Bee Gees member Robin Gibb wakes from coma

TODAY'S JOKE

Went to the chemist today to buy some anti-perspirant,
and the lady in the shop asked 'Ball or Aerosol ?'

'Neither' I replied, 'It's for my armpits !'

I'll get me tanktop !

TODAY'S JOKE

What is it with Trainspotters ?

I counted 17 of them on the platform this morning on my way to work,
that's 2 more than yesterday and 5 more than thursday.


I'll get me anorak !

NUFF SAID

(Borat makes everything funny)

THERE ARE SPORTS WRITERS AND THERE ARE HACKS

Brian Reade in The Mirror on Didier Drogba


'against Barcelona on Wednesday, when he repeatedly hit the deck like a sack of manure, after turning away from the meekest of challenges with the grimace of a sniper's victim. And turned the stomach of every watching neutral.

 Once again, the vastly experienced 34-year-old kept halting a game of football, by writhing in agony at the slightest touch, hoping to get a fellow professional booked for something he hadn't done, then leapt up to show us it was all a phoney act.

 Astonishingly, serious people have defended, almost applauded, his behaviour, claiming it was part of a masterplan to beat Barcelona by running down the clock and disrupting their rhythm.

 We'll remember the dives and the rolls, the time-wasting and the sulks, the cynicism and deceit of a man for whom cheating appears part of his DNA.'

Actually Mr Reade, Didier will probably be remembered not only for his 150 + goals in the Premiership for Chelsea, but also as a UN Ambassador, a builder of Hospitals in his native Ivory Coast and as a Peacemaker in their civil war ..... what have you done on the world stage ?

La Gazzetta dello Sport

Barcelona because they are a team of great interchangeable midfield players. "Pep can put two midfielders in the centre of defence, like Picasso could put two eyes on the same side of a face."

 Chelsea because they are the highest expression of the classical tradition: "They have a defence that defends, a midfield that partly covers and partly creates, and an attack which attacks.

 Football was born and grew up like that, with that rigorous division of careers and tasks. Like a little city in which all do their job in the service of the community".

 "The best team didn't win. Fine. Beauty lost to the Beast. Lets allow that as well. But don't say it was "anti-football" that succeeded at Stamford Bridge, because it was just the opposite". "If Ulysses had tried to outbox Cyclopes he'd never have got home to Ithaca. Instead he waited, and on the counter attack he gouged out his one good eye. Ulysess is not "anti-football". Ulysses is heart and brain - and actually we still read him at school".

You choose which writer knows more about football.

TODAYS JOKE

'Bought the wife a Memory Stick last weekend, and it works !!

She hasn't forgotten my beer or my dinner since I started beating her with it.



I'll get me lawyer !

PURE CLASS

Chelsea's record against Barcelona is one of the best in Europe ..... in 11 meetings in The Champions League, Chelsea have won 4 times, Barcelona have won 3 times and the other 4 games ended in draws .... and here's how they do it.

Click here for a link to the goal -> http://www.101greatgoals.com/gvideos/didier-drogba-v-barcelona/

Juan Mata to celebrate every time ball crosses half way line

After Chelsea’s Juan Mata ‘scored’ a ‘goal’ in the FA Cup semi-final even though it's not clear if the ball had gone over the line, Chelsea have urged him and his team-mates to do the same every time the ball goes over the half way line tonight.

This is the Blues’ best hope of overcoming European champions Barcelona, and they will be praying for a referee with eyesight even worse than Martin Atkinson to give them a fighting chance of beating the Catalans.

Manager Roberto di Matteo said, “We’re on form as far as dodgy decisions go and we are confident we can get at least one more tonight.”

“Mata’s technique in conning the referee on Sunday was world-class and now we expect him to perform against the best side in the world.”

“I tried signing Ashley Young on an emergency loan to help out if we ever get into their penalty area but Sir Alex Ferguson was adamant he needed him to keep diving for United during the title run in.”

“It’s going to be hard, but if the whole team can celebrate fake goals with certainty, we could fool the referee.”

Midfielder Frank Lampard assured journalists during a press conference that the whole squad were ready to try to con the referee at every opportunity.

“We still remember the match here in 2009 so what better way to get revenge than by claiming more phantom goals?”

“In training this week Petr Cech’s been chipping in by celebrating a goal every time he takes a goal kick.”

