FOOTBALL S'PIE REPORT

A Highbury couple selling pies on Arsenal match days have been told to take down a joke street sign welcoming hungry fans to “Piebury Corner”.

Nicky Campbell and husband Paul launched the gourmet pie stand from their front garden in Gillespie Road, near the junction with Avenell Road, at the start of the season.

The jolly duo had a realistic street sign made up showing Piebury Corner in the London Borough of Pi’slington - and on match days they stick it up over the Avenell Road one.

But they have now been told to take it down by a council officer – after just one resident complained.

Mrs Campbell, 39, said: “They said there’s been a complaint and we have to take it down. But we’ve not defaced the street sign – we were just covering it up for a few hours as a bit of fun. It’s ridiculous – somebody must have too much time on their hands to moan about that.”

The couple sell up to 200 pies when there’s a game and already have a Facebook fan page in their honour with 255 followers.

Click the link -> https://www.facebook.com/pages/Piebury-Corner-Fan-Page/281966908483754

Mr Campbell, 46, said: “We got away with it for six months and all our neighbours seemed to love it. Whoever complained is just being a killjoy. The officers were fine and let it go until someone moaned.”

But Islington Council’s transport chief said he is not against residents having a bit of fun this week - and the sign can stay. Cllr Paul Convery added: “I don’t believe anybody will get confused about where they are and they’re not damaging anything.”

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and in related news ......................

There is a little independent food
stall near the Arsenal football ground
called Piebury Corner.

They were voted the winner of this
year's Football Pie League by the
fans, which resulted in them being
invited to the Stadium Experience
awards. There their pies won the
Fans' Choice Trophy for Arsenal.

Pie-jacked !

Said trophy was then duly swiped by
Arsenal's catering contractor - who
have no links whatsoever to Piebury
Corner - to be decanted into Arsenal's
somewhat sparse trophy cabinet.
Obviously glad of any silverware
they can get their hands on.

TWITTER

EPIC

EDEN HAZARD:

'I'm signing for The Champions League winners'










FAIL

BRENDAN RODGERS:


'I'm signing for The Carling Cup winners '

Glorious Master Translator

Original ad:

I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!

From Me to ************@***********.org:

Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?

From Me to Scott *******:

Ok, I find three thing may help you:

"Failure of Sound from Device"
"Skipping of disc for poor sound"
"Sound volume low very much"

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?

From Me to Scott *******:

"Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:

1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in"

I hope this help!

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?

From Me to Scott *******:

Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf? does it really say that?

From Me to Scott *******:

I just translate what you give.

From Scott ******* to Me:

no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?

From Me to Scott *******:

Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?

From Scott ******* to Me:

did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one

From Me to Scott *******:

That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!

From Scott ******* to Me:

..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LATER, FROM ANOTHER EMAIL ACCOUNT

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?

From Me to Scott *******:

You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?

From Me to Scott *******:

Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says "Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?"

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

well that is dumb...whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?

From Me to Scott *******:

Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

yea i did that. nothing. is that it?

From Me to Scott *******:

Well, you're not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or "audio demon." You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.

Mike

From Me to Scott *******:

Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?

I ASSURE YOU, THIS IS REAL

Click here to view full screen

AND THIS IS NOT THE ONLY MUG SPURS ARE TRYING TO SHIFT DURING THIS SUMMERS TRANSFER WINDOW,

Why we should keep penalty dramas and get rid of Blatter

Penalty shoot-outs have given us some of the greatest moments in sporting history, moments we wouldn't have missed for the world ........

..... but Sepp Blatter has admitted that tired players taking penalties is not an ideal way to settle drawn matches.

Instead he wants women in tight shorts to take them.

Blatter wants football to say goodbye to the penalty shoot-out and football wants to say goodbye to Blatter, preferably via a shoot-out.

He hasn't proposed a replacement but, given his track record, experts are not ruling out rock-paper-scissors.

Penalty shoot-outs have given us some of the greatest moments in sporting history, moments we wouldn't have missed for the world.

Moments like Antonin Panenka's impish dink that won the 1976 European Championship for Czechoslovakia, Jerzy Dudek's save from Andriy Shevchenko that handed Liverpool the Champions League in 2005, and John Terry's slip-up in Moscow in 2008.

