RAUL MEIRELES JOINS CHELSEA

Chelsea Football Club is delighted to announce the signing of Raul Meireles from Liverpool on a four-year contract.

The midfielder, 28, arrives after just over a season at Anfield in which he made 44 appearances for the Reds.

Born in Aves, Portugal, the highly-rated international began his career with his hometown club before a move to top-flight Boavista, where he spent one season before moving to Porto in 2004.

It was at the Stadio do Dragao that he flourished and helped Porto to a domestic treble in 2005/06. He scored against Chelsea in the Champions League knockout rounds a year later.

Two more league titles followed in 2008 and 2009 and Meireles established himself in the national side, playing under Luiz Felipe Scolari in the lead-up to Euro 2008, where he scored his first international goal.

He played every game in qualifying for the 2010 World Cup, and then scored in South Africa during the 7-0 beating of North Korea to catch Liverpool's eye.

After a low-key start in English football, Meireles came to life in January 2011, scoring five times in six games.

The 5ft 10in midfielder appeared twice from the bench for Kenny Dalglish's side this season before completing his move to Stamford Bridge on transfer deadline day.

Chelsea boss Roman Abramovich buys £90m home on Britain's most expensive street

If you're one of the country’s richest men, it seems there’s only one place to live these days – Billionaires’ Row.

That’s the name given to Kensington Palace Gardens in West London – and Roman Ambrovich is about to become its latest resident.

ROMAN PALACE

The Russian oligarch, who owns Chelsea football club, is the third member in the country’s top ten wealthiest individuals to move to what is now Britain’s most expensive street.

He has bought a £90million mansion which is believed to have more than 15 bedrooms and extensive gardens.

An extraordinary subterranean playground is being built beneath the property which will house a tennis court, health centre and a private museum for his six vintage Ferraris.

No estate agents were thought to have been used in the sale and Mr Abramovich, who is worth £10.3billion, is believed to have bought it outright.

It comes after it was reported that he has suspended £150million renovation plans to turn nine flats in Lowndes Square, Belgravia, into a mansion for himself, his partner Dasha Zhukova and their young son.

The family are believed to have become frustrated with the three-year wait for the Belgravia project to be completed. It is also thought that he was unhappy about not being able to own the whole of the property.

The freehold of Lindsey House is half-owned by the National Trust, meaning he has to allow the public access to parts of the house and grounds on certain days of the year.

His new neighbours in Kensington Palace Gardens include Britain’s richest man Lakshmi Mittal, a steel magnate worth £23.8billion.

Mr Mittal bought his home for £57million from Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone in 2004, and renamed it Taj Mittal.

Residents also include Jon Hunt, who founded Foxtons estate agency, and Ukrainian-born oil magnate, Len Blavatnik, who is worth £4.7billion.

The tree-lined road also houses a number of diplomatic buildings, including the Russian and Israeli embassies, meaning there are police checkpoints at each end and armed officers outside many buildings.

With the average property price in the road rising to £19.5million, it has overtaken Bishops Avenue, in North London, as being the country’s most expensive street.

The figure is 93 times the national average house price of £205,985. Even a single square foot of land in the street would cost you £1,193.

Adding to the street’s allure is Kensington Palace, set back on the eastern side.

The former home of Princess Diana is still the residence of several minor royals.

LOOTING CONTINUES IN TOTTENHAM

Spurs crashed to their biggest home defeat for eight years as Manchester City won 5-1.

Yesterday was not only conclusive proof of the massive gap in class that now lies between Tottenham and the Gulf-oil billionaires of City.

This astonishing away display illustrated that Roberto Mancini has bought a team capable of winning the title and one which has replaced Italian negativity with a flash of Barcelona style.

And Redknapp claimed Modric was not 'right in the head' amid reports of a new £40million bid from Chelsea.

Redknapp said: "His head's been turned. It's probably been turned again last night.

"Anyone who thinks Luka is not being told what's going on is dreaming. Something happened last night, I don't know what. He was OK to play yesterday morning.

I WOULD 8 - 2 BE AN ARSENAL FAN TODAY

Manchester United shattered Arsenal by slamming eight goals past the shell-shocked Gunners at Old Trafford today.

The home side's delirious fans mocked Arsene Wenger with chants of "You're getting sacked in the morning" as Wayne Rooney walked off with the matchball, having scored his 150th Red Devils goal, then adding two more after half-time to complete his hat-trick.

Yet Rooney's efforts did not even account for half of United's staggering tally as they scored eight for the first time since 1999.

Danny Welbeck, Ashley Young, Nani and Park Ji-sung also found the net before Young completed the rout with his second.

It was Arsenal's worst ever defeat against United and the first time they have conceded eight in a league game since 1896.

Update - Mon 29th Aug

Such was the sense of contrition at Arsenal on Monday that around 3,000 fans who traveled to Old Trafford were told they would be offered the compensation of having a future away match ticket paid for.

A PICTURE PAINTS A THOUSAND WORDS

GET WELL SOON DIDIER

CHELSEA SIGN ULISES DAVILA

Chelsea Football Club is delighted to announce the signing of Mexican Under-20 international Ulises Davila from Chivas. Davila, who has signed a five-year contract, can play either as an attacking midfielder or a forward.

Standing 5ft 7in, he is accomplished with the ball at his feet and a fine finisher with a strong team ethic.

The 20-year-old represented his country at this year's Under-20 World Cup in Colombia, helping them to a bronze medal with a goal in their 3-1 third-place play-off win over Gael Kakuta's France, and appearing in all seven of their competitive matches.

Chelsea's technical director Michael Emenalo welcomed the youngster to the club: 'Ulises has been a highly-scouted player by a lot of clubs, and has made great progress in the last couple of tournaments we have seen him play in,' he said.

'We are delighted to have been able to get this deal done, Chivas is a superb club with a strong reputation in player development and world football, and we are confident Ulises will be able to continue his fast development to become an important Chelsea first-team player.'

Davila has come through the excellent Chivas youth system, which has launched the careers of Manchester United's Javier Hernandez, Arsenal's Carlos Vela, Fulham's Carlos Salcido and Mexican international Omar Bravo, who remains with the club at the age of 31.

WHO DO YOU BELIEVE ?