“Anyone who watched Bayern v Real Madrid last night would have seen 22 men cheating their hearts out and that’s the level of performance we have to reach if we’re going to make it through.”

AND SO IT BEGINS ............

The scousers have thrown this banner onto the interweb

And the headhunters have responded

WINNER OF THE SEASON 2011/2012 FALLON D'FLOOR ?

MANCHESTER UNITED'S ASHLEY YOUNG'S 2ND DIVE IN TWO GAMES

LOOKS TO ME LIKE MANCHESTER UNITED'S ASHLEY YOUNG HAS DENIED ANDY CARROLL AN AWARD IN HIS 1ST SEASON WITH LIVERPOOL



AND HERE IS ANDY'S DIVE FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE ------- >

YOU BE THE JUDGE

Player who won’t play for Man City again to be replaced by player who won’t play for Man City again, reveals Mancini

Man City manager Roberto Mancini has insisted that controversial striker Mario Balotelli won’t play for the club again, with Carlos Tevez, who has recently returned to first team action after a spell of not playing for the club ever again, set to replace him.

Balotelli infuriated Mancini with a performance that mirrored all his previous performances for the title-challengers.

“Mario has left me with no choice but to not play him ever again,” he said.

“I’m not sure how long that will be at this stage, but it will definitely be never again.”

Carlos Tevez, who Mancini claimed would never play for the club again after refusing to come on as a substitute in a Champions League match against Bayern Munich, has spoken of his relief that his period of never playing for Man City again has come to an end.

“Not playing for the club ever again has almost felt like forever,” he said.

“Never again playing for Man City and Roberto Mancini being finished with me for good has been a difficult time.”

“But now that definite period of never ever playing for Man City again while Mancini is manager is over I can just get back to playing for Man City again under Mancini.”

Balotelli replacement

Balotelli has revealed his disappointment at not playing for Man City ever again by setting fire to a skip.

“I’m sad that I won’t play for Man City ever again,” he said.

“Hopefully when I’ve finished never playing for Man City again, I can start playing for them again,” he added before driving his sports car at high speed into a fireworks factory.

LOL

MAGNET LINKS

The file-sharing organism keeps evolving and has recently shifted its course towards other ways of providing services to users, mostly thanks to the viral anti-piracy movement that has been going on for a while now.

For instance, a lot of .com domains have moved to other domain names, because the authorities of the United States are either blocking the “notorious” websites at will, or threaten them with lawsuits that cost thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars.

You might have already noticed another change of behavior – the replacement of .torrent files with magnet links. Although magnet links have been used for a long time, The Pirate Bay was the first to officially change its policy and now offers magnet links instead of torrents, which makes it a must to know how to use them. The basic difference is that you are able to store a whole website on a pocket USB memory stick.

First of all, let’s find out, once again, what a magnet link is? Basically, it is a hyperlink embedding the hash code for a torrent. Once your BitTorrent application (uTorrent, BitTorrent, Azureus, or other) opens the magnet link, it starts searching for people sharing the same file based on the same hash code. Another advantage of magnet links is that they don’t require a tracker as it is, because they use DHT. In other words, magnets do not offer any data about their source, only about content – this is good for index sites, because they aren’t required to host the files themselves.

Using magnet links is as easy as using .torrent files. In fact, it is similar to the method you used to download torrents from The Pirate Bay before. Simply click “Get This Torrent” button and you are ready to go. Actually, only the technology behind the method has changed, not the method itself.

Meanwhile, you should remember that magnet links are still under development, which means that there still may appear some problems with them to be fixed. Unlike .torrent files, which offer detailed information about their content (this means that you are able to choose which files you want to download and which to skip), magnet links can’t do this momentarily. Nevertheless, since The Pirate Bay switched from .torrents to magnets, other indexers have started to regard them as the method allowing to offer shelter from anti-piracy groups and the entertainment industry.

Today most of BitTorrent’s applications support magnet links.

THE GREAT FIREWALL OF CHINA

Fears that China's internet censorship is to become even more stringent were triggered on Thursday morning after many internet users in China said they could not access any foreign sites at all for about an hour.

Their complaint came amid the news that the Chinese government deleted more than 210,000 online posts following the scandal of senior party leader Bo Xilai.