Shoot-outs define a tournament. They distinguish the men from the boys. They decide between heroes and villains. And, more importantly, they delay News At Ten.

What'll be next Blatter ............................ Goal celebrations ????

JOHN TERRY WAS FOLLOWING ORDERS

Chelsea captain John Terry was the subject of widespread derision for changing into his kit during the Champions League final despite being banned for the match. But it has emerged that a UEFA edict called for suspended players to collect their medals in team shirts rather than suits so the trophy presentation pictures looked more uniform.

This from The Mail online ..... but try to find an apology anywhere

THE ZOMBIES ARE HERE ..................

Miami Police Shoot, Kill Man Eating Another Man’s Face

MIAMI (CBSMiami) – Miami police are still tight-lipped about the man they shot and killed on the MacArthur Causeway Saturday afternoon, but new details back claims they had no choice: the naked man they shot was trying to chew the face off another naked man, and refused to obey police orders to stop his grisly meal, which one source now claims included his victim’s nose and eyeballs.

Surveillance video taken from security cameras at the nearby Miami Herald building show a police officer arrive on the scene, appear to be startled by the spectacle of two naked men lying on the street, and draw his service weapon. It appears that the officer shot one of the men, but it was difficult to tell in the video.

The bizarre shooting happened shortly after 2 p.m., when police responded to a 911 call about two naked men fighting on a bike path along the Causeway, which was packed with traffic on a busy holiday weekend.


REAL LIFE COPIES ART IN MIAMI, THIS MTV SHOW MAY BE USED FOR ACTUAL TRAINING PURPOSES IN THE NEAR FUTURE ??? ....... AND IF NOT, YOU SHOULD
WATCH IT ANYWAY ........................................................ IT'S A HOOT.


Miami police have not confirmed the details of what happened next, but sources close to the investigation told CBS4 News that officers found one man gnawing on the face of another, in what one police source called the most gruesome thing he’d ever seen.

The fight was taking place at the causeway exit near the Miami Herald building, and amazed officers tried to stop it, ordering the man making a meal out of the other man to stop.

Click here for the full story -> http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/05/26/miami-police-confrontation-men-leaves-1-dead-1-hurt/  

HAZARD SIGNS

WOY WELEASES BAWWY

Woy Hodgeson continues with his purge of the English squad today by releasing yet another player with too many 'R's in his name.

Gareth Barry joins Rio Ferdinand, Jamie Carragher, Peter Crouch, Michael Carrick and Daniel Sturridge on the sidelines as Woy wavages the squad, hunting down players who's names he cannot pwonounce.

When asked about Woy's decision, England Captain Steven Gerrard said 'I'm keeping me head down, Roy is the best manager I've ever worked under and we are going to win the European Cup ..... and anyway, English fans call me Stevie Meeeeeeeeeeeee .... and I've finally decided that I like that name'.

Everton centre-back Phil Jagielka, who may join the squad released a statement saying 'People have laughed at my name since I was a lad, many can't believe that I'm a Manchester boy, born and bred. I've been the butt of jokes because of my handle all my life ...... but look who's having the last laugh now'

Wayne Rooney won't be playing in the first two games because of a suspension but reckons that with only one 'R' in his name, he may get away joining the squad later in the tournament.

Andy Carroll and John Terry were unavailable for comment.

WHY THE INTERWEB IS GREAT

A song in 'tribute' to Leicester City striker Yann Kermorgant following his disastrous penalty kick in the Championship play-off semi final second leg shoot-out against Cardiff.

'THERE GOES HIS EVERYTHING ..................'

On my way to Baku in Azerbaijan to meet a childhood hero of mine, Engelbert Humperdinck, who has been representing the United Kingdom in the 57th Eurovision Song Contest this evening . I shall be congratulating him on his performance but informing him that he did not win the competition ........ in fact he has now spent less time in Europe than Tottenham.



It's a great job ..... and I love doing it.

..... AND THE WINNER IS ............

Eden Hazard is a footballer in demand at the moment and, boy, has he really gone out of his way to put himself in the shop window.