THE SUN V's THE MIRROR - 27th AUG

2 DOWN ..... 1 TO GO

Cesc Fabregas .................................. Luka Modric ................................ Samir Nasri

CESC FABREGAS

It means two trophies in 10 days for the former Arsenal man - who won just the FA Cup and a Charity Shield in all his years with the Gunners - with the European and Spanish champions already having the Spanish Super Cup in the bag this season and thanks to Fabregas and Messi's first-half goal, added the UEFA Supercup trophy to their cabinet.

Worker ballooned after high-pressure air hose 'accidentally lodged in his backside'

An electrician told yesterday how he almost died when his body was ‘inflated’ by a compressed air hose which went up his backside at work.

Gareth Durrant, 26, said he felt like he had been ‘blown up’ as the air- carrying 300lbs per square inch- entered his body in a freak factory accident.

He underwent emergency surgery and more than a year after the accident he is still suffering from the long term effects of his injuries and the trauma.


Mr Durrant was working at Willerby Holiday Homes in Hull – a manufacturer of static caravans – when the incident occurred in July last year.

Pressurised air lines hang from the ceiling and are used to connect to power tools on the production line.

He was wearing shorts and somehow one of these lines went into his bottom, ripping his clothing and sending air rushing inside his body.

Two colleagues were working next to him at the time and it is not known how the air hose came to be attached to him.

Mr Durrant, of Hull, said: ‘I was reaching up to finish the wiring on a caravan at the factory. I knew this air hose was being used close behind me but I just carried on the job as normal.

‘The next thing I knew I felt this strong air being blown on my legs from behind, and then something went up my rectum through the shorts I was wearing.

‘It felt like I had been blown up, it was the biggest shock of my life. There was air fizzing around inside my back passage and stomach, it was so weird.

JUAN WAY OR ANOTHER .... WE'RE GONNA SIGN YOU ......... WE'RE GONNA GITYA GITYA GITYA GITYY ..........

CAN YOU BUY THE PREMIER LEAGUE ?

Premiere's 100 Greatest Movie Lines

100. "I see dead people." — Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment) in The Sixth Sense (1999).

99. "I'd hate to take a bite outta you. You're a cookie full of arsenic." — J.J. Hunsecker (Burt Lancaster) in The Sweet Smell of Success (1957)

98. "You want me to hold the chicken, huh?" "I want you to hold it between your knees." — Waitress and Robert Dupea (Jack Nicholson) in Five Easy Pieces (1970)

97. "You're tearing me apart!" — Jim Stark (James Dean) in Rebel Without a Cause (1955

96. "Yippie kay-yay, mother@#!%er." — John McClane (Bruce Willis) in Die Hard (1988)

95. "I'll be back." — The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) in The Terminator (1984)

94. "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death." — Mame (Rosalind Russell) in Auntie Mame (1958)

93. "Precious" — Gollum (Andy Serkis) in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

92. "You can't handle the truth!" — Colonel Jessep (Jack Nicholson) in A Few Good Men (1992)

91. "I am big. It's the pictures that got small." — Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) in Sunset Boulevard (1950).

90. "Old age... it's the only disease, Mr. Thompson, that you don't look forward to being cured of." — Bernstein (Everett Sloane) in Citizen Kane (1941)

89. "No wire hangers!" — Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) in Mommie Dearest (1981)

88. "We find the defendants incredibly guilty." — Jury foreman (Bill Macy) in The Producers (1967)

87. "How am I funny?" — Tommy (Joe Pesci) in GoodFellas (1990)

86. "Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?" — The Geek (Anthony Michael Hall) in Sixteen Candles (1984)

85. "It was beauty killed the beast." — Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) in King Kong (1933)

84. "Oh, behave!" — Austin Powers (Mike Myers) in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

83. "I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way." — Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner) in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

82. "Dave, my mind is going... I can feel it." — HAL the computer (voiced by Douglas Rain) in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

81. "You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?... They call it a Royale with cheese." — Vincent Vega (John Travolta) in Pulp Fiction (1994)

80. "Show me the money." — Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) in Jerry Maguire (1997)

79. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" — Howard Beale (Peter Finch) in Network (1976)

78. "Hey, don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love!" — Woody Allen as Alvy Singer in Annie Hall (1977)

77. "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow." — Marie Browning (Lauren Bacall) in To Have and Have Not (1944)

76. "They call me Mister Tibbs!" — Sidney Poitier in In The Heat of the Night (1967)

75. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" — Scarlett O'Hara (Vivien Leigh) in Gone With the Wind (1939)

74. "Don't you f———in' look at me!" — Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper) in Blue Velvet (1986)

73. "I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen." — Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) in Say Anything (1989)

72. "If they move, kill 'em." — Pike (William Holden) in The Wild Bunch (1969)

71. "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown!" — Walsh (Joe Mantell) in Chinatown (1974)

70. "Greed... is good." — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) in Wall Street (1987)

69. "Come back, Shane!" — Joey Starrett (Brandon De Wilde) in Shane (1953)

68. "Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!" — Bill Murray as Dr. Venkman in Ghostbusters (1984)

67. "Go, get the butter." — Paul (Marlon Brando) in Last Tango in Paris (1973)

66. "The horror... the horror... " — Colonel Kurtz (Marlon Brando) in Apocalypse Now (1979)

65. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." — Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) in Casablanca (1942)

64. "I am Spartacus." — Antonius (Tony Curtis) and other rebelling slaves in Spartacus (1960)

63. "We belong dead." — The Monster (Boris Karloff) in Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

62. "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." — Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) in The Wizard of Oz (1939)

61. "I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man. Know what I mean?" — Michael Dorsey (Dustin Hoffman) in Tootsie (1982)

60. "Licorice, mmmm. If there's anything I'm a sucker for, it's licorice." — Adam Bonner (Spencer Tracy), biting off the barrel of a candy gun he has pointed into his mouth, in Adam's Rib (1949)

59. "Gentleman, you can't fight here! This is the war room!" — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) in Dr. Strangelove (1964)

58. At a press conference in A Hard Day's Night (1964), a reporter asks Beatle Ringo Starr if he's a mod or a rocker. "I'm a mocker," Ringo replies.