The wife of the senior politician was named as the key suspect in the death of British man Neil Heywood.

Internet censors continued to block searches for the politicians name on Tuesday, showing how politically sensitive the issue was for the Chinese government.

Around 42 sites were shut down in the government outage as well as posts deleted in a bid to control rumours surrounding the case.

Speculation increased on social media sites, and China's popular microblogging service, weibos, after party sources reported that Bo Xilai had been suspended.

"Actions of creating and spreading rumors via the Internet disrupt public order and undermine social stability, and will never be tolerated" Liu Zhengrong, a senior official with the State Internet Information Office told Xinhua news agency.

However the government's crackdown on online rumours were not officially connected to the internet blockage.

China has the largest online population, with more than 500 million users logging on to search the web. However it also has the tightest internet controls in the world.

Many internet sites deemed 'damaging' to the Chinese government are already blocked in the strict communist state.

However, some believe that the 8.5 magnitude earthquake in Indonesia on Wednesday was to blame, damaging the three cables which provide China with internet gateways.

An earthquake in Taiwan two years ago caused a similar outage, but there were a number of differences with Thursday's event.

Internet users outside China were not able to access key urls inside the country, such as Baidu and Xinhua (the news site quoted above).

Additionally experts told The Telegraph that if the cables had been damaged this would mean that domestic sites in China would also be unavailable, which was not the case.

BRICKA BRICKA

Cinema code of conduct

In 2010, Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo developed a Cinema Code of Conduct, which was launched as a guidance to cinemas and cinema-goers as to the best way to behave while watching a film. During the development of the Code, listeners were invited to submit suggestions for what should be included.

Kermode and Mayo's Film Reviews with Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo is a radio programme broadcast regularly on BBC Radio 5 Live every Friday afternoon between 2 pm and 4 pm. The show, 'the BBC's flagship movie podcast', features film reviews from Kermode; Mayo interviews actors and other guests, and introduces various topics and comments from listeners who contact the programme through email, Twitter, and text messages. The programme's Twitter handle, "Wittertainment" is a nickname for the programme itself.

The show is broadcast live on radio, accompanied by a live streaming webcam feed; each programme is available on BBC iPlayer and as a podcast. Individual reviews are available in an A to Z directory on the Five Live website, or as videos on YouTube.

THE CINEMA CODE OF CONDUCT STATES :

1 - No Eating... ...of anything harder than a soft roll with no filling. No one wants to hear you crunch, chew or masticate in any way. Nachos cause special offence and are of the devil.
2 - No Slurping... ...of drinks. You've already drunk a 5 litre flagon of pop, you really don't need the melting ice too. You are not six years old.
3 - No Rustling... ...of super high density, rustle-o-matic, extra rustle bags. No foraging of any kind, if you're going to need it during the film, get it out before hand.
4 - No Irresponsible Parenting' Your five-year-old does not want to come to see the latest 12A certificate: you are using the cinema as a babysitter. Your child's moaning, whinging and crying is your fault and a profound annoyance to everyone else. Your interrupted sleep caused by your child's nightmares is also your fault and serves you right.
5 - No Hobbies This includes knitting, drug dealing, model aeroplane assembly, fighting, having sex and updating Facebook.
6 - No Talking You’re in a cinema – you have come here to watch, not to discuss. Or ‘engage’, or ‘participate’, or ‘explain’ or whatever. More importantly, no-one in the cinema has paid £8.50 to hear your director’s commentary on the movie. Just sit down and shut up.
7 - No Mobile Phone Usage At all. Not even on ‘flight mode’. This isn’t an aeroplane, it’s a cinema. Even if you’re not yapping, you’re still creating light pollution. Put your thumbs away. NB: includes BlackBerries, PalmPilots, iPads – whatever.
8 - No Kicking of Seats The area of floor directly in front of your seat is yours, and is there to put your legs in. The back of the seat in front of you belongs to someone else; do not touch, interfere with, or otherwise invade their space with your feet, knees, or other bodily appendages.
9 - No Arriving Late Like Woody Allen in Annie Hall, you’re supposed to watch movies from the very beginning to the very end. If you turn up late, tough: go see something else – The Sorrow and the Pity, perhaps.
10 - No Shoe Removal You are not in your own front room. Nor are you in Japan (unless you are, in which case, carry on). A cinema is a public space: keep your bodily odours to yourself.