Hazard has teased and pouted his way through the most embarrassing transfer auction of recent times, smiling beguilingly through the glass at his suitors and making it abundantly clear that he is absolutely and totally committed to whoever happens to be walking past with the largest wallet.

Right now, Hazard is on the verge of accepting a huge money deal from either Chelsea, Manchester United, Manchester City or even - and don't laugh - Arsenal, depending on which paper you read.

City are said to be cooling on the transaction, allegedly because of the outrageous demands being made by agents.

While Arsenal appear to have as much of a chance of signing Hazard as Portsmouth.

But the suggestion kept his publicity machine spinning along regardless.

NOT THE NEXT MESSI

While there is nothing wrong with the Belgian trying to negotiate the most attractive deal for himself as he exits Lille, the manner in which he has gone about it has undeniably cheapened his appeal.

He broadcast he would reveal his chosen club last weekend, plugging this momentous declaration for all it was worth (which, according to reports, could be anything up to £32million and £200,000 a week).

But it turned out it was another tease and the protracted sale was dragged out a little longer.

Hazard said this week: 'I don't know when I'll make a decision. It will be Manchester City, Manchester United or Chelsea. The decision will depend on the amount of play I would see and the position.'

And the cash, of course.

Regular viewers of The X Factor hope to see the young Belgian running around on stage in three different football strips over the weekend, and they will then have the chance of voting for which ever colour they think suits Eden best [calls will be charged at the usual rates].

Also keep your eyes peeled during The 57th Annual Eurovision Song Contest coming from Azerbaijan tonight in case Hazard decides he might indicate in some manner which direction the wind may be blowing.

The danger now is that by the time Hazard arrives in the Premier League, everyone will already be heartily sick of him.

..............................................................................................................................................

MEANWHILE ........................

After being released by Aston Villa, former England striker Emile Heskey is believed to have arrived in Hull to discuss a move to Leicester, missing his targeted destination by approximately 83 miles.

Heskey is believed to have veered off course after spotting some goalposts on a playing field on the A38 outside leicester.

The former Liverpool and Wigan frontman, who scored 9 goals for Aston Villa in 90 league appearances, is believed to be keen on a move back to his hometown club as soon as he’s worked out where it is.

AND ....................

Owen vows to continue top-­flight sitting

The collapsible striker was released by the club after caretakers were doing a closed season clearout at Old Trafford and noticed him in the corner of a storage cupboard gingerly massaging the back of his thigh.

Owen said: “I still take a keen interest in the game and from what I’ve seen from the television in my living room, there’s Premier League benches out there I think I could definitely sit on whilst looking at my iPhone and wearing a big Puffa jacket.

“I’m fairly young at 32 – my right leg is still only a toddler – but I’m not ready to drop a division as most of their benches aren’t heated and the cold would absolutely cripple me.”

Owen will launch MickeyTV, a new channel in the high 800s of the Sky box, via which he will encourage managers to call in and make a bid until he is signed.

The channel will feature soft ­focus footage of him getting off a coach, sitting on a bench, running up and down a touchline a few times, sitting back down on a bench and getting on a coach, to show managers what they could be getting.

Sofa manufacturers DFS are believed to have approached Owen about a sponsorship deal, and Anusol have also shown an interest.

But Owen said: “Although I’ve been concentrating on my sitting, my heart is still in playing football, and I can’t wait to get back out there and battle against great defenders like Tony Adams and Marcel Desailly.

Barcelona wins Copa del Rey final

Barcelona provided Pep Guardiola with the perfect sendoff by routing Athletic Bilbao 3-0 in the Copa del Rey final tonight, the club's 14th trophy in four seasons under its most successful coach.

Fans filling the 55,000-seat Calderon Stadium were united moments before the start as Catalan and Basque spectators jeered the playing of the Spanish anthem, just as they did in Valencia three years ago when Barcelona's 4-1 win over Bilbao provided Guardiola with his first title.

Pedro Rodriguez scored in the third and 25th minutes, and Lionel Messi ended his record-setting season with his 73rd goal in the 20th minute. The Catalan club demonstrated the virtues the marked Guardiola's four seasons in charge -- quick-touching passing, intricate combinations and clinical finishing.