57. "Wait a minute, you ain't heard nothin' yet!" — Jack Robin (Al Jolson), speaking what's frequently cited as the first spoken movie line, in The Jazz Singer (1927)

56. "Yeah, I was in the shit." — Mr. Blume (Bill Murray) in Rushmore (1998)

55. "I have had it with these motherf^%ing snakes on this motherf#$%ing plane!" — Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) in Snakes on a Plane (2006)

54. "Michael... we're bigger than U.S. Steel." — Hyman Roth (Lee Strasberg) in The Godfather Part II (1974)

53. "All of a sudden she's playing Hamlet's mother!" — Birdie (Thelma Ritter) in All About Eve(1950)

52. "Hello, everybody. This is Mrs. Norman Maine." — Janet Gaynor in A Star is Born (1937)

51. "Bond. James Bond." — Sean Connery in Dr. No (1962)

50. "Get away from her, you bitch!" — Sigourney Weaver (Ripley) in Aliens (1986)

49. "So I got that going for me, which is nice." — Carl Spackler (Bill Murray) in Caddyshack (1980)

48. "E.T. phone home." — E.T. (voiced by Debra Winger... maybe) in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

47. "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars." — Charlotte Vale (Bette Davis) in Now, Voyager (1942)

46. "You shouldn't ask me for advice... When it comes to relationships with women, I'm the winner of the August Strindberg award." — Isaac Davis (Woody Allen) in Manhattan (1979)

45. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." — Colonel Kilgore (Robert Duvall) in Apocalypse Now (1979)

44. "That is one nutty hospital." — Bill Murray's Jeff Slater in Tootsie (1982)

43. "You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle." — Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (1933)

42. "I stick my neck out for nobody." — Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) in Casablanca (1942)

41. "You're gonna need a bigger boat." — Brody (Roy Scheider) in Jaws (1975)

40. "Lovely... lovely." — Bob Rusk (Barry Foster) in Frenzy (1972)

39. "I just want to say one word to you - just one word... 'Plastics.'..: There's a great future in plastics." — Mr. McGuire (Walter Brooke) in The Graduate (1967)

38. "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives." — Criswell in Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

37. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti." — Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) in The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

36. "Here's Johnny!" — Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) in The Shining (1980)

35. "Gentleman, you can't fight here! This is the war room!" — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) in Dr. Strangelove (1964)

34. "Top of the world! Made it, Ma!" — Cody Jarrett (James Cagney) in White Heat (1949)

33. "I'll have what she's having." — An older female customer at Katz's Deli, in When Harry Met Sally (1989)

32. "Mother of mercy... is this the end of Rico?" — Rico (Edward G. Robinson) in Little Caesar (1930)

31. "He was the village idiot!"
"Yeah, what'd you do, place?" — Boris Grushenko (Woody Allen) and another Russian soldier in Love and Death (1975)

30. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine." — Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) in Casablanca (1942)

29. "You owe me money!!" — Bert Gordon (George C. Scott) in The Hustler (1961)

28. "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthing babies!" — Prissy (Butterfly McQueen) in Gone With the Wind (1939)

27. "The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club." — Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) in Fight Club (1999)

26. "Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!" — Dr. Strangelove (Peter Sellers) in Dr. Strangelove (1964)

25. "You won't bore him, honey. You won't even get a chance to talk." — Miss Caswell (Marilyn Monroe) in All About Eve (1950)

24. "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." — The Wizard of Oz (Frank Morgan) in The Wizard of Oz (1939)

23. "Go ahead. Make My Day." — Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) in Dirty Harry (1971)

22. "May the Force be with you." — Han Solo (Harrison Ford) in Star Wars (1977)

21. "Get in my belly!" — Fat Bastard (Mike Myers) in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

20. "As far back as I could remember I've always wanted to be a gangster." — Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) in Goodfellas (1990)

19. "Well, there's something you don't see every day." — Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) in Ghostbusters (1984)

18. "I wish I knew how to quit you." — Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) in Brokeback Mountain (2005)

17. "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart." — Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) in The Godfather Part II

16. "Hello, Clarice." — Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) in The Silence of The Lambs (1991)

15. "You sly dog! You got me monologuing!" — Syndrome (Jason Lee) in The Incredibles (2004)

14. "I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!" — Franz Liebkind (Kenneth Mars) in The Producers (1967)

13. "We didn't need dialogue. We had faces." — Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) in Sunset Boulevard (1950)

12. "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night!" — Margo (Bette Davis) in All About Eve (1950)

11. "There's no place like home." — Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) in The Wizard of Oz (1939)

10. "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse." — Don Vito Corleone (Marlon Brando) in The Godfather (1972)

9. "Adrian!" — Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) in Rocky (1976)

8. "You talkin' to me?" — Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro) in Taxi Driver (1976)

7. "I coulda been a contender." — Terry Malloy (Marlon Brando) in On the Waterfront (1954)

6. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." — Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) in Sunset Boulevard (1950)

5. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?" — Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) in The Graduate (1967)

4. "I'm the king of the world!" — Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio) in Titanic (1997)

3. "Rosebud." — Charles Foster Kane (Orson Welles) in Citizen Kane (1941)

2. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." — Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) in Gone With the Wind (1939)

1. "Here's looking at you, kid." — Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) in Casablanca (1942)

I know that No.59 and No.35 are the same ....... it aint my list.

PULP MUPPETS

QUAKE ROCKS WASHINGTON AREA

JOHN OBI MIKEL'S FATHER RETURNS SAFE AND SOUND

All at Chelsea Football Club are delighted that John Mikel Obi's father, Michael, has been found safe in Nigeria.

Mikel has shown outstanding commitment and professionalism during this most difficult of times, and the club will continue to offer its full support to him and his family.‪‬‬

Tottenham rebel Luka Modric goes on strike

LUKA MODRIC went on strike yesterday as Chelsea lodged an official £30million bid for the wantaway Tottenham star

Modric, 25, refused to travel for tonight's Premier League clash at Manchester United.

And the Spurs midfielder has told boss Harry Redknapp he has no intention of playing for the club again.

LUKA MODRIC IN MISERY AT WHITE HART LANE

Redknapp had hoped Modric would be fit for Old Trafford after beating a minor groin injury.

Yet he claimed last night: "Someone has turned Luka's head. Luka will not be with us tomorrow.