DID YOU KNOW ................

We have Shakespeare to blame for the modern solecism 'My Bad'

SONNET 112 - YOUR LOVE AND PITY DOTH TH' IMPRESSION FILL

Your love and pity doth the impression fill
Which vulgar scandal stamp'd upon my brow;
For what care I who calls me well or ill,
So you o'er-green my bad, my good allow?
You are my all the world, and I must strive
To know my shames and praises from your tongue:
None else to me, nor I to none alive,
That my steel'd sense or changes right or wrong.
In so profound abysm I throw all care
Of others' voices, that my adder's sense
To critic and to flatterer stopped are.
Mark how with my neglect I do dispense:
You are so strongly in my purpose bred
That all the world besides methinks are dead.

AWKWARD EARLY MORNING VIEWING

This Morning sexual position ?

What Alan Davies *actually* said about Liverpool

Barca boon ahead of Blues clash

Barcelona's El Clasico with Real Madrid at the Nou Camp has been brought forward to April 21, giving the Blaugrana more time to prepare for their Champions League semi-final with Chelsea.

The high-profile Primera Liga clash, which takes place between the two legs of the European semi-finals, has been moved from Sunday to Saturday by the Royal Spanish Football Federation (RFEF).

Barcelona travel to Stamford Bridge to face Chelsea in the first leg of their Champions League meeting three days earlier on Wednesday April 18, with the return fixture on Tuesday April 24.

The rescheduling of El Clasico to the Saturday by the RFEF has given defending European champions Barca an extra day to recover.

Chelsea will also play on the Saturday before the second leg, but the English team's efforts to rearrange their FA Cup semi-final with Tottenham on the Sunday prior to the first leg fell on deaf ears.

Blues boss Roberto di Matteo said: "I'm very disappointed that common sense hasn't prevailed in this. Obviously, they [the FA] didn't take into consideration anything that we said.

"Barca will have one more day to recover than us and it might give them a little advantage."

Meanwhile, Madrid face Bayern Munich in the other semi-final on April 17 and 25.

A statement on Madrid's website read: "Real Madrid will face Barcelona at the Nou Camp on Saturday, April 21 at 20.00 in the 35th round of the season."

Real Madrid remove cross from emblem to please Muslims

Spanish football giants, Real Madrid, have decided to make changes to the club’s logo, getting rid of the cross, which was present on the emblem for nearly a century. The rebranding was needed in order to strengthen Real’s popularity among Muslim football lovers in Europe and the Middle East.

The Spanish Marca newspaper is citing a source in the club’s administration as saying that the move is aimed at “avoiding all forms of misunderstanding and conflict in the regions where the majority of the population is Muslim”.

The removal of the cross coincides with Real Madrid beginning the construction of a $1 billion sports tourist resort in the United Arab Emirates, which will be the world’s first theme park on an artificial island to combine tourism and sports.

The Christian symbol appeared on Real Madrid’s emblem back in 1920 when King Alfonso XIII granted his royal patronage to the club.

MAC ATTACK

A Russian anti-virus service has reported that over half a million Apple computers have been infected with the Flashback Trojan. The virus infection allows the computers to be available for potential hijacking and to be used as a "botnet".

The Russian company Dr Web has said in a report that over 600,000 Apple computers have been infected by a Trojan virus called Flashback. According to PC Mag the majority of the computers are in the USA.

Flashback malware exploits weaknesses in the Java programming language, and allows a malicious code to be installed from bogus sites without the user's permission. Once the Trojan is installed it sends a message to the intruder's control server with a unique ID to identify the infected machine.

The number of infected machines has created what is known as a "botnet". A botnet is a collection of compromised computers, each of which is known as a 'bot', connected to the Internet. When a computer is compromised by an attacker, there is often code within the malware that commands it to become part of a botnet.

The Trojan poses as an installer for Adobe’s Flash player, according to The Daily Telegraph. If a Mac owner's Apple Safari browser is set to automatically open “safe” files, such as those ending in pkg, unknowing users could find their existing security software turned off and become infected.

According to The Daily Mail, the Trojan only affects devices running Apple's Mac OS X operating system. The paper also notes that this partially exposes the myth held by many Mac owners that they are immune to viruses, whereas the reality is that few hackers write viruses aimed at Macs.