CARLOS PUYOL DOES A 'JOHN TERRY'

The most shocking part of the event came after the game ..... when Carlos Puyol and David Villa both took to the pitch in full Barcelona strip to celebrate with the trophy ........... OMG ....... they hadn't even played !!

WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END ? ............................ WHAT HAS JOHN TERRY STARTED ?
Unless he wasn't the first footballer in the history of the beautiful game to have ever done that after a final ... Hmmmm

Premier League rivals count the cost of Chelsea's Champions League triumph over Bayern Munich

Chelsea’s penalty shoot-out win against Bayern Munich last Saturday night will cost Manchester City, Manchester United and Arsenal tens of millions of pounds.

The Blues’ triumph will reduce the amount available to their Premier League rivals from the Champions League ‘market pool’. That is the guaranteed sum available to English clubs from Sky and ITV’s broadcast deals with Uefa.

Under the most recently applied formula, for the 2010-11 Champions League, European football’s governing body gave 32.2 per cent, or £27 million, of what went to English clubs to the then reigning domestic champions, Chelsea.

Then 30.9 per cent, or £25.9 million, went to the previous season’s second-placed side, Manchester United, another £16.6 million to Arsenal, who had come third domestically, and £14.4 million to Tottenham Hotspur for their prior year’s fourth place.

However, following Chelsea’s success against Bayern — which has forced Spurs out of next season’s Champions League tournament and into the Europa League — Uefa has devised a new formula for the ‘market-pool’ distributions. This would see Chelsea take 30 per cent of the spoils despite having finished sixth in the Premier League.

The share available to the champions, Manchester City, would consequently be reduced to 30 per cent, United’s would fall to 25 per cent and Arsenal’s to a mere 15 per cent. With Champions League payments to clubs set to double from next season, that would have a punitive effect on the other English clubs.

The difference in the two funding formulas could cost United as much as £9.8  million, Arsenal up to £8 million and Manchester City perhaps £3.7 million. But Chelsea would be the big beneficiaries. Had they finished fourth and gone in to the group stage through the qualifying rounds they would have earned up to £21.5  million less than under the revised formula.

A Uefa spokeswoman, who did not comment on the shift in the formula for next season when asked on Tuesday night, did say that any revisions to the calculations will have to be approved by its executive meeting in July.

THESE NEVER GET OLD

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE 2012 HIGHLIGHTS

ucl2012 by scruttock25

FAREWELL DIDIER DROGBA

Chelsea Football Club can confirm Didier Drogba will be leaving the club when his contract expires at the end of June.

Didier has spent eight years at Chelsea, and everyone at the club would like to thank him for his service and wish him luck and continued success for the future.

Didier leaves Chelsea having scored 157 goals in 341 appearances. He is the club's fourth all-time highest scorer, his 34 goals in European competition is a Chelsea record by 10 goals and his nine strikes in nine cup finals has contributed immensely to the most successful period in the club's history.

He won three Premier League titles, four FA Cups, two Carling Cups and now, in the most dramatic and glorious of circumstances, the Champions League. He has been named Chelsea's Player of the Year and Players' Player of the Year and won the Premier League Golden Boot twice.

The 34-year-old said: 'I wanted to put an end to all the speculation and confirm that I am leaving Chelsea. It has been a very difficult decision for me to make and I am very proud of what we have achieved but the time is right for a new challenge for me.

READING 'THE SUN' IS LIKE WATCHING FOX NEWS

US Embassy would embrace Chelsea as neighbor

LONDON (AP) - The U.S. Embassy says it would embrace Chelsea as neighbors if the European champions build a stadium near the embassy's planned new site in London.

Britain's Sun newspaper claimed Monday that U.S. diplomats complained about Chelsea's bid to buy Battersea Power Station with a view to building a 60,000-seat stadium on the site.

This is the design for the new US Embassy

But the U.S. Embassy said in a statement to The Associated Press that "neither the U.S. Embassy in London nor the Department of State in Washington intervened to block the Chelsea Football Club's bid to buy the Battersea Power Station. In fact, the Embassy has been generally supportive of initiatives to bring development and jobs to the Wandsworth and Battersea areas."