"He has a bit of an injury he could have played through but his head's not in the right place at present. We need to get it all sorted out."

A Spurs insider admitted: "Luka is desperate to leave and join Chelsea.

"It is hard to see a way back for him, especially after he has refused to play in such a crucial match."

Spurs chairman Daniel Levy will be furious at Modric's rebellion and may even try to force him to join the team today.

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

JUAN MATA'S ' AMAZING TEKKERS '

Valencia & Chelsea agree Mata fee

Spanish club Valencia say they have reached an "agreement in principle" to sell midfielder Juan Mata to Chelsea.

Juan Mata is on the verge of joining Chelsea from Valencia for a fee of €27m (£23.5m). Mata spoke to André Villas-Boas during the day and the Chelsea manager explained the role he has in mind for the attacking midfielder. Lawyers are finalising details on the deal, which is expected to be definitively closed on Saturday. The Chelsea manager had admitted this week: "We might just add a number in midfield."

A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME

Mata had already turned down the opportunity to join Tottenham Hotspur at the end of July. Tottenham sought to take advantage of a clause in Mata's contract that allowed him to leave the club before 31 July for a set fee of €25m: had Valencia unilaterally blocked a move at that stage, they would have been forced to increase Mata's salary. The player, though, did not want to move to Spurs.

And as for Arsenal .... always wait until the deal is done before posting up a Youtube video so you don't end up looking stupid !

SO GOOD, HE COULD BE A BARCELONA PLAYER ?

See here for a comparison with the originals - > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL7JVJoFvNI&feature=player_embedded

SEPARATED AT BIRTH ?

Talks resume over Spanish players' strike

The Spanish football league (LFP) will resume talks with the players' union (AFE) on today to try and stop strike action that is threatening to halt the start of the season in the country's top two divisions this weekend.

While many believe that wearing safety googles playing against Real Madrid is at the heart of the dispute, this is not in fact what is behind the strike.

The AFE, who are demanding greater protection for players' wages at clubs who have gone into financial administration, last week called a strike for the first two rounds of matches in the top two leagues.

The AFE say around 50 million euros is owed by clubs to more than 200 players, and that a proposed emergency fund of 40 million euros put forward by the LFP was not enough.

The first meeting between the sides on Wednesday ended quickly with no resolution.

The strike action covers Friday to Monday inclusive over the next two weekends.

Some clubs have put out statements saying training had been suspended until Tuesday next week.

CBB DAY 2011 [A day to remember]

THE new Celebrity Big Brother house has emerged like a glorious phoenix from England's shattered capital.

In an inspirational act of defiance against those who would destroy our way of life, Britain's modest, unassuming television executives have worked tirelessly in the aftermath of chaos to create the gleaming CBB house, embodying the noble, fame-based values of modern Britain.

Television executive Tom Logan said: "Don't call me a hero. I'm just an ordinary guy doing what I was trained to do - getting Kerry Katona and Jedward to have an argument about something none of them understand.

"But the real heroes are the viewers at home, who tune in night after night after night to watch a former Grange Hill actor and the wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons have food fights while dressed as caterpillars.

"If those so-called 'ordinary' families weren't prepared to sit on their sofas and look at this while transferring hydrogenated fat into their heads, none of this heroism would be possible.

"Sorry, give me a minute, I've... got something in my eye."

CBB AFICIONADO  MURRAY PAPSCHMEER - " OMG ... IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST EVER "

Meanwhile, outside the capital, selfless television workers are labouring around the clock without meal breaks to restore The Only Way Is Essex to our brave screens.

Ordinary yet remarkable viewer Mr Murray Papschmeer said: "Now I know how my grandparents must have felt like when they shook their fists at the Luftwaffe and began rebuilding their hovel.
"Undeserved fame, grossly flaunted wealth, huge, bouncing charlies - these things make our country what it has become, and they must be rebuilt time and time again."

He added: "I shall take my place on the front line, a bag of cheesy Doritos in one hand and my scrotum clutched defiantly in the other.

"I just wish I had a third hand so I could give a proud salute."

GOONERS

TODAYS JOKE

I went on a first date the other day with this really hot girl, she was asking
me all kinds of questions ......... One was "What's your pet hate?", I replied, " My dog doesn't like being fu*ked up the arse " ................... Haven't heard from her since.


I'll get me bonio !

Help mum, the bear is eating me:

A DISTRAUGHT mother listened on a mobile phone as her teenage daughter was eaten alive by a brown bear and its three cubs.

Olga Moskalyova, 19, gave an horrific hour-long running commentary on her own death in three separate calls as the wild animals mauled her.

She screamed: 'Mum, the bear is eating me! Mum, it’s such agony. Mum, help!'

Her mother Tatiana said that at first she thought she was joking.

'But then I heard the real horror and pain in Olga’s voice, and the sounds of a bear growling and chewing,' she added. 'I could have died then and there from shock.'

Unknown to Tatiana, the bear had already killed her husband Igor Tsyganenkov - Olga’s stepfather - by overpowering him, breaking his neck and smashing his skull.

Olga, a trainee psychologist, saw the ­attack on her stepfather in tall grass and reeds by a river in Russia and fled for 70 yards before the mother bear grabbed her leg.

As the creature toyed with her, she managed to call Tatiana several times during the prolonged attack.Tatiana rang her husband - not knowing he was ­already dead - but got no answer.

She alerted the police and relatives in the village of Termalniy, near Petropavlovsk Kamchatskiy, in the extreme east of Siberia.

She begged them to rush to the river where the pair had gone to retrieve a fishing rod that Igor had left.

In a second call, a weak Olga gasped: 'Mum, the bears are back. She came back and brought her three babies. They’re... eating me.'

Finally, in her last call - almost an hour after the first - Olga sensed she was on the verge of death.
With the bears having apparently left her to die, she said: 'Mum, it’s not hurting any more. I don’t feel the pain. Forgive me for everything, I love you so much.'

Half an hour later, Igor’s brother Andrei arrived with police to find the mother bear still devouring his body. Badly mauled Olga was also dead.

Six hunters were sent in by the emergency services to kill the mother bear and her three cubs.

The double killing is the latest in a spate of bear attacks across ­Russia, as the hungry animals seek food in areas where people have ­encroached and settled on their former habitat.

