Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Angry Scotsman to be released into community

BRITAIN faces the prospect of yet another unemployed, angry Scottish person at large.

Alexander Ghengis Ferguson, a Glaswegian, will be released during the summer, with experts warning of a devastating effect on tourism, the economy and everything else.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “The one thing that puts people off visiting Britain is the very real prospect of being accosted in the street by an inexplicably furious Scotsman.


“Football clubs have proved to be very effective at containing belligerent Scottish people who would otherwise be free to vent their spleen in a public space.

“The football clubs should be forced to keep them, for ever, in a gated community where they can scream at each other and work on their endless, incomprehensible grudges.”

Meanwhile, Ferguson’s release has prompted golf clubs across the UK to draw up contingency plans in case they become the venue for his ongoing campaign of terror.

Martin Bishop, secretary of Hatfield Golf and Country Club, said: “We have taken down our website and prepared temporary signage to make the place look like a garden centre.”

Bishop added: “He now has the chance to travel. They should put him on the Orient Express so he can call everyone in Venice a bastard.”

Sir Alex Ferguson vows to continue abusing referees and journalists in retirement.

Sir Alex Ferguson has insisted he will continue to abuse referees and journalists in an unofficial capacity after his retirement as Manchester United manager.

'It's a sad day for football' - Mancini

The prickly Scot said he would also continue to throw things at players, and make fun of Arsene Wenger and Rafael Benitez, if time allowed.

Sir Alex said recent health scares made him reassess his priorities, telling reporters, “While I enjoy winning trophies, at the end of the day, they are just another statistic.”

“Real satisfaction is gained by incandescent screaming at a referee who fails to award a penalty, or executing a perfect shoe-throw that leaves a tread mark on a prima donna player’s forehead.”

“Being free from day-to-day footballing responsibilities means I can go further than just banning a journalist – I can pull out his tongue and feed it to Luis Suarez.”

Going out on top

Football commentators said that it was good to see Sir Alex going out at the top, with last weekend’s match against Chelsea seeing a trademark tirade against referee Howard Webb.

“Ferguson loves Webb – they might as well be brothers” said Alan Hansen.

“But like the pro he is, Sir Alex still lambasted him for being blind and incompetent, and sent him a post-game text message suggesting he does something that is anatomically impossible with something it would take two people to lift.”

 Sir Alex said that while he was looking forward to an angry retirement unrestrained by premier league protocols, he would be careful to not interfere with, or distract, his management successor.

 “Moyes or whoever takes over need to free to abuse referees and journalists in their own way – I’ll have a more ‘upstairs’ role, perhaps throwing shit from the director’s box and asking them where their girlfriends are.”

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