The U.S. is moving its embassy from Grosvenor Square, while Chelsea is exploring leaving Stamford Bridge.

NEXT SEASON ......... SPURSDAY NIGHT

DIDIER BOW'S OUT - A LEGEND

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has told his team-mates that he is leaving the club this summer and says he is preparing "for a great leap into the unknown" away from Stamford Bridge.

Drogba, 34, scored a dramatic late equaliser for the Blues in Saturday's Champions League final before netting the crucial penalty in the shootout as he ended the club's long wait for a Champions League trophy.





But it seems the Ivory Coast international's decisive contributions in Munich were his last for the club, as he is planning "another adventure" after eight years in West London.

"We [he and his team-mates] will not be together next season," Drogba is quoted as telling France Football magazine. "As I have decided to leave, I wanted to tell them to their faces.

"They made me break down. I found it hard to admit that it was finished with me and the club. But I don't envisage sitting on the bench watching others play at a time when the club is looking at putting together a new team.

"So there we go, I am readying myself for a great leap into the unknown. It will be another adventure."

Drogba's team-mates chanted for him to stay in front of jubilant Chelsea fans during Sunday's victory parade, but the striker's future now appears certain to be elsewhere.






He has been heavily tipped to join former strike partner Nicolas Anelka in China, where the Frenchman is currently player-manager at big-spending Shanghai Shenhua.






DIDIER DROGBA .......... 157 GOALS FOR CHELSEA ..... 9 GOALS IN 9 FINALS ......
FA Premier League (3): 2004–05, 2005–06, 2009–10
FA Cup (4): 2006–07, 2008–09, 2009–10, 2011–12
Football League Cup (2): 2004–05, 2006–07
UEFA Champions League (1): 2011–12
FA Community Shield (2): 2005, 2009

MY VERSION OF 'THE CAMERON MEME'

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PETR

BACK FROM MUNICH ... TAXI TO TOTTENHAM

To congratulate Harry Redknapp on getting Spurs to 4th place in the Premiership this season ........ and to tell him that Chelsea have won The Champions League ....... so Tottenham WON'T be playing in the Champions League next season.

They will be playing in The Europa League on Spursday nights.

It's a great job .... and I love doing it.

CONSEQUENCES

CHELSEA GET A STAR

CLICK HERE TO SEE FULL SCREEN

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR WILL PLAY IN THE EUROPA LEAGUE NEXT SEASON

CLICK HERE TO SEE FULL SCREEN

BAYERN MUNICH 1 CHELSEA 1 (3-4 ON PENS)

Moscow seems a long time ago now as the ghost of 2008 was buried by a penalty shoot-out win for the Blues.

Chelsea seemed dead and buried when Bayern Munich took the lead after 82 minutes of a game they dominated in the face of some high-class Chelsea defending, but showing the resilience yet again that had taken us all this way to Munich, Didier Drogba netted his ninth goal in nine cup finals with two minutes left to play.


Bayern Munich 1-1 3-4 Pen Chelsea (Final) by goalsarena2012-3

Cech then saved a penalty, given away by Drogba in extra-time, and not converted by Arjen Robben, so 10 more penalties had to be taken to determine the destiny of the European Cup.

It didn't start well as Juan Mata failed with Chelsea's first but Cech saved one and Bastian Schweinsteiger struck woodwork before that man Drogba stepped up to win the competition for the first time for a London club, with the satisfaction that it had been acheived in our opponents' stadium and the added prize of qualification for next season's Champions League.

CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE

Chelsea have been crowned European club champions for the first time in their history after a dramatic penalty shoot-out win in Germany.

They overcame Bayern Munich in their home stadium to win the Champions League after the match went to extra time.

Didier Drogba was Chelsea's hero, scoring the equalising goal in the dying minutes of normal time and netting the spot kick to win the shootout 4-3.

He was nearly the villain when he conceded a penalty in the first half of extra time, but Dutchman Arjen Robben's shot was saved by Chelsea's other hero on the night, goalkeeper Petr Cech.

At 34, Drogba is said to be leaving Stamford Bridge, so his winning goal could well be his last kick for the club. But the Ivorian star will certainly be immortalised as a Chelsea legend by the fans.