A weeping Tatiana said that Olga had everything to look forward to, and was happy with her life and boyfriend Stepan.

'My daughter was such fun. She was so cheerful, friendly, and warm,' said Tatiana.

'She had graduated from music school, and just days before the bear attack she got her driving ­licence.'

Her husband and daughter are due to be buried today.

My condolences to her Mother and the rest of her relatives and friends.

Facebook to screen FA Cup for first time

Non-league sides Ascot United and Wembley FC will kick off this season’s FA Cup on Friday night, with the game being streamed to a potential audience of 700 million people.


Social networking site Facebook are 'televising' the clash, which, although will not reach the majority of its potential viewers, is the first of its kind anywhere in sport.

A 90-minute stream will be provided by Budweiser, the competition's new sponsors.

'This is the first time a FA Cup tournament fixture has been broadcast live on the social network, which is great news for football fans and clubs alike.' said marketing director Ian Newell.

The preliminary FA Cup qualifier kicks off at 7.45pm on Friday at Ascot United¹s 1,150-capacity racecourse ground, with the live streaming starting at 7.30pm on the Budweiser UK Facebook page.

TODAYS JOKE

Doctors have just discovered a food they can cause severe pain and suffering years after it's been eaten ............................


It's called Wedding Cake ...

I'll get me Top Hat !

MAKING FRIENDS AND INFLUENCING PEOPLE

Balotelli uses T-shirt to specify love for City rather than Manchester

In the wake of last week's riots, Man City players wore "I (heart) MCR" shirts ahead of their first match of the season at home against Swansea City on Monday night. Mario Balotelli recently made it clear that he does not heart Manchester, though. He told Sky Sports Italia (via the Manchester Evening News):

"I'm not happy in Manchester, I don't like the city," he said.

"Everything's okay with the coach and my team-mates, but the city is not to my taste."

"Do I miss Milan? No, I miss my home, Brescia. I miss my family and friends. I can think of this experience as one of personal growth."

So, for Mario to wear an I love Manchester shirt would be dishonest and if there's one thing Mario isn't, it's dishonest. Instead of refusing to wear the shirt, though, he got creative with it. Using a blue pen, he added the word "City" under the "MCR." A nice touch from Mario. Yet the most amazing part of this is that he he was able to put the shirt on without confusing himself unlike that blasted bib.

Kun Aguero, meanwhile, left his shirt in its original state and ended up scoring two goals after coming on for the final half hour of City's 4-0 win. According to some of the more excitable corners of the media, he is now the greatest player of all time.

Mikel's father missing

John Mikel Obi’s father has gone missing in the Nigerian city of Jos.

Michael Obi, who runs an interstate transport company, did not return home from work on Friday evening and has not been seen since.

Calls to his cellphone went unanswered all of Friday, and by Saturday, the phone was no longer reachable.

Mikel was informed on Saturday morning shortly before traveling with the Chelsea squad for Sunday’s Premier League meeting with Stoke.

It is not clear as yet if it is an abduction, the player's manager John Shittu told KickOffNigeria.com.

“At the moment we have not heard from Mikel's father, or anyone else, so we don't know what it is. At this point, we only consider him missing,” Shittu told KickOffNigeria.com.

Although the midfielder saw out all 90 minutes of Chelsea's 0-0 draw with Stoke, Shittu said the 24-year old is devastated.

“He us totally devastated. We were not sure whether to tell him before the game. But after speaking to the manager, and Mike Emenalo, we agreed that he had a right to be informed if such a serious incident.

“He was under a lot of stress, but he showed a lot of character and mental strength to play against Stoke.”

Justin Bieber Has Successful Sex Change in China

BEIJING - China - Pop starlet, Justin Bieber has had a successful sex change in the Chinese capital, his agent, Marcus Walstock, has revealed.

Millions of Bieber fans worldwide waited in anticipation for the news of their pop hero/heroine's sex change.

The pop star was operated on at the exclusive Chinese Institute of Medical Science, where surgeons conducted the crucial operation on Bieber, working for fifteen hours straight.

"Oh my god, I mean, like, oh my god. Oh, oh, oh my god! I mean, like, like, oh my god! Justin Bieber! Oh my god!" a Justin Bieber fan waiting outside the Beijing Marriot said to reporters covering the spectacle.

The confused surgeon in charge of the operation, professor Xiau Xin Lin, told reporters at a post op briefing that the Bieber job was not a hard one at all but was really baffling all the same.

"Well, Bieber didn't have a penis in the first place so our job was made a lot easier. We just shaved the three pubes and the rest of the operation went pretty smoothly. We didn't know what it was then and we don't really know what it is now, and we're still searching for the words to describe it."

Bieber will resume the world tour in three weeks after a short period of convalescence.

Adebayor asks Spurs to move to the midlands

HARRY Redknapp is reconsidering a loan move for Emmanuel Adebayor after the Man City striker said moving to London seemed like a faff.

As well as requesting that the north London club relocate a lot closer to Manchester so he didn't have to move house, the sub-sedentary striker also asked whether the pitch could be shortened to decrease the amount of running about and advised that he was going to be busy most Saturdays.

MRS JAMIE [I USED TO PLAY FOOTIE]
REDKNAPP ......... SAUCY BINT

Redknapp said: "Our current target men are a philandering bucktoothed lamppost and a lad with the pace and turning circle of St Paul's cathedral, so we’re not saying a definite no just yet.

"My biggest worry about such a move would be Van der Vaart falling to bits while being transported, but I suppose I could sit him on my lap in the front of the Transit."

Adebayor has steadily fallen out of favour at City from first choice striker to regular substitute to being loaned to Real Madrid to his current status of having a restraining order banning him from being within 200 yards of the Etihad stadium.

Several clubs have expressed an interest in the player but the deals have fallen through after he failed to complete any of the medicals, citing his inability to be arsed pulling up his shirt so the doctor could listen to his chest.

Spurs hope that signing Adebayor will stem the tide of players looking to leave the club after it became clear that playing for Redknapp did not guarantee an introduction to his saucy daughter-in-law.

Redknapp said: "I'm sure the fans will realise the sacrifices we have to make to sign top quality players and will relish the chance of driving up the M6 every other weekend to watch Ade stroll about for a bit."