Apple have stated that they have issued a security update, although this needs to be installed by Mac users and those who have not installed the patch remain vulnerable. This follows a failed attempt by Java to issue a security fix.

Meanwhile, many Mac owners remain vulnerable unless they install the security fix.

Download your free AntiVirus for Mac now! ......... <- Click here

Poland imposes ban on Monsanto

In Warsaw, Poland a ban has now officially been imposed on Monsanto's MON810 GMO maize. Recent protests by beekeepers and anti-GMO activists have a successful conclusion.


Minister of Agriculture in the Polish Government, Marek Sawicki has set another international standard against Monsanto's controversial GMOs. Sawicki says that as well as being linked to range of health ailments, the pollen originating from this GM strain might actually be devastating to the already reduced bee population in the country.

According to AFP, Sawicki told the press: “The decree is in the works. It introduces a complete ban on the MON810 strain of maize in Poland.”

On March 9th, there was similar opposition to Monsanto GMO strains. On that date 7 European countries blocked the proposal by the Danish presidency to permit the cultivation of GMO crops on the entire European continent. The countries who blocked this proposal were Belgium, Britain, Bulgaria, France, Germany, Ireland and Slovakia. A week after this announcement, France imposed a temporary ban on the Monsanto MON810 strain.

In Lyon, France, a ruling was given by the court after Paul Francois, a grain grower, advised that Monsanto had failed to provide sufficient warnings on its Lasso Weedkiller product label. Lack of warnings has caused neurological problems, including headaches and memory loss.

WELL DONE EUROPE

ZAY ZAY

Uptown Downstairs Abbey

The third season of "Downton Abbey" premieres in England in September, and on PBS in January 2013.

COMING SOON ..........

Dark Shadows is an upcoming fantasy comedy film based on the 1966–1971 and the 1991 revival gothic soap opera of the same name. The film is directed by Tim Burton and stars Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins, a 200-year-old vampire, as well as Michelle Pfeiffer as his cousin Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, a reclusive matriarch of the Collins family.



In 1752, the Collins family sails from Liverpool, England to North America. The son, Barnabas, grows up to be a wealthy playboy in Collinsport, Maine and is the master of Collinwood Manor. He breaks the heart of a witch, Angelique Bouchard, who turns him into a vampire and buries him alive. In 1972, Barnabas is accidentally freed from his coffin and returns to find his once-magnificent mansion in ruin. The manor is currently occupied by Barnabas' dysfunctional descendants, all of whom are hiding dark and horrifying secrets.

LETTER FROM THE FA TO EVERTON FC

Meanwhile, At The Smithfield Horse Fair

IF YOU'RE INTO THIS SORT OF THING ...... YOU CAN FIND THE FULL STORY HERE
-> http://www.broadsheet.ie/2012/04/02/meanwhile-at-the-smithfield-horse-fair/

FOR THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS

THE PEOPLE ......



......... AND THE PLACES

Liverpool to erect statue of Andy Carroll as a replacement for Andy Carroll

Liverpool have announced that they will attempt to increase Andy Carroll’s goals to game ratio by replacing him with an Andy Carroll statue that will be situated in the Anfield car park.

The striker, who moved to Liverpool from Newcastle for a fee of £35m in January 2011, currently weighs in with an average of 0.17 goals per game, and manager Kenny Dalglish is hopeful that this would be bettered by an inanimate object several hundred feet away from the pitch.

“I think a statue of Andy positioned away from where the game is being played would be able to impose itself on the action much more effectively,” revealed Dalglish.

“Andy needs to get himself in the right areas at the right time, and based on his performances over the last year, the right area for him to be is not on the pitch, and the right time is when a game is being played.”

The closest Carroll came to scoring in yesterday’s game against Newcastle was when he was walking down the tunnel after being substituted in the 79th minute, and fans of the club are hopeful that this is an indication of the influence he can have on the outcome of games by being nowhere near the field of play.

“I think a 6ft 3inch statue of Andy Carroll made from limestone would be a great signing,” revealed 43 year old season ticket holder Dave Greening.

“Andy has shown what a great job he can do when he sits on the bench.”

“He’s even better when he’s sat in the stands.”

“Imagine what impact he could have if he was replaced with a statue and positioned in the car park.”

“I think the title’s definitely ours next season.”