He said of his team-mates on ITV: "They never give up until the end. This team is amazing.

"It was written, I think, a long time ago. I want to dedicate this cup to all the managers we've had before, all the players I've played with before."

Roman Abramovich, the club's owner, joined in the celebrations from the stands.

Around 25,000 fans from the west London club packed behind one of the goals in the Allianz Arena, but the Blues were greatly outnumbered by the Germans in red.

CHELSEA SIGNS THREE-YEAR AUDI DEAL

Chelsea Football Club have signed a three-year deal with the German car maker, which will see Audi branding featuring on the Stamford Bridge LED boards at home matches, with racing-style Audi seats to be incorporated into the dugouts.

Audi joins an impressive list of global sponsors of Chelsea, headed by premium partners adidas and Samsung, and most recently complemented by the Sauber F1 team, with whom we partnered at the beginning of the month.

Audi UK director Martin Sander added: 'Chelsea offers us the broadest scope for future opportunities, and our brands are very closely aligned in terms of innovation and progressiveness, or "Vorsprung durch Technik" as we call it.

Peter Schwarzenbauer, member of the board of management for marketing and sales of AUDI AG, added: 'We cordially welcome Chelsea to the Audi football family.

'With its more than 100-year tradition, millions of supporters worldwide and numerous trophies, the club is one of the top teams in international football and we are looking forward to working together in the future. But for the moment, we are anticipating a thrilling finale in Munich together with all football fans.'

As one of the world's most successful car brands, AUDI AG delivered a record 1.3 million premium vehicles worldwide in 2011 and generated a record 5.3 billion Euros of pre-tax profit last year alone. The company has a strong and rising brand image as a mature global premium manufacturer.

In the UK Audi delivered more than 113,000 new cars to its customers, an increase of 14 per cent over 2010 and an all-time record for the company which now offers an impressive 41 different model types in this country.

DEAR NEIGHBOUR ........................

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,
Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.

Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isnt as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and Im not Jack London.

I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.

As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.

Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm

To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.

I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.

And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.

I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.

It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.

Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again arsehole? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am

To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:

1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.

As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:

What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?

Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f*ck up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges. I don't know what you people do in your own country but in America we don't go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm

To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?
Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm

To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.
Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

'F*ck off back to Austria !'

'NUFF SAID

QUE SERA, SERA .... WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE

WE'RE GOING TO GERMANY ...... QUE SERA,SERA



IT'S NOW IN THE HANDS OF THE GODS




9 Reasons why Chelsea must win this final

1. The last team (Inter Milan) to knock
Barcelona out of the Champions League went
on to lift the trophy and win the competition
against Bayern Munich in the final.

2. The last time Atletico Madrid won the
Europa League, Chelsea won a Double.

3. The last English team (Manchester United)
to knock Barcelona out of the Champions
League, went on to lift the trophy and won
the competition.

4. An English team (Manchester United) has
previously won the FA Cup and gone on to
win the Champions League, beating Bayern
Munich in the final who lost the DFB Pokal
during that season.

5. The last time Manchester City won the
league title, an English team (Manchester
United) won the European Cup.

6. All Champions League finals played in
Munich produced a winner of the
competition for the first time in their history
(Nottingham Forest, Marseille and Dortmund).
They all took place in Bayern Munichs
previous home, the Olympia stadium.

7. The last time Manchester United went
Trophyless, an English Club won the
Champions League (Liverpool) and they
didn't finish in the top 4.

8. The Champions League Finale is on 19-05
and Chelsea Football Club was found in 1905

9. And last but not least for chelsea:

2000: Quarterfinal
2004: Semifinal
2008: Final
2012: ????

FAIR PLAY GOAL OF THE YEAR

Norwegian premiership on May 13th, 2012.

While most of the planet were fixated on Manchester City's epic title win on Sunday, Norwegians were busy picking apart a freak incident during Brann's crucial win at Lillestrøm.

First thing to point out was the significance of the contest: both Lillestrøm and Brann are already battling relegation at this early stage on their domestic campaign. Lillestrøm, no wins in their opening eight matches, sit second-bottom of the Tippeligaen, whilst Brann have fared almost as badly with just two wins and a draw in their first 8 matches.