THEY JUST KEEP ON COMING

Spurs boss Redknapp feels Levy should let Modric go to Chelsea

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp and chairman Daniel Levy are split over whether to let star midfielder Luka Modric join Chelsea.



Redknapp is prepared to let the £35million-rated Croat fulfil his Champions League dream so he can bring in up to three top strikers, such as Giuseppe Rossi of Villarreal, Athletic Bilbao's Fernando Llorente or Manchester City's Emmanuel Adebayor on loan.

Levy wants to finance new signings by selling other players and hopes to complete a £20m deal for Peter Crouch and Wilson Palacios to join Stoke.

The difference in opinion threatens to overshadow Spurs' start to the season, already delayed by the postponement of Saturday's game against Everton following last weekend's riots around White Hart Lane.

Redknapp, a contender to be England manager when Fabio Capello leaves after Euro 2012, has kept his own counsel over Modric, saying only that he hopes the player can be persuaded to stay.

But his assistant, Kevin Bond, was forced by the club to backtrack on a radio interview in which he said 'every player has his price'.

Redknapp's son Jamie made the family position clear last week when he said: 'It looks like he'll still be at Tottenham at the start of the season, but if Chelsea are offering £35m it might be cutting off your nose to spite your face [to keep him]. You could buy two or three great players for that.'

Chelsea, who have had two bids for Modric turned down, are weighing up a final offer of above £30m. The decision depends on Levy, who says he is not for sale 'at any price'.

ROMEU AND LUKAKU SIGN ON FOR THE BLUES

FANCY A FOOTIE FLUTTER ?

Terms and Conditions apply.
Click here -> http://www.188promo.com/chelseashirt/

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING

'I asked for Nasri two months ago but I don't have him' - Roberto Mancini

Yea, that's the problem .. they only have 9 midfielders !!

Roberto Mancini has renewed his criticisms of the Manchester City board, describing himself as "worried" going into the new season because of the club's inability to conclude their transfer business earlier in the summer.

Samir Nasri's proposed transfer from Arsenal would once again establish City as the biggest transfer-window spenders in English football, with a net spend in excess of £60m. Mancini, however, is becoming increasingly impatient with the length of time it is taking for his squad to be completed.

The Italian had expected Nasri to be confirmed before Friday's registration point to play against Swansea on Monday, and he still wants at least one more signing. "Last year was the same too," he said. "I don't understand this. I thought we could get all the players we needed three or four weeks ago. But here we are and the deals aren't closed.

"We need this player [Nasri]. I asked for this player two months ago. I'm worried because I don't have this player today and I probably won't have him tomorrow. We play three games in August and I am worried."

The Nasri deal has been held up because the clubs are arguing about the structure of the payments for a deal that would cost City in the region of £23m and a reported £185k pw.

Expect an ' I've always dreamed of playing for Manchester City ' type comment from the Samir Nasri camp soon.

MY MUSICAL MEMORIES

The Seekers were a group of Australian folk-influenced popular musicians that was formed in Melbourne in 1962. They were the first Australian popular music group to achieve major chart and sales success in the United Kingdom and the United States. They were a highly popular band during the 1960s.

ADVICE FOR VILLAS-BOAS

Re: Fernando Torres' concussion



John Lambie, manager of Partick Thistle Football Club ['90-'95] when informed of Colin McGlashan's [striker] concussion during a game in the lower divisions of The Scottish League said .......... ' Tell him he's Pele and get him back on '

ROLL ON SUNDAY

ALMOST THERE .....................

Anonymous Allegedly Threatens to 'Kill' Facebook

The hacking group Anonymous is allegedly threatening to "destroy" Facebook on Nov. 5, accusing the social networking site of spying on users, cooperating with authoritarian governments and abusing people's privacy.

In the video, Anonymous claims that Facebook was working with authorities in Egypt and Syria in order to spy on people and was also allegedly providing information to security companies about users on the site. The settings on Facebook intended to make certain information more private are a "delusion," the group claimed.



But the threat has not been posted on Anonymous' prolific Twitter feed or its blog, anonops.blogspot.com, leading some experts to wonder if it really originates with the group or is a fake.

The video "was posted almost a month ago and yet has not been widely publicised, or publicised at all, on the usual Anonymous channels, the Twitter profiles that appear to be associated are inactive," wrote Rik Ferguson, director of security research and communication at Trend Micro, on a company blog.

Ferguson noted that a Twitter profile associated with the threat also appears to be inactive.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE IN MANCHESTER

PHOTOSHOPLOOTER

Go here to see more -> http://photoshoplooter.tumblr.com/

IT'S FUNNY COZ IT'S TRUE

THE LONDON RIOTS

London furniture store looted then burned to the ground.

Police say that one of the looters fell into an upholstery machine during the incident .......... he's fully recovered now.

BEWARE OF LOOTED ITEMS

Ebay have announced that they will be monitoring all items put up for sale during the London riots and stress that any items that seem suspect will be taken down immediately.

Although looting from an Apple Store is actually called 'Scrumping'.

TODAYS JOKE

Jonathan Ross has just looted a kitchen item from Ikea.

He said it was worth the whisk.


I'll get me apron !

LOOTING

Everyone's at it !!

Or ..... you can go here and see if you can identify a looter for the police
http://catchalooter.tumblr.com/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/metropolitanpolice/6025500442/in/set-72157627267892973/

London rioters: 'Showing the rich we do what we want'

A BBC journalist has spoken to two girls that took part in Monday night's riots in Croydon, who boasted that they were showing police and "the rich" that "we can do what we want".

The pair were drinking wine looted from a local shop at 09:30 BST the following morning.

Croydon was one of several areas plagued by unrest on Monday night, on a third night of riots in the capital. There ware also violent scenes in several other English cities.

ADVICE FOR TODAYS MODERN URBAN LOOTER

BEST TWITTER FROM THE LONDON RIOTS

" Turkish and Asian groups have stood up to & chased off rioters. Bloody immigrants. Coming over here, defending our boroughs & communities. "

THIS WILL GROW ON YOU

Did you know ...................................... The Wilhelm scream is a film and television stock sound effect first used in 1951 for the film Distant Drums. The effect gained new popularity (its use often becoming an in-joke) after it was used in Star Wars and many other blockbuster films as well as television programs and video games. The scream is often used when someone is shot, falls from a great height, or is thrown from an explosion.