I DON'T USUALLY TAKE CERSEI'S SIDE ..... BUT

It's always nice to see King Joffrey, the 13-year-old sociopath getting slapped.

Di Matteo continues 45 minute rolling contract

Following the sacking of Andre Villas-Boas, former Chelsea midfielder Roberto Di Matteo has been given a 45 minute rolling contract by the club’s owner, Roman Abramovich, with the option to extend to a full 90 minutes if they are winning at half time.

Abramovich has handed Di Matteo the task of winning the FA Cup semi-final against Tottenham on Sunday the 15th at 6pm.

Former Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho is the bookies favourite to take charge for the second half, with Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola lined up should the match go to extra time.

It is believed that the Russian billionaire will consider turning to former England manager Fabio Capello if the game goes to the lottery of a penalty shootout.

Chelsea manager

A statement on the club’s website read, “We would like to offer Anders our gratitude for his efforts, but his inability to shit trophies everytime Mr Abramovich clicks his fingers means that he had to go.”

Pressure has been mounting on Villas-Boas and he appeared to have a difficult relationship with several of Chelsea’s senior players.

After Saturday's win against Aston Villa he said, “It is my job to prepare the players and instil within them the belief and desire to win.”

“Once they cross the white line it is then up to them to do whatever John Terry or Frank Lampard say.”

Di Matteo revealed he was confident that he would be at Chelsea for the long haul.

“I expect to be here until at least half past eight tomorrow night,” he said.

“Hopefully I’ll be given time to lay the foundations that will allow me to successfully complete the post-match interview.”

LOL

IT'S NO JUSTIFIED ... IT'S NOT EVEN WALKER: TEXAS RANGER

But it does have blood, guts, aliens, chili, hot babes, rednecks, murder and mayhem.

YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE

Gnomes 4u

Angelina Gnomely

Designed to boost mobile phone signal for those in areas of poor reception, Gnomes 4u has been put together by handset retailer Phones 4u. Specially designed garden gnomes which are crammed full of ingenious signal boosting tech, can sit inconspicuously outside your house, bringing full bars of reception to your phone.

The gnomes use conventional gnome accessories, such as fishing rods disguised as aerials, to work their signal-boosting magic. Wi-Fi signals can also be beamed out to your garden using the gnomes special "beard band" tech.

Set to be the must-have outdoor accessory this summer, the Gnomes 4u collection will be available from selected Phones 4u stores across the UK from 1st April priced at £74.99.

A special VIG release of the gnomes will be available from the Phones 4u store in Oxford Street on 1 April. These "very important gnomes" consist of miniaturised version of celebrities with names like Angeline Gnomely and the cast of Eamonn Gnomes.



They can also boost home Wi-Fi and project it through what Phones 4u like to call “beardband” , allowing people to work or browse in the garden during the warm summer months.

Lynx Spray App now available on Android

DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER

A Thai recipe book entitled "Cooking With Poo" has won the Diagram Prize for oddest title of the year.

In fact, “poo” is not what you first feared it was. It's Thai for “crab” as well as the cookbook author's nickname.

Saiyuud Diwong runs a community cookery school in one of Bangkok's slum areas.

Her book managed to beat all other contenders for the Diagram Prize in a public vote, leaving behind such promising titles as “The Great Singapore Penis Panic and the Future of American Mass Hysteria” and “Mr Andoh's Pennine Diary: Memoirs of a Japanese Chicken Sexer in 1935 Hebden Bridge”.

Carroll starts against Newcastle to remind him of his job

ANDY Carroll will play for Liverpool against Newcastle this weekend in the hope it will trigger memories of his former behaviour.

Since his move to Liverpool, the semi-tame £35M ponytail­-stand has struggled to remember what he used to do on Saturdays in between getting out of bed and getting incredibly drunk.

Anfield staff have had to shoo him away from the ticket booths and burger stalls, where he was caught trying to put on an apron, as Carroll continues his confused search for meaning.

Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish said: “Every Friday night for the first three months we would find him near the Pier Head, making a keening noise for the Toon.
“Nevertheless, we’re hoping that in 90 minutes he can re­grasp the rudiments of a sport he’s been playing since he was a foal and reduce my looking the twat by enough of a margin to explain the whole Jordan Henderson confusion.”