So what happened ?

After a thrilling first period, Brann were 2-3 up at the start of the second half. Then, in the 49th minute, the match was halted as a Lillestrøm player went down injured and the hosts kicked the ball into touch.

Etiquette dictates that Brann should have returned the ball back to Lillestrøm once the play is resumed, and Erik Mjelde tried to do that. But he amazingly FAILED, scoring a freak 60-yard goal that incredibly bounced over keeper Stefan Magnusson and into the net.



After scoring came the question of conscience. Should Brann allow Lillestrøm a goal to make amends for the freak golazo, or alternatively (considering the desperate need for points) should Magnusson's error be put down to his own foolishness and thus the match should carry on at 2-4? The Brann answer was mixed.

Whilst most in the visitors team allowed Lillestrøm striker Björn Bergmann Sigurdarson a free passage on their goal, Brann goalie Piotr Leciejewski worked hard at trying to stop the striker from scoring. In the end, Sigurdarson buried his shot to leave the final scorecard reading 3-4 in favour of Brann.

FREAKY DEAKY

Chelsea backed to win Champions League ... by a Llama

Forget the fitness battle of David Luiz and Gary Cahill - Chelsea boss Roberto di Matteo has been handed an unlikely boost after a Llama predicted his side would win their Champions League final against Bayern Munich on Saturday.

Following on from the success of Paul the Octopus, who, before his untimely death, was made famous for his successful predictions of Germany World Cup matches, the owners of Ashdown Llama Park in East Sussex are preparing themselves for pandemonium after discovering that one of their star Llamas has an astounding ability to predict the results of football matches.



When struggling to agree on the outcome of the FA Cup Final earlier this month, the park owners decided they would leave it to the Llama to pick the result, and when he went for Chelsea, they thought they could be on to something. Keen to test out if this was just a fluke or a phenomenon, the park decided to get his prediction for the next big final – the Champions League Final on May 19.

In the film, the unnamed Llama is seen dribbling around his pen, eyeing up two coloured balls representing each of the competing teams. After deliberating his decision, he saunters up to the balls and then head-butts the blue Chelsea ball off its stand.

If the Llama correctly calls the result between Chelsea and Bayern Munich this weekend, the park has already announced its plans to capture his predictions for England’s Euro group matches. It is unclear what happens to the animal should he get the result wrong however...

HERE'S HOPING ..................

...... THAT PETR CECH CAN ENJOY HIS BIRTHDAY ON SUNDAY WITH A CHAMPIONS LEAGUE MEDAL .... AND PERHAPS A PARADE ..... IN FULHAM ...... AT AROUND 4PM.

GOOD LUCK TO THE BOYS IN BLUE ......... KTBFFH.

UEFA Champions League Final Countdown Clock | CountingDownTo.com

UEFA Champions League Final Countdown Clock | CountingDownTo.com

YOU'VE BEEN MERKED RIO

'MR PREDICTION' SPEAKS - [15th May 2012]

Mark Lawrenson expects Kenny Dalglish to continue as Liverpool manager after the Scot met with the club's owners in the United States.

"My gut feeling is that he'll be OK in terms of his job," ex-Liverpool player Lawrenson told BBC Radio 5 live.

"I'd be very surprised if he'd gone over to Boston and they said they didn't want him. This meeting was always scheduled.

"He has to give a written report on the way the season went. It was always going to be in Boston."

BBC football analyst Lawrenson, who was Dalglish's Anfield team-mate in the 1980s, feels Liverpool's cup success helped the manager's prospects.

He added: "Maybe they had a conversation asking whether he wanted to continue managing or whether he wanted to go back upstairs where he was before.

"I can't believe for the life of me that they would say, 'Thank you, but no thank you'.

Click here to see more football bo**ocks from the mind of Mark Lawrenson -> http://www.myfootballfacts.com/Mark_Lawrensons_Predictions_2011-12.html

JUST OFF TO LIVERPOOL

To congratulate Kenny Dalglish on winning the Carling Cup this season and to tell him that he need not turn up at Melwood tomorrow morning as he's been fired by Fenway Sporting Group .... so he is no longer the manager of Liverpool FC.