The Wilhelm scream's revival came from motion picture sound designer Ben Burtt, who discovered the original recording (which he found as a studio reel labeled "Man being eaten by alligator") and incorporated it into a scene in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. Burtt is credited with naming the scream after Private Wilhelm (see The Charge at Feather River). Over the next decade, Burtt began incorporating the effect in other films he worked on, including most projects involving George Lucas or Steven Spielberg. (It is used in all of the Star Wars and Indiana Jones movies.) Other sound designers picked up on the effect, and inclusion of the sound in films became a tradition among the community of sound designers.

Research by Burtt suggests that actor and singer Sheb Wooley, best known for his novelty song "The Purple People Eater" in 1958 and as scout Pete Nolan on the television series Rawhide, is likely to have been the voice actor who originally performed the scream. This has been supported by an interview in 2005 with Linda Dotson, Wooley's widow.

The Wilhelm scream has become a cinematic sound cliché, and by 2008 had been used in many instances, including over 216 movies, television shows and video games. Some directors, most notably George Lucas, and Quentin Tarantino, include it in almost every one of their productions.

Click here to listen to the original Wilhelm Scream - > http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b5/WilhelmScream.ogg

BAD KOMPANY

The Community Shield match was both hard-bitten and full of incisive football. Nearly all of the attacking flair came from Manchester United, who rallied from 2-0 down to win 3-2 when Nani capitalised on a missed challenge by the Manchester City captain, Vincent Kompany, to run clear, take the ball round the goalkeeper Joe Hart and score in injury time. The game was gripping but not always edifying.

Lescott's header - following an unnecessary foul on James Milner from Patrice Evra - and Dzeko's daisy cutter put City 2 up before half-time. Ferguson no doubt followed that with a blast, and with the decisiveness which is the 69-year-old's hallmark. Rio Ferdinand, Nemanja Vidic and Michael Carrick did not re-emerge; the youth of Cleverley, Phil Jones and Jonny Evans tasked with restoring pride and reputation. It paid off.

And so, just as the chorus of Blue Moon was tuning up, just as the proclamations of Manchester City's ascension to greatness were being written, United did what United do. They rose to the occasion, found another gear. Two goals in five minutes, through Chris Smalling and, magnificently, Nani, brought them level, and left their fiercest, most visceral rivals shell-shocked. Whatever this season, the most open in years, brings, what role United will play is already clear.

KHALDOON AL MUBARAK, CHAIRMAN OF MAN CITY WITH ROBERTO MANCINI
AFTER THE COMMUNITY SHIELD

Once Nani had scored, the outcome was inevitable. City were raging against fate. They could not resist forever. A long ball, a misjudgment by the otherwise impeccable Kompany, and Nani was through, around Joe Hart, and United were in exult. This is just the first battle of the season. It had the air of a significant one.

FINAL SCORE MANCHESTER CITY 2 - MANCHESTER UNITED 3

CHELSEA SIGN LUKAKU

An agreement has been reached with Anderlecht for the transfer to Chelsea of striker Romelu Lukaku. The move is now subject to the player passing a medical and agreeing personal terms.

Speaking after the win against Rangers, Andre Villas-Boas said:

'He [Lukaku] is a very interesting young prospect and we have to be able to position ourselves to be able to get this kind of talent.'

The son of a former Belgian professional, Roger, 18-year-old Lukaku was born in Antwerp in May 1993, and joined the Lierse academy as a 10-year-old, scoring more than a goal a game in their youth team before being signed by Anderlecht at 13.

He signed a professional contract with the Constant Vanden Stock side on his 16th birthday, and wasted no time in making an impression on the first team, making his debut shortly afterwards and contributing 15 league goals in the title-winning 2009/10 season while still only 16.



Standing 6ft 4ins, Lukaku is a powerful presence with a dangerous left foot, and helped himself to 16 league goals last term, while also scoring his first international goals for Belgium. He has 10 senior caps.

Could ‘Breaking Bad’ Leave AMC For Season 5?

AMC is reportedly asking another of its critically acclaimed shows to trim some fat, but the producers of ‘Breaking Bad’ may consider a change of venue over the network’s demands.

Just three episodes into its fourth season and trouble may be brewing for AMC’s critical darling Breaking Bad. According to recent reports, the network and the show’s production company, Sony Pictures Television, have begun talks regarding the fifth (and likely final) season of the show – and those talks have hit something of a wall.

THE PRODUCERS BETTER HOPE GUS DOESN'T FIND OUT WHAT THEY'RE UP TO

The issue stems from AMC once more looking to cut costs. In the case of Breaking Bad, that would mean a season consisting of only 6-8 episodes – rather than the typical 12-13 the series has had in past seasons.


Naturally, series creator Vince Gilligan is none too happy at the prospect of concluding his crime opus with only half the normal episodes at his disposal, and is considering jumping ship, if necessary.

Is this just another case of business minds not coinciding with those on the creative side of things – or are both sides merely making threats in order to better reach a middle ground? Whatever the network’s true intention, Sony has begun to inquire whether other cable networks might be interested in the series – should talks with AMC deteriorate completely.

AMC, which is widely considered to be one of the preeminent destinations for quality television has, of late, been embroiled in some potentially disastrous negotiations with the producers of their biggest hits – that are, arguably, also the reason AMC is as highly regarded as it is.

Of course, a similar cost-cutting initiative resulted in Mad Men missing out on a 2011 season altogether. However, those negotiations ended with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner receiving a very lucrative deal and a similar deal was made for series star Jon Hamm. It is expected the rest of the cast will all see more green in their future as well.

So, is the result of the Mad Men deal now causing AMC to require other programs pinch pennies?

Amidst the Breaking Bad news, comes word that the network has also slashed the episode budget of their biggest hit, The Walking Dead. Reportedly, the zombie series has seen $250,000 per episode eliminated from its sophomore season’s budget – which many are now speculating played a significant part in Frank Darabont’s abrupt departure last week.