Carroll, Liverpool's £35m centaur forward, will be transported to the Two Tracksuits For £10 stadium in Newcastle in a soundproofed box to stop him breaking free and galloping amongst his herd along the Tyne Quayside demanding tits be outed for unspecified lads.

Dalglish is hoping that the sight of several goals inevitably sailing into Liverpool's net will awaken some primal urge in Carroll to make his £8M-worth of leg do what it used to as a matter of instinct.

Assistant manager Steve Clarke said: “We used to rub the goal net with a piece of Dirk Kuyt’s bedding to entice him, so I’m sure it’ll work with Andy so long as there’s no scent of skank in the crosswind to confuse him.”

Three winning tickets sold in record $656 million U.S. lottery

The largest lottery jackpot in U.S. history - a whopping $656 million - will be shared by the buyers of three winning Mega Millions tickets in Illinois, Kansas and Maryland - but their identities remained a mystery, lottery officials said on Saturday.

A pre-dawn call alerted Denise Metzger, manager of a Motomart convenience store, to news from lottery officials that her store had sold a winning ticket in the tiny farming community of Red Bud in southern Illinois, with less than 4,000 residents, about 30 miles southeast of St. Louis.

"I screamed, I woke my husband up," said Metzger, whose retail outlet will receive $500,000 for selling a winning ticket.

The Mega Millions lottery created a stir across the country, with people rushing to buy the $1 tickets in time for a shot at the humongous jackpot. In all, more than a billion tickets were sold.

At least two of the winners' tickets were "quick picks" - meaning all six numbers of the Mega Millions lottery computer selected the lucky numbers announced at the drawing Friday night in Atlanta: 2-4-23-38-46 and Mega Ball 23.

The three tickets each were worth more than $213 million before taxes, if the payout was over 26 years. If taken in a lump sum, the windfall would be about $105.1 million, officials said.

"Each of the winners gets $105.1 million in cash after taxes roughly, but who cares about pennies at this point?" said Carole Everett, spokeswoman for the Maryland Lottery.

BLACKBERRY AND APPLE CRUMBLE

THE GIANT behind BLACKBERRY phones has vowed to go back to basics after plunging into the red.

RESEARCH IN MOTION tore up its business blueprint and admitted defeat in the race to rival GOOGLE.

RIM lost £78million in the three months to March, according to annual results published in the US.

Sales of BlackBerry smartphones dived 21 per cent to 11.1million. BlackBerry's Messenger service has proved a huge hit over the past year — but hardly generates any cash.

Market share figures for the year so far also illustrate BlackBerry's slide. Smartphones using Google's Android operating system account for almost half the market in the US. In the UK, Android's share has gone from 37.8 per cent to 48.5 per cent in the past year.

REMEMBER THESE ?

Google Street Roo - exploring the outback one bounce at a time

After announcing tens of thousands of 360-degree panorama pictures of the Great Barrier Reef in Google Maps earlier this year and launching Street View imagery for the Amazon last week, one of the final frontiers we have yet to bring to your favourite computing device has been the Australian outback. One of our top requests from our users is the ability to roam the vast Australian continent. Unfortunately, the remoteness of the outback has posed a challenge for our traditional Street View cars and trikes.

Today, we’re happy to announce that Google has found an innovative way to capture a special collection of images from the back of beyond to include in Google Street View.

Over the next four weeks, more than a thousand Big Red kangaroos will be equipped with a 360-degree head camera that will automatically capture images when the marsupial is on the move during daylight hours.

The cameras on our Street Roo collection team will be powered by solar panels stitched into the back pocket of custom-made roo jackets. Images will be wired to Google in real-time. A GPS tracker embedded into the jacket will match the location of the kangaroo to ensure the image is accurately uploaded onto the new Street View layer.

To ensure a seamless experience - and to avoid motion sickness - we have also developed software that will smooth over the bouncing effect experienced with the raw data. Users will be able to move backwards or forwards in Google Street Roo as they would use Street View, like this:

Leading marsupial specialists undertook extensive research to ensure that the image capture activity would not interfere with the roo’s grazing, sleeping or breeding activities. The cropped jackets that the kangaroos will wear have been designed to keep the pouch area completely accessible for the joey at all times.

The deployment of the ‘roo force’ will begin today and we believe 98% of the Australian outback will be captured on Google Maps within three years.