It's a great job ....... and I love doing it .

YOU KNOW THE LINE

'YOU BASTARDS !'

THIS IS WHAT THE INTERWEB WAS MADE FOR

JUST OFF TO MANCHESTER

To tell Rio Ferdinand that he was voted 'Barclays Centre-Back of the 20 Seasons Fantasy Team' by a panel of experts .......... but that he WON'T  be playing for England in this years UEFA European Championship.


It's a great job ..... and I love doing it.

STEVE KEAN

"WE'LL FINISH IN THE TOP HALF AND WE'LL WIN THE CARLING CUP"



Former Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce has instructed lawyers to initiate proceedings against his Ewood Park successor Steve Kean, Press Association Sport understands. The action comes in relation to unguarded comments made by Kean about Allardyce to supporters while secretly being filmed last summer.

The four-minute video, apparently filmed during Rovers' pre-season trip to Hong Kong, was released on the internet overnight. In footage in which expletives are used, Kean also appears to predict Rovers will finish in the top half of the Premier League and win the Carling Cup.

A TRIBUTE TO STEVE KEAN FROM THE BLACKBURN ROVERS FANSITE

As a tribute to our great leader's newfound fame in the Twittersphere I propose we post our own contributions to the globe's hottest new online sport.

"An' so I looks at him, dead serious like, an' I says: 'Listen Barack. Ya haftee send wur lads in. Ya'll not get this chance again.' An' he looks up at me an' 'e says: 'You're right Steve. It's a go.' Thasa true story." #SteveKeanLies

" ...and so I said to Michael, "You and Ralph should get your driving licence. You two will go well in F1"

"Tiger", I said, "just turn your right hand a bit more, that'll straighten up your drive"

"So I says 'Usain, just sort your stride out like I showed you and you'll get the world record." True story.

I was sat chatting to a bloke in the pub , and I said " I really hate changing the bags on the hoover" he gave me his card and said to give him a call. So I rang him and said "hello is this Mr Dyson ......."

"in a former life when I was a wee laddy I found a pigs bladder, and blew it up. It was great fun kicking it around..."

"So I said to God, you've made a positive start I can see what your trying to do here, but on the 8th day have a rest, put your feet up. He's never looked back."

It was close to midnight when Edgar rang me (again). He was worried about getting the sack and I'd promised to help him (its an area of employment I'm good at).

I reluctantly put down a tumbler of Highland Queen and got straight to the point.

"Jack's screwing around with Marilyn" I told him "there's your ace, ffs USE IT!"

He thanked me profusely and we never referred to the matter again. True story !

"So I said to Bill, your such a nerd you want to stop messin about with them warcraft toys and get into computer software, its the window to the world, he's never looked back, honestly"

So I said "John, get rid of Pete, I know of a lad called Ringo, he's the best drummer in Liverpool and a great singer too" #stevekeanlies

"Love a good film with the missus, only the clever ones, mind. Remember seeing the sneak preview trailer for 'The Sixth Sense' and thinking 10 seconds in 'Easy. Willis is a ghost, ain't he?' don't see what the fuss was about...."

So I sees to ma man Leonidas, "you only ganna need a couple a hundred fellas. Best make it 3 jus te make sure"

"So I said why not make Kevin Spacey Keyser Söze? No one will be expecting that!" #SteveKeanLies

Manchester City's Carlos Tevez issues apology for brandishing 'RIP Fergie' banner at victory parade

Tevez was pictured on Monday waving the banner during celebrations for City's first title since 1968, having been handed it by a City fan as the squad travelled the streets of Manchester with the Premier League trophy.

The message on the banner is believed to refer to a quote made by Ferguson prior to a derby game in 2009 when, after being asked if he ever saw a time when his team would be underdogs against City, he replied: "Not in my lifetime".

WILL THEY EVER LEARN ?

Rio exclusive: Experience and fearless young guys will help us over the line - April 21 2012

Van der Sar: Manchester United will win Premier League title - April 30 2012

Evra : We can ruin their day - May 12 2012

DOH ! ..... BUT THEY'VE LEARNED THEIR LESSON ................ RIGHT ?

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH !!!!