Potential suitors for the show would likely insist on more than one season for their trouble, which could put the Breaking Bad crew in a rather tough position. Wrap the series up in fewer episodes, or extend the story by a year (at least).

As this issue will likely affect the outcome of the series, we will be sure to follow up on the negotiations regarding Breaking Bad and AMC.

SIMILAR TO DAMAGES

Due to the low ratings and high costs (despite winning a Golden Globe and several Emmy's), it was speculated early that Season 3 might be the last season of Damages. However, Sony reached an agreement with DirecTV to share the cost of future seasons with its Audience Network (formerly The 101 Network). Several outlets were also approached about sharing the cost of a new season. However, no other network opted to pick it up, leaving The Audience Network as the new broadcaster.

Seems to me like US Television would rather pump out formulaic rubbish than anything with a sense of quality about it ....... Long live America's Got Talent I suppose.

THIS YEARS DISTRICT 9

1st LOOK

ANNE HATHAWAY [CATWOMAN] IN THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

TODAYS JOKE

I joined a Tourettes support group this morning .................... it took about 20 minutes to be sworn in.


I'll get me badge !

HEIL KITLER !

An abandoned kitten, named Kitler by animal rescue staff because of her uncanny resemblance to the Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, is being overlooked for adoption on account of her appearance.


The six-week-old kitten, small enough to fit into a cup, bears a striking resemblance to the German Fuhrer due to a bold black marking across her nose.

The little cat found by a member of the public was severely malnourished and clinging to life after being left abandoned by a roadside.

The kitten was taken to the Wood Green animal shelter in Godmanchest, Cambridgeshire, where she was nursed back to health and is now said to be full of life.

Staff at the centre say she is still in need of a new home and they feel she is being overlooked because of her appearance.

‘We re-home five and a half thousand animals every year but we cannot find a loving owner for Kitler. We think her unusual markings are putting people off,’ said the centre’s spokeswomen Tara Dundon in the Telegraph.

Ms Dundon added: ‘Kitler is an adorable little girl who will make a wonderful addition to the right family. She is really playful and a typical sweet kitten.’

The centre hopes that people will be able to look past the Hilter resemblance to give Kitler a new home.

UPDATE: Kitler finds a new home!

'We have been absolutely amazed at the response we’ve had - over 500 telephone calls and emails from all over the world,' the charity announced on its website, where staff also revealed the mustachioed mite 'prefers to be known' as Luminus.

'We are delighted to say that we have now found a wonderful, loving home for Luminus and we hope this will be the start of a long and happy life for her, now that she has a second chance.'

Snake hitches ride on windshield of moving car

A video of a snake slithering across the windshield of a moving SUV in Tennessee has become an Internet sensation in the short time its been posted on YouTube.

The video was filmed by a Collierville family who were reportedly driving at 65 mph down Sam Cooper Boulevard when the serpent crawled out of his hiding place under the hood of the car onto the windshield.



Rachel and Tony Fisher were traveling down the highway with their children in Memphis, Tennessee when the frightening incident happened. Rachel said in the video description that "her husband caught something out of the corner of this eye...a snake head coming out from under our hood onto our windshield."

Tony grabbed his cell phone camera and began filming the confused reptile as it made its way across the windshield of the vehicle. He can be heard saying that it looked like a water moccasin. "A huge water moccasin," he said.

The Fisher's said they had parked their vehicle in a wooded area the night before. They think the snake crawled up into the engine area of the SUV and then came out when the engine began to heat up.

Action 5 News' Anna Marie Hartman reported the snake was a non-poisonous rat snake.

Next time ... try pulling over for a few minutes to let the creature go on its way.

Introducing the 1,550-calorie donut cheeseburger

Krispy Kreme's concoction is the latest in a line of burger innovations. Last year, Burger King introduced its "pizza burger" and Friendly's in the US replaced its buns with grilled cheese sandwiches.

$8 gets you two Krispy Kreme donuts sandwiching a beef patty, American cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce, egg and bacon.

ONE OF THESE YEARS

Cesc Fàbregas still holds out hope that his transfer to FC Barcelona will happen before his 50th birthday.

Fàbregas started his career as a trainee with FC Barcelona but was signed by Arsenal in September 2003 at the age of 16. Following injuries to key midfielders in the 2004–05 season, he established himself as Arsenal's starting central midfielder and playmaker. He went on to break several of the club's records, earning a reputation as one of the best young players for his position.

Barcelona have 11 days to conclude a deal for Cesc Fabregas if they want to be sure of his inclusion in the Champions League, with Arsène Wenger now planning to select his captain for the start of the new season.

TODAYS JOKE

An Irishman walks up to a ships captain at the fishing docks and ask's him for a
job,the captain say's "have you ever worked on a fishing boat before son" and he replies "no sir I have not ,but what I can tell you is I am the most hard working, honest man you will ever meet" so on a gut reaction the captain gives him a job and say's "we sail in 1 hour be ready".So they sail off and for the first day the Irishman is scrubbing and mopping the decks for 10 straight hours without a break and all of a sudden a big wave comes over and takes him overboard,the second in command run's up to the captain and say's "you know that Irishman you gave the job to ?, "the captain say's "yes".........................  "well he's only fecked off with your mop"...

I'll get me life jacket !

The last blond will be born in 2202

Blondes still have the greatest popularity. But, as it was possible for the scientists to discover, the number of blond beauties steadily is declining, and in approximately 200 years from the present, natural blondes will disappear from the planet.

Researchers have established, that the last fair-haired and blue-eyed person will be born in Finland, in 2202. In this country is the greatest number of blondes. The second place strongly blond is Northern Russia - the Arkhangelsk, Murmansk and Karelian areas. In this region 1 of each 3 girls is fair haired. There are many blondes in Sweden, Denmark, Germany, the truth, in the big cities they have become ever less, too large is the inflow of immigrants from eastern countries promotes that the amount of their children is increased with each year.

For light color of hair the special gene in an organism of the person must have, it carries the characteristic in this connection, it is very easy dominated. Besides that in the family to which the blonde was born, light hair should be with both parents. And it is ever less for such marriages. To tell the truth, in the opinion of the British experts, "the gene of blondism" hardly will completely disappear, from time to time there will be fair-haired people, but very few, very seldom.